Getting Through : Lighten Up
The REAL story of "The Umbrella Story Komik"
from Samuel - Wednesday, September 21, 2005
accessed 2714 times
"The Umbrella Story", or whatever name the cult gave it, was published several times in different " 'True' Komix" Supposedly, an atheist psychologist got into an arguement with Berg years ago, on a train in London. Berg's thinking of course was that anyone who disagreed with him was a devil, or possessed by one. According to the story, Berg said a prayer, and violently lowered his umbrella to the floor, which sent the psychologist off the train in fright.
Just as I did a satire of "The Amazing Cat", I will satire this story as well.
It was a cold rainy night in England, and as the train was making its last voyage for the night, a young psychologist sat in his seat reading a book. In a duffle bag next to him were the other books for the classes he was taking at the University to receive his Masters in Psychology. Suddenly David Berg and his mistress Maria came in through the car door, and sat down in the seats across from him. Berg wore an old , worn out light brown shirt with flowers on it, as he liked to give the impression of the poor, humble servant of God. In his hand was a long umbrella. Maria wore a skirt and short blouse, and sported dark glasses. She also wore no bra underneath her blouse to give the “revolutionary woman/ God’s whore” impression. Maria put a shopping bag down on the floor.
The psychologist looked up from his reading to see the young woman smiling at him. She had the ever seductive look of love in her eyes, but this was rather offset by her buck teeth, which were not attractive in the least. “ Hello.”, she cooed.
“ Hi.”, the psychologist replied. He placed a bookmark into his text book, and closed it.
“ I’m Maria”. David “the love prophet” Berg began to reach across her and try to grab the bag from Maria. She gently held his hand back. “Not right now, Dad.”, she said.
“Oh, so that’s your Dad?”, the psychologist asked.
“Actually no, but all his followers call him Dad.”
The psychologist thought for a moment. “Followers. So you’re a teacher, aren’t you?”, the psychologist asked, looking at Berg.
“Not only that, I’m the End time prophet of God, the mouthpiece of God himself. And Maria is my faithful secretary.”, Berg said, looking lustfully at Maria.
Maria blushed. “You see, his wife was a real b%&#h! So God told him to dispose of his former wife, and go with me instead.”
“So God speaks directly to him?”, the psychologist asked.
“Oh yes.”, Maria replied.
“But he seems to contradict himself.”, the psychologist noted.
Berg’s eyebrows shot up. “How so?” he asked.
“I am not a deeply religious man, but I am familiar with scripture enough to know that if a man leaves his wife without divorcing her, and ‘goes with’ another, he commits adultery. However, if things are as you say they are, God has not only given you permission, but has gone as far as telling you to do this. By doing so you commit adultery.”
“But you see, it was an illustration of how God was forsaking the godless church, and taking us as his new wife”, David Berg explained. “We have been kicked out of churches, we’ve been persecuted, spat upon, discriminated against, lied about in the media, everything you can think of. All by a Godless church system which has forsaken its only savior.”
“You?” the psychologist asked, a puzzled look on his face.
“Wow! I was talking about Jesus, but yes, they’ve done the same to me! I am their savior; I have built the asbestos ark! What a revelation! Hallelujah! TYJ! PTL! MGBYAKYAMYAB! Hal! GBY! ILY! MGBYAKYI JN!”
As Berg got up from his seat ranting and waving his umbrella in the air, Maria moved closer. “You seem very intelligent. What do you do for a living?”
“I am a psychologist”, the psychologist replied.
While David Berg would later tell his followers that the psychologist let out a demonic laugh after announcing that he was a psychologist, it was actually Maria that let out the demonic laugh as she thought of all the money he might bring in, and all the scholarly papers he could write praising the Children of God. “I’m going to bring home a BIG catch tonight”, she said to herself. Maria placed the psychologist’s duffle bag on the floor, and sat down in the seat next to him. She put her arm around him. “A lot of people have a hard time believing that David is a prophet when they first meet him. Maybe it would help if I shared the love of God with you.”
“What are you talking about?” the psychologist said.
