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Getting Through : Lighten Up

Peter and Maria go Witnessing - Part 4!

from Samuel - Saturday, December 09, 2006
accessed 1163 times

In our last segment, Peter and Maria had decided to stop witnessing and have a cup of coffee at Starbucks. Peter read his e-mail, and answered some questions before the van arrived to take them home. And now the story continues…

The last episode can be found here:

Desire walked in the door, and sat down at an empty table.

“God bless Desire, she’s always so security minded. Always wants to make sure we can get around without drawing attention to ourselves.” Peter whispered as he folded the lap top computer and rose from his seat. He pushed his chair in, and helped Maria out of her chair. “Now follow me, honey. Desire’s right over here.” he said to her softly.

They walked out of the coffee shop together without acknowledging Desire, who quickly followed after them. Peter and Desire both helped Maria to get into the dirty white van.

“LHM, Peter. I know I should do something with this van because driving a dirty van around is such a bad witness. Cleanliness is Godliness, as Dad always said.”

“Amen, Desire.”, Peter chided. “Dad also said ‘Accidents don’t just happen; they are caused by a lack of concern and a lack of love for others.’ ”

“Amen, but what does that have to do with driving around in a dirty van?”

“Who cares? It came from God’s End Time Prophet. Don’t you enjoy hearing God’s word for today?”

“Oh yes, I certainly do. I just didn’t think that…”

“ Exactly, you didn’t think! You need to be alert, on guard, especially if you’re going to be driving Queen Maria and I around, Amen?”

“Amen. But there’s also a Mo quote that says “Don’t think, think, think: or you’ll sink, sink, sink: because you stink, stink, stink.’ ”

“Desire, just drive us home, okay?”, Maria finally asked.

“Yes, Mama, I’ll do that.”, Desire answered. Desire closed the heavy van door, and walked around to the driver’s seat.

“So, how was witnessing?”, Maria asked

Desire turned to look at Maria in the back. “Witnessing went great. And I really want to thank you guys for being the lookouts at Starbucks for me, so I could go out and witness to the crowd. We raised $1200.”

“Oh, that’s wonderful.” Peter replied. “I’ll have it wired to our Swiss account first thing tomorrow.”

“God bless you, Peter. You’re so faithful”, Desire replied “So, someone was telling me about a special treat on movie night. Is there any chance I might be able to get some love?”

“Well, Desire”, Peter replied, “I’m still trying to get rid of this STD. But I guess we could if you have the faith for it.”

“Oh, don’t worry about that. You probably got it from me to begin with. Isn’t that wonderful how we share everything in this Family?”, Desire cooed.

“Amen, it sure is. Hal!”

Desire turned the key, and started the engine. “Let’s pray”, Maria said. “Now go with us precious savior,
as we journey on our way.”
And everyone else chimed in:
“Bless the tires and the engine,
Be thou with us all the way.
Precious God, precious God,
Without thee we dare not ride.
Precious God, precious God,
We are safe when by your side.”

The van pulled out of the parking lot, and made its way into the street.

On the way home, Peter looked out his window, and saw something out of the corner of his eye. “Hey, I wonder why there’s a police car outside the Krispy Crème place.”

Maria looked in the direction of the voice. “A police car? Maybe they’re following us.”

“It is odd, and I think the Lord is bringing this to my attention for a reason. I’m getting a check in the spirit about this.”

“Oh, Hallelujah, a check! Who’s it from?”

“No, Mama, not a bank check, a check like, you know something’s not right. The Lord is trying to say something to me in the spirit.”

Maria gasped. “Stop thinking about that Holy Spirit girl! You know, if I’ve aged since Eman drew that picture, chances are she has too! She’s not so young and beautiful anymore, you know?”

“I’m not! I’m not thinking about her, okay? I just think God is trying to send me a message through her.”

“Well, if she comes in here, I’m not moving out of my seat to make room for her!”, Maria snapped

“You don’t get it, honey. You don’t have to, she’s a spirit.”, Peter replied

Maria nodded her head. “Okay. Just don’t bring her into the bedroom when we’re having our special time. And don’t think I won’t see her because I’m blind!”

Peter sighed. “She’s a spirit, you couldn’t see her anyway. She could sit on my lap if she wanted to.”

Maria slapped her hands at Peter. Peter threw his hands up “Okay, okay, I’m sorry sweetheart.” he replied.

“Hallelujah, we’re home!”, Desire said, from the front of the van.

