from mad dreamer - Wednesday, July 25, 2007
accessed 551 times
I think back on my past and wonder if I ever really felt emotion until now. Why do I feel like I am more aware of who I am now than I was half a decade ago? What changed?
I thought I knew what emotions were. I thought I knew how to express them. But as I analyze my past self, it becomes clear that it was all an act; a memorized combination of phrases and actions that mimicked emotions. Did I really feel or by going through the motions was my conscious self simply appeasing a subconscious need to emote? Knee-jerk emotions. Canned emotions. Push a button, and presto! Emotion....or so I thought.
There was a time or two when my subconscious won; when I'd cry bitterly for no apparent reason; when I'd feel alive and breathing for a fleeting minute. And then I'd feel vulnerable...catch myself...control myself again....for what?
Why do I feel different now? What changed me? What did I change? Have I really changed, or was I always like this but that was just a muted version of me? Was I sane then, and am I crazy now? No....let's not go there. Sanity is relative, anyway.
Something happened that jump-started my mind. Something...someone...hauled it out of the junkyard, hot-wired the engine, shifted it out of neutral into gear, floored the pedal...and flew. Now when I am sad, I feel pain. When I laugh, the sun shines, when I cry, it rains and when I am angered, the walls melt.
I don't know how long this will last...how long before my ratiocinating conscious axes the connection to these incongruous sentiments. How long before these emotions--exposed, naked and weak, but above all, REAL--are captured by the police of composure and tossed swiftly back into their cells where the bars are made of logic and the padlocks of modesty. Censored sentiments. Incarcerated emotions.
At very least, their voices will still be heard through the bars, and I, with them, will be able to say, "I have lived".
Something tells me that is all I ever really need to say.