Getting Through : Lighten Up
Dear red states...
from xolox - Wednesday, July 13, 2005
accessed 1204 times
From the blue states.
Dear Red States...
We've decided we're leaving. We intend to form our own country, and
we're taking the other Blue States with us.
In case you aren't aware, that includes Hawaii, Oregon,Washington,
Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast. We
believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially
to the people of the new country of New California.
To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states.
We get stem cell research and the best beaches. We get Elliot
Spitzer. You get Ken Lay.
We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Dollywood.
We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom.
We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss.
We get 85 percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You
We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make the red states
pay their fair share.
Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the
Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a
bunch of single moms.
Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and
anti-war, and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at
once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have
kids they're apparently willing to send to their deaths for no
purpose, and they don't care if you don't show pictures of their
children's caskets coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq, and
hope that the WMDs turn up, but we're not willing to spend our
resources in Bush's Quagmire.
With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percent
of the country's fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple
and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation's fresh fruit, 95 percent of
America's quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners)
90 percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most
of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and
condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools, plus Harvard, Yale,
Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.
With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88
percent of all obese Americans (and their projected health care
costs), 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the
tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern
Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh,
Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.
We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.
Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states believe Jonah was
actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent believe life is sacred
unless we're discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44 percent say
that evolution is only a theory, 53 percent that Saddam was involved
in 9/11 and 61 percent of you crazy b*****ds believe you are people
with higher morals then we lefties.
By the way, we're taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt
weed they grow in Mexico.
Reader's comments on this article
Add a new comment on this article
Friday, July 15, 2005 - 13:13
Ha!! Love it! Here's something I got in an email a long time ago:
Fuck The South:
Fuck the South. Fuck 'em. We should have let them go when they wanted to leave. But no, we had to kill half a million people so they'd stay part of our special Union. Fighting for the right to keep slaves - yeah, those are states we want to keep.
And now what do we get? We're the fucking Arrogant Northeast Liberal Elite? How about this for arrogant: the South is the Real America? The Authentic America. Really?
Cause we fucking founded this country, assholes. Those Founding Fathers you keep going on and on about? All that bullshit about what you think they meant by the Second Amendment giving you the right to keep your weapons in the glove compartment because you didn't bother to read the first half of the fucking sentance? Who do you think those wig-wearing lacy-shirt sporting revolutionaires were? They were fucking blue-staters, dickhead. Boston? Philadelphia? New York? Hello? Think there might be a reason all the fucking monuments are up here in our backyard?
No, No. Get the fuck out. We're not letting you visit the Liberty Bell and fucking Plymouth Rock anymore until you get over your real American selves and start respecting those other nine amendments. Who do you think those fucking stripes on the flag are for? Nine are for fucking blue states. And it would be 10 if those Vermonters had gotten their fucking Subarus together and broken off from New York a little earlier. Get it? We started this shit, so don't get all uppity about how real you are you Johnny-come-lately "Oooooh I've been a state for almost a hundred years!!"....dickheads. Fuck off.
Arrogant? You wanna talk about us Northeasterners being fucking arrogant? What's more American than arrogance? Hmmm? Maybe horsies? I don't think so. Arrogance is the fucking cornerstone of what it means to be American. And I wouldn't be so fucking arrogant if I wasn't paying for your fucking bridges, bitch.
All those Federal taxes you love to hate? It all comes from us and goes to you, so shut up and enjoy your fucking Tennesse Valley Authority electricity and your fancy highways that we paid for. And the next time Florida gets hit by a hurricane you can come crying to us if you want to, but you're the ones who built on a fucking swamp. "Let the Spanish keep it, itís a shithole," we said, but you had to have your fucking orange juice.
The next dickwad who says, "Itís your money, not the government's money" is gonna get their ass kicked. Nine of the ten states that get the most federal fucking dollars and pay the least... can you guess? Go on, guess. Thatís right, motherfucker, they're red states. And eight of the ten states that receive the least and pay the most? Itís too easy, asshole, theyíre blue states. Itís not your money, assholes, itís fucking our money. What was that Real American Value you were spouting a minute ago? Self reliance? Try this for self reliance: buy your own fucking stop signs, assholes.
