Moving On | Choose your lifeMoving On | Choose your life
Safe Passage Foundation - Support to youth raised in high demand organizations


Saturday, January 31, 2009    

Home | New Content | Statistics | Games | FAQs

Getting Through : Dealing

Sir Rantalot's Xmas Rant - The Dark Night of the Soul

from pharmaboy - Wednesday, December 24, 2003
accessed 1392 times

The Dark Night of the Soul

It comes without warning, it strikes mercilessly. The terror, the restlessness, the anxiety. The longing for what could have been, the sorrow of a twisted existence. Why? Who to blame, where to find solace, peace, satisfaction? The imbalance, the eternal duality. The sharp mind gives no ceasefire, the rational mind, trying to make sense of the feelings, only confuses more. There is nothing to do but grit your teeth and tell yourself it will pass, it always does.

You want to express yourself, shout, dance, run, live a full existence, a full life, not watch others do so. Itís a sociological problem too, in some parts of the world making friends is just a matter of going out and starting a conversation, in other places, like continental Europe, doing that will get you suspicious stares & cold replies. You long for life, you love people, everyone, but at the same time feel alien, unusual, a misfit. At times you feel superior to others, knowing that you have survived things they could never imagine, at other times you feel hopelessly estranged and lacking something everyone else has. Some sort of social training that was imprinted in their early teens, some kind of mating etiquette, learned in at about the time others were in junior high. About the same time you weíre in an isolated commune, reading MO letters and studying Beka, being taught that the outside world was not worth your time.

Fun is now an obsession, because until 16, you did not have an idea what fun was. How come in movies they always change scene when the characters have settled into a friendly, ordinary conversation? That ordinary, but essential chit-chat always taken for granted by others is exactly what you find so much difficulty with only to discover itís the great secret to friendship and romance. You go apeshit when someone calls you shy, an introvert, when really you just donít know how to behave. As for being an introvert, when in a commune, the only kid your age, going into yourself is the only way to maintain sanity, it was the only way you knew. Itís not your true personality, youíd want to go into a pub and greet everyone present, then stand on the counter and crack jokes. Instead, you find social interaction hard, like a strenuous exercise, unnatural, hard to keep up for more than an hour, so people just get used to you sitting silently there, listening, a pleasant smile on your face to hide the unseen tears and frustration.

And there it comes again, the horror, at work itís a struggle to keep a straight face, while the pain grips you. Youíre strong, youíve been in worse situations, youíll pull through, and the pain will be replaced by an insipid, blank, emotion. You know the only way to survive is to be tough with yourself, you donít deserve pity, you curse yourself for this weakness, you know the path of self-pity and self-loathing will only make things worse in the long run, so be tough. You donít deserve love and understanding, thatís for the normal people. Inside you yell at yourself, like a Sergeant at a recruit. You donít deserve to feel wronged or cheated, other have it much worse, you unthankful, whining wuss, get a grip now! You hope that primordial survival instinct will kick in, and make all the rest of no concern, itís that survival instinct that has kept you till now, hopefully it will hold you againÖ

You know the only person who understands you is yourself, the only person you can always count on is yourself. You keep it all in, rightly so, no one would ever want to glimpse at the Horror, it would make them sick too. Iím ok, Iím ok, itís all in my head, like bad paranoia. Most donít even know how true paranoia feels like, they throw that word around lightly. The unreality of it all oppresses youÖ

Then all of a sudden it passes, you made it yet again. You feel strong, you always make it. You take refuge in the simple things of life, your evening meal, a glass of wine, a cigarette. Nothing has been solved, but at least itís bearable now. You feel a tinge of pride and slight superiority now, you survived, yet again, alone. You value this blank state of mind more than others, if they had to fight this hard for it, they would too. You understand that others take refuge in their illusions of certainty: politics, religion, materialism, you have unknowingly declared war on illusions long ago, when your illusion given to you at birth was swept away from you without warning. This is the price you pay for seeing too much and too deep, you wonder if itís the right way, but once you know you can never go back. Itís time to go to bed and get ready for another day.

