from ange - Friday, March 23, 2007
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I- Thou Shalt Nap
And God gave unto Student a great gift, the gift of napping. God said to him, you shall spend half your day napping. You shall nap in class, in your room and in your friend's room. And God said, if you don't nap, you will not be able to stay up all night drinking. And Student said, nap I shall, and it was good.
II- Thou Shalt Get Sick All the Time
Now God said to Student, you must be sick all of the time. And Student asked why. And God said unto him, you shall share drinks, stay up too late, drink too much and get off with people you don't know. Therefore, God said, you shall be sick all year round. But God said, blessed are the sick for they have partied the hardest. And it was good.
III- Thou Shalt Not Attend Lectures
And Student asked, will this sickness affect my studies? And God said unto him, yes, but thou shalt skip classes for lesser reasons. You will skip classes because it is raining and you cannot find your umbrella. You will skip classes because you are too lazy to walk across campus. You shall sleep through your morning lectures and nap through the afternoons. Blessed are those that succeed, and those who do not shall resit the year or switch to Sociology. And Student understood Godís wisdom, and it was good.
IV- Thou Shalt Wear a Hoodie
And then Student asked how he should make himself look like a university student. And God said unto student, you must wear a hoodie, for it is a useful garment. And you shall never wash it either. Student asked God, what kind of hoodie should it be? And God said, you shall own many of varying colours and creeds. And Student was pleased and God was pleased.
V- Thou Shalt Abuse the Library
And God gave unto Student another gift, in the form of the Library. And He said, fear not, Student, it will not be demanded of you that you use this gift to catch up on missed lectures. You may visit with this intention, but your time will be spent surfing the Internet. You shall speak with your numerous fellow Students, and smoke. And God said, if you do not honour this gift, and if you use the Library to further your studies, I shall smite you. And the Student saw that God was right, and it was good.
VI- Thou Shalt Respect the Cheeky One
And Student then asked of God, surely I must study sometimes, or I cannot be a true Student? And God in His wisdom replied, yes, it is true that Student must study. And Student did not like this, and began to weep, and God said unto him, Student, fear not the occasional class, for study you must. But to ease the pain, you shall honour the tradition of the Cheeky One, which will make the study more bearable, and help you to spend your student loan. God said, alcohol is another gift to you: it makes anything good better and anything bad more tolerable. And after your Cheeky One, you shall return to your home, and nap. And Student dried his eyes and thanked God for his generosity, and it was good.
VII- Thou Shalt Get Laid
Student then asked of sex. And God said, Student, you shall get laid and be happy. You shall go home with random people every weekend and forget about them the next day. You shall see them at class and be awkward amongst their company. You shall exchange saliva at bars and parties and it will be good. And Student became gleeful and God told Student to wrap it up because He knows where she has been, but Student does not.
VIII- Thou Shalt Join a Club and Never Go to Meetings
Student inquired of his spare time and God reminded him that he should be napping. But Student said he wanted to do other things. So God said unto him, you shall join a club at the beginning of the semester, but then never go to meetings. And Student asked why he should not go to meetings, and God told him, because they are gay. And Student understood His wisdom.
IX- Thou Shalt Wake Up Confused
God said to Student, there will come many a day when you shall wake up in the bed of another and not know where you are. You will not remember what you did last night and you shall be confused. You will see that you have nipple rings and a tattoo now and are covered in Marmite. You will find yourself surrounded by items that do not belong to you, and of which you do not know the provenance, such as road signs, bicycle tyres, and garden furniture. And Student was disturbed by this, but God said, you shall tell great stories about it to your friends one day, and it is not stealing if you were drunk when you did it. And Student understood and God took a sip of beer.
And God gave Student the final Commandment :
X- Thou Shalt Gain Weight
And Student wished to hear the final commandment and God said he would not like it. But Student insisted, so God said unto him, you shall gain weight. However, God said, you will not buy new clothes, so you will wear tracksuits a lot. God said, Student, you will watch a lot of TV and become fat, which caused Student to weep profusely. But God comforted Student saying, you will still get laid even if you cannot tie your shoes any more. Student felt better and God pointed to Student's chest saying, those will soon be bitch tits. And it was good.