Letís talk about those values for a fucking minute. You and your Southern values can bite my ass because the blue states got the values over you fucking Real Americans every day of the goddamn week. Which state do you think has the lowest divorce rate you marriage-hyping dickwads? Well? Can you guess? Itís fucking Massachusetts the fucking center of the gay marriage universe. Yes, thatís right, the state you love to tie around the neck of anyone to the left of Strom Thurmond has the lowest divorce rate in the fucking nation. Think thatís just some abberation? How about this: 9 of the 10 lowest divorce rates are fucking blue states, asshole, and most are in the Northeast, where our values suck so bad. And where are the highest divorce rates? Care to fucking guess? 10 of the top 10 are fucking red-ass we're-so-fucking-moral states. And while Nevada is the worst, the south is doing its fucking part.
But two guys making out is going to fucking ruin marriage for you? Yeah? Seems like you're ruining it pretty well on your own, you little bastards. Oh, but that's ok because you go to church, right? I mean you do, right? Cause we fucking get to hear about it every goddamn year at election time. Yes, we're fascinated by how you get up every Sunday morning and sing, and then you're fucking towers of moral superiority. Yeah, that's a workable formula. Maybe us fucking Northerners don't talk about religion as much as you because we're not so busy sinning, hmmm? Ever think of that, you self-righteous assholes? No, you're too busy erecting giant stone statues of the Ten Commandments in buildings paid for by the fucking Northeast Liberal Elite. And who has the highest murder rates in the nation? It ain't us up here in the North, assholes.
Well this gravy train is fucking over. Take your liberal-bashing, federal-tax-leaching, confederate-flag-waving, holier-than-thou, hypocritical bullshit and shove it up your ass.
And no, you can't have your fucking convention in New York next time. Fuck off.
(reply to this comment)
| From Samuel|
Wednesday, March 01, 2006, 20:01
Whoever wrote that e-mail should go back to school so he can learn how to communicate without cursing 46 times in only 11 paragraphs. I sure hope you reported this prick to your ISP. Who is he to talk about being arrogant? He's one of the most arrogant people I've heard from in a long while.
I am very proud to reside in the (barely) red state of Florida. I believe in state's rights. In Florida there is a ban on gay marriage, and I believe we have a right to keep it that way.(reply to this comment)
|from Ne Oublie|
Thursday, July 14, 2005 - 16:48
Maybe you'd like to try basing your secession on the following map - all of a sudden you're not getting that much of a cut, are you?
The fact of the matter is that big cities by definition attract lots of people - disproportionately skewed towards the lower classes, I might add - and have a small percentage of uber-wealthy whose earnings are so massively high that they raise the mean income levels all-round.
So, just because the Democrats may have won the cosmopolitan votes doesn't mean that the wealthy were actually voting for them.
(reply to this comment)
Thursday, July 14, 2005 - 11:19
(reply to this comment)
| From Phoenixkidd|
Thursday, July 14, 2005, 13:56
That was hillarious.. My my, it's just so ironic how the republicans preach but do not practice, for instance divorce rates, perserving life through stem cell research.. etc..God I hope they all could just split away from our progressive rich nation and be 2nd rate to us. I live in a Red State Arizona but Phoenix is very democratic. It's so crazy how a state can be ruled by a minority.(reply to this comment)
| From Samuel|
Wednesday, March 01, 2006, 20:14
Not a minority, man. Minority is when you don't have enough votes to make a difference in an election. According to your own words, Arizona is considered a red state- meaning more people vote Republican than Democrat, making them a majority. That's called Democracy! There are places in the world where you can have power over people just by being born into the right family, like Saudi Arabia. Or even The Family International for that matter.
Care to join? If not, enjoy your democracy here in the land of the free, and home of the brave. Maybe you can look into getting your blue friends to vote in the next election. Of course if there aren't many blue people in Arizona, you might have to move to California or New York. Or you can just learn to live with the cards you're dealt.
(reply to this comment)