Another day, doing your best to fight pessimism and victim feelings. You have an enormous will power, you just havenít found anything to sink you teeth into, one day youíll find it eventually.

One day it will all be ok, one day, itíll pass, itís all in your head anywaysÖ.

Reader's comments on this article

Add a new comment on this article

from somebodyelse
Thursday, October 13, 2005 - 22:18

(Agree/Disagree?)
I just read ur article, and it's fits me to a shoe. I get home sometimes and take my first breath of the day. I try so hard. People want me to smile. They ask why I'm sad. I'm not sad. I'm fine. I want to cry. I want to give up. I want to sleep and sleep and never wake up. I want to live in a land of dreams where reality takes a back seat and the pain disappears. But I know it will pass, I will wake tomorrow, and face the day, one more day one more hour.
(reply to this comment)
From Sir Rantalot
Friday, October 14, 2005, 00:24

(Agree/Disagree?)
The continuation:
http://www.movingon.org/article.asp?sID=8&Cat=19&ID=3195(reply to this comment
from screwed_up_babe
Thursday, September 09, 2004 - 12:23

(Agree/Disagree?)
Wow pharmaboy! Just reread this and it is amazing. Such a beautiful expression of the spectrum of human emotion. Every word could have been written by me, if only I had the talent for self-expression that you have. It is haunting to read my own experiences so clearly verbalised by someone else.

I remember reading this when you first posted it, and finding it such an interesting piece of work. It was even more powerful due to the contrast it made to the extreme happiness and peace I seem to feel during the Christmas season. I thought it fit perfectly with the wonderfully brooding song that made the top of the Charts here in that same week, originally by Tears for Fears but covered by Gary Jules:


All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places
Worn out faces
Bright and early for the daily races
Going no where
Going no where
Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression
No expression
Hide my head I wanna drown my sorrow
No tomorrow
No tomorrow

And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which Iím dying are the best Iíve ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles its a very very
Mad world
Mad world

Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy birthday
Happy birthday
And I feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen
Sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me
No one knew me
Hello teacher tell me whatís my lesson
Look right through me
Look right through me

And I find I kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which Iím dying are the best Iíve ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles its a very very
Mad world
Mad world
Enlarging your world
Mad world


The desperate self-loathing I feel during a depressive episode is matched only by my extreme and utter anger at being so weak, so needy. I try hard to cope on my own but I usually end up having to talk to someone, which helps a little. But of course no one likes to listen to someone whine on and on, and I often get the feeling that people think I am just baiting for reassurances or looking for pity, so I never reveal the true extent of my misery. And afterwards, when everythingís over, I curse myself for showing my vulnerability yet again. I tell myself that next time I will fight harder to remain in control, I will kick myself in the teeth and tell myself to fucking get over it. Somehow, though, I end up feeling just as overcome the next time round.

The euphoria I feel after the worst is over is incredible. Suddenly the world is a glorious place. The simplest things become inordinately satisfying and I am overwhelmed by the beauty and sweetness that surrounds me. The world is an enchanted kingdom of endless possibilities. Nothing is too difficult for me and I feel as if every fibre of my being has been invigorated and injected with a renewed zest for life. I love myself! I love my mind, I love my body, I love my life. I cry tears of gratefulness for the life I am fortunate to have, and my soul proclaims, 'Now I know the meaning of it all... This is it! I need nothing else. I can cease my endless search for self and rest in absolute calm. I have found the secret of true, unadulterated happiness!'

But even then it's still there, lurking in the background. I know full well that I will repeat the cycle soon enough. Once again I will find myself locked into a nightmare of deep, excruciating anguish. Once again the world will morph into a hideous, monstrous beast whose talons scrape mercilessly at the essence of my being until my lifeblood gushes out, sucking the light out of my mind and replacing it with dark poisons.

I can smile though, because I know that the same curse that brings me to the depths has again become my greatest friend, allowing me the privelege of savouring the pure joys of life in a way that lifts my soul to a realm of genuine bliss.



(reply to this comment)
from Sonderval
Monday, January 19, 2004 - 05:48

Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5(Agree/Disagree?)

