from Hanna_Black - Friday, November 15, 2002
accessed 1218 times
Hope this wasn't already posted...
If "Dear Abby" was a male...
Question: My fiancée still has feelings for his old girlfriends. I'm afraid he will not be faithful.
Answer: A man's capacity to love is boundless. It has been proven to increase with the number of sexual partners. Thus, by having a few other women, your partner is really increasing his love for you. Best thing to do is to buy him a Ranger Bass Boat, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.
Question: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.
Answer: This is perfectly natural behavior and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. Far from being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful affair, and to get back to you is a relief for your partner. Just look back at how emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable home. Best thing to do is to buy him a new hunting rifle, and cook him a nice meal.
Question: My husband wants to experience three-in-a-bed-sex with me and my sister.
Answer: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you, so he goes for the next best thing--your sister. Far from being an issue, this will bring all of the family closer together. Why not get some cousins involved, too. If you are still apprehensive, then let him go it alone with your relatives, buy him a Rolex watch and cook him a nice meal.
Question: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex with him.
Answer: Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting, but it has only ten calories per spoonful. It is nutritious and helps you to keep your figure and gives a great glow to the skin. Interestingly, a man knows this. His offer to you to perform oral sex on him is totally selfless. Oral sex is extremely painful for a man. This shows he loves you. Best thing to do is to thank him, buy him a pair of hand-made Rattlesnake Cowboy boots, and cook him a nice meal.
Question: My husband goes straight to sleep after making love--we have no time to talk.
Answer: Sex is an extremely difficult task for a man. Afterwards he needs rest. In fact, the more he loves you, the more hard work his love-making is, and the more rest he needs. Stop putting pressure on him. Buy him a 4-carat Diamond Tie-tack, and cook him a nice meal.
Question: My husband's efforts at lovemaking only last 30 seconds.
Answer: Your husband loves you very much. He is so turned on by you that he cannot control himself. In fact, the shorter the effort, the more he loves you. Return this love by buying a full set of Sears Power Tools, and cooking him a nice meal.
Question: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.
Answer: Foreplay to a man is very hurtful. What it means is that you do not love your man as much as you should, that he has to work a lot to get you in the mood. Abandon all wishes in this area, and make it up to him by buying the biggest Chain Saw on the market, and cooking a nice meal.
Question: My husband has never given me an orgasm.
Answer: The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by militant, man-hating feminists and is a danger to the family unit. Don't mention it again to him and show your love to him by buying a Harley Davidson Sportster...oh, and please, don't forget to cook him a delicious meal.