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Getting Through : In Remembrance

To Ricky

from fairlight - Sunday, November 06, 2005
accessed 1541 times

I wrote this after seeing a documentary about the Fam. and Ricky and just being reminded of the pain that he must have felt and that so many of us have to face as well and will likely have to live with for a long time to come.

Sometimes it just overwhelms me and I feel so increadibly sad and angry...angry because of how hard it is for so many of us to make it without that support network of family and friends that was denied us when we left. Of course there are a lot of amazing people out there that can provide that but I think it is important and healthy to acknowledge the pain and give an outlet to our feelings.

Here it is:



Brothers, brothers, lovers

with your guns

sitting in your dark skin with the short hard history of your lives

little prayers books

with butterflies and plastic covers

cradling your questions

your confusion at not being heard

when we were children God was in the rising bread

in the blackened cave of the oven

in the cold drops of rain that pelted our leaking houses

in the open mouths of our parents as they asked to be filled

fed

and all of us were brothers, sisters

spread like a sweet jam over the uneven map of the world

dropped into all the countries that they had only dreamed of

stretched over the curious eyes of children

that must find God

in us

brother with your tears on a sharp knife

tears that became a sharp knife

an edge that longed for blood

the blood of parents who had turned away

we were no longer with God

brother, brother

with the moist blade of red-tinged steel

as you slid it painfully (you felt every stab)

into the heart of a God that had not heard

what was that the poet said: "Mother is the name of God to a child".

And your God with her sweet smile that hid rejection

your God who turned her blue eyes on you in

wrath

hatred

oh, angry angel

fallen prophet of an empty faith

one third of you turned to bitter bile

at your mother-God's smile

as she pointed a warm white finger that you would never feel against your skin

as she pushed you with her heavy prayers

further and further in

to the handle of that blade that should have been for her

no amount of angry tears

can pull it out again

where you rest with the wet earth

around eyes that saw too much

and that big black gun

as you drove for hours over a straight road that was paved by the past

destruction, destruction

love like a cruel twist of that blade

as she professed in disbelief

"Innocent, innocent!"

and then silence

her life blood made no sound

was she with you when you put the hard mouth of the gun

to your head

was she silently holding you to it

oh devil

oh dark, dark

was it dark?

Reader's comments on this article

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from placebo
Wednesday, November 09, 2005 - 08:42

Average visitor agreement is 2 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 2 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 2 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 2 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 2 out of 5(Agree/Disagree?)
I don't mean to sound heartless as I realise the subject matter is a very sensitive subject to many here....................but am I alone in thinking that the poem was just a bit shit?
(reply to this comment)
From fairlight
Wednesday, November 09, 2005, 23:26

Average visitor agreement is 3 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 3 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 3 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 3 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 3 out of 5(Agree/Disagree?)
Yes, it is rough. I wrote it and posted soon after. It needs editing etc. but as Eyes said it's value was not in its perfection but rather in its meaning. As for whether or not it is "shit" I really wouldn't know if you know the first thing about literature, poetry or writing or whether I should see your comment as ignorance and an inability to appreciate the Arts.(reply to this comment
From Should I...
Thursday, November 10, 2005, 04:51

Average visitor agreement is 1 out of 5(
Agree/Disagree?)
see your comment as ignorance and an inability to appreciate vernacular?(reply to this comment
From placebo
Thursday, November 10, 2005, 04:17

Average visitor agreement is 3 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 3 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 3 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 3 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 3 out of 5(Agree/Disagree?)
"a bit shit" sweetheart.That's vernacular for basically anything I don't care much for. If you choose to assume that I am ignorant and/or am "inable to appreciate the arts" that is your perogative. I have been called worse things in my life. All in all, I don't think you're particulary bad at writing and if I'm sure if I were to read something else of yours, I could find something that I liked.(reply to this comment
From fairlight
Thursday, November 10, 2005, 12:08

Average visitor agreement is 3 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 3 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 3 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 3 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 3 out of 5(Agree/Disagree?)

