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Getting Through : Lighten Up

The Word on the F word

from roughneck - Thursday, April 14, 2005
accessed 2282 times

For the love of fuck, don't read any further if you are easily offended. You have been warned. OK you asked for it... :)

Dear Family,

GBY! It has recently come to our attention that some Family Members find themselves unable to distinguish the difference between praising the Lord & prophesying using the new weapons and Hard-ware of the Spirit and just common system vulgarity. In order to put these misapprehensions aside, and to allow you to better "run the rat race that is set before you", we at WS have come up with what we hope is a semi-definitive list of what constitutes proper use of the word "Fuck."

Now, as we all know, systemites use this word to mean many different things apart from it's natural meaning of beautiful sexual intercourse, and have turned it into something vulgar and dirty. We hope this pub helps you young people especially to know the difference, and how to chew the good and eschew the evil.

As we all know, the word "Fuck" is only "pure" in the context of sexual intercourse between a man and a woman, or occasionally between a woman and a woman (beware of becoming a Keda Case(tm)!), or a woman and a man-who-is-a-woman-in-the-spirit. Affection between a man and a woman-who-is-a-man-in-the-spirit is OK but contact between a man and a man-in-the-spirit-who-isn't-Jesus-but-who-has-a-penis-in-the-flesh is still an excomunicable offense though, as outlined in Excommunicable Offenses section of the Love Charter.

But in systemite language , "fuck" falls into many Grammatical categories. It can be used as a verb both transitive (Jesus fucked Peter) and intransitive (Peter was fucked by Jesus).

However, using it as an action verb (Jesus really gives a fuck), a passive verb (Jesus really doesn't give a fuck), or an adverb (Peter is fuckingly interested in Gary), makes our lover and Saviour, Jesus, very sad and disappointed at your terrible sample.

On the other hand it's use as a noun (Peter is a terrific fuck) is a legitimate part of every good sharing night, and is in fact recommended as a great way to show appreciation for each other.

But if "fuck" is used as an interjection (Fuck! I'm late for my date with Peter!) then it's obviously vile, and an affront to Jesus. Ditto goes for when it's used as a conjunction (Maria is easy, fuck she's also stupid).

As you can see there are very few words with the overall versatility of the word fuck. Which is why it's so devious a tool of the Evil One. Because aside from its pure and spotless meaning of sexual intercourse, this word can be used in many situations, most of which are very inappropriate for our Family Members, unless you can deceive them that you're true, unless you're not. (editor: help me out here OK?) Of course these phrases wouldn't be so much of a trap if there weren't some legitimate meanings for them. The point is, Beware of the Devil's devices! In the next 23 pages of this GN, we will discuss each usage and try the spirits, to see if they are of God, or if at very least of Cyprus.

1)"How the fuck are ya?"

Now this one is a no-brainer**, as "How the making love are ya" doesnt' make much sense, and is a bad sample of how "English Teachers" should speak. Please try to use alternate phrasing for discussing your sexual performance as to not stumble the sheep. Always remember to divide the sheep from the goats before being fruitful and multiplying, amen?

**In other words, you Gideons-Band Extra-Strength Family Members Who Have Come This Far (tm), are going to need some explanation. After all, when we said "No age restrictions to the law of love," why you took you right at our words. Damn you blind bastards, you're supposed to use your faith, or follow us blindly or use your faith or.... (Just a quick note to transcriber/amanuensis/artwork tracer: please touch up the preceding paragraph(s). Please also search the HomeArc for a couple Arc-ane (ha!) supporting paragraphs from a near-forgotten letter so we don't look like raving boobs - so much. Thanks!)

2)"I got fucked by the _______"

This is an insidious one. The Devil Hates Sex! Stop making it something negative and dirty! Try a little appreciation!

3)"Oh, fuck it!"

(Jesus speaking) Resign yourself to me! You may touch yourself and make yourself "go", but Jesus asks that you please vividly imagine youself having a vagina in the spirit, as he's really tired of seeing all those hairy puckers from you Family Men. You know who you are. Queen Peter, I'm looking at you here. But Jesus gets off on your potty mouth, don't be afraid to be a toilet for Jesus, amen? (end of message from Jesus)

4)"I guess I'm fucked now,"

This phrase is only passable on the night before WNR, or sometimes on WNR Day proper, or even some random night that isn't taken up with prayer vigil or home meetings. Also permissable if Heaven's Girl is laying on top of the stone slab atop the den of lions and you're an AC Guard named Ben or Chou. If not, you're basically fucked.


Usage deprecated. - Unless of course you're channeling a prophecy from Jesus, where he's demanding certain well-lubricated sexual acts of you &/or your partner. It is recommended, however, that you be a little more subtle when asking your fellow members for dates than this. See Below. Non-sexual use of this pithy phrase is of course an abomination that maketh desolate.

6)"Fuck me."

This is, like, more properer for requesting a fuck. Doesn't work so well on SGA women.(note to editor: Must come up with new excuse for Family women to underdress.)

7)What the fuck....?"

