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Getting Through : Lighten Up

Insults R us. The insult hall of fame.

from Oddman - Wednesday, March 14, 2007
accessed 1585 times

The only graceful way to accept an insult is to ignore it; if you can't ignore it, top it; if you can't top it, laugh at it; if you can't laugh at it, it's probably deserved.

Browsing through as frequently as I do, I can't help but notice the many colorful insults, taunts and jaunts among the friendly (and at times not so friendly) josh and banter.

Some poorly constructed insults make me wish I could spend a few hours in a pig sty, listening to grunting hogs. Others, border on art.

As Oscar Wilde put it “A gentleman is one who never hurts anyone's feelings unintentionally.”Key word, "unintentionally". While few of us are interested in a whiff of anothers personal histories and dirty laundry, most of us would have to admit a well placed insult tickles the funny bone like no compliment ever could.

Here are some creative insults. Some are my creations, some from emails going around, and some I'm sure I didn't come up with, but haven't a clue where I heard it. I've tried to give credit where credit is due. A lot of cut and pastes, so sorry if any double ups.
Let's all contribute and make the list longer?

1 - You genetic abberation, you.

Don't say I NEVER agree with you. I used to be pro-life, but you've changed my views.

I heard the Pro-Life Action League hired a hitman. I mean, you're the best case for pro-choice ever.

Durex called, they want you as posterboy for their next seasons ads.

1,000,000 sperm and you were the first...? I hate to imagine what mongoloids the rest would have produced.

Congratulations. You just disproved the theory of natural selection.

Where was the lifeguard when you got in the gene pool?

It's hard to think of you as the end result of millions of years of evolution.

2 - Where did I last see your brain... Oh, under the microscope in grade school.

Everyones got two brains, one of yours is obviously lost and I assume the other has gone out looking for it.

What a brilliant mind. I saw it at the thrift shop too, but I didn't have 5 cents on me.

You would be out of your depth in a parking lot puddle.

If I gave you a penny for your thoughts, I'd get change.

You are depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

You've got a room-temperature IQ.

If you took an IQ test, I bet the results would be negative.

You're as bright as Alaska in December.

If brains were taxed, you'd get a rebate.

God must love stupid people. He made so many of you.

Are you always an idiot, or just when I'm around?

I'm stumped. If ignorance is bliss, why aren't you happy?

I agree, you aren't completely stupid. You're missing a few screws for even that.

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

If idiots could fly, this would be an airport.

If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.

If what you don't know can't hurt you, you're practically invulnerable.

What, a thought crossed your mind? Must have been a long and lonely journey.

Not worth it. He's so dumb if we tried to make him squeal like a pig he'd Moo.

You're so quick, you'd win last prize in a snail marathon.

Nobody says that you are dumb. They just say you were sixteen years old before you learned how to wave goodbye.

If I ever need a brain transplant, I'd choose yours because I'd want a brain that had never been used.

Calling you an idiot would be an insult to all the stupid people.

I love having you around, no matter how dumb I act you always make me feel smarter

3 - You know, you've got an amazing personality. I would really like to go hunting with you sometime.

All that you are you owe to your parents. Why don't you send them a penny and square the account?

You should have a pimp for a brother so you'd have someone to look up to.

God made Satan for practice, and then He made you.

You should do some soul-searching. Maybe you'll find one.

You are the reason God created the middle finger.

You bring a lot of joy whenever you leave the room.

You don't have ulcers? Well, they say the carrier is immune.

If your nature didn't lead you to trample everyone in your path with vindictive glee, you might be tolerable.

I'd wish I could squash you like a bug, but then I'd have to touch you with my shoe.

Learn from the mistakes of others. At your rate, you won't live long enough to make them all yourself.

The only thing you'd be good for is a blueprint for building jerks.

You're no ordinary asshole, you're the epitome of asshole, an asshole with a goddamn cherry on top.

He has depth, but only on the surface. Down deep inside, he is shallow.

I always wanted to be a trouble-shooter but you'd be a waste of lead!

I can tell you are lying. Your lips are moving.

If you don't like my opinion of you - improve yourself!

A curse on you, and may the curse be that you remain what you are.

You are so dishonest that I can't even be sure that what you tell me are lies!

You're such a low life. You live so deep abyssal fish would put you on display.

Our last conversation, I knew you'd reached rock-bottom. I see you've started digging.

You are really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be.

You set low personal standards and then consistently fail to achieve them.

Don't you realize that there are enough people to hate in the world already without you working so hard to give us another?

At least you are not obnoxious like so many other people - you are obnoxious in a different and worse way!

You have a talent for making no mistakes but the very greatest.