That would be "unable" or possessing an "inability". Regardless of my inability to grasp European vernacular I didn't much care for the comment, I found it careless and petty. I have no problem with criticism as long as it is specific and constructive ie. "I found a lot of cliche phrases in this poem and it was also poorly structured" which is something I would have said myself in reading it. Thanks for the vote of confidence though.

Still, your comment has been rather stimulating and has motivated me to focus on writing again as with school it has been largely abandoned.(reply to this comment

From Is it sufficiently specific and constructive
Thursday, November 10, 2005, 13:04

(
Agree/Disagree?)

... to point out that under More about me in your user profile you are likely not talking about throwing 'something in her'?(reply to this comment

From placebo
Thursday, November 10, 2005, 13:20

Average visitor agreement is 3 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 3 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 3 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 3 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 3 out of 5(Agree/Disagree?)

Oh dear, seems as if I've started a war. "Something in her" was obviously a typo.Leave the poor budding poet alone.

What's sad about all this, is that the first thing that came to mind was The Pastor's Pillow.God, I suck.(reply to this comment

From placebo
Thursday, November 10, 2005, 12:57

Average visitor agreement is 1 out of 5(Agree/Disagree?)
Well cheers for the correction.In the future I will endeavour to be more specific in my criticism.If I in my "petty and careless criticism" have spurred you on to once again concentrate on your writings then I've done my good deed for the day. Now to report back to my scout leader.(reply to this comment
From AndyH
Wednesday, November 09, 2005, 12:07

Average visitor agreement is 3 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 3 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 3 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 3 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 3 out of 5(Agree/Disagree?)

Thank you! I didn't want to be the first. Not that bad just not deserving of all the praise it received. But then I've never had much of a taste for poetry.

No offense, just my opinion. May he rest in peace.(reply to this comment

From EyesWideShut
Wednesday, November 09, 2005, 13:55

Average visitor agreement is 3 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 3 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 3 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 3 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 3 out of 5(Agree/Disagree?)
I didn't compliment the write because of the composition of the piece, rather because it was heart felt and had some original lines and ideas. It touched me. Sometimes that's enough.(reply to this comment
From placebo
Wednesday, November 09, 2005, 14:30

Average visitor agreement is 3 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 3 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 3 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 3 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 3 out of 5(Agree/Disagree?)
Absolutely, I was just giving my critical(and certainlynot professional) opinion. I never knew Ricky so of course it couldn't mean as much to me as to others.(reply to this comment
from Albatross
Tuesday, November 08, 2005 - 08:28

(Agree/Disagree?)
Beautiful!!!!!!
(reply to this comment)
From fairlight
Tuesday, November 08, 2005, 12:35

(Agree/Disagree?)
Thank you Albatross....you look familiar.(reply to this comment
From Albatross
Wednesday, November 09, 2005, 07:33

(Agree/Disagree?)
I've been on TV a couple of times.(reply to this comment
from one who knows
Monday, November 07, 2005 - 22:10

Average visitor agreement is 1.5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 1.5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 1.5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 1.5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 1.5 out of 5(Agree/Disagree?)
that was dumb. who cares.
(reply to this comment)
from Lance
Monday, November 07, 2005 - 12:18

(Agree/Disagree?)
In death, a Vandari has a name. And his name is Ricky Rodriguez.
(reply to this comment)
From AndyH
Wednesday, November 09, 2005, 20:53

(Agree/Disagree?)

Vandari Vandari I know its right Vandari

Vandari Vandari I need you today(reply to this comment

From Fish
Tuesday, November 08, 2005, 07:21

(Agree/Disagree?)
Preach it brother.(reply to this comment
from EyesWideShut
Monday, November 07, 2005 - 07:39

(Agree/Disagree?)

Perfect. It touched me immensely. Thank you for taking the time and for sharing.
(reply to this comment)

From fairlight
Monday, November 07, 2005, 12:46

(Agree/Disagree?)
Thank you EyesWideShut. I'm glad that you enjoyed it.:)(reply to this comment
From JohnnieWalker
Monday, November 07, 2005, 21:42

(Agree/Disagree?)