“Well, we believe that the Lord has given us great liberty. And one of my favorite liberties that the Lord has given us is sexual freedom.”
“Oh, of course, that would explain why this prophet just walks from one wife to another as he pleases.” the psychologist said sarcastically.
“Yes, but that can also work to your advantage.” Maria explained. “Especially since psychologists are in high demand in our communities, you could just about have every woman you want.”
The psychologist pondered this for a moment as he watched Berg, who had opened Maria’s shopping bag and found the Cyprus Cream Sherry he was looking for. He had read a little about the Children of God in the newspaper, and this group would make a great topic for his Masters Thesis. And here were the two leaders of the group, in the same room with him. Maria got up and walked over to her husband.
“Honey, put that away. I’m trying to make a new convert here, and if you start prophesying that’s NOT going to help.” Maria scolded.
“It’s too late, now!” Berg said as he danced around the car. Maria took the bottle of sherry out of his hand, and walked him back to his seat. “Ahh…I feel so much better now.”
“What exactly were you doing?” the psychologist asked.
Maria covered her face in shame as a familiar Gypsy accent came out of her husband’s mouth. “No more Turks. Turks, they bad people. While lying in my bed, they cut off my head. My body go down, but my spirit?. No, Abrahim’s spirit go up, up up! Up into Heaven! Where you can drink all the liquor you want out of golden goblets. And no bad women like Maria to take wine away from you, or refuse to get up- to get you more! You know what this woman try to do to me last night? She say we have no more wine.” And just like that, Berg’s voice returned to normal. “Don’t you try to fool me honey, not with all the spirit helpers I have helping me from the spirit world.”
“Who the hell is Abrahim? You say you have spirit helpers?”, the psychologist laughed.
“Now, this may take a little explanation.”, Maria started. “We don’t usually introduce the spirit helpers until someone has been in the group for six months. It’s actually nothing unusual, we just believe that God brings people from the spirit world that are dead, to help those of us who are still on Earth.”
“That’s right. I have Pied Piper, Merlin, Don Quixote…who else? Oh yeah, that grandfather figure from the story of ‘Heidi’.”
“A children’s book? All those people are fictional characters!”
Maria turned red as a beet. She got up and stood between the two men. “You don’t understand!”
David Berg stood up “Oh, I understand completely! The Devil himself has sent you to instill doubts in the hearts of the Children of God, the witnesses of this last generation! You want to know what I think of your psychological clap trap? Psychology is a device of the Jews to control the World!”
David “The Love Prophet” Berg continued. “The disciples may have been wrong when they said Jesus was the prophet of Deuteronomy 18, but James was right about a lot of other things. And he was right when he said ‘Submit yourselves therefore to God, resist the Devil, and he will flee from you!’” And with that David Berg raised the umbrella in his hand, and lowered it with a loud boom for emphasis, just inches away from the psychologist’s foot.
“Now, just where do you get off trying to jab people with umbrellas?”, the psychologist demanded.
Maria put her arm around Berg’s shoulder. “Perhaps the better question would be ‘Where don’t you get off?’” Both Maria and David Berg laughed heartily.
The psychologist groaned, and rolled his eyes at the couple.
“The system, they think that masturbation is a sin.”, David Berg began. “But let me tell you something. The Bible never says that masturbation is a sin, and even if it did it would probably be in the Mosaic Law that Jesus has liberated us from.”
“You mean like- Don’t commit adultery, don’t steal, don’t bear false witness?”
“Right. The system believes that God killed Onan because he masturbated. Onan didn’t want to produce offspring with his brother’s wife, because he didn’t want to have to share the inheritance. So he spilled his juice on the ground. You see…”
Berg winked at his mistress, and they both broke out into song.
“He wanted the inheritance for himself,
and he didn’t want to share it with anyone else,
Not even God!
So he lost everything in the end!”
The psychologist was still in shock when Berg added. “By the way, it was probably very good for the ground too because semen is just vitamins and some minerals. It’s nothing bad for you.”