You have an amazing talent for never doing the right thing.

I may be fat, but at least I can diet, I don't think there's a cure for whatever it is you've got.

Tell me where you'll be on Friday, so I know where not to go.

You lie about everything, just to stay in practice.

Yeah yeah, you just want to do the right thing. You always try to do the right thing - after you've tried everything else.

I can't trust you. I wouldn't put you in charge of shoveling the snow if I lived in Hawaii.

Q: How many jerks does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Just one. He holds the lightbulb still and lets the world revolve around him.

4 - With your looks, if you modelled for Picasso, he'd have painted the Mona Lisa.

You got a full 6-pack, but lack the plastic thingy that holds it all together.

What's your birthday? Now I know when the bastard up there last slept on the job.

If Moses had seen your face, there would have been another commandment.

If art truly imitates life, you'd be a matt grey painting.

Your body is a waste of molecules.

Look sister, that tube top isn't doing you any favors. It'd be one thing if your belly was worth showing, but it isn't.

5 - In debate. Sorry, I refuse to engage in a battle of wits. It goes against my principles to take advantage of the handicapped.

Do you only open your mouth to change feet?

Okay, take a breath and think. Now what would you say if you had another chance.

You're a stupid person's idea of a clever person.

You know why my mind is dirtier than yours? You change it more often.

Whatever I say to you goes in one ear and out the other because nothing is blocking traffic.

I agree, everyone is entitled to have an opinion - NOT everyone is entitled to have his opinion taken seriously.

You're the kind of person that needs to cheat when filling out an opinion poll.

It's OK to let your mind go blank, but please turn off the sound.

Oh boy, they say many wise words are spoken in jest. I say they don't compare with the number of stupid words spoken in earnest.

Let me guess. Your big mouth is nature's way of compensating for your tiny intelligence?

Dude, never express yourself more clearly than you are able to think.

He demands freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which he completely avoids excersizing.

There's nothing wrong with having nothing to say - unless you insist on saying it.

You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.

What's the matter? Stopped to think and forgot to start again?

Okay, your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.

"Can I ask you one question?"...
Yes, and you've asked it.

Diarrhea of the mouth; constipation of the ideas.

I don't mind that you are talking so long as you don't mind that I'm not listening.

No, I hear what you're saying. I just don't care.

Some future advice, never enter a battle of wits unarmed.

We'll get along fine as soon as you realize you're wrong.

Even if the majority agrees on your idiotic idea, it is still an idiotic idea.

I would love to beat you up, but I have a problem with cruelty to dumb animals.

Oh no please, keep talking. I always yawn when I'm interested.

If you honestly spoke your mind, you'd be speechless.

Excuse me, but you've obviously mistaken me for someone who gives a damn.

Here's where we we get out the thesaurus and look up synonyms for "garbage."

You make one winter day seem as long as all of summer.

What has a tiny brain, a big mouth, and an opinion nobody cares about? You!

You occasionally stumble on sensibility - but you just pick yourself up and keep going on.

You make it so easy to pick on you that I feel a little guilty doing so... But not enough to stop doing it

You know, I always thought you were stupid but your last comment just turned my view around - 360 degrees.

Don't get insulted, but is your life devoted to spreading ignorance?

Lost in thought? Bet it's uncharted territory for you.

Your "conclusion" sounds more like...... "the place where you got tired of thinking".

Where's your comeback? Run out of other people's ideas?

6 - No, I'm not interested in you anymore than I'm interested in the color of Rosie O'Donnell's underpants.

Jane, if we were the last three people alive, I'd be trying to make babies with Joe.

Yeah, I'm sure you're better at sex than anyone; now all you need is a partner. Shouldn't you go and start looking?

I'd like to give you a going-away present...but you have to do your part.

You're probably right. I'll probably never forget a night with you - but I'll probably want to.

Sorry, you're filling a much-needed gap.

How can I miss you if you won't go away.

Balls are useful for their purpose, but they are no substitute for brains.

Ok, the going's getting weird and you're turning pro.

Do I look like a weirdo magnet to you?

Yeah, I bet you could be charming at times - this is not one of those times.

Yeah, I heard that you were a Lady-killer. They take one look at you and die of shock.

Someone once said quotation was the only serviceable substitute for wit. (And that barely) If you can't make it, steal it. Hey, someone also once said steal from one and it's plagiarism. Steal from many, and it's research. So how did they say it?

