Moving On | Choose your lifeMoving On | Choose your life
Safe Passage Foundation - Support to youth raised in high demand organizations

Saturday, January 31, 2009    

Home | New Content | Statistics | Games | FAQs

Getting Through : Dealing


from madly - Tuesday, November 13, 2007
accessed 860 times

Nothing, nothing and more nothing from your mad one…

Memories… is that all I am? Must I continue to build this life on this life’s past? The past is more than memories, because all those memories have created little parts of me, and I am, as they were. How can we ever be more than the events in our life, events that have shaped us as such? How can we see the world and everyone in it from a place without ourselves distorting and twisting our own perceptions; giving everything meaning that we have formed from our very own tainted perspectives? Is it possible to have an unbiased life without the influence of ones past effecting everything? The truth is… it isn’t.

Old relationships effect new ones, past friendships effect present ones, past experiences influence existing ones and I am now, because of what I was then. Everything I see, do, and experience has derived from a view that has been formed because of past events. It is a like having colored contact lenses permanently placed over my eyes and I can never see the world through any other color. They may grow thicker with various shades and colors added as I live on, but the base color will ever remain the same; stained from birth with memories that will forever make my now a continuum of my then.

I cannot shake it… I cannot escape it, because it is as real as my blood, my breath and runs through me as deeply as my soul. We can never be more than the life we have lived and we may try to forget, but we cannot pretend that these memories, of past experiences, do not affect us. I can change my career, my life, my boyfriend, my look, but what I cannot change is my memory. Unfortunately, it seems that I can never be more than an extension of who I was.

Good ol' nature vs. nurture comes to mind again. I catch myself thinking about which may have a greater affect over me? The more I think about it, the more it makes me laugh, because no matter which is more powerful, I am still screwed. My parents were crazy, certifiably so. They were cruel and unfeeling, with no love for me and they passed those crazy genes and uncaring feelings right down to me. My environment was exactly the same, if not worse, with only more uncaring, cruel and unfeeling people, people who passed their way of life over to me as well. They forced it on me, both creating me and here I stand now, a creature of nature and nurture. If one wins over the other, I am still the same, because they were the same. I am their creation, the accumulation of what my life has made me, and it can’t be anything more than what it was… ugly.

I know I could be anything. I could continue to study until I was old and wise, become rich, famous, travel the world and change my life to suit me, and in so many ways, I have. Still, I will never be more if I can never let go of what I was. It is there with me, always, and no one can see it, but I feel it haunting me, choking me, laughing at me for thinking I can pretend to let it go. When I close my eyes I try to leave it behind, but when I wake I find it had been my dream.

Nothing can make it go away and nothing can make me feel beautiful when all I can ever see is ugly. It is not because I am angry or because I cannot let go, because I have and I have and I will continue to do so. It seems that it cannot let go of me, because we are the same. How do you let go of more than half of your life and ever be something that is not a part of the something that you were?

I can’t be more than my life and my life has made me a prisoner. Every event has been a bar added and although I am constantly trying to escape, I carry the bars which have welded themselves to me. I have become the prison.

I want to live again. I want to do it over. Can I have one more chance to do it right? Damn it! Why do I have to live with these memories and why do I have to see the world through these eyes? I want new ones. I want to see the world through innocent, trusting pure eyes that can take things for what they are and not for what they have been.

All the essentials, the things I crave for, more than I could ever express, things such as peace, contentment, happiness seem so far away and out of reach. It is difficult for me to believe that these things are real and obtainable. The truth is… I hate my life and I feel forced to live a life that was forced on me. I don’t want to do it anymore. I am tired of living for the sake of waking up and hoping I will be someone else when all I can ever be is me.

Life is not supposed to be easy and I am not lazy. I have no issue when it comes to working hard and being the best person I can, but I cannot win a fight that can only be won by killing myself off. The only hope I have of living the life I want is to die and start over, but I do not have that option, at least I don’t give myself that option.

I don’t even know who I am. Am I compassionate? Am I a total bitch? Am I crazy, or am I all the above? Is everything I do an old hang-up from my past? Do I even know what I really want, who I want to be, or will I always be plagued with what they told me I needed to be? Will I forever feel guilty if I am not a “good” person? Can I be selfish? Can I live for me and really mean it and feel good about it? Will I forever have to do things for others, or do I sincerely enjoy doing things for others? Which is me and which is them? Do I make myself feel guilty or do they? Are we even different entities, or are we the same now. Am I no more than their extension, because I was never allowed to form into anything other than what they formed me into? How can I tell who the fuck I am?

