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Getting Through : Dealing

Mental Conflict

from alieninside - Thursday, June 21, 2007
accessed 766 times

Just here to see if there's anyone interested in listening. I was born into the family in 1983 probably after the majority of sexual abuse was happening. Either way I was never aware of any sexual abuse on my part. I wish I had been it would make this a lot easier on me. I feel sexual abuse is a lot easier to prove then mental abuse. It ether happened or it didn't, no one can tell you its all in your head, even if they do your less likely to believe them.

I left 5 years ago and I still feel so conflicted and unable to form an opinion on the group, and my part in it. I feel torn and while I have no issues sharing my stories of childhood trauma I also find myself defending them. Perhaps I am in denial because to deny them would be to deny everything I know from god to who I am as a person. Perhaps the term "raise a child in the way he should go and when he is grown he wont depart from it" is more true that you realized.

Being raised to be the complete opposite of what I naturally am and telling me evil is good and good is evil. I don't know what to think. Considered getting professional help, but the professionals just want to feed me the devil's lies... could it be possible the leader was some kind of genius if even an evil genius? This is a mind game I'm not sure I can win, or maybe I'm just reading into this way more than I should. But its interfering with my life and I just want to move on already. Please tell me I'm not the only one with this situation?

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from Phoenixkidd
Monday, July 02, 2007 - 14:31


Alien, I totally share your pain.

Please forgive the people here who degrade your honest question.

Let me do some math: You were born in 83 you left 5 years ago. Now at age 24 or 23 you don't know what to think.

Well I dare say don't worry about it. First off in the cult we placed way too much emphasis on right and wrong and personal convictions. When you are in normal society one realizes through constant barragement of conflicting ideas that everything's not black and white...When you understand this it takes a big burden off yourself.

Another thing is, as important as us in society think our opinons matter and should make a difference, by looking at sheer statistics it really doesn't matter what one person thinks. You can vote one way or the other but ultimately the policies are left to the masses and democratic masses.

So first and foremost don't worry about it. Just take things and concepts one at a time.

You have your whole life to develop your own attitudes and find your own inner strengths---Not some cult's attitudes and strengths.

(reply to this comment)

from inlovewithastripper
Sunday, July 01, 2007 - 14:17

How do you know god? Do you? Am I being an absolute idiot?
(reply to this comment)
From vix
Sunday, July 01, 2007, 14:31


I definitely think you were being an idiot when you registered that ridiculous username.

(reply to this comment

From rainy
Monday, July 02, 2007, 00:51

Almost as bad as Karma Chameleon.(reply to this comment
From placebo
Monday, July 02, 2007, 15:57

bad rainy! smack smack!(reply to this comment
From rainy
Tuesday, July 03, 2007, 00:33

Oooh, Placebo! Hit me, Baby, one more time(reply to this comment
From vix
Monday, July 02, 2007, 01:06


Ohhh I don't think the two are in any way comparable. You, of course, are free to hold an opposing view.

(reply to this comment

From inlovewithastripper
Sunday, July 01, 2007, 15:23

Well I am, so what can I say? She's a good girl, and I'm not at all ashamed to be in love with her. I'm not dating her, I'm just in love. No crime in that. A job's a job. At least she has one. A profession is a profession. At least she takes pride in hers. ;)(reply to this comment
from cheeks
Friday, June 22, 2007 - 12:05


I think this is where you have to seperate the good from the bad. There were, are and will be good people in the Family. People who mean well and in their own way are doing good. There are also really bad people in the Family whom the leaders of the Family have protected for a very long time. Zerby and Kelly have in many instances supported and overseen many of the large homes and communities where these abuses took place. MWM the Jumbo, HCS, the Monterey tn Combo to name a few. The leaders of these homes reported to Zery and Kelly every few days and not less than once a week, so they cannot say they didn't know. This makes the core of the Family bad, the doctrines are something else entirely, there is the possibility that Berg believed everything he preached but the reality is leaning more towards the fact that he was trying to keep everyone under his control and used the Bible and his prophecies and fear to do that. Zerby was very often the power behind Berg the older and more feeble he got the stronger she got and the more she took over.

While she has renounced some of his doctrines to the public she still supports all of them. She has not taken ownership of the abuse that she supported and allowed to happen. She is not sorry it happened she is sorry they got caught.
(reply to this comment)

from rainy
Friday, June 22, 2007 - 02:11

It took me about five years to get to the point where you are now as well. When I found this site in 2005, I sounded just like you. Check it out:

I was deeply conflicted and feeling guilty for allowing all the doubts to come rushing in.

