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Getting Through : Dealing

Anger Management

from smashingrrl - Friday, August 03, 2007
accessed 684 times

I have a question. I'll get to it eventually.

I don't know when it I lost it. I don't really know if I ever had it. It seems I've never known the ability to control my temper.

I used to hit my little brother whenever he pissed me off. That inevitably led to my parents hitting me. It never did make much sense to me; being taught hitting was wrong by being hit. The slightest thing could set me off when I was a kid. He'd tell on me for something and I'd get my ass beaten. So, I'd chase him down and hit him in return. He'd borrow a shirt without asking or use my walkman. I'd hit him. I'm not actually sure if he's forgiven me. I know I haven't forgiven myself.

So now I've grown into an adult. I don't randomly get into fights anymore. I used to. Back in the military, when I was younger, I'd fight for any reason I could find. I was drinking a lot though and once I stopped, so did the fighting. At least, I thought it did.

Now I'm on probation. Yes, for assault. Someone made me angrier than I think I've ever been. I won't get into details. Sorry. The strangest thing is that I don't even remember doing it. I wasn't drunk or impaired by any other means. I simply don't remember.

My shrink explains it as PTSD. My question is, does anyone else have this problem? I feel like I'm crazy. I'm scared this will happen again. For now, all I can do is avoid any situation that might trigger me. Like I said, my shrink blames it on the family. My friends blame it on the person I hit. I blame it on me. So no, I'm not trying to excuse what I did. I'm just wondering if the anger and rage I feel will ever be under control.

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from Phoenixkidd
Tuesday, August 07, 2007 - 08:11


Smashi You've been through exteme stress! Of course you get angry, it's perfectly normal for ex-military to be extemely strict and violent towards their acquaintances usually their spouse or wife....You are just acting out what you were taught from your parents, your step-Dad I remember seemed to used to like disciplining you and the other kids...I remember everything. He even spanked me and James. You are also acting out what the Military taught you.

You just have to learn control, perhaps taking a class or course study in psychology would help...Just being in that classroom environment but this time with civilians, and learning about psychological idioms, and theories, such as anger displacement, trauma dealing, would really help. I know my psychology class I took way back in 2000, really helped me.

(reply to this comment)

From smashingrrl
Tuesday, August 07, 2007, 08:21


I've given up trying to apologize for that bastard. Ugh. So once and for all, I'm sorry for anyone who ever came into contact with the fucking prick. lol

Military didn't teach me to fight...the family did. All the AF taught me to do was iron a perfect crease and polish boots into mirrors. It's not as though I joined the marines. Thankfully, I've never even had the urge to hurt a gf or any other friend. The brother being the exception. I know the root of it really. I'm just wondering if it will ever end. (reply to this comment

from rainy
Sunday, August 05, 2007 - 03:57

(reply to this comment)
From conan
Tuesday, August 07, 2007, 09:02

That was awesome! Thanks, rainy :)(reply to this comment
from scorpion
Sunday, August 05, 2007 - 02:53

smashing gurl, like i said earlier its totally normal to become angry when some stupid fuck decides to do somthing that they know will annoy someone else. some of the conditions that i have right now are that I have to go to anger managment, and not allowed to posess any kind of weapons, the only time im legally allowed to possess any sort of thing that represents a weapon is a steak knife when i eat. but thats only in canada tho haha. what i dont get is that in the world today what people consider to be symtoms of not being able to control your anger can be anything from punching some asshole out for trying to act tough to shooting some fucker up. as for the punching some asshole out, isnt it absolutely normal for getting pissed if say your at a club minding your own buisness and some young punk has somthing to prove and comes and starts shit with you? now it would be the other way around if you were the person who has somthing to prove and the one starting the shit, but as far as getting pissed at someone for there stupidity how the fuck is that considered not being able to control your anger?! seriously how stupid are people becoming these days....the people who come up with the stupid "oh he/she has "anger managment issues" are usually the people who are to big of bitch to express there true feelings so they have to go take it out on people who have the guts to do so. i donno thats just how i feel...?
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from Finding my Temper
Saturday, August 04, 2007 - 17:29


