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Getting Through : Lighten Up

Peter Amsterdam's 2007 Year End Report

from Falcon - Saturday, December 01, 2007
accessed 762 times

Dear Family,

Mama and I continue to keep you in our distant perfunctory prayers. The ending of the year is a good time to count our blessings and this has truly been a year of countless victories. The enemy is being routed and The Family continues to go from strength to strength. Hallelujah! Our sexy lover has lifted his sarong and inundated us with His golden seeds in greater measure than ever before. Mama and I have even had to ask him to slow down the outpour as we’ve been sucking so fast and urgent that we’ve gotten a bad case of the hiccups.

Well, this has been a monumental year in bringing The Family one step closer towards taking over as leaders of the Christian world. Our activities of the past have been validated in not one, but two books that have been published about TFI. One was written by our very own second generation bitter and twisted Vandari children who have left the fold and their higher callings to eat the husks of the System. Another came from a journalist who we could not pay off as we have with academics in the past who have written books on The Family. We have not found it necessary to make any kind of intelligent reply to the accusations backed by hard documented evidence within these books, because any idiot can see they’re blatant exaggerations and lies. Besides, we don’t have time to respond to every little allegation because that’s what the Devil would want to distract us from our mission of saving souls. We would advise all of you against reading either of these books, as it will only weaken your spiritual armour and cause you to doubt.

Now even though this may appear to be a defeat, Grandpa flew by (drunk on heavenly wine now that his spiritual oesophagus can’t be burned), to offer his own intoxicated spin on these events.
Grandpa speaking: “All publicity is good publicity, praise the Lord? One of these books have even become popular enough to reach the bestseller lists, so the message is getting out to an even greater audience than we had anticipated. Hallelujah! Kiss the spittle of David! Through these books, those sheep out there who aren’t completely disgusted and enraged will be drawn to the sexy spirit of David and more disciples will be reaped. The right kind of disciples who want the freedoms of the spirit—sex with Jesus and us! More sex in Heaven! Praise the Lord? God gets his greatest victories out of seeming defeat and causes the wrath of man to praise Him. So lets all lift our lightning rods and praise Jesus! Hallelujah!”

Thank you, dear Grandpa, for always putting things into perspective and helping us see things through the eyes of the spirit. Isn’t Jesus wonderful? Another exciting event was the airing of a documentary, also produced by one of our bitter and twisted apostate SGAs and broadcast on HBO. This documentary shows beautiful footage of our wonderful boot camps and the happy faces of marching zombie-like children, a powerful testimony to The Family children’s loving upbringing. It clearly shows how difficult it is to survive in the outside world, and how much better it is in our loving folds. We were even able to infiltrate the premier showing of this film at the Sundance festival. Even though our precious young spy was caught trying to tape it illegally, she stood up for her faith and shouted the truth so all could hear, as Grandpa taught in ‘Students Stand Up’ and ‘The Challenge of Joseph Louis’. What a testimony!

Close to 50 articles have been written, and a number of TV shows broadcast segments on TFI this year. The books, documentary and media have generated a wave of continuous exposure, which has really put The Family on the map as the Lord promised we would be. PTL! The Lord knows what He’s doing and this endless publicity comes in good timing, as our ranks are thinning by the day. We all know that many are called but few are chosen. We’ll soon be down to our perfect Gideon’s band of 300. I highly recommend the movie ‘300’ to all of you who have not yet had a chance to see it, as a good example of a powerful army of elite Spartans, like us, who refused to give up and fought to their bitter deaths. Don’t worry dear Family, because if that’s what it takes, Maria and I are prepared to sacrifice you all so that we can be saved. We have the Keys turned to swords, a weapon far more powerful than any two-edged Spartan short blades and we give you our word as your spiritual leaders that no matter what happens, we will run and hide to the end. God bless all of you who have tithed towards our offshore Swiss bank ‘flee fund’ account. Great are your rewards in heaven…for as long as you continue to tithe.

Another great victory was won in the custody battle of Angie for her son! According to our advice, she filed for full custody and because of this, the home underwent close scrutiny by social services who wrote a scathing report calling us “pathological liars”. Isn’t that inspiring? Even systemites are beginning to understand the importance of being deceivers, yet true. Hallelujah! Although at first it seemed like one of our little ones would be snatched away by his backslider father and Angie was not allowed to see her son at all during the case, the Lord turned the tide in our favour and warmed the judge’s heart. The father has been given full custody and legal rights over the child, and the mother can now see him once a week and an extra couple days if she complies with the stipulation of moving out of the home and getting a systemite job. This is actually a fulfilment of Grandpa’s own revelation about how in the Endtime we would have to go underground and take systemite jobs in order to survive. We realise that it may have appeared to some that she was left to face the judge’s final ruling alone, but we are not hirelings that abandon our sheep in time of need. Grandpa assured us in prophecy that he was there with Abner standing in the gap, upholding her together with all the Family members who have passed on and are now spirit helpers, freeing up the rest of us to beat a hasty retreat to Mexico! As we all know, he who fights and runs away lives to fight another day! We may lose few battles, but we’re winning the war!

Please also continue to keep Nathaniel in your prayers, dear Family, who on our advice is at this moment fighting for the custody of his kids as well. Pray that the positive outcome of Angie’s case will help to produce a similar verdict for Nathaniel. Claim the Keys of Blindness so the judge will not see the truth and the Keys of Looks of Love, so the social workers will be taken in by our happy smiling faces.

Now I’m sure you’re all waiting with bated breaths to hear what the Lord has to say about our imminent Offensive for 2008! We have been desperately bribing Jesus to reveal His plan using extra kinky love words that are sure to light His majestic fire and we just about have it! The plan for the 2008 offensive is…
Well, we haven't decided...I mean, Jesus hasn't told us just yet, but we can promise you our lover said it’s going to be awesome!

Reader's comments on this article

Add a new comment on this article

from estee
Sunday, January 27, 2008 - 07:54

very funny!! haha. the husks? isn't jesus wonderful? how do u remember all this? nice one. cheers =)
(reply to this comment)
from Vixin
Friday, December 07, 2007 - 06:12


Earth to the Family aliens! Are they not in their own world, or what? Unbelievable.
(reply to this comment)

from Hahaha
Friday, December 07, 2007 - 00:41

I haven't laughed this hard in a good while. Truly hilarious! You should use your writing gift more often. Maybe you could make a living with it?

Please write more when you find a good cause. You made my day!
(reply to this comment)
from clark
Monday, December 03, 2007 - 11:59

it's like deja ***vu
(reply to this comment)
from I_hope_they_send_you_a
Sunday, December 02, 2007 - 15:44

Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5(Agree/Disagree?)

thank you note. Knowing their history they might as well just plagiarize this. ”PTL...even if he had to use the Devil to bring it” LOL!

(reply to this comment)

from moon beam
Sunday, December 02, 2007 - 14:29

LOL just took time off from chewing the husk, thought this was brilliant.

(reply to this comment)
from exfamily
Sunday, December 02, 2007 - 13:36


(reply to this comment)
from figaro
Saturday, December 01, 2007 - 20:50

Nice! Keep'em comin! =D
(reply to this comment)

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