Maria nodded. “It’s good for your hair too.” she added. The psychologist smiled. “I can’t believe guys are still using that line on women.”
“But anyway,” Berg continued, “Onan spilled his semen on the ground, and God slew him for it! And to this day people still refer to Onan as ‘Onan the Barbarian’. And these people that think masturbation is wrong- God’s going to slay them too!
“I believe that’s Conan the Barbarian, you nutcase!”, the psychologist fumed.
“That’s the problem with you systemites!”, Berg exclaimed. Maria’s heart skipped a beat and her jaw dropped. “And that’s why God can’t use the old church. The old church, they’re afraid to break their bottles! Well, guess what? God tests his children to see who’s willing to become a new bottle, and who’ll stay an old bottle! And who’ll stay an old hag- like my ex- wife! Ha!”
It was then that Berg did something he never thought he would do. He picked up the two bottles of sherry, and threw them on the ground at the psychologist’s feet, shattering them to pieces. “There, I’m a new bottle- and I’m not afraid to break my old bottles!”
Maria rose up. “Do you realize what you just did? Those were the only bottles of wine we had.”
“No! No, it can’t be! It aint so!”
“Oh yes it is, so how are you going to prophecy tonight, huh? Remember the letters we have to write? Maybe you should have thought of that before you threw the f&%#ing bottles! Now we’ll have to wait until tomorrow night when Alf brings home the wine we asked for.”
“But there’s still time. We could get off the train, buy more wine, and take a taxi home. The liquor stores close at 10, it’s 9:30 now.”
“Right.” Maria answered. Then she turned to the psychologist. “Do you know where this train stops next?”
The psychologist frowned. “It stops in ten minutes in…”
“No time for that- we have to get off now!” Berg said as he opened the car door and jumped from the moving train
“Honey, no! Wait for me!”, Maria called out. “Oh God, if he’s alone and he starts prophesying out there he’s really going to be in trouble.” Maria pulled a tract out of her purse and ran for the door. “Here’s something for you to read sir, Jesus loves you! Oh, and you can write us at the address on the back- it’s a safe drop box in Switzerland. No need to give a donation. Bye!” And with that, she too opened the door and jumped from the moving train. The psychologist got up to look out the window, and laughed to see Maria and the cult leader brushing dirt from their clothes as they yelled at each other.
And quite thankfully, that was the last the psychologist ever heard of David Berg, or his mistress Maria, or the Children of God for that matter.
Reader's comments on this article
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|from Rain Child|
Friday, December 15, 2006 - 15:20
Thank you, thank you, thank you! You've given my my side-splitting, gut-busting, belly laugh of the week. I've thought about this story and how it couldn't possibly have happened that way...I did think you would end with the pschologist running away in horror as ay self-respecting person would, but M&M jumping out of a moving train works for me.
(reply to this comment)
Thursday, September 22, 2005 - 09:21
Wasn't that Mo Letter called "The Shepherd's Crook?" The title is one letter short of being quite true. The Shepherd's a Crook!
Remember that song "the Devil turned tail and rose to his feet and out the door he dashed". With that attitude toward psychologists taught to us, no wonder mental health workers have had such a hard time discerning from kids in the group if they were abused.
I wonder if Lilliston knows how they really feel about psychologists ;-)
(reply to this comment)
| From Samuel|
Thursday, September 22, 2005, 18:41
Could it possibly have been titled "The Shepherd's CROCK"?
The problem with your last arguement, a very good one at that, is that The Family has gotten quite good and explaining things away as "That's in the past". This would no doubt be their explanation if Lilliston were to confront them on their views about psychology and psychologists in general. Watch out, Family-mites! Maria and Peter may soon have to ask you to purge "The Protcols of the (Un)Learned Elders of Zion" out of your Daily Breads.
Which means if they want to learn more about the forged protcols of the "Elders of Zion", they'll have to visit an Islamic school in the Middle East where they make children learn this junk.