I never knew what anger was until recently. As a kid abused by the Family, I knew I had to act as they wanted. I have nightmares of losing my teeth all the time.
(reply to this comment)

from moon beam
Saturday, August 04, 2007 - 06:25

I had the opposite problem-not being able to show anger. I used to have a dream where someone was invading my personal space and attacking me, yet my arms would flail about like a baby, unable to control my arms or have any strength to fight back.
I still have it (as well as one where my teeth all fall out, before a big occasion) sometimes when I feel insecure or lacking in confidence. I feel that I have more of a balance now.
(reply to this comment)
From figaro
Saturday, August 04, 2007, 10:25

I sometimes have dreams where someone is doing something to me that I don't want. What they do is always different, and I fight back as hard as I can, but its like I am unable completely helpless because everything I do doesn't make any difference. The teeth thing I don't understand, I get that dream A LOT, all my teeth will fall out, but theres more teeth then i have in real life, its like I have hundreds of teeth. I don't know if its because I never got any dental attention as a kid and now my teeth are really fucked up (over crowded, crooked, came out wrong), or if its something else, like symbolizing my yearning for something new. I have heard that the teeth falling out is symbolizing a full scale, drastic change, or that you WANT a full scale drastic change. I dunno, my dreams are strange and chaotic. But back to the subject of the thread, I have SERIOUS problems controlling my anger sometimes. I looked into getting help for it, but it was just so expansive I couldn't afford it. :/(reply to this comment
From rainy
Saturday, August 04, 2007, 14:31

"One theory is that dreams about your teeth reflect your anxiety about your appearance and how others perceive you. Sadly, we live in a world where good looks are valued highly and your teeth play an important role in conveying that image. Teeth are used in the game of flirtations, whether it be a dazzling and gleaming smile or affectionate necking. These dreams may stem from a fear of your sexual impotence or the consequences of getting old. Teeth are an important feature of our attractiveness and presentation to others. Everybody worries about how they appear to others. Caring about our appearance is natural and healthy.�

Another rationalization for these falling teeth dream may be rooted in your fear of being embarrassed or making a fool of yourself in some specific situation. These dreams are an over-exaggeration of your worries and anxiety.�

Teeth are used to bite, tear, chew and gnaw. In this regard, teeth represent power. And the loss of teeth in your dream may be from a sense of powerlessness. Are you lacking power in some current situation? Perhaps you are having difficulties expressing yourself or getting your point across. You feel frustrated when your voice is not being heard. You may be experiencing feelings of inferiority and a lack of self-confidence in some situation or relationship in your life. This dream is an indication that you need to be more assertive and believe in the value of your own opinion.

In the latest research, it has been shown that women in menopause have frequent dreams about teeth. This may be related to getting older and/or feeling unattractive and less feminine.

Traditionally, it was thought that dreaming that you did not have teeth, represent malnutrition which may be applicable to some dreamers."
(reply to this comment
From smashingrrl
Saturday, August 18, 2007, 22:55

I asked a friend of mine who's a shrink. Evidently, the teeth falling out dream is pretty common. The theory is it's just general anxiety. He said it's inexplicably common among people with PTSD. (reply to this comment
From figaro
Saturday, August 04, 2007, 17:25

Well, all of those make sense, and most of them could be what me loosing my teeth in my dreams represent. Of those, the only one that I know doesn't apply to me is "from a fear of your sexual impotence", I really don't have any concerns on that. I'm not saying that to sound like a stud or anything, I'm just simply not worried about it. But yea, the rest sound pretty valid and any one could be why I have these dreams.(reply to this comment
From smashingrrl
Saturday, August 04, 2007, 10:35


In all honesty, I wouldn't bother with therapy. I went for years to several different doctors. After a certain point, I'd just start lying to see what I could get diagnosed with next. It became a sick game. The only reason I continue now is that it's court mandated.:) The anger management therapy is even worse. Did you know if you're angry you should count to ten? Ten what? Ten punches? Ten shots of Jack? Ten holes in the wall? Shrinks never seem to be able to figure out what to do with me. They are either too aghast in disbelief at what I tell them or just quote a script from a psych book I likely read in high school. I've taken up boxing. Oddly, my probation officer is in the same boxing class. It's at least a more constructive outlet. Then again, it may just make matters worse the next time I lose control and belt someone.(reply to this comment