WOW that brings it all flooding back, kickass article mate, very well written, just reading it gives me that crawling feeling at the back of my brain that I used to get as my mind seethed while lying awake, that battery acid taste in my mouth that comes out of nowhere. The norms don't know the meaning of paranoia, never have and never will, I think the closest they ever get is acid trippers and war vets, those who've actually seen the underbelly of the world they live in and realise what smallsville usa is built on, probably why I've always loved those films, watch fear and loathing in las vegas and jacob's ladder, oh and apocalypse now (I usually recommend books, decided to go for films this time, doesn't pay to be predictable).

You've got good writing technique there mate, you should exploit that, hope you have literary ambitions as talent shouldn't be wasted, I'd also recommend you read all the contemporary fiction written by Iain Banks, (not the sci-fi stuff, good but different kettle of fish) he's helped inspired me to start a novel myself, which I'll do as soon as I overcome the inertia beast.

Incidentally, I agree with and have experienced everything you've written there, given time it fades more and more till the worst you get is an old twinge like phantom toothache, which you can just grimace and dismiss, and the only way to overcome that learned reflex of withdrawal is repeated painfully embarassing immersions in conversations, interactions and social situations you feel no empathy or connection with, over time this programmes in new social reflexes and the embarassment and surreality of social interaction is replaced by friends who appreciate your wit and humour.

Long term you will have no problems along these lines, in fact I suspect you're already well down the road of getting rid of the ones mentioned above, judging by your level of insight into the condition.

This article rules

Laters~


(reply to this comment)

From Sir Rantalot
Tuesday, January 20, 2004, 04:56

Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5(
Agree/Disagree?)

Glad you liked it!

Writing an article like this is like a banishing, once written I feel liberated and moved on. I know I must write, fighting the inertia beast is hard.

Cheers, m8!(reply to this comment

from cyborcosmic
Friday, December 26, 2003 - 01:43

(Agree/Disagree?)

but once you know you can never go back..........


"you gotta take it on the other side......." RHCP


Hey Rant a lot, i feel like I am being something I am not, I wonder if there is anyone who knows me. I am not always me. I am the only one who knows who I am and how I feel and what I went through.
(reply to this comment)

from Aaron
Thursday, December 25, 2003 - 14:44

(Agree/Disagree?)

hey ,dude. Nice post . It hits home. I read a lot of your articles and think you've got something to say. I read Survivor and Food of the Gods like you suggested. My roomate read Survivor too and said that it must be based me. ha. so that would mean all of us.. My teacher is friends with Chucky by the way so maybe I'll get to meet the dude.

I realy have had the same identity probs since leaving the cog . Feeling like an unidentified alien. Not knowing how to realy socialize leaving oneself in an isolated stasis. etc but after a while you just blend in to the culture.
(reply to this comment)

From Sir Rantalot
Saturday, December 27, 2003, 11:58

(
Agree/Disagree?)

Glad you liked it!

With this essay I was portraying the negative side of it all, but I also believe that hardships and turmoil enriches a person and is a great stimulus for the creative mind. I people I have met that fought hard to get were they are now had some inner light & positive personality to them. I can only look condescendingly at rich kids who never have known the meaning of hard work, perhaps the only "morality" I have is that of self-discipline and competence. Note it's SELF-discipline, no one telling you how you should live your life, it should be you and you alone. Other than that, I have a healthy inner disrepect for authority figures of any kind. "Slaves shall serve".

I think this is the difference between the Christian flavored "Slave morality" of Nietzsche vs the "Herren Morality" he hoped man would evolve into. The awake, grown-up individual doesn't need parental authority figures setting rules and limits to prevent him from interfering with others liberties. He has an inner self-control where he auto regulates him and has an inner ethical intuition which guides him. He doesn't need the commandment "thou shalt not kill" because he knows that already, it's an understatment, a petty formality, he has transcended the need for restriction because he understands himself and he knows how to handle total freedom. Governments usually don't have religious preferences, but the Christian "slave morality" goes along well with the widespread policy of: "you don't know how to take care of yourself, you need us to make laws telling you to life a sane, wholesome life & you need us to protect you from your fellow citizen".