So childrene ducated in The Family can know that the education they recieved was not that different from the education recieved by their counterparts in the Middle East.(reply to this comment)
|from good idea, but...|
Thursday, September 22, 2005 - 00:58
I've thought of doing something along these lines with this story, but I think this one went OTT. There's no need to flesh out the story of a lone psychologist catching the last Tube only to find his sole travelling companions in the carriage are a pair of hippy wannabes, the older one of whom takes to smashing his umbrella on the carriage floor while sending him a creepy glare and muttering something entirely incoherent under his breath. Is it really that surprising the guy bolted to save his life?
(reply to this comment)
| From Lance|
Thursday, September 22, 2005, 01:47
Yeah I actually wrote a short story first person narrative about that psychologist. The only real conversation he supposedly had with them was an exchange of career information and then suddenly Berg goes whacko. It makes for some great imagery and is kind of interesting when told from his perspective, although a fictional one. I mean the only thing the protagonist is guilty of is having a cheap punch line. And when you really think about it, berg wasn't a teacher so in fact the shrink got it wrong.
I wonder what berg would have said if shrink had ask him if he was a pedophile?
And yes, any sane person would've bolted for the door when berg started trying to hammer at their toes with the pointed end of an umbrella while staring at them with Marshel Applewhite eyes and rebuking them in the name of jesus.
As stories go I thought it was and is a tremendous image of religion versus skepticism; two people sitting across from each other while the fanatic whales nonsensical incantations on an unsuspecting and innocent spectator, who is himself more qualified to make rational judgements on all levels yet has very little or no power in the face of such idiotic rambling.(reply to this comment)
| From Samuel|
Thursday, September 22, 2005, 05:12
Yes, any sane person probably would have bolted for the door, but if I had had the psychologist do that, then there wouldn't have been any basis for the joke of "Where do you get off...?". To which the horny couple answers, "Where DON'T we get off?". That led into the speech about masturbation (which David Berg gave on numerous occasions), and my favorite pun of all about Onan ( Conan ) the Barbarian.
I'm sure you realize that David Berg was fanatical because that was what he felt his followers wanted and would respond to. He was nonsensical not because he was religious, but because he wanted to PRETEND to be religious. Yes, the psychologist was able to make better rational judgements than the "prophet", but look at what kind of thinker David Berg was! Clearly it was a sinch for the psychologist.
Put him up against a REAL religious figure, someone who really knows their stuff, and I wonder how this discussion would have turned out.(reply to this comment)
| From Samuel|
Thursday, September 22, 2005, 18:26
No, I've never been on the train in London. But my mother tells me I rode a double decker bus once when I was very young.
That, by the way, was when we were poor and had to use the cheapest flight possible back to the States- and this one left us in London for a couple days. I'm just happy I was too young to remember it : o )
Of course, The Family of "Love" would say we should have taken that as a sign from God that he didn't want us going back to that wicked country that was on the verge of destruction by the USSR. : o )(reply to this comment)
| From Lance|
Thursday, September 22, 2005, 12:42
"Put him up against a REAL religious figure, someone who really knows their stuff, and I wonder how this discussion would have turned out."
What do you mean by "real religious figure"? Billy Graham? Pat Robertson?.. How about Dan Barker?(Dan barker is a former minister turned atheist).
I can't think of any so called religious figure who wouldn't be nonsensical and self contradictory when you break their argument down to it's finer points. I think some people don't realize that Berg had a lot in common with great evangelical ministers; after all, he was trained by them his whole life(i.e. Virginia Brandt, Jordan.). There is a really fine line between religious and insane. Yet it is only those who cross that line whom we deem charismatic cult leaders, anyone else can be president of the united states.(reply to this comment)
| From Ignatius Loyola|
Thursday, September 22, 2005, 13:50
"I can't think of any so called religious figure who wouldn't be nonsensical and self contradictory when you break their argument down to it's finer points."
You've obviously never met a Jesuit. The Catholic response to the Protestant Reformation (the branch of Christianity that gave us Berg & Robertson & Graham) produced a number of "real" religious figures--Christian intelligensia--who could argue circles around those backwoods, Bible-thumping yahoos. (reply to this comment)