From figaro
Saturday, August 04, 2007, 11:12

No, I will NOT go to a shrink for anything. If I do then I fall under the "mentally ill" legal category and I lose my right to own a gun, and I'm not giving up my guns. I was just going to go to an anger management class and see if there was anything they could tell me that I didn't already know when it comes to not losing my temper and acting out. But I rather doubt they could do or tell me a damn thing that will help, or that I don't already know.(reply to this comment
From smashingrrl
Saturday, August 04, 2007, 09:21


Now I'm glad I don't remember my nightmares. (reply to this comment

from moon beam
Saturday, August 04, 2007 - 06:07


Most people have child sub-personalities and/or alters in some form. These child sub-personalities and/or alters are really energetic compartmentalizations of the origina personality. Trauma of some sort usually precipitates and installs this kind of mind-pattern. Which also alters the brain function annd opens up new pathways. (these can be changed) Whatever age the child is traumatized is the age of the child alter/sub-personality that forms and stays, living in perpetual childhood within the emerging soul-personality. ??Almost everyone has some kind of trauma that occurred at some point in his/her childhood that he/she did not have the mental, emotional, and/or physical tools to handle. This can be as "simple" as a parent who did not give enough attention to as traumatic as explicit physical/sexual abuse. At some point, the child realized that the situation was something over which he/she had no control, and could not resolve to his/her satisfaction. The child literally had no conscious choice but to accept the unpalatable situation??This kind of trauma creates a split in the child's personality. Mental illness can develop at this point, memory loss can occur, and sub-personalities form. Sometimes even alters form personalities within a personality, such as a "tough guy" that can deal with anything comes forward while the tender, sweet part of the child hides within the depths of the personality. What happens within the conscious mind is extremely personal and quite specific to a particular soul-personality. This sets the current child behavior at that particular age. That part of the soul-personality never develops, just living within the rest of the soul-personality. This leads to a myriad of childlike behavior patterns.??As with all original imprinting, this child alter continually tries to work out the situation with whoever is handy. The greatest challenge for most people is to consciously discover these child alters within themselves. Because you are so accustomed to the child alter, you generally just accept this behavior as a part of your "adult' personality without questioning its appropriateness. You do not realize that this is an entirely separate sub-personality who "comes out of his/her closet" whenever he/she has the opportunity to work through his/her issues. You cannot "fix' something if you do not realize that it is broken. ??When your child alters are active, there are some distinct characteristics that come out. Some people are extremely egocentric. This means that the world revolves around him/her. If this did not happen as a child, then the person may try to recreate this scenario, except this time, he/she is the center of attention. Or, it could be that as a child this person was the center of attention and now cannot accept when he/she is not. ??Usually child alters are deeply imbued with a "fight or flight" reaction to controversy of any kind. This is because these are the only tools a small child knows and can think of to do. Pay attention to see how you resolve conflict. Are you able to talk about your issues as an adult, or do you just fight or run away like a child? Children do not have the emotional capability or verbal skills to react with words. They want to run away, but they cannot. They want to fight, but they cannot. But, in an adult body, they can do both—so they do! ??Children can have difficulty setting boundaries, as most boundaries are imposed upon them. Therefore, as an adult, people with this kind of background do whatever they want without anyone to tell them "no." To balance out the childhood feelings of not having boundary control, these types of people set the boundaries "first" regardless of who or what is in their way. The child alter will do anything to maintain this type of control over others. And, the child alter will go out of his/her way to ensure that no one tell tells him/he what to do—even when it is in the best interest of the person. ??Child alters that come out can argue, fight, and express anger anyway that he/she wants. He/she can yell, stomp, hit, scream, throw things, explode with rage—it does not matter. ?The child alter simply is doing what an unfettered child would naturally do under similar circumstances. The child alter feels entirely free to act out this type of behavior. Sometimes violently. ??Child alters have no rules, no boundaries, no one bigger than them to say "no." Some adults with child alters choose to eat candy all day, or stay up