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Getting Through : Dealing

What is the point?

from maydreamer - Sunday, May 11, 2008
accessed 649 times

Tomorrow is my last day of university and than I'll graduate... no reason in the world to be spending the night crying my eyes out... yet here I am. Just cant stop thinking that if past situations would have been diferent I could afford to have "normal" reactions such as joy for an achievement... but there is nothing inside except this constant feeling of not belonging anywere and having no one. I'll put my personality on tomorrow as I would with a dress... problem is it's so worn out it barely covers me anymore. It would be nice to just be able to accept the past and tell the truth at leat to the person one loves the most... maybe it would help him understand or maybe not... but at least it would help me look at myself without disgsust for beeing an hypocrit with myself and the world.

My only wish is not to be forced to put on the show of beeing a successful persona wile inside I feel totally rotten... If only I could sleep long enough to forget I've ever lived...

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from Lance
Sunday, May 18, 2008 - 18:36

(Agree/Disagree?)

Just don't bury your sorrow in the tender loving arms of scientology and you'll be alright.
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from cazfitzgerald
Saturday, May 17, 2008 - 07:49

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hey im not quite sure how to use this and sorry for bein a bit random ive just read a book by kristina,celeste and juliana its really moved me to tears i just wanna show my support for those who have suffered from this experiance xxxxxxxxxx
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from Just Noticed
Thursday, May 15, 2008 - 16:02

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Sorry to post it here, but did we lose a few days of comments when the site was under "maintenance"? (Admin you can remove this comment after reading it)
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From MovingOn Admin
Thursday, May 15, 2008, 20:39

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Yes that content is gone. There is a notice on the home page about this. (reply to this comment
from Boss Lady
Thursday, May 15, 2008 - 14:39

Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5(Agree/Disagree?)
The truth for me was found in facing my demon, my inner self. I didnít pretend with myself. I couldnít run and hide. I was brutal with the memories. It made me sick and I felt gross and useless for a long time. But I found my strength in realization. This is the truth:

It wasnít my fault!

I didnít make grown men molest me. I didnít flirt with them. I didnít run from an education. I didnít join a cult. I was born into it. I didnít choose any of it.

Now as a woman, I can choose. I can make myself into anything I pretend I am. Yes, people see me as something that at times I feel I am not. But maybe, just maybe they see the real me, the person I might have been, had it not been for the life I was born into.

Those of us who have left, have a chance to re-create ourselves and shake off the shame that was dumped on our heads.

You may not feel like much, but you are in an elite group of society simply by getting your college education. We all have our moments of weakness, but from your success so far, you would appear to be doing more than most. Sometimes we have to fake it till we make it.

And truly, we were raised believing the most attrocious stories about what our adult lives would be like; walking through walls, raising the dead, killing with fire from our hands and eyes. Really, anything less than that can seem somewhat of a let down. But is it really?
To quote RISE: ďsometimes an ordinary life, is an extraordinary accomplishment.Ē

Iíve spent many years now healing and gaining some footing in reality. Now that I am grounded, I have found happiness and peace. But it took time and patience with myself.

(reply to this comment)
from Phoenixkidd
Thursday, May 15, 2008 - 13:04

Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5(Agree/Disagree?)

My goodness Maydreamer, I so feel for you! I think the key is developing good relationships with people that you are able to talk about your past and come to grips on it and even joke about it. I was so lucky at my graduation to have my 3 good friends at the time there with me. That was 4 years ago, and I still don't know what I want to do with my life. Perhaps you are feeling anxiety I've heard of people crying right before they get married because they are so frightened of the future and still wonder if they made the right choice! Don't worry you have earned this graduation! I hope, if not already, you can walk up and recieve your diploma with all the dignity you deserve! You have done a tremendous thing in getting this, doubly so than others have, I know I went threw 5 years of diligent study and by the time came I knew my certificate was written in blood and sweat. May Good things come to you and relentless peace and passion to live your life to the fullest.
(reply to this comment)

From maydreamer
Thursday, May 15, 2008, 16:41

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Thanks a lot... your words were really nice and a big help. I think u r actually right and panic attacks are quite common when having to take major decisions... Iím still not too sure if Iíll attend my graduation ceremony after all...donít think Iíd look good with the shapeless graduation gownJ...but at least now I feel better about my achievement.
Itís just that sometimes it happens to desire and want something so much and put loads of effort in obtaining it... but when one reaches it just seems to have lost its original value and transformed itself in something worthless which doesnít bring the expected joy... Anyway... I sincerely hope youíll discover what u want to do in life and that u obtain the best results out of it.(reply to this comment
From mugthebug
Thursday, May 22, 2008, 03:14

(Agree/Disagree?)
I would so totally go I haven't finished college yet but when i got my ged which is the equivalent of a high school diploma they had a graduation ceremony for us complete with cap and ugly gown I was so proud to be able to walk across that stage and get this piece of paper that said I wasn't as dumb as I thought I was.
when i finish my masters I will do it again and the pics of both will hang side by side on my wall to say that even though they said we would never make it we have and are better people because of it
p.s tell the boyfriend the worst that can happen is that he will walk away if he does he isn't worth your love the best that can happen is that he will admire and love you more for what you have been through(reply to this comment
From Boss Lady
Friday, May 16, 2008, 08:49

Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5(Agree/Disagree?)
Please go to your Graduation. I have less than one year left and I focus on that silly gown and hat when I want to give up. You might cry but I am sure there will be a level of pride that you will soak up! Do it! Do it! Do it!(reply to this comment
From Randi
Friday, May 16, 2008, 01:08

(Agree/Disagree?)

