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Getting Through : Lighten Up

Peter and Maria go witnessing - Part 1!

from Samuel - Monday, October 10, 2005
accessed 1809 times

Who can forget hawking posters and gospel tracts on the street corners for donations? When I think about the very few times that I had to go witnessing, I feel sorry for other people in The Family that had to do it on a regular basis. Now, a few years ago a letter came out mentioning a witnessing trip that Karen and Steve went on. I'm sure it was probably just a show for Family members that the leaders go through the same things you go through (minus the exorcisms, teen training, beatings, ecc). With all the young people- who were always the best at raising funds through this method- leaving The Family, I wonder if things will ever get this bad. For the time being, enjoy!

Mama Maria was sitting in a chair in her dark room when a voice came on over the intercom. It was Sunshine, Maria’s newest addition to the house. Sunshine’s job was to screen all the calls that came into Mama’s house, and report any security threats to Big John.

“Good morning, sweet Mama. King Peter is on the phone, shall I connect you with him?”

“Yes, Sunshine. Please do, we have some important things to talk about. What a terrible show they had the other day on Dr. Phil, huh?”

Sunshine laughed. “Please, Mama. You know I have better things to do with my time than watch a silly TV show- Like win the world for Jesus!”

“Very good, honey, that was a trick question. And of course you know with my condition, I can’t watch anything. I can’t even read, it’s like I got my education at Heavenly City School or something!”, Maria replied.

“Bye, Mama, I love you.”, Sunshine finished.

A moment later, the phone rang. Maria picked up the phone. “Hi, Peter. What’s up?”

“Hi, honey. Did you sleep well last night?”

“No, I didn’t sleep with Will, I slept with Big Josh. I think it was Abishag’s turn to sleep with Will.”, Maria answered.

“No, Mama. I didn’t ask if you slept with Will, I asked if you slept well.”

“Oh my, my hearing’s starting to go too. Yes, I did sleep very well last night. No thanks to that idiot Dr. Phil.”

“Don’t worry about him. We’re putting him on our next list of people to pray against, him AND Jim LaMattery.”

“What about defending The Family in the media? Claire simply didn’t do enough.”

“We already have our kids working on that. They’re posting article after article after article to Thinking back though, I sure wish we’d thought to give these kids an education. The way they write: spelling mistakes, incorrect grammar, incomplete sentences, illogical arguments, you can tell they’re not very smart.”

“It’s not our fault. We thought Jesus was going to be back by 1993. We all have our inconveniences because our Lord has tarried. I never thought my eyes would go out on me like they have. I should be in a yacht right now sailing with Jesus on the Magic River of Life, making sweet love to him. And I’m sure you were never expecting your back problems. How’s your penis doing, by the way?”

“Oh, it’s actually getting better. The doctor gave me this anti-fungal cream to use. That won’t get rid of the STD though, so we’re going to leave my penis on the prayer list for the time being. The reason why I called you, honey, is because Miguel at FCF just sent us all the money for this month, and it’s bad news. I thought FCF was going to kick in since so many people are leaving The Family these days, but it turns out FCF isn’t doing very well either. If things keep up as they are, we might not be able to last much longer.”

“So what does that mean? And who’s Miguel?”

“You see, Mama, the FBI is investigating FCF, and all the bad press and investigations are making the leaders leave the country for Mexico.”

“What about Grant Montgomery?”, Maria asked.

“He’s also in Mexico.”

Maria gasped, “Even Grant? My beloved Grant? My God, this is serious!”

“Miguel is the only one who could stay”, Peter continued. “All he does is clean the offices.”

“Didn’t God just send Hurricane Stan to Mexico? Whoa, just one look at one of those Hurricanes ought to make one afraid to go against God. But God’s sending this Hurricane to remind Grant of what he should be doing. He needs to stay on the wall, keep his hands on the plow, and go back to California where he is so needed. He needs to get…”

And Maria started to sing…
“Back on track,
No more slack!
I think I’ve found a new adventure!
Back on track,
No more slack!
We’re fighting for The Family and our future!
Oh, our future.”

Peter laughed heartily. “Sweet Mama, it makes me so horny when you sing songs from the FTT’s to me.”

“FTT? I thought we were talking about FCF.”

“No, honey. The FTT is Family Teen Tapes, that’s what you were singing. FCF is Family Care Foundation, they’re the ones who are sending us all the money we’re using right now.”

“What about FBI? Who’s that? We have so many acronyms in The Family, it’s starting to drive me nuts!”

“They’re the police, the Romans.”

“Damn the Romans! Beware, lest ye be known to fight against the Keys! I mean, Jesus speaking! I mean, God!”

“Amen. But I’m afraid that if we intend to survive, we’re all going to have to go out on a witnessing trip.”

“Oh, that’s horrible! You mean I’m going to have to stay here in the dark with nobody to look after me?”

“Not exactly, honey. You’ll be with us.”

“Oh my goodness! Okay, this is nothing major. I have to calm down. I’ve done witnessing before.”

“That’s right, we did it together a few years ago. Remember all the fun we had? So please let everyone know that we’re going out witnessing on Saturday. And if everyone sells 200 posters each, we’ll have a special treat on movie night.”
Maria cackled with glee. “Ooo, a special treat? What is it? What is it?”

“Kettle style popcorn, buttered and sweetened. It expired six months ago, but don’t tell anyone that.”

“Oh, I won’t. You can trust me.”

To Be Continued...

Reader's comments on this article

Add a new comment on this article

from Phoenixkidd
Tuesday, October 11, 2005 - 16:33


Phuckin Hillarious!! THat one just about went over the gamma of all wierdness in the cult, starting of course at the top leadership, they were definitely the one's most of their rockers---Well rock your way to never never culty sleepers!!
(reply to this comment)

from SeanSwede
Tuesday, October 11, 2005 - 09:39

Very funny. All of that stuff that you wrote about really brings back memories.
(reply to this comment)
from booger
Monday, October 10, 2005 - 20:55



You missed your calling. You should have been a writer! Funny stuff...

Can't wait for the next installment

(reply to this comment)

From Samuel
Tuesday, October 11, 2005, 06:56


The second installment just needs a few little tweeks. I guess I'm starting to second guess myself. I wrote it as one story, but I decided it would be funnier and have more suspense if I did it as an installment. I know when I'm on this site, I usually find myself skipping most of the long articles.

God willing, the second installment will be availablew tomorrow.(reply to this comment

From from a guy with a short attention span
Tuesday, October 11, 2005, 14:03

I am the exact same way, long articles are boring(reply to this comment
from mia1
Monday, October 10, 2005 - 16:49

Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5(Agree/Disagree?)
funny....funny...weird..but funny!
(reply to this comment)

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