His ignorance is encyclopedic.
- Abba Eban

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.
- Abraham Lincoln

She could carry off anything; and some people said that she did.
- Ada Leverson

Nature not content with denying him the ability to think, has endowed him with the ability to write.
- A. E. Housman

So boring you fall asleep halfway through her name.
- Alan Bennett

She was like a sinking ship firing on the rescuers.
- Alexander Woollcott

A brain of feathers, and a heart of lead.
- Alexander Pope

He was as great as a man can be without morality.
- Alexis de Tocqueville

He missed an invaluable opportunity to hold his tongue.
- Andrew Lang

He has the lucidity which is the by-product of a fundamentally sterile mind.
- Aneurin Bevan (about Neville Chamberlain)

He can't help it - he was born with a silver foot in his mouth.
- Ann Richards (about George Bush)

You have all the characteristics of a popular politician: a horrible voice, bad breeding, and a vulgar manner.
- Aristophanes

The gods too are fond of a joke.
- Aristotle

I worship the quicksand he walks in.
- Art Buchwald

He's liked, but he's not well liked.
- Arthur Miller

I want to reach your mind - where is it currently located?
- Ashleigh Brilliant

I will always love the false image I had of you.
- Ashleigh Brilliant

We've been through so much together, and most of it was your fault.
- Ashleigh Brilliant

Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.
- Ashleigh Brilliant

He had a big head and a face so ugly it became almost fascinating.
- Ayn Rand

--- ---

In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.
- Charles, Count Talleyrand

She is such a good friend that she would throw all her acquaintances into the water for the pleasure of fishing them out again.
- Charles, Count Talleyrand

He'd make a lovely corpse.
- Charles Dickens

He was one of those men who possess almost every gift, except the gift of the power to use them.
- Charles Kingsley

His voice was the most obnoxious squeak I ever was tormented with.
- Charles Lamb

I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.
- Clarence Darrow

She was a master at making nothing happen very slowly.
- Clifton Fadiman

If you can't live without me, why aren't you dead already?
- Cynthia Heimel

--- ---

He never said a foolish thing, nor never did a wise one.
- Earl of Rochester

Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?
- Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

He hasn't an enemy in the world - but all his friends hate him.
- Eddie Cantor

A great many people now reading and writing would be better employed keeping rabbits.
- Edith Sitwell

He was humane but not human.
- E. E. Cummings (about Ezra Pound)

He knows so little and knows it so fluently.
- Ellen Glasgow

He is so mean, he won't let his little baby have more than one measle at a time.
- Eugene Field

--- ---

End of season sale at the cerebral department.
- Gareth Blackstock

He knows nothing and thinks he knows everything. That points clearly to a political career.
- George Bernard Shaw

The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech.
- George Bernard Shaw

I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play, bring a friend... if you have one.
- George Bernard Shaw (to Winston Churchill)

He had a winning smile, but everything else was a loser.
- George C. Scott

Timid? As timid as a buzzsaw.
- George Ells (about Hedda Hopper)

He writes his plays for the ages between five and twelve.
- George Nathan (about George Bernard Shaw)

He's a full-fledged housewife from Kansas with all the prejudices.
- Gore Vidal (about Truman Capote)

I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.
- Groucho Marx

I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thought I'd rather dance with the cows until you come home.
- Groucho Marx

She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
- Groucho Marx

Why don't you bore a hole in yourself and let the sap run out?
- Groucho Marx

You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I bet he was glad to get rid of it.
- Groucho Marx

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
- Groucho Marx

He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.
- Groucho Marx

Don't look now, but there's one too many in this room and I think it's you.
- Groucho Marx

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
- Groucho Marx

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.
- Groucho Marx

--- ---

I'll bet your father spent the first year of your life throwing rocks at the stork.
- Irving Brecher (Marx Bros. "At the Circus")

I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.
- Irvin S. Cobb

--- ---

He was a bit like a corkscrew. Twisted, cold and sharp.
- Kate Cruise O'Brien

I thought men like that shot themselves.
- King George V

Some folks seem to have descended from the chimpanzee later than others.
- Kin Hubbard

The characters are so flat and the dialogue so dull you expect it to be one of those movies whose existence is justified by a big final twist. But it's three days after the screening, and still no twist. Maybe it's coming in the mail?
- Kyle Smith (about the movie, The Jacket)

--- ---

He's the kind of man who picks his friends - to pieces.
- Mae West

His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.
- Mae West

She's the kind of woman who climbed the ladder of success - wrong by wrong.
- Mae West

The finest woman that ever walked the streets.
- Mae West

He's the type of man who will end up dying in his own arms.
- Mamie Van Doren (about Warren Beatty)

As entertaining as watching a potato bake.
- Marc Savlov (about the movie, Taxi)

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.
- Margot Asquith

He could never see a belt without hitting below it.
- Margot Asquith

She tells enough white lies to ice a wedding cake.
- Margot Asquith

Wagner's music is better than it sounds.
- Mark Twain

Reader, suppose you were an idiot; and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself.
- Mark Twain

