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Getting Through : In Remembrance

For Josh

from xhrisl - Friday, September 27, 2002
accessed 3224 times

In rememberance of my beautiful brother.

Having been often asked by friends and acquaintances as to the nature of my childhood---I have often lied. It is for them that I paint the picture of a happy and pleasent place. However, within myself I hold no such illusions.

There was a time, once, when I am sure that I believed; yet that was long ago....

Today, the faces of old friends, many long since past, swim up as it where from the bottom of a murky pool---some to smile and wish me well, others to cry and lamment, pleading supplication for stories left untold.
Today, my brother has joined the voices. It is now his face that swims up from troubled waters, a face that will remain forever unmarred by the ravages of time.

The day I laid him to rest, I kissed his cold lips with my own. It would have been easier by far, to have kissed his forehead as he lay slumped over the small desk where I do my writting, while the color still clung to his beautiful cheeks, and the red, red blood pooled under the side of his face, till it ran down, collecting in a pool of deepest crimson at his feet.
It would have been easier to have kissed him then---I am sure, while the smell of gunpowder lingered in the air.

His final act of defiance; the smile on his face, saying more in silence than words could ever express. Yes, it would have been easier to have kissed him then, but I had to prove my love for him, by showing it when I knew it would be more difficult. And so I waited. I waited till after the color had left his cheeks, and his skin was cold and hard to the touch. That is when I kissed him. I hope he knows that.

Several days after the police and mortician had removed my brothers body, I went to the mortuary to pick up my brothers boots and other personal effects, so that I might bring them home for cleaning, and also so that he could be burried with his boots on, as he would have wanted.
After retriving his belongings and returning home, I brought his boots into the bathroom, and placing the in the bathtub, began to srub the blood and brain matter from off of them, with one of his socks, while the scalding hot water burned at my fingers and hands, and the smell of blood, rich-sweet with iron rose in my nostrils. So much blood had stained his boots and cloathing that it had turned the color of the bathtub red---another bathtub, filled with blood, as was my sisters, and another story written in the same.

We took a trip to the Grand Canyon the following week, and there our family scatterd my brothers' remains over the gorge, so that they might one day be washed thru the soil and join with the Colorado River, and in turn flow out to the sea, from whence all life came and thereby join once again in the endless cycle of life, death, and rebirth.
After scattering my brother Joshs'remains my brothers and I took knives and cut at the flesh of our hands, until blood was drawn to fill his urn, then packing the urn with fresh snow and wildflowers, we gave the urn to his girlfriend, Lorie, and to his sons. For it is blood that makes the grass grow green, and so it is that we feed the tree, each of us in his or her own way.

Suicide is a terible act to inflict upon ones self and upon ones family. It is perhaps however, the most definative statement that a person can make---a statement that cannot be revoked. It leaves in its' wake a lifetime of questions, which in turn lead to a lifetime of regret, for actions taken, or not taken and for things said, and left unsaid.

My brother Josh left behind only two small handwritten notes---one of which was addressed to his sons, and the other, to us, his siblings. He did not leave behind a note for our parents, and I am sure that there was a reason for this. Sometimes I wonder what they think about at night, bearing this knowledge. But they have their God, and their religion to cling to---the same God and religious beliefs that they placed above their children.
Maybe, if the rules of combat had been different in our family, we might not have had so many casualties, but religion and lifestyle tend to tear people and families apart.

If there is any moral to this story, perhaps it is this; that life is beautiful, precious, and rare, and that forgiveness is perhaps the greatest leson that we can learn.
I do not seek in this lifetime to forgive my brother for what he did, or my sister for what she tried to do. Both of them trusted me enough to find their bodies, and to hold them, as life slipped away, drop, by precious drop. It is a terible thing to wittness, and yet beautiful in its' own way. Yet it is not something that I would wish upon another.
It is not my place, nor is it in my power to forgive them, but rather theirs, to forgive me, for in some way having failed to help them, thru their dark and trying times.

Many of us think that we can run from the demons that plauge us, and I have tried. In reality, the demons come upon you, and follow you till the ends of the earth. Run as you may, you will not escape. They haunt the recesses of the soul, and lurk in the shadows of the living. There is no corner from whence they will not seek you out, and destroy you if they can. Many think that they will go with time, and fade as a dream fades with the light of mornings dawn....
There are some of us who know better.
Our only hope lies in their acceptance, only through knowing our demons may we seek to gain mastery over them.
For to know the demons is to know ourselves, to over come the demons, is to be in communion with that, which is Divine.

For Josh...

Because, sometimes the demons win.

Reader's comments on this article

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from bella2
Wednesday, August 22, 2007 - 01:36


I am not and have never been in TF but I just wanted people out there to know that I have just read the book
Not without my Sister.

I Then got onto the net and did a search of TF I am so sadden that people young and older had to go through this, I am so very sorry that the law, the system and the Gov in my Country and other Countries did not protect you like they should.

