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Getting Through : Dealing

Asking

from madly - Sunday, March 16, 2008
accessed 887 times

Sometimes the one we need to forgive is ourselves, and sometimes we need to be the one to ask for our own forgiveness.

Did I build this wall? I donít remember, but I guess it must be so. I ran into it today and it knocked me over. It hurt me even though I am the one who created it for my own protection. I had forgotten it was there, being built out of glass, this is easy to do. I keep myself out now. I can no longer get in and I have become the one I hateÖ the one I am most scared of. I am my worst enemy and the hateful things I have said to myself I should never be forgiven for.

Look at me. I look real. Donít I? But Iím not. In fact, I am barely alive. The facade that I portray is shattering and I am falling through the cracks, slowly losing pieces of myself. You canít touch me; I canít even touch myself. I donít belong to myself anymore. My brain took over long ago, now controlling feelings it fears will hurt me. My body does what it has to do in order to protect me and it sadly feels that certain emotions are not a vital prerequisite to living. Staying alive is the only goal, but can you really live when you can no longer feel? Somewhere along the way my brain determined that allowing the option of love would lead to my detriment.

I need to say something and I need you to listenÖ listen and feel or you are going to die. You are already dead inside and I fear the body will soon follow. You hurt yourself everyday and you are holding yourself back from the one thing that could free you. You need to stop running. Stop fighting with the shadows in your head. You think you are better off without love, but you know without it you will never know what it was to feel fully alive. Say itÖ Say it now! Tell yourself that you want loveÖ that you need love. Admit it or it could be too late. I am losing you. I donít even know who you are anymore. I have become such a small part of you, and you make me smaller everyday. I cry for you, but the tears no longer reach you and the hope of love is dying in my memory of what we used to be.

You were a beautiful person once, bright and breezy like a spring day. You had something special, a softness to a soul that should have grown hard. You were open to life and to your feelings and you dreamed of finding the meaning to something you longed forÖ this thing called love. What happened? When did you trade your heart for your mind? When did you choose to give up? Why are you so scared and will you run forever? What makes you think that anything could hurt you when you know you could never be hurt again in the way you once were?

What can I do to make you forgive yourself and allow yourself to forgive me? I should have been stronger for you. I should have loved you more. It is my fault, because you needed my love and I couldnít give it to you. I didnít know I loved you then, but I see you now and I now know that I always have. Is it too late for me to help you to see how beautiful I think you are? Is it too late for you to learn that there is beauty in your strength?

I will admit that I once thought you ugly. I know I hurt you by telling you this, by my feelings of hate for you, and you hate me for it. I will admit that I caused you pain, because I ran from you and left you scared and alone when you needed me. I am trying to find my way back into you, but you have locked me out and rightly so. Let me in and let me try to make it right. I see you now. You are like a sad melody played by a broken sweet guitar. You are like the rose pedals scattered on the floor still smelling as sweet as ever. Your pain has created beauty that few possess and although you may never see this, others see it in you and long for what you long to rid yourself of.

Stop lying to yourself. Stop pretending you are so tough when you canít even win a fight against your own mind. Listen to your heart or it will stop playing for you. The music is dying and your soul is falling fast into a place where life goes to take its last breath. I am looking at you now. I see you, your pain, your torment and the heavy heart you have had to carry all these years. I want to love you, but you donít believe me. We might be able to do this. Will you please give me one last chance before you give up? I promise I will never look away if you can just try to see me once again. Reach your hand out into the darkness and grab what is left of me. Pull me back inside you. Breathe me in and feel once again. I am your life and you are letting me die. Without me, we will be lost and our life will end without purpose and I know this is the last thing you want.

It will hurt sometimes, but that comes with feeling. You will cry again, but tears cleanse your soul and make you see the world a little better. In order to live, you have to stop controlling and let the life in you breathe and flow as it was meant to. If you hold back, if you refrain from giving what you were meant to give you will die with nothing but regret and emptiness. Donít be the sad picture that people stare at, but can never touch or love. Be the person you were meant to be before they took your life and used it as their own. Take it back again. If you let me, I can grow inside you and we can live as we were meant to, fully.

I am your life and I am yours if your heart is strong enough to feel again and believe that I exist. Sad sweet girl, you see the world in a way few can imagine. Take what you have learned, all the pain, all the passion and use it in a life you deserve to have. Love someone and be loved. Peace is there for you if can be at peace within yourself. Let the tears fall and feel again. Yes, you remember, I remember, we have felt this once. I am here and I will not leave you.

Close your eyes and sleep. Dream of the love you will know one day if you allow it to come true. Your body is tired and weak from so much thought. Questions will always need answering. You have plenty of time to learn. Right now you need to simply remember who you are and who you want to become. The world will spin without you and the answers will come when your mind is quiet enough to hear them.














Reader's comments on this article

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from GoldenMic
Thursday, April 03, 2008 - 17:10

Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5(Agree/Disagree?)