That evening:

“And Lord we rebuke the media, we rebuke them in the keys! The media, and the god of satellites, and the god of the internet, which makes information about our deeds available to the entire world at the click of a mouse, Lord! We curse Oplexicon Lord, bind him, and drown him in the depths of the sea in the power of the Keys, Lord! And throw away the keys when you do that, please Lord! Don’t give him access to the keys, Lord, because he’s so smart he’ll unlock himself and he will be after us again in no time, Lord!”

“Amen!”, everyone shouted.
And suddenly, a voice called out from the back of the room.

“Attention chacun, je prédis !Combien grand est ce ? And here is the translation. The authorities are on their way! Have I not shown my servant Peter these things? Have I not revealed all these things unto my humble King Peter? Well, did I? No one’s going to answer me, huh? None among you knoweth the answer, save my humble servant Peter and my sweet nymphomaniac Maria. For ye are in darkness, darkness I say, because my servant Peter has not revealed these things unto thee yet. Get thee with the program, Peter! For thou art really starting to get on my nerves! For behold, the darkness shall cover this room, and gross darkness this house. I mean really gross, like when someone pukes on the floor in the middle of the night and you step on it on your way to the toilet. That’s gross! That’s what I’m talking about. And the police shall rise upon thee, and their glory shall be seen upon thee.”

Suddenly a large crowd of followers got up and joined hands and began to sing “David’s Mighty Men”.

Peter waved his hands, trying to calm everyone down. “Please, everyone, stop singing! You are breaking the spirit; we are going to have a dirty channel!”

One woman raised her hand. “Yes, Amy, what is it?”, Peter asked

“You mean like the Playboy Channel or something?”

“No, not like a television channel. I’m talking about the channel in the spirit. If you break the spirit, we’re going to get a dirty channel!”

“Can we watch it? Maybe they’ll show Jenna Jameson.”, a man asked.

“Everyone quiet please. Chiara is getting a prophecy. Please proceed, Chiara.”

“Uh…with what?”, Chiara asked

“The prophecy, Chiara. What you were saying.”

“ Oh yes. Well, let me see. I’ll have to get my tarot cards out again.”

“Excuse me, King Peter. But aren’t we supposed to have our eyes closed while we’re praying?” , another disciple asked

“Yes, but how do you know she didn’t have her eyes closed, unless you didn’t have them closed also?”, Peter asked, a judgmental look on his face.

“Because she just said she was looking at tarot cards.”

“She can do that if she needs them to get a prophecy.”, Peter replied

“The authorities are on their way. They just stopped for doughnuts.”, Chiara blurted out

“Doughnuts? Are they Krispy Kreme by chance?”, Peter asked

“Yes, they are. They have chocolate icing on one side, and glaze on the other.”

“That’s great! Maybe we could provision some doughnuts from them like we used to do back in the old days.”, Maria commented.

“That’s NOT great, they’re coming to arrest us!”, Peter yelled “Everybody, get your flee bags!”

Chiara turned the cards around, and continued. “Wait, there’s more! They’re going to come in a helicopter! And they’re going to use a wagon too!”

“Wow, you’re getting such a revelation!”, King Peter said.

“And they’re going to bring a dog with them.”, Chiara added. “And they’re going to take us to jail on a yellow school bus.”

“Is that all?”, Peter asked

“Yes, I ran out of cards.”

“Wow, awesome prophecy you gave, Chiara!”, a girl said as she passed by on her way out of the room.

“You know, I find it quite sexy when a woman is spiritual like that.”, a guy commented.

Chiara blushed, “Oh, thank you. But I really can’t take credit for that, it’s only Jesus. And he’s sexier than anybody can imagine.”

“Maybe we could have a little love up time before we have to flee?”

“Good question, for some reason I was short changed on the sharing schedule. Uh, King Peter! Can Byron and I have love up time before we have to flee?”

“If you let me in on it.”, Maria replied.

“No, Mama. No, Chiara, we don’t have time! We have to be out of here in 15 minutes!”

“That’s not fair!”, Maria protested.

Peter leaned in and whispered to Maria, “What’s not fair is that we have a luxury mobile home that hasn’t been broken in yet, if you know what I mean.”

A mother ran into the room, and grabbed the cards from the floor where Chiara was sitting. “I knew the baby’s flash cards were around here somewhere!”, she said out loud.

And with that, everyone ran out of the room to get their flee bags.

Reader's comments on this article

Add a new comment on this article

from neez
Wednesday, December 13, 2006 - 22:07

I'd appreciate it if everyone would read my comment that I posted below and then start telling me how cool I am. I won't respond to any other sort of comment.

Even though I would love nothing more then to repeatedly explain myself in great detail, I really think you should all read it for the simple fact that I wrote it.
(reply to this comment)
From Samuel
Thursday, December 14, 2006, 05:16


Neez, wouldn't you agree that I'm getting better at not doing that over the last couple days?

