Forsaken

from cyborcosmic - Friday, April 11, 2008
accessed 535 times

"If you're frightened of dying and you're holding on, you'll see devils tearing your life away.
If you've made your peace, then the devils are really angels freeing you from the earth."

- Meister Eckhart

This was written for my siter (RIP April 13, 2002)

-Pandita


After all these years, i still feel for Jasmine.
She was after all my sister - Losing a loved one hurts, everything about it, especially the fact that i can't hear her voice any longer.

But i need to address another part of it. I mentioned the ways I opened up and felt things for the first time, how i had to face myself and my past.
Now i need to address the way it affected my living - on a day to day basis.
Losing my sister to suicide felt as if my life was over.
(I lost my mind, I lost my way)

In a way, a chapter of my life was over, that was the chapter that Jasmine was a part of.
I already was at the point of wanting to die, but my life without her entirely lost its meaning. I no longer enjoyed the simple things, all those things i enjoyed with her, like sitting outside on the squares of Amsterdam, playing pool or having a drink, going to parties. None of it was fun anymore
because she was not there.

I felt so bad inside that she wasn't there anymore. I felt responisble, now I see that clearly.
It was as if i had killed her and i wished so many times that i would have killed myself that night instead of her.
Why was i so weak, why did i want to prospone my own suicide that night? Why am i still living, when she is dead?

Everyday that has passed by since April 13, 2002 there has been a mixed feeling of relief and regret.
I am not happy i outlived her.

I regret her life, and my own life; the way we were forced to pretend in the cult and could never enjoy ourselves. We didn't know how to relax as children,
and as we emerged into adulthood and while the pressures were building we still couldn't relax.
There was too much to catch up on, so much was missed out on, and there was never enough time to be whole, or even to come close to being normal.

Just how messed up she was on the inside is something i will never know.

She kept her disturbances quiet, and even though it became harder to hide them after her boyfriend died, she never went to anyone with her worries.
She died with them close to her, never finding a way to free herself from her own regret.

Did she die feel ashamed and alone, always being aloof and alienated? Or did she see the truth of her misery, that she had been protecting it for no reason.

So what if the world didn't accept her ?

The pain of suicide is in the act itself, its a lonely death and it invites no one to share in its intimate misery.

It is a single exit for one to pass through, straight line down and then no more.

I felt invited to partake in it and if i would have killed myself that night we would have both been found dead the next day and she would have not known my pain.

Instead her sister was the one who found her dead in the morning because neither of us was prepared to feel what was pushing us down and robbing us of our very existance.

She died with the abuse she suffered, i must live with it and a broken heart.

It was her choice to end it and cut her life short - i did not make that choice for her. Why is it so hard for me to see that?

Taking responsibility for my own life has been hard enough, without taking on responsibility for hers too.

As i've heard so many times before, its important to focus on the now and stop looking back.

I am attempting to close a painful chapter, the chapter of loss, the chapter of abuse, and the chapter of self harm.

Have i finished writing these pages? will the self abuse end? will i stop feeling sorry?

One way to end this chapter for good is suicide - its a way out. But it only perpetuates the cycle of pain.

Another way is to start yet another chapter and accept that although the tragic book may be written, the ending is not certain.

Thinking positive and feeling positive energy makes it easier - maybe i deserve an enjoyable ending?


with this thought i leave you now -

VNV Nations Forsaken

When I have nothing left to feel.
When I have nothing left to say
I'll just let this slip away.

I feel these engines power down.
I feel this heart begin to bleed
as I turn this burning page.

Please forgive me if I bleed.
Please forgive me if I breathe.
I have words I need to say.
Oh so very much to say.

And whose life do I lead?
And whose blood do I bleed?
Whose air do I breathe?
With whose skin now do I feel?

I'm supposed to walk away from here.
I'm supposed to walk away from here.

And whose life do I lead?
Whose blood do I bleed?
Whose air do I now breathe?
I'm convinced there's nothing more.

The day you died I lost my way.
The day you died I lost my mind.

What am I supposed to do?
Is there something more?

The engines power down.
Like a soldier to his end I go.
Because I'm convinced
that there is nothing more.

and whose life do I lead
and whose air do I breathe?
With whose skin and whose blood do I feel?

What happens now?
Have I done something wrong?

Forgive my need to bleed right now.
Please forgive my need to breathe
But I've so much to say
and it wouldn't matter anyway.
You're not here to hear these words that I must say
and I'm convinced inside
that there is nothing more.

Whose life do I lead?
Whose air do I breathe.
Whose blood do I now bleed?
With whose skin now do I feel?

I have nothing left to say.
I have nothing left to feel.
Am I supposed to let this go now,
let darkness come and take you away

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k23ZewdVVSI&feature=related