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Getting Through : Lighten Up

Kissing Hank's Ass

from Red - Thursday, May 25, 2006
accessed 1161 times

Just for kicks...

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from Rain Child
Tuesday, June 06, 2006 - 03:26

Didn't know where to put this, but just wanted to wish everyone a happy 6/6/6!
(reply to this comment)
From rainy
Saturday, July 07, 2007, 03:00

Happy 7/7/7 y'all(reply to this comment
From vix
Saturday, July 07, 2007, 04:26


That made me smile. Love the sense of shared history :-)

(reply to this comment

From Peter
Tuesday, June 06, 2006, 11:52

Here's a holiday message from George W. Bush to this comment
From Haunted
Tuesday, June 06, 2006, 14:21

BWAHAHAHAHA!!! Oh thanks! I haven't heard anything so funny in ages!! (reply to this comment
From AndyH
Tuesday, June 06, 2006, 06:07


Hooray! Thank you, I never would have noticed that. HAIL SATAN!(reply to this comment

From kats
Tuesday, June 06, 2006, 04:08

Yay!(reply to this comment
from Peter
Tuesday, June 06, 2006 - 01:26

Sandler: Hey man, I'm joining a religious cult.
Allen: Now, that's ridiculous.
Sandler: Well, I'm joining it, so you gotta sign up too.
Allen: What are you talking about?
Sandler: Hey, don't fuck me on this, man, just sign up.
Allen: No, I'm not going to join a cult!
Sandler: I can't believe you're pulling this shit on me after Monday night --
Allen: What?
Sandler: -- I wanted to watch Monday Night Football and you wanted to watch that other show and we watched your show -- I did that for you!
Allen: Yeah, well, you kept flippin' back to the game.
Sandler: I WANTED TO SEE THE FUCKIN' SCORE! Whadda you gotta do that's so fucking importnat you can't join the religious cult with me?
Allen: Well, I was gonna go sunbathing.
Sandler: Oh, boy, no no, I don't think you should do that. Because this guy, Russell -- he's the leader-guy of the cult --
Allen: -- yeah --
Sandler: -- he was rambling on during one of the speeches about the sun being bad, like the beast can't come out because the sun's too bright and the sun hurts his eyes or something -- you show up all sunburned and that guy's gonna get pissed at you and me!
Allen: Well, I'm not in the cult, so I don't have to worry about pissing the leader guy off!
Sandler: Look, I'm -- starting to believe in some of the stuff the cult guy's been saying -- some of it makes a lot of sense!
Allen: Well, good, but I don't want to join the cult. We can still hang out; I just won't be in it with you.
Sandler: The point is, I'm not gonna have time to hang out with you because I'm gonna be fuckin' busy with this fuckin' cult!
Allen: So I'll visit on weekends -- we'll work it out.
Sandler: No, the weekends are like the busiest time -- that's when we go to flea markets and fuckin' malls and talk people into joining, man!
Allen: Can I join for just a little while? I told my dad I'd go visit him in Florida in three weeks.
Sandler: Well, just, we'll ask then, but we gotta join now.
Allen: What's the hurry?
Sandler: There's a girl I wanna meet there, what the fuck's your problem?
Allen: Well, I mean I don't really have to believe in this stuff, do I?
Sandler: No, no, just fuckin' tell everybody you believe in this shit -- when they say the sun sucks, go, Yeah, fuck the sun, I fuckin' hate it too, long live the fuckin' beast.
Allen: I don't know, man. This is crazy.
Sandler: Look, they're gonna give you clothers, a free haircut, you're gonna get food --
Allen: -- it's not gonna be one of those weird haircuts, is it?
Sandler: It's gonna be a haircut, all right? You said you need a haircut, they're gonna fuckin' cut your hair. You're going in, saving twelve bucks, just fuckin' do it!
Allen: Do you think the hot girl has a friend for me?
Sandler: Yeah, sure, and if she doesn't, she'll go out and recruit one for you!
Allen: Well, all right. But, hey, if I don't like it, I'm going to escape, man.
Sandler: OK, that's up to you.
Three weeks later!
[Chanting repeatedly] The night time is the right time! The night time is the right time!
Sandler: Hey buddy, are you glad you did this?
Allen: Oh, this is the best thing I ever did. Thank you.
Sandler: You're not mad at them making you, uh, kill your father, are you?
Allen: You know, it's like they said. It was the only way to save him.
Sandler: You're a good guy.
Allen: You're a better one.
[Chanting resumes]

