Farewell to a brother

from sarafina - Thursday, January 22, 2004
accessed 2413 times

As some of you may know my 17 yr old brother took his life November 16, 2003. He was a bit of a troubled kid and had been in and out of foster homes and was a ward of the state for the last three yrs till he ran away to CA. My Dad helped me get custody of him. He was living with me in CA and going to school till he decided he wanted to join the Army and be a soldier he thought this would be the only way he could win back the respect of our family (which is a very hard thing to do). he was just 17 and wasn't old enough to join in CA so he went back home to Duluth,MN where you can join w/parental permission at 17. He was working on taking the examines and had already passed his physical to join when one night changed all our lives forever.

I just wanted to say goodbye, say a few things on how I feel about what happened and dedicate a few songs to him.

To be, or not to be: that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them? To die: to sleep;
No more; and by a sleep to say we end
The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to, 'tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wish'd. To die, to sleep;
To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub;
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,
Must give us pause: there's the respect.

Dear Jeremy,

It is only now that I dare to try and write about you. My hands tremble as I type with the thought of having to think about you once again. Not that I want to forget you but I have not felt strong enough to face you and what has happened. I guess somewhere in the back of my mind I tell myself your not really gone just on a trip or back at home visiting our parents. I look at myself though and what is becoming of me by not facing the reality of it all. I just barely survive by keeping myself busy and surrounding myself with friends or chatting endlessly on line with anyone that will keep my mind distracted but at night if alone when there’s no escape I drink myself to sleep scared to face the night and the continual nightmares that haunt me like a broken record repeating every possible scenario of what happened that night. The want to know all that was said to you and to think of you standing in the snow alone contemplating your life’s value with the opportunity given you to escape it all I sometimes wonder had the circumstances been the same if I would have made the same choice. I want to know what went threw your head that last moment when you pulled the trigger. It angers me that you felt as if you had no out no alternative as you know I was always just a phone call away. I’m also angry that you broke the pact you made with Heather and I.

I remember the last day you left my house just after hearing about our nephew Gene’s passing and how you had to get on that bus the next day for a 28 hr ride to Dallas how hard it must have been for you to be left alone with your thoughts I thought you to be such a strong person for being able to do that. None of us ever had lost anyone before and had ever known death. Once it happens to you you’re never quite the same, it’s an indescribable feeling. Worse then falling in love and being heartbroken cause there is no stronger feeling of love I realized then that I have for my brothers and sisters. To lose you was the hardest thing so far in my life. I can never explain the initial pain I felt when I heard. It’s like a iron fist clenching your heart and choking the breath from you and then not wanting to take the next.

Right now I can’t even say I’m sad for you although there are times I feel I could drown in my tears. In fact I think I’m more sad for myself in truth I think your lucky and I envey you, just like in all you did in life you truly had no fear. I’m still so full of anger and hatred toward so many people because I know you did not truly want this. I know you only did it cause you loved us all and you did not want to hurt any of us any more. Few people would have done that for their family. I want you to know that I am just as proud of you now as I was before. I don’t care what people say I know you and why you did what you did. It was the only way you knew to help our messed up family. Knowing you I know you truly thought about what was said. No one should ever be asked that. I wonder what we all would do having been asked to“ Think about your life, do you want help? do you want to change and contribute and be part of this family? Or not? will you continue hurting those around you and be a burden? If so then why not just end it all now?” And then to do just that. You knew as well as I did that no matter how hard you try to be someone else or to be what others want you to be is just impossible. I think you explained it well in one of the songs you wanted to be played ..

My mind takes you to where you want to be.
Cure for your heartbreak to take away the pain
I could describe each mistake for you,
Tattooed on my tainted heart.

Can you still feel me or did I slip away
A sick man still broken today
I can’t explain what happens to me
Caught in the game I always start
I could describe each mistake for you
Tattoo it on my tainted heart
Well I won’t ever change my ways
And I can’t be strong
In a place I don’t belong
And it’s my own shame
I can’t break away
Well I won’t ever change my ways

There was a time in my life when I was the same as you the only way I felt I could truly help was to leave you all so I moved. I was to chicken to make it permanent like you did. Just like you to always take everything as far as you could. I only wish I could have been there next to you, to stand by your side to have held you hand when you fell so that you could have been next to someone you knew loved you for who you were and who understood what you were doing. I’m glad you waited for Heather and I to say goodbye. I know how painful those last two days were and I know you just wanted to leave but it meant a lot that you waited and hung on till we could talk to you and kissed you goodbye. I’m sorry it took us so long to get there but we did as fast as we could. What I would give to hold you in my arms once again but not as you were that day but as I remember you. I didn’t want to put you down as I knew the moment I did they would take you away for the last time and forever.

This song will always remind me of you Jer and I know we both loved this song its pretty much our story.

On a cobweb afternoon
No room for love and emptiness
By a freeway, I confess I was lost in the pages
Of a book, Full of death
Reading how we will die alone
And if we are good we’ll lay to rest
Anywhere we want to go?
In your house, I long to be
Room by room, Patiently
I’ll wait for you there
Like a stone
I’ll wait for you there alone.