He was a solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity.
- Mark Twain

His ignorance covers the world like a blanket, and there's scarcely a hole in it anywhere.
- Mark Twain

He is useless on top of the ground; he ought to be under it, inspiring the cabbages.
- Mark Twain

Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?
- Mark Twain

I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.
- Mark Twain

You take the lies out of him, and he'll shrink to the size of your hat; you take the malice out of him, and he'll disappear.
- Mark Twain

Useless as a pulled tooth.
- Mary Roberts Rinehart

She not only expects the worst, but makes the worst of it when it happens.
- Michael Arlen

Devotees of awful filmmaking can't go wrong with this one.
- Michael Wilmington (about the movie, Elektra)

Why are we honoring this man? Have we run out of human beings?
- Milton Berle

He was so narrow minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes.
- Molly Ivins

Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it.
- Moses Hadas

--- ---

She preserved to the age of fifty-six that contempt for ideas which is normal among boys and girls of fifteen.
- Odell Shepherd

He makes a very handsome corpse and becomes his coffin prodigiously. - Oliver Goldsmith

Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.
- Oscar Levant

I treasure every moment that I do not see her.
- Oscar Levant

She is a peacock in everything but beauty.
- Oscar Wilde

He hadn't a single redeeming vice.
- Oscar Wilde

I have met a lot of hardboiled eggs in my time, but you're twenty minutes.
- Oscar Wilde

He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.
- Oscar Wilde

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.
- Oscar Wilde

He would stab his best friend for the sake of writing an epigram on his tombstone.
- Oscar Wilde

--- ---

He looked as inconspicuous as a tarantula on a slice of angel food.
- Raymond Chandler

R.I.P. Heard your latest album - with deepest sympathy
- Robbie Williams (Note sent to Noel Gallagher)

"Go to hell!" or other insult direct is all the answer a snoopy question rates.
- Robert A. Heinlein

I regard you with an indifference bordering on aversion.
- Robert Louis Stevenson

He has the attention span of a lightning bolt.
- Robert Redford

She has been kissed as often as a police-court Bible, and by much the same class of people.
- Robertson Davies

His golf bag does not contain a full set of irons.
- Robin Williams

No more sense of direction than a bunch of firecrackers.
- Rob Wagner

Your women's intuition is the result of millions of years of not thinking.
- Rupert Hughes

--- ---

She never was really charming till she died.
- Terence

He has no more backbone than a chocolate eclair.
- Theodore Roosevelt

His imagination resembles the wings of an ostrich.
- Thomas B. Macaulay

They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge.
- Thomas Brackett Reed

He has every attribute of a dog except loyalty.
- Thomas P. Gore

Some folks are wise and some are otherwise.
- Tobias George Smolett

A mental midget with the IQ of a fence post.
- Tom Waits

He was a great friend of mine. Well, as much as you could be a friend of his, unless you were a fourteen-year-old nymphet.
- Truman Capote (about Faulkner)

He had a mind so fine that no idea could violate it.
- T.S. Eliot (about Henry James)

--- ---

He had delusions of adequacy.
- Walter Kerr

I have more talent in my smallest fart than you have in your entire body.
- Walter Matthau

She's been on more laps than a napkin.
- Walter Winchell

Some people stay longer in an hour than others can in a week.
- William Dean Howells

He was one of the nicest old ladies I ever met.
- William Faulkner

He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.
- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

The perfection of rottenness.
- William James

If he ever had a bright idea it would be beginner's luck.
-William Lashner "Veritas"

She's good, being gone.
- William Shakespeare

Thou lumpish earth-vexing fustilarian.
- William Shakespeare

Thou mammering half-faced measle.
- William Shakespeare

He's the only man I ever knew who had rubber pockets so he could steal soup.
-Wilson Mizner

You're a mouse studying to be a rat.
- Wilson Mizner

Everyone has his day and some days last longer than others.
- Winston Churchill

A modest little person, with much to be modest about.
- Winston Churchill

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
- Winston Churchill

Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one.
- Winston Churchill, (in response to George Bernard Shaw)

I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.
- Woody Allen

No one can have a higher opinion of him than I have; and I think he's a dirty little beast.
- W. S. Gilbert

She plunged into a sea of platitudes, and with the powerful breast stroke of a channel swimmer, made her confident way towards the white cliffs of the obvious.
- W. Somerset Maugham

--- ---

And damn, this article is getting long.