Madly, your article was thought-provoking and felt deeply personal. It felt like you had taken a recording of some of my own internal conversations. At my core, I know that the journey you fear is actually worth all the pain and the facing of fears, worth re-evaluating and lowering some of the armor that protected you from the worst of times, but at a very high cost. I salute you in having the courage to even contemplate opening up your heart again, and I truly hope you do so.

Regarding your current battle with "Kelly", I think I may have missed much of what stirred the hornets nest, but you clearly feel victimized by an unwarranted attack. Sometimes, a situation gets so out of hand, and we are so triggered, that the best course can be to simply let go of the argument, knowing that our peer, too, is reacting from their own triggering. It really is a miracle that any of us retain any sanity, and many of us are periodically so ravaged by our past that we lose all semblance of civility. During those times, a bit of graceful letting go by the party we are offending is unwarranted, but it saves us from our own defensive and destructive reactivity.

Anyway, your words above touched me, and I hope you hang in and hang on, allowing some gentle wind to let this blow itself out, and then continue to add your unique and powerful perspective to this place.
(reply to this comment)

From madly
Thursday, April 03, 2008, 17:59

Average visitor agreement is 3 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 3 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 3 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 3 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 3 out of 5(Agree/Disagree?)
I do agree that oftentimes you need to just let it go and hope it will pass. I want everyone to know that I have tried that course of action for quite a few months now. I have said nothing negative about her and I have tried to be the bigger person, because I genuinely felt sorry for her. I had hoped it would die out, but it has been months now, and it is only getting worse.

Her crazy ideas about me seem to be growing, even expanding. The hate she feels for me is so intense that she cannot help but put nasty comments under all of my articles, or after my comments, etc. She has attacked very personal articles written to my sister and about my mother. It has hurt and confused me, that someone who I went out of my way to be nice to, would want to trash and tarnish something so personal to me.

I find her actions disrespectful and uncalled for. I only want her to see how wrong she is about me, but this seems somewhat impossible. I was hoping that if she put her thoughts about me into words, she would see how silly she was being and maybe it would help her to finally see the light.

I am honestly extremely annoyed. I know I shouldnít let others get to me, but come on, enough is enough! I hardly feel I should have to put up with her anymore. I am not saying what I am doing is right, but it is where I am at presently and she is the one that has brought it upon herself. I hope everyone can understand, but if you donít, I am okay with that too.

Thank you for your sweet comment.
(reply to this comment
from madly
Thursday, April 03, 2008 - 13:33

Average visitor agreement is 3 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 3 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 3 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 3 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 3 out of 5(Agree/Disagree?)

I just received an email from Jules stating that she would not post my article in regards to my issues with Kelly. I am posting my reply here and then I will post my article as a comment beneath. Those who want to know my side, should read it quickly, because I am sure it will be quickly removed.

I am the victim and I am the one that Kelly has been allowed to talk shit about me for months. She attacks my articles, my comments and spreads her crazy lies about me, but I guess I am not allowed to tell my side of the story. You are protecting the wrong person, Jules. I understand that Kellyís sister is your good friend, but this is not right and I think you know that. I mean you no disrespect and I feel I have been a huge supporter of your site. I will be sad to be banned, but I will not give up my right to defend myself.

I guess this is my good bye to everyone. Take care of your beautiful selves. I will miss you.

--Madly


(reply to this comment)

From madly
Thursday, April 03, 2008, 13:36

Average visitor agreement is 3 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 3 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 3 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 3 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 3 out of 5(Agree/Disagree?)
This is my response to Julesí email to me letting me know she will post my article:

I am sorry, Jules, but I am not okay with your decision not to post my article. Kelly has spoken lies about me to countless people on MO and I think the only fair thing for you to allow is to let me tell my side of the story. That is all I have done. I had hoped it would go away, but as you can see, she is starting it, and following me around. I am going to post my side and if it means that you will have to ban me, I will be sad to go, but I will not sit here, while she says all these things about me and not be allowed to defend myself. This has been made very public on MO and I will not be denied my rights.

I do respect you and I am not trying to make things difficult. I hope you can forgive me. Please do remove all our comments off of rainy's article out of respect for her. I know you are friends with Kelly's sister and I hope this is not clouding your judgment. I have been a huge supporter of your site and I feel you are not protecting me and that is a very disappointing.

(reply to this comment
From madly
Thursday, April 03, 2008, 13:41

(Agree/Disagree?)
* telling me she will NOT post my article(reply to this comment
From madly
Thursday, April 03, 2008, 13:38

Average visitor agreement is 3.5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 3.5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 3.5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 3.5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 3.5 out of 5(Agree/Disagree?)
Removed by admin - The TOU prohibits participants using this website for personal feuds. (reply to this comment
From Good for You!!
Thursday, April 03, 2008, 23:03

Average visitor agreement is 1 out of 5(
Agree/Disagree?)
Good for you for standing up for yourself and refusing to be victimized or at least refusing to be shut up and having the guts speaking your piece.