Life? Is that what this is? If we are only given one life to live and we are unable to make it our own, then what is the point? Damn… I want this life! I want it so badly it hurts! Who the hell am I??!! Why am I so lost and will I ever be content? Can I continue to live for these random moments of bliss, moments that leave me hoping for more? Will I ever find peace or is that what death is for?

Will the time come that I will be able to make a change, the change being me? Can I ever be free, or is there only hope for the pretense of freedom? Just let it go… let it go and move on… wash it off and let it go. Maybe one day I will forget who I was and I will begin to live as I am, making life what it should be, something to live for.

Reader's comments on this article

Add a new comment on this article

from madly
Thursday, December 06, 2007 - 22:52

Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5(Agree/Disagree?)

This is for my mother... the song, but more so the images in the video. I could have been something beautiful, but your poison and hate made me into something else. I loved you and all I wanted was for you to see me, to love me. I needed you to protect me, but you threw me away and handed me over as if I were trash to be disposed of. I can't forgive you for this and I may never recover. As you live, remember that you killed the very life you gave me.

(reply to this comment)

from conan
Monday, November 19, 2007 - 12:06

Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5(Agree/Disagree?)
That was awesome, Dead Boy.

I don’t personally have kids, but the perspective of being a shell whilst (somewhat) successfully imitating adulthood is one I find myself being able to commiserate with.

Madly, I feel your pain, or rather I feel a similar pain which is all my own. Although perhaps I’ve made peace with the monster that is myself a little more readily than you’ve made peace with the enigma that you find yourself to be, the lingering questioning of one’s eerie self remains. My memories are largely repressed but the ones I freely recollect are of misery, pain, and open disdain and venomous hate directed at my person. I like to believe that I’ve not become a victim of my memories and my past, but readily acknowledge that the events I recall (and obviously the ones I do not) have shaped my life and created the individual I have become, be that for better or worse.

Like you, I feel that if I put my mind to it, I can accomplish anything and become anything; something others can admire and aspire to be. However, the desire to do so is often lacking. I have a lethargic acceptance when it comes to my status quo and how I interact with people around me. Why aspire to be something when I already know that I won’t feel any more then than I do now? Why bother making something of myself when the beast within knows all too well that it will simply be more fodder to add to the heap of smoldering discontentment that steadily burns inside?

While you seem unable to enjoy life because you find yourself to be an ugly, unlovable misfit, I seem all too able to enjoy (brief) moments in life by causing emotional damage to those who come into my life by behaving in appearance to be a normal, well-adjusted functioning individual, whilst in reality I’m maladjusted, abnormal, and prone to alien thought patterns and behaviors that were I to voice, I’d be considered, perhaps rightfully so, a raving lunatic and a damaged psychotic of emotional void. A portion of me revels in being able to manipulate the feelings of others to suit my pleasure, yet find that other splinters of my ego long only to be able to fit in to ‘normal life’ in society and to be able to maintain cognizant interactions with my ‘peers’ without wholly abhorring them and subconsciously laughing at how pathetic I find them to be.

I don’t think there is any relevance in my posting these mindless conclusions; perhaps in the same way you feel your thoughts reflect ‘nothing’? I suppose that I believe the questioning of your identity is one that every intelligent person undergoes despite the knowledge that the end result will most likely be an exercise in futility. ‘Enlightenment’ is not something I expect to achieve by voicing my inner demons’ notions, nor do I expect to be understood better for having voiced them. I don’t aspire to the assumption that my life will have a purpose eventually, or that I’ll feel something more than passing fancy to the ‘friends’ and acquaintances I daily interact with. The monster I’ve made peace with has become me and I him, and we are one and inseparable for as long as I endure in this futile existence.

(reply to this comment)
from Dead Boy
Thursday, November 15, 2007 - 21:19

Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5(Agree/Disagree?)

Her mother sings her the songs her mother sang her. She passes on the childhood toys she saved for the day she could share them. She teaches her the games she once played. She shows her all the love she knew. At least she'll have half a legacy, but what could I possibly pass on. What do I have that I can share with her? I have no memories, no toys, no games, no songs, no love. They stole my childhood and now childhood is foreign to me. I find I resent my own daughter for the happiness she is fortunate enough to experience.