Reader's comments on this article

Add a new comment on this article

from rainy
Friday, March 30, 2007 - 17:59

I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top.
- An English Professor
(reply to this comment)
from farmer
Monday, March 19, 2007 - 05:58

When I first read about "Churchill's" parrot years ago, I cried laughing...meanwhile there are doubts, whether he really owned that fine creature...I don't know whether that'd be "abuse" of a poor animal, to teach it some foul language, but all the while she is my "cutest"/ favourite Anti-Nazi-weapon.
(reply to this comment)
from Ne Oublie
Monday, March 19, 2007 - 05:03

Part of the brilliance of Sir Winston's wit is lost by separating his response from the one prompting it from George Bernard Shaw.
(reply to this comment)
from Oddman
Monday, March 19, 2007 - 03:16

Oh omnipotent admin JW....

Wherefore are portions of my article missing? Of the quotes, those sorted under every other alphabet is missing. Did the spacers I used cause that?
(reply to this comment)
From MovingOn Admin
Monday, March 19, 2007, 06:39

I don't think the spacers had anything to do with it. You could try posting it again, and if that doesn't work, send me the original text (at the admin email address), and I'll insert the missing quotes.(reply to this comment
from jolifam77
Sunday, March 18, 2007 - 16:01


He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.
- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

Lol. this one was great. Having to do a essays on Faulkner and Hemingway both, I despised Hemingway as the simpleton. Now however if I had a choice of the two I'd read Hemingway.
(reply to this comment)

from Eric Cartman
Sunday, March 18, 2007 - 00:15


(reply to this comment)
from Oddman
Friday, March 16, 2007 - 20:23


More mordacious soliloquy...

You're so thin-skinned, a ball of kleenex hurled by an alzheimer patient would fatally wound you.

You're so empty, if we filled your void with seawater, we'd have twice the landmass we currently do.

Your incessant and excessive emission of hot air has got greenhouse gases choking.

Yet another dysfunctional individual. With so many defects, any moment I'm expecting God to launch a recall on the homoerectus line-up.

Is your ineptitude a result of hard work, or does that come just naturally?

As much as I'm enjoying this conversation, I really must go. I cannot risk missing Battlefield Earth.

If idiocy was a crime, you'd be public enemy No.1.

I am amazed by the passion with which you persue mediocrity.

I offer my condolences on the recent demise of your last shred of morality.

I recommend you do some reading. I further recommend you start with Dr. Seuss.

If Baron Munchausen were asked to describe you, he would call you a "smart, moral, decent, honest, hardworking, trustworthy person, and such pleasurable company".

(reply to this comment)

From Oddman
Friday, March 16, 2007, 20:29

homosapien... dumdum. Somebody should flog me for that one.(reply to this comment
from Kennyskiller
Friday, March 16, 2007 - 05:22

"I wanted to challenge you to a battle of wits, but now I see that you're unarmed..."
(reply to this comment)
from rainy
Friday, March 16, 2007 - 03:06

Thanks Oddie, that was delicious. (With the exception of one or two lame ones, the boob tube one for example, sounded like it came from a catty eleven year old) I'm impressed by your compilation skills with the ones gleaned from Moving On. That must have been a fair amount of work. I was trying to remind Apostate of how we started out on the wrong foot, he couldn't remember that. Thanks for finding it. :)
(reply to this comment)
From v
Friday, March 16, 2007, 03:14


Hiya babe, meet me in chat in about 15 min?

(reply to this comment

From rainy
Friday, March 16, 2007, 03:21

catch ya in 15.(reply to this comment
from Oddman
Thursday, March 15, 2007 - 23:52

Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5(Agree/Disagree?)

A few collected from our very own population of insultionistas....

Awe bless. You know Santa aint really real either hun.

I don't think so dude. It just really looks like he thinks you are stupid. But I can't speak for him.

There is no polite way to say this; please just go away!
-Sara Midwife

No I didn't miss your "main point", I just didn't think it was worth responding to.

I'll humour you this time around, but in the future please do try to pay attention to what's being said!

The irony of opening a defence of free speech, by telling me what I can, and cannot, say...

I'm disappointed! Apparently I overestimated your powers of comprehension.

You don't like me? Oh my god!! what am i to do?
I'm sorry you don't like me, but I'm sure we'll both live.
-An Apostate

Mercifully on opposite sides of the planet.
-Rainchild's response to Apostate

If anyone sang me that song with an earnest expression...I'm afraid I wouldn't be able to restrain myself. I'd laugh my ass off.

As much as I cringe everytime I read something you've written, you have your moments of pure entertainment.

Two reasons why I cut Ne Oublie lots of slack. One, his rhetorical skill is almost on a par with mine, and two, because he is not afraid to admit to being the war mongering, capitalist pig that he is.