I just wanted you to know that there are people here that think you are brave and very strong to speak out.

I hope that everyone has the chance to look at you and have the courage to speak out on any abuse that others have and are going through.

Thank you for speaking out.
(reply to this comment)
from lucidchick
Tuesday, August 21, 2007 - 23:10


To Josh.
(reply to this comment)

from never forgotten
Tuesday, August 21, 2007 - 13:12

Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5(Agree/Disagree?)
may he and all those of our generation rest in peace.
(reply to this comment)
from to maria
Thursday, July 01, 2004 - 03:51


Hi Mia, im not sure if this is the right person or if you remember me, as it has been a long time since we lost contact but i just wanted to wish you the best and hope life is working out good for you. sorry im posting this here. -patricia.finland

p.s i miss getting letters from you and wish we could be penfriends again.

(reply to this comment)

From MariaKL
Sunday, August 01, 2004, 08:51


Hey Patricia write me at DreamFairyMia@yahoo

miss u 2(reply to this comment

from debora
Thursday, July 01, 2004 - 03:40


(reply to this comment)
from Wolf
Monday, April 28, 2003 - 14:31

Beautifully written. It's ironic how blame for tragic events like this is usually placed on both sides by both sides. In this case, while those of us who have left the cult see this as a likely result of his time in the cult, those still in would probably consider it a result of him leaving.
(reply to this comment)
from Ordinary__Guy
Monday, November 04, 2002 - 05:32

Thanks for writing that, you have a way of expressing what many of us go through but can never quite put into words, although I have to say that my problems now seem quite insignificant compared to what U have been through, having to witness it happen to your own flesh and blood and then try to pick up the pieces, somehow the pain I strangely feel for where U and Ur family are is what Ur nephews are going through, all I have to based it on is someone I was merely an acquaintance of took her life 2 weeks before graduation, shot herself and left her 2 young girls, the note didn't say much, it was a year ago and I feel like it was yesterday -- and I really didn't even know her that well, I offer my condolences, for what they're worth.
(reply to this comment)
Sunday, September 29, 2002 - 08:15

Hey Big Bro, Made me cry at work miss him. mia
(reply to this comment)
From gennes
Sunday, April 27, 2003, 17:35

If this is who I think, I am stunned and heartbroken. I know it's been a while, I only just recently found this website. Mia, if you are able to see this please get in touch with me. (reply to this comment
From MariaKL
Monday, November 24, 2003, 12:17

this is mia, who r u?(reply to this comment
from Tea
Saturday, September 28, 2002 - 03:18

Silence. Pure. And simple.

As I fall asleep I'm listening to one of my favorite CDs, Tonight's Decision (Katatonia), and am trying not to think of anything. I hope you're going to be alright, man.
(reply to this comment)
From marai
Saturday, August 14, 2004, 13:47

Is this Tea from Finland?(reply to this comment
from dave
Saturday, September 28, 2002 - 00:10

There are no words.. no words.
A meditation.. deeper than most. A sad thought.. a somber thought. A tear.. heavier than most. A candle.. dimmer than most. A moment of peace. A moment of silence.

So sad but true, "..Sometimes the demons win".


(reply to this comment)
from monkeyfart
Friday, September 27, 2002 - 21:51

A better tribute may never have been written.

My only question is regarding your reference to "demons" and the "Divine". Having myself several years ago felt the urge to throw myself from the 13th floor of my apartment building in direct relation to feelings of utter disolusionment, confusion, abandonment among others I believe I came very close to being overcome by the "demons" which you refer to. At the time directly after this incident I tried to blame it on a weird flu which I had that contributed to making me feel mentally exhausted and depressed, coupled with emotional distress and culture shock which I was already feeling.

My question is whether you believe that the "demons" are paranormal or spiritual or whether they are reactions to stresses and confusions which come from being taught to believe, think and act certain ways & then realising certain truths about life which are hard to accept against our previous version of reality.
(reply to this comment)
From xhrisl
Saturday, September 28, 2002, 04:24

Thank you for your sincerity and encouragement. I am saddened to hear that you too have had to wage war with your own internal conflict, yet I am glad to know that you continue to go on. With regard to "the demons" each of us face our own---I beleive this to be true regardless of whatever religious ideologies or lack thereof, that each of us hold. Hence, your demons, and mine, may be two seperate perceptions of the same phenomena.
Best of luck to you.(reply to this comment
from porceleindoll
Friday, September 27, 2002 - 21:24

I feel for you and the loss in your family. I can only imagine the pain you have felt. Your brother will always be remembered by us, those who understand what drove him to this point of desperation.
(reply to this comment)
from lucidchick
Friday, September 27, 2002 - 19:55

Heartbreakingly beautiful.
(reply to this comment)
from EyesWideShut
Friday, September 27, 2002 - 18:47

Beautiful. Tremendously talented.
(reply to this comment)

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