Of course it appears that Shaka will probably never let me live that down, but that's what friends do to each other.

See ya later.(reply to this comment

From Shaka
Thursday, December 14, 2006, 05:25

Huh?(reply to this comment
From Samuel
Thursday, December 14, 2006, 05:34


Well, Shaka, after I stopped overexplaining myself all the time you came back talking about how you almost shot yuor computer the day before. : o )

I'm trying to improve myself, you know. That's why I keep coming on here, by the way. I need balance in my life. Yes, I have supportive friends at church that pretty much all agree with me, but that's not going to help me open my mind, or broaden my horizons, or see both sides, or improve myself. That's why I come on here. I honestly think this site is helping me.(reply to this comment

From lisa
Thursday, December 14, 2006, 13:49

Samuel if thats true, well done. That is an excellent attitude, and much more muture then I would have expected from you. (reply to this comment
From Samuel
Thursday, December 14, 2006, 15:05


Thank you, Lisa. Hey, sorry if I misjudged you before.

Happy Birthday by the way, a day late. (reply to this comment

From Shaka
Thursday, December 14, 2006, 09:19

That wasn't "not letting you live it down". I couldn't care less if you live it down or not. I was warning someone else not to get in an endless debate with you to spare them a migrane.(reply to this comment
From Samuel
Thursday, December 14, 2006, 15:01

Oh, I don't think that would have happened. Sar seems to be rather cool headed. But thanks for looking out for us, though.(reply to this comment
From Nefarious Nosferatu & the Mystic Mefist
Thursday, December 14, 2006, 04:14

I wrote a three page recollection of my life from 3 months to 4 months old. I'd appreciate it if everyone would read my comment, and start telling me how uncool I am, so I'd have an excuse to go into a 3 page explanation of how this one time I swallowed a bug and was traumatized for life.(reply to this comment
Thursday, December 14, 2006, 01:15

Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5(
If you "won't respond to any other sort of comment", does that mean we can effectively shut you up by not posting insincere flatteries?(reply to this comment
From neez
Thursday, December 14, 2006, 23:28

Apparently not.(reply to this comment
from neez
Wednesday, December 13, 2006 - 21:59

Average visitor agreement is 3 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 3 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 3 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 3 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 3 out of 5(Agree/Disagree?)
I'd just like to take a moment to mention that I have decided I don't like this article, so I will therefore begin a campaign involving all my imaginary freinds to get it moved into the trailer park as soon as I've finished typing this.

That is all.
(reply to this comment)
From an apostate
Thursday, December 14, 2006, 02:44

In Mr. Burns' voice: 'Egggg-celeeeent"(reply to this comment
from Kennyskiller
Wednesday, December 13, 2006 - 05:17

LMAO! Dammit, memories of a long-forgotten song "Now go with us, precious saviour" just came screaming back at me!
(reply to this comment)
From Samuel
Wednesday, December 13, 2006, 20:50


Yeah, I can't imagine ahving to sing it every time you go somewhere. In our hom,e we'd always just pray a short "Bless and keep us, Lord" or something, and take off.

By the way, if yuo want to know what "tongue" Chiara was speaking, that was French for " Look everybody, I'm prophesying! How great is that?" When I tried to get the automatic Altavista translator to translate the word "cool" ( as in "How cool is that?"), it would translate it as "cold" instead.(reply to this comment

From go fuck yourself
Thursday, December 14, 2006, 02:43

Average visitor agreement is 2.5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 2.5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 2.5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 2.5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 2.5 out of 5(
Siktir gitlan. Hic komik degilsin. Bizim yerimizden siktirlan!

Oh, if you're wondering what 'tongue' that was, it was Turkish for: 'Fuck off, you're not funny at all. We don't want you around here anymore!' and it was dedicated to you, Samuel. Quit posting stupid shit you fucking idiot!(reply to this comment
From openmind
Thursday, December 14, 2006, 18:27

Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5(Agree/Disagree?)

gee ... that's exactly what the turks said to abrahim the gypsy king? (when he was in bed and they cut off his head)

(reply to this comment

From placebo
Thursday, December 14, 2006, 03:09

Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5(Agree/Disagree?)
Just what I needed., yet another person cursing in turkish.Samuel, whoever he is, has just as much a right to be here as anyone else so cut the guy some bleeding slack.(reply to this comment
From jez
Monday, March 05, 2007, 16:59

Average visitor agreement is 1 out of 5(Agree/Disagree?)
I agree, besides he's effing hilarious. Keep it up Samuel.(reply to this comment

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