Would you consider posting this on Rick's memorial site (the one done by Rick's wife and friends) at www.rickyrodriguez.org under the Memorials section (http://www.rickyrodriguez.org/memorials.php)?(reply to this comment

From fairlight
Monday, November 07, 2005, 23:02

(Agree/Disagree?)
I would be happy to have it posted on Ricky's memorial site. Just let me know how to go about doing so....(reply to this comment
From JohnnieWalker
Tuesday, November 08, 2005, 06:53

(Agree/Disagree?)

To post a memorial on Rick's site, go to: http://www.rickyrodriguez.org/memorials.php , click on the "Add your memories" link, and hit the ''Send' button.

Or if you don't want to go through all of that, all I need is your permission to post it for you (just to cover my ass for copyrights, fair use, and all that fun stuff).(reply to this comment

From fairlight
Tuesday, November 08, 2005, 12:30

Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5(Agree/Disagree?)

This poem is not copyrighted yet...do you need some kind of official permission? I am ashamed to admit that due to the fact that I haven't gone about publishing any of my stuff yet and generally don't share it much I am not sure how to go about copyrighting it. Any thoughts?

In any case you do have my permission, I almost feel as though this poem does not belong to me and that its purpose is to express what so many of us have felt and still feel. It belongs to Ricky and all of the others who's lives have been ireperably affected by the Fam., those who could not be saved (in the true sense of the word, not religiously).

In British History last night a sociological term was mentioned that I thought was very fitting for the Fam. and that was "total institution" except that for those of us born and raised in the Fam. it had an even more extreme effect than most total institutions. A total insitution is one that isolates its members from society at large and replicates all the elements of society within their isolated community. In the case of a group like the Fam. that created its own culture,value system and moral code it is not suprising that those who have known nothing else find it very hard to survive--in particular,emotionally and psychologically--cut off from everything familiar to them. Increasing the difficulty of readjustment was the fact that the shock and effect of being utterly cut off from everything we'd ever known was intentional, yet another tactic of control and there was nothing really to soften the blow. Not only were we often physically on our own but we had been alienated "from the life of God" as they said, from the life of the only god we had ever known and by association from all of our family. They couldn't even justify offering emotional support, not sincere support anyway. How is a largely uneducated, sheltered (from normal life), young person, recently berieved of their God, their loved ones, their purpose in life and everthing that oriented them in life supposed to survive, much less thrive?!

I do believe that, as the devil said, we are gods in our own right to have had the power to survive and recover from our past as much as so many of us have. Congradulate yourselves people, you are neither weak nor cowardly. And if some of us have fallen because we were harder hit then we must mourn the loss of those who taught us how damaging, how destructive that "faith" was. Ricky said what so many of us tried to say only he shouted it out through his death so that the Fam. and so many outside of the Fam. had to pay attention. His actions embodied the pain,the anger, the psychological and emotional torture that so many other have had to face. Ethics aside, he spoke in the most powerful way possible.

Well, this is considerably longer than I had intended. Probably shouldn't even post it here....:)(reply to this comment

From Hydra
Tuesday, November 08, 2005, 13:26

(Agree/Disagree?)

Because of the simple fact that you wrote the material, you own the copyrights to it. Registering your work is unnecessary in creating a copyright (the act of creating the material automatically does that).

The issue of registering a copyright mainly comes up when more than one person claims ownership of a piece of work and the issue of "who wrote it first" arrises.(reply to this comment

From fairlight
Tuesday, November 08, 2005, 15:25

(Agree/Disagree?)
Thank you!(reply to this comment
From
Tuesday, November 08, 2005, 13:17

(
Agree/Disagree?)
One way is to send it to yourself by recorded mail and don't open the envelope.

(reply to this comment
From JohnnieWalker
Tuesday, November 08, 2005, 17:06

(Agree/Disagree?)
Apparently, that may only apply in the UK: http://www.snopes.com/legal/postmark.asp(reply to this comment

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