Your gullibility is like some fucked up Escher painting.

Your implication that a writer who pens a book is to be trusted more readily than one who writes an article is proof enough to confirm my suspicion that you are a very simple minded little sheep indeed.

I think you are disgracefully ignorant and you have all the charm of a glass of sulfuric-acid.

I take many things seriously, you are not among them.

Yeah, good plan! A strategy worthy of Julius Caesar, Genghis Khan or Donald Rumsfeld! I am in awe of your skill at (be it merely online flame-war) tactical manoeuvring! In awe, I tell you, in awe! I mean, I'm literally soiling my pants here! -Except for the teensy fact that it takes more than one vote to send a given comment to the Trailer Park. Sucks being a one-man army*, eh, Rambo?

Please give me two minutes to go and tear my scalp from my skull.
-Shameless self quote.

Clever. Despite the pinch measure of responding to my question with another question thus circumventing my circumvention, I will indulge you.
-Shameless self quote.

I'm simply appalled that you didn't put me on that list. Have you forgotten that I favored you over Swede for the prestigious "Stupidest Comment" award?

Read what you just wrote and tell me why I shouldn't think that's fucked up.

You're entirely missing the point and I can't take xanax at work. So I'll try not to scream.

Dude, I don't really know what to say to you that you'll understand. Your comments are an odd mix of hillarious and infuriating.

I sincerely hope that you get out on your own as soon as possible and start experiencing the rest of life beyond your parents and the bible belt and see both sides so you can start making some educated decisions. Until then please don't vote.

And before the OBs point it out, of course I acknowledge no compilation of this genre would be quite complete without some JoeH-isms, and some of PJ's responses. I'll add them sometime.
(reply to this comment)

from smashingrrl
Thursday, March 15, 2007 - 14:29

Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5(Agree/Disagree?)
Your mother should have swallowed.
(reply to this comment)
From Samuel
Thursday, March 15, 2007, 18:03

I liked your other one better, Smash. "Say that again, and I'll be using your skull as a toilet!" Made me laugh for hours.(reply to this comment
From smashingrrl
Thursday, March 15, 2007, 19:22

I'm so eloquent when I'm drunk. : ) But that was more of a threat. The swallow comment is my favorite insult, reserved for special occasions.(reply to this comment
From Nick
Thursday, March 15, 2007, 15:53

LOL! I love it! I am gonna get that made into a T shirt.(reply to this comment
from figaro
Thursday, March 15, 2007 - 11:01

Average visitor agreement is 4.5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 4.5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 4.5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 4.5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 4.5 out of 5(Agree/Disagree?)
Winston Churchill was told by a woman "Sir, if you were my husband, I'd put poison in your drink." Churchill's reply: "Madam, if you were my wife, I'd drink it."

(reply to this comment)
From Jules
Thursday, March 15, 2007, 16:52


My favourite Churchill retort. :) It was Lady Astor who made the initial insult.

PS: I so agree with Oddman's article. How about some intelligent and/or witty arguments? Not be all Republican but our Basic Values are being corrupted. This site was built on the principles of black humour and intelligent smartassedness (and obviously not any usability principles). To see "Yo' Momma" and "I know you are but what am I" go on for so long makes me very sad. The Founder is weeping (and not in a DS9 way). (reply to this comment

From Prof. Essy
Saturday, March 17, 2007, 23:14


Buliders Beware!

OK, channel not too clear, don't remember the lesson, but maybe the memo needs to go out more regularly :-)(reply to this comment

From Ne Oublie
Friday, March 16, 2007, 05:23


By the way, great to have you post in here again - after so long, too!

That DS9 reference sure brought back memories :D(reply to this comment

From Ne Oublie
Friday, March 16, 2007, 04:35


For some reason that retort has always reminded me of this exchange commonly attributed to George Bernard Shaw:

At a posh dinner party he asks a well-known socialite if she would sleep with him if he were to pay her a million pounds.

To which she answers "Yes I would"

He then asks "How about for £50"

The woman indignantly retorts "What do you think I am? A prostitute?"

To which he replies in the most patronising of tones, "My Dear, we have already established that! I am now just negotiating price."(reply to this comment

From Oddman
Thursday, March 15, 2007, 23:41

Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5(Agree/Disagree?)
Oh my, Jules!! I am honored m(_ _)m

I must remove my shoes. I walketh on holy ground.(reply to this comment
From Jules
Friday, March 16, 2007, 00:22


Please also remove your socks.

Thanks for your adoration.(reply to this comment

From tuneman7
Friday, March 16, 2007, 00:34

Average visitor agreement is 1 out of 5(Agree/Disagree?)