And on my death bead I will “pray”
To the gods and the angels
LIKE A PEGAN
To ANYONE who will take me to heaven
To a Place, I would recall
I was there so long ago
The sky was bruised
The wine was bled
And there you lead me on

And on I read, Till the day was gone
And I sat in regret, for all the things I’ve done
For all that was blessed and for all that I’ve wronged
In dreams till my death
I still wonder on.


In your house, I long to be
Room by room, patiently
I’ll wait for you there
Like a stone
I’ll wait for you there Alone, alone..

All those talks we had about “life” and “God” and after life you now know all the answers to. You were never one to just accept things you always had to know….now you do.

I one read something that stuck out to me it said “Faith is for those who won’t or can’t handle the reality of life” People need something to escape to, they need the hope of “something more” a “plan” an “after life” a “reason” Well you know. they need to WAKE UP sometimes there isn’t one. There is no reason why things happen ..not always. I personally choose not to live in LA LA land where one day in the feature “ we will see them again , everything will be fine” I choose to live in the now, where life is unpredictable, nothing is “some GREAT plan” I think everything you do matters, everyone you talk to you effect. Life is precious and short. I try to live each day as my last. Do as much as I can, Help as many as I can, and love each person I know as much as I can. I’m not counting on something that may not be there, but if it is well that will be an extra benefit. I think the problem with this world is to many people think “there will be a second chance, if I don’t say something now or do something now , I’ll do it later or next time around and if I do something wrong or bad, I can always repent or be forgiven” Or when things happen or people die I think they are rob of feelings or love or sadness buy us thinking “well they are on to a better life” or “I’ll see them again in heaven or the after life” It’s selfish cause we only do it to help us cope and deal with their lost, by not wanting to face the reality they are gone and we may never see them again. You always thought a lot like me as you said similar things after Genes death.

I like to dedicate one of your favorite songs to you by Filter “Hey Man Nice Shot” As I'm proud of you standing up to everyone and to the world and not letting them shove it in your face any more.

I wish I would have met you
Now it’s a little late
What you have taught me
I could have saved some face
They think that you’re early ending
Was all wrong
For the most part they’re right
But look how they all got strong
That’s why I say hey man nice shot
What a good shot man

Now that the smokes gone
And the air is clear
Those who were right there
Got a new kind of fear
You’d fight and you were right
But they were just too strong
They’d stick it in your face
And let you know what THEY considered wrong
That’s why I say hey man nice shot
What a good shot man.

In all Jer I’m happy for you. You have found peace far away from this life we are faced with. I’m glad at least I did for you what I could even though it wasn’t much. I know during the time you spent with me that you at least felt there someone truly loved you. I was able to be your sister and your parent for a brief time in your life. I’m flattered that you thought I did well at both. I’m at least happy that I can say I have no regrets with you when it came time, as I truly believe in my heart I was one of the few people who stood up for you and fought for you and loved you and understood you. I feel mostly for those who turned you away, put you down and wouldn’t take you in their home for fear you would mess up their “perfect lives” They will have to live with that though won’t they? If only they could see what I saw in you. You were so talented. You could do anything you wanted . You played basket ball, You could draw amazingly so artistic! Oh and your songs I was always amazed at the way you could just adlib. I’ll never forget the time we watched the movie 8 miles and at the end they are showing all those clips of the rappers free styling and you were like “well it’s really not hard” and you told me to pick a subject any subject and you proceeded to go off ! I couldn’t believe how talented you were! I still want to know where you hid your song book and poetry book no one seems to know what happened to it. Then acting! Wow I still have that front page review you got of that movie you were in, even if it was just a small film you got the leading role! What a great review! Such potential you had if only..ahhh see I do have some regrets ..that I had time to enroll you in acting school .

Well I’m carrying on. No use now really. I really need to move on though as hard as it is. What I’m trying to say Jer is that I Love you, and Miss you greatly. I don’t even know if you are there or not so maybe this is mostly for me. I haven’t really had someone to talk to about all this as I’ve had to be strong for our family, friends and for our sis. I feel I’ve already lived a thousand lives and counting by every story of a lost that I have heard at least now I think I can understand my friends more and what they have gone threw as I’m not alone. If I never see you again I’m glad to have known you and to have you as a brother. If there is the possibility of seeing you again well..I would love that. I know this will be a long journey ahead and a ache in my heart for you that will be there for a long time to come but I’m trying to let it all go as you did. For now I have to leave you with a final song for you and for me in the different lives we now live.

Everyday is a new day
I’m thankful for every breath I take
I won’t take it for granted
So I learn from my mistakes
It’s beyond my control, sometimes its best to just let go
Whatever happens in this lifetime
So I trust in love
You have given me peace of mind

Sunshine upon my face
A new song for me to sing
Tell the world what I feel inside
Even though it cost me everything
Now that I know this, so beyond I can’t hold this
I can never turn my back away
Now that I’ve seen you
I can never look away

I feel so alive, for the very first time
I can’t deny you
I feel so alive, for the very first time
And I think I can fly
I feel so alive!

By Jermey