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Getting Through : Lighten Up

Mega Prophecy - Jesus Farts!!!

from Benz - Friday, September 30, 2005
accessed 1940 times

Dear Ones,

Shibidde yibbadee ayejeustateapieeceooorfshhhhiiieeteee ee hee, Praise the god damm lored.

Well folks guess what, I just received a Mega prophecy. What makes a prophecy a “Mega” prophecy you ask? - Well this is THE prophecy of prophecies from the king of kings, THIS is IT. I really shouldn’t have to quote verses or give you examples showing the validity of my Mega-prophecy because you should just RECOGNISE mofo ok, but anyways because I am more patient than jebus I will any how, so here she goes:

Basically I received this Mega-prophecy the other day while attending to urgent business on a clap-trappin crapper (public toilet). Yes people, I heard god’s voice in the garden of bacteria and syphilis but unlike adam I was not afraid because I was semi-naked, and I did not hide myself (after all I was already in the cubicle, where else could I go)!!! God had trapped me into receiving his Mega-prophecy, and had chosen me as his Mega-prophet.

Only, god’s voice was not emanating from my mouth (or anywhere on my face), but from my anus. - So I responded to god in like manner… which he replied…..and I replied again with all manner of inflections, exclamations, sighs, reassuring affirmations & so on through out the course of what became a marathon 5 hour Mega-prophecy session.

As a good little god-whore always does, I had my dictaphone with me and took down all of what our loving husbandie had to say. But for some reason when I tried to play it back to my friends they couldn’t hear the beautiful Mega-prophecy like I had. - I thought, what a shame! If only they could believe in fart-prophecies like the little kid in the Polar Express who learns to believe in Santa and can then hear the sleigh-bells.

So that’s why I’m here everyone, to tell you how god and jebus want you to communicate with him from now on. Never mind the furious rubbing of your genetalia and imagining jebus’ golden seeds, from now what god has said in this Mega-prophecy is this: EVERY FART IS A PRAYER TO JEBUS OR A PROPHECY FROM JEBUS. - Neat huh?… this is so neat, neat neat neat neat……and coool, cool cool cool cool cool - This is our own two way communication with jebus.

Now folks I know that some of you are going to have a hard time accepting this new wine, and truly breathing in this new revolution but jebus wanted me to point out that he has ALWAYS been trying to put us on this path, but he just needed an “open channel”. I’ll give you some examples of how jebus wants you to think from now on:

- Jebus says our prayers are like sweet smelling flowers to him. Now because we know that our farts are sweet smelling to jebus we need to realise that this is how jebus wants us to smell all the time.

- Whenever someone farts we need to take it as a message from jebus (or, depending on the smell, texture, accents, possibly a spirit-helper). - So, it’s a prophecy from jebus or a prayer to jebus.

- If you ever hear a “non-believer” fart, that is your que to take out your little “soul book” and mark that person down as a soul won. - Why you ask (you Judas disbeliever)? - I’ll tell you why, god dammit, because that person has just said a prayer to jebus, and we all know that means automatic entry to heaven. - OK, good enough for you??

- Now since everyone farts approximately 14 -16 times a day (yes this is an equal statistic for boys and girls), we are officially more devout than Muslims who only pray 5 times a day. So everyone we can be SO PROUD that we are the most sold out, revolutionary, devout, fanatical, fervent religious organisation in the world.

Now people, I’m sure you thought that was all to this marvellous, wonderful, fantastic, super Mega-prophecy, but no, jebus has as always saved the best for last:

The “Atomic Bomb of Prophecy”, yes people, dear old Stephen Schaff aka David Branch was my John the Baptist, preparing the way for the Mega-prophecy. But, sorry he is not THE anointed, rather he is the reincarnation of John the Baptist, and that’s why I received my Mega-prophecy in the John…PTL, and whoopee dooo.

Yes, well, back to the subject, the “Atomic Bomb of Prophecy” is really a “Dirty Bomb”. - You see if everyone believes in getting these new anal prophecies and opens themselves to being open channels, what this means is that when jebus CC’s everyone in on his group-prophecy and everyone opens the spiritual email, well, you can imagine the carnage. - Every saved person who is an open-channel to anal prophecies going off all at once. - THAT my friends is the ATOMIC DIRTY BOMB OF PROPHECY, and the children of bog are going to stink all those unbelievers out….PTL, TYF***ingJ!

In closing everyone, its time to open up and let loose with the new revolution of anal prophecy, so…..HAPPY FARTING!!!!!!

(say it with me, Mega-prophecy, MEga-prophecy, MEGa-prophecy, MEGA-prophecy - that’s better).

Reader's comments on this article

Add a new comment on this article

from openmind
Tuesday, October 31, 2006 - 01:03

That was funny! I especially like the toungues intro
(reply to this comment)
from mugthebug
Saturday, October 08, 2005 - 20:52

wow reading this made me never want to fart again much less take a dump
(reply to this comment)
from ErikMagnusLehnsher
Saturday, October 01, 2005 - 03:20


LOL. I suppose one who evangelized using the new tools would engage in crop-dusting.
(reply to this comment)

Friday, September 30, 2005 - 22:42

You might enjoy "Running With Scissors." That family, instead of tea leaves, would read [spoiler deleted]!
(reply to this comment)

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