Oh you should totally go. The ceremony is in your honour, but also for those (your professors, educational mentors etc) who have worked hard to help you attain and reach this fantastic goal. You have to go!! You'll regret it if you don't.

Its very normal to feel all that anxiety. In a way you have worked so hard to achieve this goal of gaining an education, its been tough, etc... and now it might feel like, " Um is this it?" Its odd but a sort of emptiness sets in. Its really normal. I haven't completed my uni degree yet, but when I graduated from college, my professor told me to be aware that I might experience a feeling of emptiness... and a sort of what now and for what type thoughts? Of course there's also the issue of having to make new decisions...etc which is scarry.

It is really nice to be able to be honest with your boyfriend or your close friends. You need their support and you can't really get the support you need if they don't know your life's perspective and where you're coming from. I can say that in my case, my boyfriend only respected and loved me more when I told him. He could see how strong and brave I was...Now I have a place to fall, a place to be myself.. I can tell him what I'm going through and he can better understand me.

I wish you well. And congratulations on your fantastic achievement. Keep your eyes forward now and keep believing in you... You're gonna make great things happen.(reply to this comment

from madly
Monday, May 12, 2008 - 16:51

Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5(Agree/Disagree?)
Boy, can I relate to how you feel! I have been struggling with this since I left, and I am still at a loss. Breaking it down, it seems simple: I was born into a life that left me feeling like I was nothing. I have since tried to develop any form of solid structure to stem from; form any sense of being from. I needed to create a foundation to build my life on. The issue has been that what I have formed myself into has no true foundation, nothing I can further develop or grow from. I have become a one dimensional picture. I am finally coming to the conclusion that trying to turn my nothingness into somethingness has failed, because when you think about it, something derived from nothing can only be boiled back down to nothing. Sadly, it turns out; I am still as I was, making all my past, and present, efforts futile.

I am plagued with constant conflict; me against me. I constantly control the overwhelming desire for my inner self to surface, but I am scared of who I might really turn out to be. I donít think I really want to know the person who was left so damaged; I fear being that weak hopeless person. I am a coward; forever afraid. I have spent my life running from the ghost of someone who never died; even though everyone, including me tried to kill it off. Maybe it is time to find out what my ghost looks like and determine if I were to ever give my ghost flesh, bones and breath, could I find some sort of life between us? Could we live as one, and could my inner continuous turmoil finally come to an end? Could peace be mine from something I have the power to do? This is, and will continue to be, my predicament.

The person I created is no better than the one I buried. I am plagued with flaws and I hate myself, yet, at the same time, I am the only one who really loves me. I cannot see love from others, not do I know how to return it, even if it is staring at meÖ I dare not catch its gaze. I am afraid of it, as we are of anything we donít comprehend. I choose lust over love for the safety in the ending. I play games in my mind to pass the time it takes to harden a heart that remains soft even still. I make jokes to avoid real questions and use answers no one can understand to avoid the risk of uncovering my own confusion. I am someone who craves something I will never let my guard down enough to discover. I am lost on purpose and I hope to god that no one will ever find me.

People want to know who I am and where I came from, but I donít have an answer. I woke up one day and started pretending I was someone, because the person who had gone to sleep had no life left to offer, so I let that person go and created something worse. I started to rebuild a life, but all I had to work with was heartache, pain, tears and the utter longing for release. There was no strength left, no personality, only broken pieces from a soul longing to die. What can you create from such a mess, but a bigger mess.

It worked for awhile, at least I pretended so? Everyone liked me. Everyone wanted to know me and wanted to know where I was given the life I seemed to carry. What could I tell them when they wanted to know where I had come from, but I had no home, no history that seemed to fit the person I made myself out to be. The person they saw was no victim. I was strong, proud and beautiful. My craziness was the one thing that I felt gave me away, but no one really believed I was crazy, only me. My wit was my cover, my shield against someone looking closer. I made them laugh to avoid them discovering the tears they might see if they were to look close enough.

What chance do I have to start again? What life would I have if I were to be the person I really am? Is it possible to find yourself? Can the puzzle be put back together when you donít know which pieces are real? If I were to stand before the world naked and disarmed, broken, ashamed, scared to death, yet true and honest, would it mean anything to anyone but me? Should it mean anything to anyone but me? If I were to stop lying to myself would I recognize the truth? If I were to stop the voices in my head, could I hear my own? What would I feel like, and what would the world look like? I think it is time to find out, but I am too scared, so I write about it and wait for a new day to come, hoping it might bring a bit more courage with it.

All that to say: you are not alone in feeling the way you do. May you have the courage to find yourself and let someone love you, the real you.


(reply to this comment)
From maydreamer
Thursday, May 15, 2008, 17:16

Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5(Agree/Disagree?)
You write really well, I like your style it is really personal and profound. It is like an honest conscience flow that touches inner feelings and it is all the more intense because of this. You are a person of undouptable depth. Thanks for your comment, it helps knowing that there are people like u, sensible enough to actually understand... makes one fell less lonely in one's private misery :-D
 (reply to this comment
From murasaki
Monday, May 12, 2008, 19:46

Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5(Agree/Disagree?)
It is our quintessential dilemma, how do we know what we are without our past when it is our past that as made us what we are?

I also can very much relate to the feeling of conflict and uncertainty, of playing a role and not knowing how to let people see me. What is the real me anyway? I donít think itís possible to replace what was lost, but maybe by accepting the good with the bad, we can find contentment if not meaning.

Madly, youíve obviously cultivated your expression and your intelligence, and your words moved me. Thatís something. It means something.
(reply to this comment

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