Adam Sandler - Joining the Cult

(reply to this comment)
from venus_fly_trap
Wednesday, May 31, 2006 - 09:29

this was an absolutely wonderful clip. i am suprised no one has commented on it. allegorical and funny, i wish i could send this to my family still in the cult. cyclical thought process without conclusion personified. surely, brothers and sisters, you enjoyed it too?
(reply to this comment)
From AndyH
Wednesday, May 31, 2006, 09:58


Damn I'm Jealous, I can't go anywhere cool on this damn restrictive network. Someone post a transcript or something. (reply to this comment

From Transcript
Wednesday, May 31, 2006, 10:42

Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5(
This morning there was a knock at my door. When I answered the door I found a well groomed, nicely dressed couple. The man spoke first:

John: "Hi! I'm John, and this is Mary."

Mary: "Hi! We're here to invite you to come kiss Hank's ass with us."

Me: "Pardon me?! What are you talking about? Who's Hank, and why would I want to kiss His ass?"

John: "If you kiss Hank's ass, He'll give you a million dollars; and if you don't, He'll kick the shit out of you."

Me: "What? Is this some sort of bizarre mob shake-down?"

John: "Hank is a billionaire philanthropist. Hank built this town. Hank owns this town. He can do whatever He wants, and what He wants is to give you a million dollars, but He can't until you kiss His ass."

Me: "That doesn't make any sense. Why..."

Mary: "Who are you to question Hank's gift? Don't you want a million dollars? Isn't it worth a little kiss on the ass?"

Me: "Well maybe, if it's legit, but..."

John: "Then come kiss Hank's ass with us."

Me: "Do you kiss Hank's ass often?"

Mary: "Oh yes, all the time..."

Me: "And has He given you a million dollars?"

John: "Well no. You don't actually get the money until you leave town."

Me: "So why don't you just leave town now?"

Mary: "You can't leave until Hank tells you to, or you don't get the money, and He kicks the shit out of you."

Me: "Do you know anyone who kissed Hank's ass, left town, and got the million dollars?"

John: "My mother kissed Hank's ass for years. She left town last year, and I'm sure she got the money."

Me: "Haven't you talked to her since then?"

John: "Of course not, Hank doesn't allow it."

Me: "So what makes you think He'll actually give you the money if you've never talked to anyone who got the money?"

Mary: "Well, He gives you a little bit before you leave. Maybe you'll get a raise, maybe you'll win a small lotto, maybe you'll just find a twenty-dollar bill on the street."

Me: "What's that got to do with Hank?"

John: "Hank has certain 'connections.'"

Me: "I'm sorry, but this sounds like some sort of bizarre con game."

John: "But it's a million dollars, can you really take the chance? And remember, if you don't kiss Hank's ass He'll kick the shit out of you."

Me: "Maybe if I could see Hank, talk to Him, get the details straight from Him..."

Mary: "No one sees Hank, no one talks to Hank."

Me: "Then how do you kiss His ass?"

John: "Sometimes we just blow Him a kiss, and think of His ass. Other times we kiss Karl's ass, and he passes it on."

Me: "Who's Karl?"

Mary: "A friend of ours. He's the one who taught us all about kissing Hank's ass. All we had to do was take him out to dinner a few times."

Me: "And you just took his word for it when he said there was a Hank, that Hank wanted you to kiss His ass, and that Hank would reward you?"