I'd encouage the dude the lick my boots while he was in the process before I buried then in the guy's idiotic !@#$, what nonsense!

Regardless of whether or not one agrees with the content you write well Jules, writing is a very positive skill, it helps organize thoughts into logical constructs, or illogial ones in the case of the writings of Berg and other criminals and social predators or just randomly bogus, nonense mongering, socially challenged & otherwise weirded out individuals.

However, software engineers are a cut above in my experience because they recognize one thing which many others aren't faced with on a daily basis:

bool blntrue = true;
bool blnfalse = false;
bool blnvalue;
blnvalue = blntrue;

A good software engineer views languages as simply a means to an end. Therin lies the difference between a coder and a software engneer.

A coder codes with specific codes.

A software engineer can engineer with any code and learn any.

A great software engineer is nothing if not a master of many languages or codes.

Writing is a code, coded in the language English, if was well used in this case. "Nice code" as we say in the industry.

Stay relaxed,

Don Irwin(reply to this comment

From neez
Thursday, March 15, 2007, 22:47

Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5(
While I generally don't need any guidelines for correct insult procedure, I'll give your article thumbs up for the sole fact that it momentarily brought Jules out of retirement.(reply to this comment
From Oddman
Thursday, March 15, 2007, 23:40

Far be it from my intent to provide the neez with a guideline. If anything, I could use a lecture or two.(reply to this comment
From neez
Saturday, March 17, 2007, 22:44

Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5(
While I was never one for giving lectures, I would like to request that you stop giving tuneman7 any more reasons to bore us all to tears.(reply to this comment
From tuneman7
Friday, March 16, 2007, 00:23

Average visitor agreement is 1 out of 5(Agree/Disagree?)

Well, in this case I agree with neez, but I have to say Oddman, I'm getting increasingly annoyed what view as an addiction to illogical thinking and non-constructive social constructs, or ideas about such.

I appreciate the fact that you may or may not know how to do certain things, or have information about things or access to experiences that some of us might not have, that's positive, but I'm in no way envious what I view as an addiction to illogical thinking which you're espousing in many of your posts.

(reply to this comment

From Oddman
Friday, March 16, 2007, 00:41

Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5(Agree/Disagree?)
Fair enough. And I'm in no way envious of your incoherence or addiction to egocentric thinking. I bowed out of your thread minutes ago, hows about you return the "reigi" and bow out of mine?(reply to this comment
From tuneman7
Friday, March 16, 2007, 01:09

Average visitor agreement is 1 out of 5(Agree/Disagree?)

You use no qualifiers for your opinion, sign of a very poorly read and even more poorly schooled individual, not to mention just "rude idiot" in the Californian vernacular.


"what I view as. ..."

"your . ..."

. ...

idiot.(reply to this comment

From Ne Oublie
Friday, March 16, 2007, 04:24

Average visitor agreement is 4 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 4 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 4 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 4 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 4 out of 5(Agree/Disagree?)

Tuneman7, I have to disagree with you and state that I have the utmost respect for Oddman's logical thought process. Even when I disagree with his conclusions I respect the way he has considered the matter, weighed up the options and reached the conclusion which is appropriate for him.

When participating in an online forum such as this, it is - as indeed it should be - a given that one is always describing their own views, unless otherwise stated. As such, no qualifier is required or appropriate.(reply to this comment

From tuneman7
Friday, March 16, 2007, 08:59

Average visitor agreement is 1 out of 5(Agree/Disagree?)

I will agree with your assesment/analysis of Oddman's logical though process when I experience it. So far I haven't.

If/when I do, I'm fair. We'll see.

I'm not scared of tagling with anyone, online, in school, on the streets, etc., I've done it far too many times and won to know what the gig is about.

We'll see.

(reply to this comment

From rainy
Friday, March 16, 2007, 03:08

Don't beat yourself up about it; you were probably drunk.(reply to this comment
From tuneman7
Friday, March 16, 2007, 01:03

Average visitor agreement is 1 out of 5(Agree/Disagree?)

It don't work that way in American my friend.

At least not with the Irish Americans, of whom I am a proud son.

You've had plenty of time to piss (unsolicited I might add), on my parties, I'm returning the favor, we'll see where it goes.

Again, if you want to start a thread about my "intoxicated abandon", I'm game, man. Truth is the only round I've got chambered.

To quote Kid Rock (metaphorically speaking of course). "I've got 16 shots in my 9mm and I've got one for ya!"

Bring it on, man. ...

Don Irwin

(reply to this comment

From Oddman
Friday, March 16, 2007, 03:30

Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5(Agree/Disagree?)

"It don't work that way in American"?

To keep this simple, I'll write it in English.