all night and sleep all day. Some choose to do nothing but eat candy and junk food. Some are messy and filthy just because they can. Many lack physical boundaries., so may hit others, having no understanding of empathy, which is aquired around the ages of 11-14.??Most child alters start to form around the age of two to three when the child really starts to "get" that "this is the way it is." By five, most children realize what their life is. A child alter has no rules except the rules of a two- to five-year-old. They can now set their own rules, and they do. You cannot reason with a child alter. Have you ever tried to reason with a two- to five-year-old? It just cannot be done. ??Additional child alters/sub-personalities often form at certain ages of natural maturity, such as eight to ten, twelve to fourteen, and then again at sixteen to eighteen. At this point, most children are physically free to leave home. But the mental and emotional patterns are already installed, and this is what stays with them the rest of their lives. ??Child alters are not able to take responsibility. It is never "their" fault. It is always "your" fault. Child alters view the world as "doing something to them." They definitely are the victims!??Many people with child alters sometimes have childlike mannerisms and speak in childlike voices. They may prefer childhood nicknames that are not really names, but were often devised upon what a child said, did, or even watched on television, such as Oopy, Porky, Hats, Tib, Sport, etc. Some child alters even take on the names of animals, such as Kitten, Pet, Boots, etc. ??Really take a look at yourself to determine if you have any active child alters/sub-personalities. Once you realize that you have a child alter/sub-personality, you have the opportunity to decide in conscious awareness how you wish to deal with it. When you feel this happen, become the objective observer. Observe when this happens and how often. Observe if the child alter feels he/she has no other choice but to express this way. (toddlers have temper tantrams and often lash/hit out, physicaly)??Recognize that you are now an adult and you do have personal power and choices. When this happens, work on merging and re-integrating the child alter/sub-personality back within you. Do your best to merge and balance self so that you are the one in charge—not some emotionally stunted child alter/ sub-personality. ??When the child alter/sub-personality is active, you can feel a bubble of energy well up. Often, there is a part of you that you simply cannot break through this energetic build-up, and may not even want to break through. When you get to this stage, simply objectively observe without criticism and/or judgment. ??At some point, you will gain the strength to release all that you no longer need, and work on the reintegration process. This is important so that you can grow on in an effective capacity.??When you start this work, and push comes to shove, you may find yourself pulling that child alter/sub-personality back in because this is what you know , it is the familiar. That is okay. This is part of the process. As long as you are aware of the process, you will keep moving forward and you will reach a point where you are reintegrated in a comfortable way. Then, the child alter/sub-personality no longer exists in the same way. ??Once you reach this point, your life again changes in ways that are yet unimaginable. As an adult, with adult tools, and emotional and mental capacities, your entire life flows smoother and becomes increasingly more manageable. Investigate, explore, acknowledge, reintegrate. Become the person that you want to be.
more on this subject
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from thatata
Saturday, August 04, 2007 - 02:59


Ithink I can understand you in a way.I think if my life moved in a different direction or environment,I could have also grown up into being physically violent.Anger is sort of like a high and it makes you feel so solid.Its an understandable addiction.

I also think though,perhaps that authoritarian cultures or structures or whatever,kind of have something to do with this type of aggression.The belief in authority might give a person a tendency towards violence.

Thats just my blank thought on this.
(reply to this comment)

From thatata
Saturday, August 04, 2007, 03:02


and it might be presumptuous

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from scorpion
Saturday, August 04, 2007 - 00:42


its perfectly normal to get pissed off. its actually a good thing. alot of people have the opposite problem which is worse, to big of a pussy to say anthing for themselves. and they hold it inside them and it builds up to be to much and they have some sort of mental breakdown, u'll find alot of people like that tend to tell alot of sob storys. but at least you can say exactly what you want to say even tho somtimes u get in shit for it, better then holding it in and hating ur self for not being able to say anything rit? and why did u get busted for somthing as stupid as assult? haha j/k
(reply to this comment)

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