So this is where you and I differ, Madly, my dear. I find I am not a product of my past. No, tens years of systematic self destruction effectively bled it out of me. Now I'm just a shell. Adult-hood is easy enough to fake, but childhood is a world I'll never understand. So in a way, despite everything I've done to kill my legacy, it survives. By killing the child they have killed the parent.

(reply to this comment)

From ESJ
Saturday, November 17, 2007, 01:21


My heart really goes out to you both, Madly and Dead Boy. It breaks my heart knowing how deeply you are suffering on the inside and I can actually personally relate to it. Growing up in a violent, chaotic, sexually abusive environment myself as a child left me with a constant underlying depression as a teemager. And as a teenager, ironically enough, I wrote very similar feelings in my journal that you have voiced here. (Although, I was much less well informed and did not have the awareness you guys now have, which is what caused me to wind up in TF at 16. And I would say the reason a lot of your parents are so dysfunctional or crazy or unable to love you is that they themselves came from very dysfunctional families that left them vulnerable to the manuipulation and control of TF, which caused them to regress back to the 'learned powerlessness' of their childhoods, making them even more unbalanced and unable to parent you or protect you from TF's abuse. Powerlessness and 'dependency' on 'quasi-parent figures' in adulthood is a learned behaviour usually embedded in the psyche in early childhood. So in some ways, the legacy of the SGA's is a case of 'history repeating itself' in a grossly amplified manner due to the additional burden of being in an environment full of other deluded adults as well, and not just your parents).

All that to say, I feel - from my own experience - that the reason the past 'lives on within' to some degree is due to the internal environment of our inner psyches. Most people who've had abusive upbringings suffer from 'invisible PTSD' (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) where the nervous system has learned from an early age to remain in a constant state of alert ('fight or flight' mode) - which translates to 'free floating anxiety' or 'underlying depression' or 'existential angst'. This makes one more vulnerable and sensitive to 'triggers' and addictions, etc, and keeps the past invisibly living on in our present (regardless of how 'positive' and 'functional' we can appear to be in the world).

What you may not realize at times though, is - in spite of the depressing thoughts and feelings and 'learned patterns' you are experiencing - just how incredibly deeply 'aware' you are. It always amazes me just how deeply 'self aware' many ex SGA's have become (in spite of the issues that continue to plague them) as a result of all you've gone through and learned. You guys are amazing 'free thinkers' and you're not afraid of the truth - which makes you stronger in some ways than many others who have not had to face the challenges you face. This in itself does not solve the problem of an abusive past, but it does give you a much broader scope and deeper understanding of your own - and human nature in general. I don't have all the answers because I myself still privately grieve too, in spite of all I know and all I've learned. But I'm also aware that, on some level, the self knowledge I have accumulated from it all is somehow carrying me through in spite of the sadness.

There's one quote from a book I have, written by a Sufi master, entitled 'Awakening' which always speaks to me. It says, 'So if you think you are handicapped in some way, you will find that your compensation for it is a quality that you wouldn't have cultivated if it were not for that innate flaw. Indeed, one is never so strong as when one is broken. When you grasp this mystery, then you will be able to see that how you are broken is where you are whole.'

over what I put my poor children through and the loss of my eldest son (who is still 'missing' to me to this day)how being in TF has affected us all for life, no matter how 'successful' we may be on the surface. through self love and creativity into(reply to this comment

From ESJ
Saturday, November 17, 2007, 01:28

(PS: Those last 3 lines were 2 separate 'excess thoughts' I edited out of what I was writing but forgot to get rid of before posting. Sorry.)(reply to this comment
from JohnnieWalker
Tuesday, November 13, 2007 - 22:04

Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5(Agree/Disagree?)
I think it may be possible to change the individual the past has made me. New experiences and stimuli can change the way I see myself as well as the way I handle any given scenario. The past may always influence me, but I can suppress its bias and, with repetition, replace it entirely over time.

I guess if I were fatalistic and surrendered to what my past has made me, there would be little hope for change. But perhaps these "random moments of bliss", as you so aptly put it, that life dishes out can be used as motivators to making myself who I want to become. True, the memories will always be with me, and in a way, will have defined who I am. But I think that every minute that I am alive gives me an opportunity to create new, stronger memories which will redefine me eventually.