The true adult, recognizes his kindship with all humanity, he has destroyed his bloated, individualistic personal ego and does not see himself as one, but part of a whole, damaging another would hurt him just as much. He is proud, he loves himself, therefore is not given to negative sentiments of envy towards others, but being proud does not mean selfish, he has empathy towards others and can't help but love them as much as he loves himself. I have found this in various people I have met in the past years, and I believe reaching such a state is not something that can be taught, or even clearly explained, it's solely up to the individual to discover this within himself and to develop his own definition of Ubermensch & his own sense of ethics and empathy for others, it's not something that can be taught or a religious morality that can be imposed. Laws are awkward, think in 100 years, with the advancements of new technologies, how the ten commandments will not only be useless, but irrelevant. What is do be done then, write a whole new set of laws, ie thou shalt not ingage in cybernetic adultery, or thou shalt not clone thy neighbour against his will?

It's a matter of finding the right balance between obsessive introspection, like the above rant, and impulsive behaviour, one who does not understand himself and is a slave to his emotions, whoe does things without thinking and does not understand or question why. The balance between self-doubt, insecurity, inferiority complexes and ultimately self-loathing vs egotism, lack of empathy and a bloated, unbalanced ego. Between being being self-conscious and obsessed with others opinion of you vs insensitivity and unrestrained macho-ism.

Whoa, I've gone on a tangent again! Much more could be said about this topic, but I'll leave it at that for now or I'll start feeling like a self-delcared preacher :)

Have a great new year!!

Humbly,

SR(reply to this comment

From rudow
Sunday, February 29, 2004, 02:15

(Agree/Disagree?)

I envy your command of vocabulary and the way you express thought.

I identified with every word you wrote in your essay, and felt as though someone understood me. Its good to know that Im not crazy, only uninitiated in the ways of interaction with normal people. You were right about the feeling of elation at the end of the day, the feeling of heroism when youre sitting down with only your book/drink and your thoughts, feeling brave and strong, knowing that you survived another day without showing your hopelessness or crushing despair. Perhaps my useless, thankless existence is punishment for not being born into a normal middle class family. All I know is that I feel like the bravest, strongest man alive every night when I resist the pull of the shotgun sitting in my closet, daring me to find peace and sanity.(reply to this comment

From rudow
Sunday, February 29, 2004, 02:14

Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5(Agree/Disagree?)

I envy your command of vocabulary and the way you express thought.

I identified with every word you wrote in your essay, and felt as though someone understood me. Its good to know that Im not crazy, only uninitiated in the ways of interaction with normal people. You were right about the feeling of elation at the end of the day, the feeling of heroism when youre sitting down with only your book/drink and your thoughts, feeling brave and strong, knowing that you survived another day without showing your hopelessness or crushing despair. Perhaps my useless, thankless existence is punishment for not being born into a normal middle class family. All I know is that I feel like the bravest, strongest man alive every night when I resist the pull of the shotgun sitting in my closet, daring me to find peace.(reply to this comment

My Stuff


log in here
to post or update your articles

Community

2 user/s currently online

Web Site User Directory
5047 registered users

log out of chatroom

Happy Birthday to demerit   Benz   tammysoprano  

Weekly Poll

What should the weekly poll be changed to?

 The every so often poll.

 The semi-anual poll.

 Whenever the editor gets to it poll.

 The poll you never heard about because you have never looked at previous polls which really means the polls that never got posted.

 The out dated poll.

 The who really gives a crap poll.

View Poll Results

Poll Submitted by cheeks,
September 16, 2008

See Previous Polls

Online Stores


I think, therefore I left


Check out the Official
Moving On Merchandise
. Send in your product ideas


Free Poster: 100 Reasons Why It's Great to be a Systemite

copyright © 2001 - 2009 MovingOn.org

[terms of use] [privacy policy] [disclaimer] [The Family / Children of God] [contact: admin@movingon.org] [free speech on the Internet blue ribbon] [About the Trailer Park] [Who Links Here]