I find your hostility towards me and your attempt to hijack this thread, spurious, unreasonable, misplaced.

"You've had plenty of time to piss on my parties"

Don, you've posted at least 10 articles this year. Most of them, rather recently. I've commented on two that I can recall. "Rites of passage into manhood." and "retirement." What did I say then?

"If he thinks he needs therapy, that's up to him. "

"Tuneman7 is right, the company of some ex-SGs can be detrimental to a "healing process". I'm against putting them all in a box, but that's up to him isn't it? Sometimes boxing is neccessary. I know some SG's who have totally cut off all contact with old friends, until they got on their feet. I don't know if it's the best way, but that's a personal decision only he can make."

"What does interest me is whether Tuneman wishes to label other exers a threat to him, or does he wish to seclude himself from society in general, because he realises he could be a threat to others?"

"1. I don't mean to sound patronizing or accusatory in any way. I appreciate that the two of you have personal issues that need to be worked out. But in all honesty, I didn't want to see this. Not here."

"Don, I understand you are going through some transition of some sort.
I wish you the best. I wish you happiness."

"I respect you both for your bravery. For your contributions to making the truth public. For being who you are. For coming from where you come from. I know you've both done something wonderful that I haven't. You are both my heroes."

Aside from that, I made 1 comment in response to somebody else, about the word "gaijin". I then made a comment on bushido, when you equated/relegated samurai to servant.

These comments could hardly be considered hostile in my opinion. So why the sudden hostility, Don?

If anything, it's not once or twice that I've defended you in chat. For the longest time, I refrained from commenting on your state of mind (which appears to be troubled, "unrelaxed", and hate-filled as of late), I didn't take sides in your fights, and I didn't comment on your rude attitude and disregard for common internet manners when you started spilling Nancy's private life.

It's as much your prerogative to consider my logic flawed, as it's mine to consider your rantings incoherent. Your hostility towards me is as unappreciated as it was unprovoked, and were it not for my respect for your past contributions to making the truth known, I'd be inclined to put my insultionista brain cells to further work. Please, I'm asking you nicely, go and do your relaxation thing, and leave this article to it's intended purpose, "lighten up".

Thank you.(reply to this comment

From tuneman7
Friday, March 16, 2007, 09:19

This thread is in The Trailer Park 
From placebo
Friday, March 16, 2007, 03:05

and to paraphrase the Wu Tang Clan " Oddman aint nuthin to fuck wit!"(reply to this comment
From She Lives! She lives!
Thursday, March 15, 2007, 20:54

There is a huge difference in the lowest common denominators when the highest are in seclusion :-)(reply to this comment
From Churchill mania
Thursday, March 15, 2007, 12:12


I personally like these Churchill quotes, though not quite in the genre being discussed.

~If you have an important point to make, don't try to be subtle or clever. Use a pile driver. Hit the point once. Then come back and hit it again. Then hit it a third time-a tremendous whack.

~The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.

~The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of blessings; the inherent virtue of socialism is the equal sharing of miseries.

~Nothing can be more abhorrent to democracy than to imprison a person or keep him in prison because he is unpopular. This is really the test of civilization.

~Some regard private enterprise as if it were a predatory tiger to be shot. Others look upon it as a cow that they can milk. Only a handful see it for what it really is - the strong horse that pulls the whole cart.

~The length of this document defends it well against the risk of its being read.

~There is no such thing as public opinion. There is only published opinion.

~A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject.

~History will be kind to me for I intend to write it.

~If Hitler invaded hell I would make at least a favorable reference to the devil in the House of Commons.

~My rule of life prescribed as an absolutely sacred rite smoking cigars and also the drinking of alcohol before, after and if need be during all meals and in the intervals between them. (reply to this comment

From Ne Oublie
Thursday, March 15, 2007, 17:03

While we're quoting Churchill:

"If at twenty you are not a socialist, you haven't got a heart. If at forty you are still one, you haven't got a brain."

And before you comment, yes, I did heartlessly mature before my years :D(reply to this comment
from Lance
Thursday, March 15, 2007 - 06:16


I think my favorite would have to be by Winston Churchill: I may be drunk madam. But in the morning I will be sober, and you will still be ugly.
(reply to this comment)

from :p
Thursday, March 15, 2007 - 05:50

Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5(Agree/Disagree?)
He is the humblest man I know, he's always humiliating himself
(reply to this comment)
from sar
Thursday, March 15, 2007 - 05:40


"You are the reason God created the middle finger." Couldn't that just as easily be taken as a compliment?

(reply to this comment)

From Indeed
Sunday, March 18, 2007, 19:23

Charming... Charming my dear!(reply to this comment

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