But what do I know? My childhood has been comparatively easy when I consider what happened to some of my friends. Maybe my naïvety makes ignoring the memories easier for me. And maybe by attempting to make myself something I'm not, I mar the hideous masterpiece my past is trying to make of me.

If life is a roller coaster, then I guess I should just enjoy the ride with all of its ups, downs, starts, stops, jostling, bruising, thrills, scares, views, and vomiting while it lasts without worrying about what everyone else thinks of me.

If I could wish one thing for you, madly, it would be that you could see yourself through the eyes of those in your life who love you.
(reply to this comment)
From madly
Wednesday, November 14, 2007, 19:57

First off, thanks for what you said… as usual, you are sweet, but I do not agree with a lot of what you said.

“The past may always influence me, but I can suppress its bias and, with repetition, replace it entirely over time.” I do not agree that you can completely replace your past by present actions. You can add to them and hopefully learn to live with out as much of their influence, but your past, especially your early past, has created you, formed you and is in a sense, your essence. I think the difference would be if you started out life in a positive supporting environment and then went through tough times. This may not affect you as much because you have a solid past that you can gather strength from.

The early years are the most important in your development. This is when you learn who you are, how to love, trust and how you fit into this thing called life. I don’t think you can completely replace this, or the lack thereof, over time. Sure, you can suppress it, but that is exactly what I am sick of doing.

There are a few other things you said, that I do not agree with and yes, it may have a lot to do with the differences in our past, what we went through and how we were raised. So, I will leave it there. I did want to say that I am not at all concerned about how others see me. This is about how I see myself. If I cared how others viewed me, I would not have posted this or any of my other crazy articles.

I guess I am just sick of pretending that I am not affected by my past when the truth is, I am infected with my past and I am tired of seeing the world through my sick eyes. Just when I think I am over it, something happens that brings it to life again. I am coming to the conclusion that it is me that I am fighting to overcome, not my past, but what my past has made me into. (reply to this comment
From JohnnieWalker
Wednesday, November 14, 2007, 20:08

I guess I should clarify that I hadn't intended to sound like I was giving advice or saying you were too concerned about how others see you. My thoughts turned into more of a ramble than a comment. Sorry.

I agree with you that one cannot replace their past and will be influenced by it forever. I was speaking in particular about the biases the past has left me with. I guess I could have worded that sentence better, but that is what I intended to say.(reply to this comment
From madly
Wednesday, November 14, 2007, 20:12

It’s okay; because Samuel just informed me that maybe the real issue is that I am a lesbian. Wow… I think I am all better now. How could I have overlooked something so simple? All these years, all I needed was some lesbian loving. (reply to this comment
From Kelly
Thursday, November 15, 2007, 01:07


lol...I wish Sammy was right... maybe I’ll just turn lesbian too. Who knew? All along all that pain and suffering turned out to be a simple sexual identify crisis (sigh). Madly you know if it was that easy I’d be your bitch any day ;-(

anyways girl, you know your blazing ;-P(reply to this comment

From *you are blazing
Saturday, November 17, 2007, 22:21

:)(reply to this comment
From JohnnieWalker
Wednesday, November 14, 2007, 20:16

LOL...well in that case, have fun. :P(reply to this comment

My Stuff

log in here
to post or update your articles


2 user/s currently online

Web Site User Directory
5047 registered users

log out of chatroom

Happy Birthday to demerit   Benz   tammysoprano  

Weekly Poll

What should the weekly poll be changed to?

 The every so often poll.

 The semi-anual poll.

 Whenever the editor gets to it poll.

 The poll you never heard about because you have never looked at previous polls which really means the polls that never got posted.

 The out dated poll.

 The who really gives a crap poll.

View Poll Results

Poll Submitted by cheeks,
September 16, 2008

See Previous Polls

Online Stores

I think, therefore I left

Check out the Official
Moving On Merchandise
. Send in your product ideas

Free Poster: 100 Reasons Why It's Great to be a Systemite

copyright © 2001 - 2009

[terms of use] [privacy policy] [disclaimer] [The Family / Children of God] [contact:] [free speech on the Internet blue ribbon] [About the Trailer Park] [Who Links Here]