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Getting Through : Lighten Up

Becoming Illegal

from Shaka - Sunday, October 29, 2006
accessed 1102 times

Becoming Illegal (From a Maryland resident to his senator)

The Honorable Paul S. Sarbanes

Senate Office Building

309 Hart

Washington DC, 20510

Dear Senator Sarbanes,

As a native Marylander and excellent customer of the Internal Revenue Service, I am writing to ask for your assistance. I have contacted the Department of Homeland Security in an effort to determine the process for becoming an illegal alien and they referred me to you.

My primary reason for wishing to change my status from U.S. Citizen to illegal alien stem from the bill which was recently passed by the Senate and for which you voted. If my understanding of this bill's provisions is accurate, as an illegal alien who has been in the United Statesfor five years, all I need to do to become a citizen is to pay a $2,000 fine and income taxes for three of the last five years. I know a good deal when I see one and I am anxious to get the process started before everyone figures it out.

Simply put, those of us who have been here legally have had to pay taxes every year so I'm excited about the prospect of avoiding two years of taxes in return for paying a $2,000 fine. Is there any way that I can apply to be illegal retroactively? This would yield an excellent result for me and my family because we paid heavy taxes in 2004 and 2005.

Additionally, as an illegal alien I could begin using the local emergency room as my primary health care provider. Once I have stopped paying premiums for medical insurance, my accountant figures I could save almost $10,000 a year.

Another benefit in gaining illegal status would be that my daughter would receive preferential treatment relative to her law school applications, as well as "in-state" tuition rates for many colleges throughout the United States for my son.

Lastly, I understand that illegal status would relieve me of the burden of renewing my driver's license and making those burdensome car insurance premiums. This is very important to me given that I still have college age children driving my car.

If you would provide me with an outline of the process to become illegal (retroactively if possible) and copies of the necessary forms, I would be most appreciative. Thank you for your assistance.

Your Loyal Constituent,

Pete McGlaughlin

Reader's comments on this article

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from Samuel
Thursday, November 02, 2006 - 04:48


Shaka, that was great. And so true.

What I don't understand is how illegals can cross the border to have their babies and all of a sudden their babies are US citizens, which pretty much guarantees they won't be sent back home. I guess the Mexicans also know a good deal when they see it.

Stay safe over there, Shaka. I'll be thinking of you.
(reply to this comment)

From Shaka
Thursday, November 02, 2006, 05:18

Thanks dude. Everyone see, this it what I like about this guy. Even though he's rabidly Christian and his taste of music gives me the shits, he has the decency and good sense not to say "I'm praying for you" to an athiest. You won't find that with many Christians. So many people tell me they're praying for me and I feel jinxed every time they do. Seriously, thank you Samuel, for not being your usual insensitive Christian. (reply to this comment
From Samuel
Friday, November 03, 2006, 05:27


You're welcome, Shaka. I didn't realize you were an atheist, but I know how you feel about religious fanatics so I figured you'd probably prefer if I didn't say that.

You don't have to feel jinxed. They're just doing the best thing they know to do. The way I see it, even if you don't believe if prayer, it's a nice thought and it never hurt anything. But I do believe if you're praying for someone they should know, I guess it's because for Christians it's a way of providing encouragement. Maybe it's just the way I was raised. I don't mean to insult anyone when I say that I'm praying for them, and the thought never occured to me that someone might feel insulted by that.

I assure you they have no ill wishes for you.

Have a great day.

(reply to this comment

From AnnaH
Friday, November 03, 2006, 15:07

I agree. Right now I have about five different religions praying for me. Jesus, Mohammed, Krishna, Yahweh, Buddha....I want my bases covered. (reply to this comment
From Shaka
Friday, November 03, 2006, 05:47

It doesn't so much insult me as it does remind me of leering beady-eyed old fucking hippies who said it to everyone they passed in the hall. Reminiscing makes me want to beat something severely so I'd rather not trigger all those memories and fuck up mine and someone else's day.(reply to this comment
From Samuel
Friday, November 03, 2006, 05:56


Oh my, I never thought of that. That IS scary! I'm really sorry, Shaka if i brought back any bad memories. I remember some of those fake "leaders" from Colombia. They just wanted to act spiritual. It takes more than telling someone you'll pray for them to be a leader. Like try leaving some of the good food at their house instead of taking it all to yours and leaving with them with greasy horse meat (or whatever kind of garbage it was)!

I can definitely understand your point of view.

(reply to this comment

From Samuel
Friday, November 03, 2006, 06:21

By the way, my Mom also liked your article.(reply to this comment
from shikaka
Wednesday, November 01, 2006 - 23:54

HAHA fuckity HA! A Masterpiece.
(reply to this comment)
from conan
Wednesday, November 01, 2006 - 23:26

that was fucking great

(reply to this comment)

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