Just here to tell you, it passes! It passes like a kidney stone, all that conflict, turmoil, intelligence vs. pre-programmed responses. It's much like we were hypnotised against logic, and whenever we try to use it, we have this Pavlovian guilt response.

For a bit of fun, look where my head went next:
researching encyclopedias madly to try and make sense of what had been done to my mind.

Then this question:

And as the spell breaks, coming to terms with the fact that I'd always had access to the truth, but had never given myself permission to acknowledge it:

That makes me feel stupid, especially when I see how some people always had that clarity.

But we are who we are, the events that shaped our world. We can't take responsibility for what we were born into and taught, only for who we are now.

(In case you're interested, I will end this shameless "Rainy" documentary with a look at where my head is now:) Actually, not the article itself. I didn't even write it. Just the following discussion. It's nice to know I can discuss things like that without TF influence colouring everything up.
(reply to this comment)
From rainy
Friday, June 22, 2007, 03:35

Oh, yeah. And this is what came out when I found peace with the fact that although I hadn't suffered the abuse others suffered, we are all siblings, and something very wrong happened to all of us: to this comment
from Samuel
Thursday, June 21, 2007 - 18:37

Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5(Agree/Disagree?)

Okay, I know I'm going to pick up some slack for getting into this, but I really don't care. I'll start by saying that No, you are not the only one in this situation.

My advice to you is: Don't be afraid to ask questions. There is nothing wrong with asking questions, asking questions is how we learn. When Thomas doubted, Jesus didn't say "That's it! You've asked too many questions, you're going to hell now!". He simply said "Blessed are they that have not seen, but yet do believe."

Some people are going to find this hard to believe, but for a little while after leaving the cult, I went through an agnostic stage and questioned the existence of God for a while. What I didn't realize is that agnosticism is normal, we as humans are always going to be uncertain about things. I did form an opinion of the group by seperating it into two parts: the common people, and the leadership.

The common people didn't know what was going on. They thought they were doing good, that they were making the world a better place. Okay, so they're guilty of being a bit naive, but we already knew that. I respect their goal of making the world a better place, and their devotion to that goal. What I don't agree with is how they chose to do that. Leadership on the other hand, is a different matter. They knew exactly what was going on, and did nothing to stop it. Maybe they couldn't have stopped it, but they supported it by not leaving The Family when they knew about the abuse. I have zero respect for them. They deserve to pay for their crimes. I believe they will. Put it this way, just because God does not interfere with free will, does not mean that he's not keeping score.

Here's the problem, man. Berg was good at what he did. He had studied psychology, Nazi philosophy, Communism, Socialism, mind control, ecc. But he then turned around and used all these tricks he had learned to manipulate his flock. Teaching that we are the elite (like Hitler did), suppressing questions and criticism (like the Soviets did), and making sure that members were too poor to be able to make it out there on their own (all while he was living in mansions, like the Communists did).

I think Moonbeam's advice, which she gave in a comment yesterday definitely applies here. " Adjusting to who you are is far better than trying to be 'normal'. "

Wednesday, June 20, 2007 - 15:10

Best of luck to you.

(reply to this comment)

from nix
Thursday, June 21, 2007 - 16:59


You have to let go of who you used to be. Don't be afraid to think "The Devil's" thoughts. Everything you were told was the devil was reason and rationality trying to grow in you. You can win the game by forgetting everything you ever knew and looking at the world through new eyes. If it doesn't make sense to you, let it go. If it sounds wrong to you, it probably is. If your thoughts get in the way, stop overthinking everything. Don't take yourself too seriously. Watch out for yourself above all others. Get to know yourself above all. I have no advice for you on the whole "God" thing. If you ask me, God is just another way for The Man to keep you down.

I hate The Man!

(reply to this comment)

From clark
Thursday, June 28, 2007, 15:47

I think it is possible you had it better than most of us in TF. I have younger siblings that were born like mid 80's and I don't think they had the same childhood I did. Now I am sure you were deprived of all the things children in Tf are, and the disciplinary abuse was still bad, but I think the sexual abuse was less main stream by your time. My youngest siblings complain about the "communal living," lack of $$$, Living with wierdo aunties and uncles and excessive devotions, but that's about the extent of it. And I am so happy it is. Thank God they don't have all the same memories I do. You may not have all that much to be "angry" about. Don't dwell on the past, be gratefull you have the world at your fingertips. Think about what you will do with your future now. Best of luck you. (reply to this comment
From nix
Thursday, June 28, 2007, 16:35


Umm, since we don't know eachother I am assuming you are talking to the person who authored this article and that you accidentally responded to my comment instead.

(reply to this comment

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