More about me:
I was born into the COG and was raised within DO homes until the age of 9. In 1989 my parents and another family were ordered, from the Monterey MX Ramada Inn DO home, to set up a new home base in Juarez MX. My whole existence in this life to that point had been a very conflicted understanding of what was right and what was wrong. I will share a clip of my past with you here..... I had a book from my earliest memories that was purged and removed from our home in 1990. The title of the book was Heaven's Girl. Not the Mo Letters, not the 7-10 page comic strip style little books.... This was the full size red leather bound book with 400 pages of small text print and a few images scattered here and there. This book was my escape from reality. It is what kept me alive for many years. Night after night I stood in front of a mirror with a needle in my hand trying to work up the courage to push it through the soft tissue of my temple to end it all.
Heaven's girl; I would read that book cover to cover over and over again weekly. It gave me an illusion world that I was capable of projecting in full 3D imagery around me. When she crossed the river running for her life and sliced open her right bare foot... I projected the pain to my own real foot and felt the pain each time I read that passage. Each time the illusion was more profound and more real. After a year and a half of reading this book repeatedly, I was able to close my eyes and late at night when everyone was asleep I would conjure my own images and live out every word, on every page, cover to cover. It was more than memorized to me, it was my alternate reality.
Each time I stood in front of the mirror summoning the courage to kill myself, hand posed with needle drawing blood from the pin prick dead center of my right side temple where I had come close to pushing it in but stopped at the last second... These moments would haze into 4 hours of staring at my own reflection posed for suicide yet my mind was not there, everything was not there anymore... My mind began projecting the story of Heaven's Girl from word one to the "GBY Grandpa loves you" feeling every word as if it was actually happening to me, the pain, the pleasure, the power, the weakness, EVERYTHING.
It is so difficult to describe this without sounding VERY UNSOUND, lol. It was like pathological recreation of reality via mental projection. Like a dream but wide awake. I could write 100 pages trying to describe this and I would get nowhere so I will just say that this is no more and that I am relatively sound if I may self-diagnose for a sec.
With saying all of this, I have spent the last few weeks scouring the internet and every resource I can imagine but have only been able to find scant references and 11 pages to the original book. Let me say this, I am desperately searching for this book because after all these years I remember only vague areas of the book parts that I associated with the strongest and felt the physical reaction the hardest. I want to get my hand on the unedited original version to "HEAVEN'S GIRL" and read it one last time to conquer this one last demon.
I do not know if you will be able to help me in this endeavor but I would be interested in chatting with anyone that is able to relate to this in any way. This is only the tip of the iceburg and I have fought for years to find some normal asemblance of life.