from Samuel - Tuesday, December 20, 2005
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In the last segment of this story, Peter and Maria with the home to increase funds, but ended up having a really bad day and collecting almost nothing. They decided to throw in the towel and go wait in the coffee shop until everyone else is done. And this is where we find them for Part 3.
“Praise the Lord for such wonderful coffee! What is this called?”, Maria asked, as they sat in the Starbuck’s Café drinking two glasses of coffee.
“It’s called Starbucks, Mama. It has a taste of cinnamon syrup in it.”
“Yes, it sure does. It’s so delicious- we should come here more often.”
“Well when you think about it, if we sit here and observe everyone witnessing, then the leaders who would usually do this are free to witness themselves. That means more money- and we sure could use that right about now. We might have to get used to this- I don’t know if things are going to get better any time soon ”
“Oh Lord! Ten months after Ricky tries to kill me, and they’re still doing shows about it? These people need to get a life, leave us alone. You know what I mean?”
“Yes, yes. What bothers me though is I saw some of those nude videos for the first time on the show the other day. All these years, Father David was hiding this beautiful homemade pornography from me. It just goes to show you who selfish and self serving he was.”
“So, what do we do now?”, Maria asked
“Well, Desire went out to witness as we took her place, and she left her computer here. Maybe I could catch up on answering some of my e-mails.”
“Great! Please read them to me.”, Maria replied.
Peter lifted the laptop computer up to the table, and drank a few sips of coffee while waiting to log on to the internet. Maria started laughing.
“What’s so funny?”, Peter asked.
“I was just thinking about last year when we put the entire nation of Brazil on probation, and made them do without internet access.”
Peter laughed. “Yeah, that was funny. What wasn’t funny though, was the mass exodus of Family members in South America leaving.”
“That was Jeremiah Prophet’s idea. Jeremiah Prophet seems to give us a lot of bad advice”
“Okay, Mama, this letter comes from a sister in California. Her name is Crystal H. and she is wondering if she should still be worried about California falling into the sea. She says this was supposed to happen decades ago, but she understands that ‘with God a day is like a thousand years and a thousand years is like a day.’ She wants to stay in California and do the Lord’s work. And she says she’s been obedient and hasn’t been reading the newspaper articles about Davidito, like you said to do.”
“Wow, a thousand years is like a day, good one. Why didn’t we think of that? Just tell her that there is no reason to be concerned about California falling into the sea, and she should stay there.”
“Very good. This next one comes from Abishag in Yorkshire, England. She says that she has been vigilantly fighting herpes for over a year now. She is wondering if we could receive a prophecy for her about how to get rid of STD’s. She says that everyone currently in the home has herpes, so she continues to shag as she pleases.”
“Well, that’s great that she can still share with all the brethren in the home.”
“Yeah, and it sure would be nice to get a prophecy to help get rid of an STD. Perhaps we should tell her though that she is very weak in the spirit, otherwise she would have received said prophecy herself.”
“Good thinking, it helps to keep these members humble.”
Peter pulled a pen out of his can, and picked up a napkin. “Let’s make a list. So far we have to ask for prophecies regarding which category Jim LaMattery fits into, and about how to get rid of STD’s. Anything else?”
“Maybe if Jesus could reveal the secret Starbuck’s uses to make such wonderful coffee. That would be nice. Hey, chances are whatever country they get their beans from, we already have missionaries on the ground there.”
“What an idea, we could make a ton of money!”, Peter exclaimed as he wrote the new idea down on the napkin as well.
“ And then we could even sell our posters inside the stores. You know what? We’d be a financial power!”
Peter kissed Maria on the cheek. “Oh, you are the greatest! And to think, we doubted.”
“Of course I’m the greatest, I’m the wisest since Solomon. Remember that prophecy?”
“Actually, sweetheart, the prophecy about being the wisest since Solomon was given about me.”
“Oh, but I get something for being your mentor, don’t I?”, Maria asked
“Mentor? Ha! Everything I’ve learned, I learned from dear Father David. I stick around to take care of you, make sure you have what you need, make sure you don’t get run over by cars when you go out witnessing, make sure you remember to put batteries into your Dictaphone before you start talking into it.”
“Yes, and you’re so good at that, Peter. You take such good care of me.”, Maria cooed.
Peter returned again to the computer. “This next one comes from Crystal S. in New Jersey, she has a prophecy for you.”
“For me? That’s great!”