John: "Oh no! Karl has a letter he got from Hank years ago explaining the whole thing. Here's a copy; see for yourself."
From the Desk of Karl

1. Kiss Hank's ass and He'll give you a million dollars when you leave town.
2. Use alcohol in moderation.
3. Kick the shit out of people who aren't like you.
4. Eat right.
5. Hank dictated this list Himself.
6. The moon is made of green cheese.
7. Everything Hank says is right.
8. Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.
9. Don't use alcohol.
10. Eat your wieners on buns, no condiments.
11. Kiss Hank's ass or He'll kick the shit out of you.

Me: "This appears to be written on Karl's letterhead."

Mary: "Hank didn't have any paper."

Me: "I have a hunch that if we checked we'd find this is Karl's handwriting."

John: "Of course, Hank dictated it."

Me: "I thought you said no one gets to see Hank?"

Mary: "Not now, but years ago He would talk to some people."

Me: "I thought you said He was a philanthropist. What sort of philanthropist kicks the shit out of people just because they're different?"

Mary: "It's what Hank wants, and Hank's always right."

Me: "How do you figure that?"

Mary: "Item 7 says 'Everything Hank says is right.' That's good enough for me!"

Me: "Maybe your friend Karl just made the whole thing up."

John: "No way! Item 5 says 'Hank dictated this list himself.' Besides, item 2 says 'Use alcohol in moderation,' Item 4 says 'Eat right,' and item 8 says 'Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.' Everyone knows those things are right, so the rest must be true, too."

Me: "But 9 says 'Don't use alcohol.' which doesn't quite go with item 2, and 6 says 'The moon is made of green cheese,' which is just plain wrong."

John: "There's no contradiction between 9 and 2, 9 just clarifies 2. As far as 6 goes, you've never been to the moon, so you can't say for sure."

Me: "Scientists have pretty firmly established that the moon is made of rock..."

Mary: "But they don't know if the rock came from the Earth, or from out of space, so it could just as easily be green cheese."

Me: "I'm not really an expert, but I think the theory that the Moon was somehow 'captured' by the Earth has been discounted*. Besides, not knowing where the rock came from doesn't make it cheese."

John: "Ha! You just admitted that scientists make mistakes, but we know Hank is always right!"

Me: "We do?"

Mary: "Of course we do, Item 7 says so."

Me: "You're saying Hank's always right because the list says so, the list is right because Hank dictated it, and we know that Hank dictated it because the list says so. That's circular logic, no different than saying 'Hank's right because He says He's right.'"

John: "Now you're getting it! It's so rewarding to see someone come around to Hank's way of thinking."

Me: "But...oh, never mind. What's the deal with wieners?"

Mary: She blushes.

John: "Wieners, in buns, no condiments. It's Hank's way. Anything else is wrong."

Me: "What if I don't have a bun?"

John: "No bun, no wiener. A wiener without a bun is wrong."

Me: "No relish? No Mustard?"

Mary: She looks positively stricken.

John: He's shouting. "There's no need for such language! Condiments of any kind are wrong!"

Me: "So a big pile of sauerkraut with some wieners chopped up in it would be out of the question?"

Mary: Sticks her fingers in her ears."I am not listening to this. La la la, la la, la la la."

John: "That's disgusting. Only some sort of evil deviant would eat that..."

Me: "It's good! I eat it all the time."

Mary: She faints.

John: He catches Mary. "Well, if I'd known you were one of those I wouldn't have wasted my time. When Hank kicks the shit out of you I'll be there, counting my money and laughing. I'll kiss Hank's ass for you, you bunless cut-wienered kraut-eater."

With this, John dragged Mary to their waiting car, and sped off.
(reply to this comment
From AndyH
Wednesday, May 31, 2006, 10:59

HAHAHAHAHA! Fucking Brilliant, I love it. Thank you helpful stranger.(reply to this comment
From Haunted
Wednesday, May 31, 2006, 10:32

I have the same problem! It's like they think I should be working instead of surfing the net! Damn the man!(reply to this comment
From AndyH
Wednesday, May 31, 2006, 10:39

I know! They really need to rethink their priorities. (reply to this comment
from jack420
Tuesday, May 30, 2006 - 23:36

Directed by my homie at:
(reply to this comment)

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