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Getting Through : Dealing

Mixed Feelings

from Spring - Tuesday, March 20, 2007
accessed 781 times

I recently had the unfortunate experience of losing a parent Ö my step-dad Don (Nicolas to some of you) passed away on March 6th. He was one month shy of his 80th birthday.

Maybe some of you will understand when I say that I have mixed feelings about this - Don and I certainly had our fair share of issues. He was one of those older guys who got FFed into the group and although I always knew he was mostly there for my mom he was a good guy who - I think - genuinely cared about my sister and I.

There's just the little issue of the fact that he took sexual advantage of me. How can I say in one breath that he was a good guy, and in the next that he molested me? I don't know. How do I reconcile it? I can't.

For a long time I tried to deny that it had happened, then at some point after I had a daughter of my own I called him on it and asked how he could have done that to me. I could sort of understand his reasoning and the fact that I don't really think it was his idea, but that doesn't justify what he did. I know he felt badly about it - he apologized so many times - but after that our relationship was never the same.

It's hard for me to reconcile being so upset over the loss of someone I wasn't that close to and who molested me. Is it guilt? I don't know. Should I have been more forgiving and not called him on it after we were "out"? Again, I don't know. Some might say I should be more "Christian", more forgiving, and others will tell me that I should have called the cops on him.

He's suffered a lot over the last few years and I guess maybe you could say that he's paid for his sins - it was hard to watch and glad that it's over for him, but since I don't have any beliefs one way or the other about the afterlife I can't even say that he's better off now.

Anyone else been through this?

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from madly
Wednesday, March 21, 2007 - 02:57

Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5(Agree/Disagree?)
Kind of weird maybeÖ but I have been thinking about this very thing: the idea or what I will feel when my parents pass away. This will probably not be a help to you, as both my parents are still alive (in their own way, as I wouldnít call it living or at least my idea of living), but I had some thoughts on what I think I may feel when they pass.

I donít really care to share sob stories, but I will say, just so you know where I am coming from, that I did not have a good relationship with my parents and although they did not sexually abuse me, they knowingly allowed it. My mother openly hated me and my dad was too busy getting everyone pregnant to notice me at all, unless he was giving out the beatings. I was sent away at the age of 12, never to live with them again, so I guess you could say that I donít even know them.

I have been asking myself what I might feel when they die and I keep coming back to the same answer: I will moarn the loss of the love I never received, the parents I was never given, the love and care due to me, stolen from me. The very idea of what it might have been like to have had loving parents and what positive affect it might have had on me and my character. Would I have been a better person?

I think there is a part of me, even now, that hopes that one day they will love me and be the parents that I longed for and although I am grown and I know this will never happen, subconsciously, I still yearn for the love that only a parent can give and when they die, the hope of ever having this, will die with them.

I know that because of them a part of me never developed, because of lack of trust, love, caring that a parent gives to a child. A child needs the support and love of a parent in order to feel secure in themselves. I was never given this and never knew the nature of the idea of a parent and have suffered for it. I know that deep inside I feel unlovable and donít feel as though I deserve love and I know this has a great deal to do with my parents, because if your own parents donít love you, then who will and why the hell should they, as there is obviously something dreadfully wrong with you.

When they go, the hope of them seeing that I am indeed worth their love will die and I will be left with only my thoughts to comfort me and to tell me that they were in the wrong and that I was worth loving. When their gone, I will cry for them never seeing me, never knowing me, for giving birth to a child that loved them with a love that was never returned. It will be a sad day for me, because the empty space they left me with will never be filled and all hope of doing so, will die with them.
(reply to this comment)
From Hansel
Wednesday, March 21, 2007, 11:46

(Agree/Disagree?)

This is perhaps one of the most best comments I have read on this blog.

It is amazing how important parental affirmation can be. People say that need eventually goes away but I don't know.

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from Ne Oublie
Wednesday, March 21, 2007 - 02:35

Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5(Agree/Disagree?)

I think it makes perfect sense if viewed from the perspective that individuals are neither 'good' or 'evil' - rather it is actions which are (and even then, within the context of the society in which they were conducted). Outside of the fantasy world of Hollywood and even much of literature, there are no caricatured 'heroes' and 'villains' whose driving motivation is either pure or evil. Rather humans are far more complex, and make decisions or take actions based on a myriad of factors, some of which will inevitably be considered 'good' while others 'evil'.
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from Matilde
Tuesday, March 20, 2007 - 16:46

(Agree/Disagree?)
Your capacity for forgiveness astounds me. Perhaps you don't feel that you have forgiven what he did but I think you have forgiven him as a person. It's very admirable though I'm not sure if I could do the same. We waste so much time and energy in anger and bitterness that I wonder if forgiveness, though neither required or deserved, is the better way. I hope it is enough to forgive the person, enough though we do not forgive the act itself.
(reply to this comment)

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