“The prophecy says ‘My dearest one, you will always be protected from every device of the Romans and the evil ones. It’s so nice to be able to make sweet love to you, and to know that you expect nothing in return. Most women expect at least the cab fare to get home, but that is not a problem with you. Most women expect diamonds, watches, expensive dinners out, perfumes, but I know that you are not vain as they are. Please know that you are always dear to my heart, and that even if you are brought before the Romans and the authorities for the many crimes that you have committed, you can count on conjugal visits from me. You, my love, are my special nymphomaniac. Thanks again for last night. Your sweet lover, Jesus. ’”
Peter looked up from the screen to see Maria sweating and moaning, moving her lower body in a slow, circular motion in her chair “Oh yes, I want it. Give it to me, Jesus, I want it! I’m crying out for it! I want your sweet golden seeds to fill me until I’m…”
“Maria, we can’t do that here.”, Peter interrupted.
Maria stopped. “Well, why not?”
“Because we’re in public! We’re in a coffee shop, people are going to think we’re nuts!”
“Well who cares what the damned system thinks anyway?! I want to masturbate to Jesus and I want to do it right here and now! You don’t understand, a woman needs these things once she gets my age.”
“Okay, so why don’t you at least go do it in the bathroom? Remember, even though we are free, we cannot be totally free, because we live in a world that is not free. And nothing in this world is free. That’s why we need money, and your masturbating to Jesus in public is not going to help. ”
“Okay, okay. I’ll be right back.”, Maria said as she picked up her lit pouch.
“Sweetheart, that’s not your purse.”, Peter replied. But Maria wouldn’t listen, she just walked away. Peter sat at his chair sipping his cappuccino, but was in for a surprise when he looked up from his computer to find Maria standing behind the coffee counter.”
“Hey, is this woman with you?”, a man from behind the counter said.
“That would be correct sir”, Peter replied. “She means no harm, she’s blind.”
“I don’t care if she’s blind or not, I can’t have her behind the counter, especially not in this state.”
Peter then walked up to the counter to find Maria with her pants off, sitting on the floor.
“Maria, what are you doing?”
“I’m making love to Jesus”, Maria replied. “And you really shouldn’t be in here. But that’s what I like about you, you’re not bound by the laws of man.”
Peter blushed. “That’s great, Maria, but we can’t do that here. Let me guide you to the bathroom.”
“But I’m IN the bathroom! Oh, never mind, I’m done anyway.”
“I’m terribly sorry, sir.”, Peter replied as Maria put her pants back on, and Peter guided her out from behind the counter.
Peter and Maria walked back to their chairs. “I think I see the police outside. We might get persecuted over this.” The two waited until the police officer reached out of his car to pick up a box and coffee holder, paid for his order, and drove away.
“Read some more to me. See if you can find another spicy prophecy like that last one.”, Maria requested.
“This next one is from Crystal B. at the home in Sao Paolo, Brazil. She says that since the probation period, their home has had a breaking.”
“Oh God, that’s terrible! Did they lose anything of value?”
“No Maria. I said a breaking- not a break in. You know, as in a spiritual breaking. ”
“Wonderful! It always helps to keep your followers humble and broken.”
“Crystal B. says that since disciples usually change their Bible names after they’ve had a breaking, they’ve thought about changing the name of the home since the whole home has had a breaking. Some ideas for new names are “Shangri La”, and “Jia Ching”.
“I personally like Shangri La better, the lost paradise.”, Maria commented
“Great, we’ll see what Jesus thinks of it.”, Peter answered. “This next e-mail comes from Crystal B. in Cambodia. She says she constantly has arguments with her shepherds about how many purification tablets to put into the tap water before it is safe to drink.”
Maria gasped “Good Heavens, who is this demon possessed woman? She argues with her shepherds? What a b---h!”
“Yes, and constantly, she adds.”
Maria jaw dropped to the floor. “It’s as is she’s proud of it. She’s rubbing it in our faces! There are very few demons that would actually be that bold!”
“Crystal B. says she should use two, as the instructions on the box say. Her shepherd says that the instructions on the box were obviously written by a systemite, as only a systemite would be so wasteful as to use two tablets when one will do just fine.”
“First of all”, Maria answered, “This woman is clearly not fit to be on the mission field! She needs to be excommunicated right away! It is apparent that she does not have enough faith, as the Bible clearly says ‘If they drink any deadly thing, including polluted water, it shall not hurt them.’ If she does not have the faith to simply believe the promises of God and the prophecies of his wine taster, than God has no use for her! She needs to be excommunicated right away!”
“Amen, I’ll be sure to take care of that for you, Mama.”, Peter said. As he closed the e-mail, he looked up to see a van parking in the parking lot. “Hey, I think the kids are done witnessing now.”
“All right! I can’t wait to go home.”, Maria sighed.
To be continued….