I don't disparage the Admin(s) as (an) individual(s). I do, however, question their decision pattern, in my view the decision pattern exhibited by them smacks of venality, nepotism, double standards, and sexism.

Speak your piece girl, and hold your ground.
(reply to this comment
From madly
Thursday, April 03, 2008, 23:45

Average visitor agreement is 3 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 3 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 3 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 3 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 3 out of 5(Agree/Disagree?)
Thank you, but I am not trying to put down admin, start a war against them, or put them down in any way. I have nothing but respect for Jules and I understand she has to have rules on this site, in order to keep the peace. My issue is that this has been going on with Kelly for sometime now, and as far as I know admin is very aware that Kelly has been doing this to me, yet nothing has been done in my defense. I simply felt the need to defend myself. That is allÖ it is no bigger than that.

I have no hard feelings towards anyone and I wish nothing but the best for everyone. If Kelly was to come to her senses tomorrow and realize she had been wrong, I would forgive and forget and it would be over. I wouldnít even hold a grudge. With that being said, I felt it was my right to state my side and defend myself against her constant allegations. If she can say them, then why can I not rebuff them?

Again, this has nothing to do with Jules and since I have gone against her code of conduct, she has every right to ban me and I wonít have hard feelings for her having to do it. I did what I felt was right and she will do what she feels is right, and that is the best we all can do. Please donít make this more than it is. This isnít me against Jules, but simply me wanting to set the record straight. I am tired of all of it and wish it never happened, but life is what it is, and I am only human. (reply to this comment
From 2ndChapter
Thursday, April 03, 2008, 20:35

Average visitor agreement is 3 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 3 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 3 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 3 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 3 out of 5(Agree/Disagree?)
Kelly did something similar to me but only in the chatroom. She'd ask all these personal questions and then went on to say in the chat that I was old man in the family trying to infiltrate this site. Nothing compared to what she's done to you but it did strike me as odd and thought she was just drunk.(reply to this comment
From fragiletiger
Thursday, April 03, 2008, 13:45

Average visitor agreement is 4 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 4 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 4 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 4 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 4 out of 5(Agree/Disagree?)
Luckly her stories are so bizarre, no one will believe them. Don't go Madly, what will we do without you?(reply to this comment
From rainy
Thursday, April 03, 2008, 13:40

Average visitor agreement is 3.5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 3.5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 3.5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 3.5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 3.5 out of 5(Agree/Disagree?)
I'm sure if it is removed, it will still be found in the trailer park. I guess personal feuds are against T&Cs but I don't think you'll be banned Madly. You had to say what you had to say.(reply to this comment
from 2ndChapter
Sunday, March 30, 2008 - 00:09

Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5(Agree/Disagree?)
"Stop lying to yourself. Stop pretending you are so tough when you canít even win a fight against your own mind."

Striking words.
(reply to this comment)
from Asking??? What? Where? When? How? Why? Who?
Tuesday, March 18, 2008 - 00:25

Average visitor agreement is 2 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 2 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 2 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 2 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 2 out of 5(Agree/Disagree?)
Here is your answer: No.
(reply to this comment)
From madly
Tuesday, March 18, 2008, 00:31

Average visitor agreement is 3 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 3 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 3 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 3 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 3 out of 5(Agree/Disagree?)
No... that is your answer, not mine, never mine!(reply to this comment
From No!
Tuesday, March 18, 2008, 00:36

Average visitor agreement is 2 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 2 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 2 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 2 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 2 out of 5(
Agree/Disagree?)
(reply to this comment
from DeeJay
Monday, March 17, 2008 - 22:37

Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5(Agree/Disagree?)

I'm taking this one as the other side to your last one. Judging by the torn thought processes and the inclination towards balance despite tunning to extremes to accomplish it, I'm going to venture a guess. Libra?

In cold hard terms, I personally think we are all dead in that we are all dying. The debate of whether to embrace your feelings or supress them is up to the individual.

Some would say that even animals feel, but the ability to articulate and channel them can/does set us above them. The fact that we can understand them and choose what to do with them is both a power and an endless circle of hopelessness. My metaphor of a circle is meant to convey my question - to what end? There are times I feel thrilled to be alive, and there are times I feel they do nothing but constrict what I could do without them. Then again, come death, what does anything that I've done in this life matter? Oopps, there's the circle again.

Rise above them? Embrace them? And then what? Try to lead as meaningful an existence as you can? Maybe you have a point. Feelings do keep me alive, so maybe it's the same for some others as well. Nice insight, your line of thought did make my day happier.
(reply to this comment)

From madly
Tuesday, March 18, 2008, 00:28

Average visitor agreement is 4 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 4 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 4 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 4 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 4 out of 5(Agree/Disagree?)
I liked what you said, but it is such a small part of what I said. Thank you, all the same. :)(reply to this comment
from mad dreamer
Monday, March 17, 2008 - 17:22

Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5(Agree/Disagree?)
It's perfect.
(reply to this comment)

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