from Free_Dom_Fighter - Saturday, August 10, 2002
accessed 1298 times
After thinking about several deep issues on my mind for nearly a whole few minutes, I’ve decided to try, to the very best of my ability, to put my thoughts into unintelligible, totally irrelevant, warped writing. --Therefore, and without any further delay, I now present...
(Urgent Warning From The Surgeon General: Do not read any further if you have a history of insanity in your family, or if you don’t want to start it now!)
...MY RANTS & DEEP THOUGHTS ON MANKIND’S PLACE IN THE UNIVERSE, SELF-INFLICTED MUTILATION, & KINKY, TEENAGE PISSING ORGIES --ALL IN ONE FOR A TIME-LIMITED, SPECIAL PRICE!!
--We the people ... WE, the human race as it’s known today, are UNITED as a clan of hopelessly weird & chillingly creepy, dumb individuals!
Now, this isn’t true for EVERYONE--you may not be--but as for me & many others like me (you know, the creepy dumb ones), you could try to deny that statement up-&-down, through-&-through, or even down-&-under if you really wanted to, yet it’d STILL remain a plain fact! --It’s actually also a very INTERESTING fact--after all, we watch movies showing ALIENS as brainless, hideous monsters, when compared to some of US HUMANS, they’re really more like ultra-mega-jumbo-scholar, drop-dead-SEXY monsters.
...No, I’m not just expecting you to take my word for it, there are many examples of human insanity, some of which I’ll try to enlighten you with here so that you can then in turn spread the good news to everyone you know that we, as a species, are about on par culturally with digested toe-jam! ...SO LET’S BEGIN!
THING NUMBER 1 -- FASHION:
Let me make this very clear: “I think fashion trends are stupid!” I’ve always liked to think that if you buy something cool, it stays that way forever--the Great Fashion Gods tell me I’m misinformed. The Great Fashion Gods, after all, have a great sense of humor--they’re constantly playing pranks on people by getting them to think that things I thought were extreeeemely dorky just a little while ago (like lush, overgrown sideburn foliage, for example) are now somehow magically cool again! For the record, if the Great Fashion Gods ever tell ME to wear POLKA DOTS, I shall never never give in! --They can take my life, but they’ll never take my dignity!!
Ya know, I once read a quote that I’ll tell you here in hopes that you’ll think I’m really deep & intellectual--basically just all-around-sexy! So it went something like: “Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to change it every 6 months!” --I’LL SAY! (Now, if you don’t agree with me, that’s probably because I’m about as hip as a hippopotamus--but it’s still a really deep quote.)
THING NUMBER 2 -- SELF-INFLICTED MUTILATION:
Once upon a sane time, the civilized world pierced only their earlobes, and left the more painful body parts to the savages & the fashion-conscious cattle. Nowadays however, some people who don’t even exhibit any cannibalistic tendencies at all are nevertheless constantly searching for ever more painful body parts to intentionally inflict puncture wounds on!! --It’s just a matter of time, says I, before we all start seeing advertisements like: “Bob’s Cheap Tattoos & Body Organ Perforations--FREE KIDNEY PIERCE WITH EVERY PURCHASE!!” ...Or... “...And here now comes Naomi Campbell up the catwalk sporting a chic, elegant pierced spleen for the new millennium!!”
THING NUMBER 3 -- PEOPLE WHO NEVER LEARNT ANYTHING FROM BEING A KID:
Since I’m still a fairly young scumbag, I notice this all the time. To illustrate my point, consider the following: It’s probably safe to assume that, at sometime or other, every single child in this big, wide world has hated when they heard someone say, “...just because I SAID so,” (even if they had to hear it with subtitles, since they were a Conehead Indian kid named Majestic Flying Dung-Beetle) yet somehow, once they’re grown up, some adults STILL say this VERY LINE TODAY!! ...It’s a sick world we live in. :-)
Therefore, I here & now stand before you to say, in the famous, soul-searching words of the great, fabulous philosopher threesome (commonly known by their band name ‘Blink 182’) who wisely said in one of their songs (which was probably written while in the middle of a truth seeking glue-sniffing session): “...I never wanna act my age! --What’s my age again!!???”
THING NUMBER 4 -- SPAM:
“Spam,” to me, sounds something more like the name of some uncivilized alien race that still eats with their fingers, more than a cute term for junk mail, but anyway. Actually, it probably all does originate from some sinister alien planet freaks somewhere, in some other galaxy or something, since just about every single living organism on EARTH utterly loathes it!!
--It’s an all too familiar experience: You go to check your email, & of the several dozen new messages you recognize the sender on about 5. You look around suspiciously, eyeing your .44 magnum in case of an emergency, when SUDDENLY (!) you realize that the rest of the messages are all ... (read with thunderous echo) S~P~A~M~!!
Some try to cleverly disguise who they are: (“From: ‘A Really Good Friend Of Yours’ Subject: ‘Definitely not junk mail this time--A must read! A classic really!’”) ...While some are just a tad more blatant: (“From: ‘Slimy Samantha’s Orifice’ Subject: ‘LIVE KINKY TEENAGE PISSING ORGIES!! GET PISSED OFF NOW!!’”)
THING NUMBER 5 -- THE TWISTED, WHINY, LONG-WINDED TYPE (AKA: definitely me!):
...Okay okay, yes I’ll shut up now!
(PS: I actually DO think that most body-pierces are pretty cool!) :-)
ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Other than being an explosives specialist, secret agent, UH-60 Black Hawk pilot, & Official Protector Of the Japanese Rainforest, Steve (aka: Free_Dom_Fighter) enjoys writing imaginative ‘about-the-author’ clauses in the third person sense.
Steve is also known by his adoring fans the world over for his prowess at breathing air, stare-downs, & incoherent speech. When not flying around the globe signing autographs, Steve can be found assassinating dangerous enemies of the state, chanting with his tree-hugging brethren (who’ve got some serious body-odor problems), chillin’ with Jet Li & his posse, ... or daydreaming about all of the above.