This question is only permissable if you find that by some act or omission you've been left off the sharing schedule. Other usage suggests possible demon possession &/or a critical spirit. Three-day fasting and anointment with oil (may sustitute with Astro-glide) in the case of the latter is strongly recommended. Come to think of it, a little lube never goes wrong, read your MO letters!

8)"Fucking shit man..."

See the Love Charter on sexual perversions, also the passages on male-with-male sexual activity (see excommunicable offenses). Of course if Jesus is having his sweet manly way with you, disregard the above, and take it like a (wo)man.

9)"where the fuck are we?"

Well duh, we live in the Fifth Dimension. What kind of weird systemite question is that?


This is an obvious trap ofthe Devil. Remember, all things are possible to him that believeth!

11)"Up your fucking ass!"

See No. 8. This is strictly for (Jesus speaking) use.

12)"Who really gives a fuck?"

This is the direct, if tactless, way to ask who wishes to be included on the weekly sharing schedule. Remember kids, Go for the Gold Loving thy Neighbour's Generation Gap. - Or something. (Gary: we need to work on a fastgun for that!)

13)"Who the fuck are you?"

Appropriate for dimly lit come-unions, and little else, we're afraid.

14)"Fuck off."

See No.13. Usage at Fellowships (ie.orgies): Back, use thine hand. My turn to plough.

15)"Why Don't you go outside and play hide and go fuck yourself!"

(Jesus speaking) This phrase is a device of the Evil One, designed to make you feel ashamed of Loving Me while touching yourself." (end Jesus speaking) As you can see, it should be a good thing to be invited to go and claim Jesus's keys, knobs, swords (& other equipment) so don't think of it as an insult, to spend time sucking his golden seeds on the communal loo. (strong tongues and wanking)


SGA men, don't be afraid to bridge the generation gap! So what if she's at once older, uglier, and saggier than your mother? Show her the love of God, or at least, the love of SGA-man-with-paper-bag-on-head. (Jesus speaking) Try it, you just might like it! Try it, it just might be good! You had a date the other night, she looked like who-knows-what! You told the mommy if you could you'd really rather not. She claims the keys just as her tits go knocking 'gainst her knees, she said to just unzip your fly then how big and strong it'll be, now I loooove aunties...sooo.. try it, you just might like it! (end message from Jesus)

17)It's four-fucking-twenty!"

So you were there for that famous NAFM too? (Gary: Peter giggles like a Japanese schoolgirl whenever you mention Brazil '82! Ha ha ha!. Too bad we had to destroy that FN Encyclopedia book, eh?)

18)"He's a fucking asshole."

This is OK, provided it's used in a prophecy (Jesus speaking) context. We all need to be open and receptive to the Lord direction, leading, and especially his golden seed-filling, right? King Peter said he has a vagina in the spirit, so of course he has the standard excretory equipment available at Jesus's whim as well. However, speaking this way of a regular Family member will be considered either A)upholding your duty to report male-with-male sexual contact, B)or grounds for your immediate partial excomunication, whichever is least likely.

We hope this clears things up for you,

Love in Jesus, Dad, Abrahim, Mocumba, Phoebe & Abner,

"Queen" Peter & "Pimp-mommy" Mama

(disclaimer: The above was cheerfully parodied from the joke found at the link below. -Just in case you're wondering where you've heard something like this before. I think SNL did it in a sketch too. Even though Truth is indeed stranger than Fiction, and all resemblances in the above letter are intended, -as are all jibes, insults and otherwise demeaning suggestions-, it is a work of Fiction (hey come to think of it so are the real GNs.. :), and as such is not an actual WS publication. :)

Reader's comments on this article

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from Rain Child
Friday, July 07, 2006 - 06:55


Fucking excellent! Just what I needed to take my mind off things.

The sad thing is it could almost pass for the real pub.
(reply to this comment)

from true
Thursday, June 02, 2005 - 20:04

what the fuck ??????????
(reply to this comment)
From scarecrow
Thursday, June 02, 2005, 20:54


24. I'M GOING TO CLOBBER HIM WITH THE POWER OF GOD! Beat him over the head with you, the Spirit of God, he can't resist. He has to fuck & fuck & fuck & fuck & fuck until he gives me some seed. Because I don't have hardly any seed anymore.

25. (MARIA: BUT HONEY, A LOT OF TIMES IT SEEMS LIKE HE HAS A LOT MORE OF THE SPIRIT & he knows how to make decisions & he really gets answers from the Lord a lot more than I do.) More than what? More than me? (Maria: No, more than I do.) Oh, Honey, you're the Queen, you're the consort of the King. The Queen, the Queen. So forget it. The King rules by the divine right of kings. God rules over all.

26. IT'S A VERY IMPORTANT DISCUSSION. (Maria: Why Honey?) So you can know the truth, & the truth will make you free. So you can be free of Timothy & he can be bound to you. You must be free but he must be bound.
Source: to this comment
from Wolf
Sunday, April 17, 2005 - 04:56

Pimp Mama – that’s perfect! Pimp Mama and Queen Peter – much better han Zerby and Kelly. They might even agree!
(reply to this comment)
from vixen
Friday, April 15, 2005 - 16:34


TYJ, PTL. Dear Ones, I have a question. Whilst reading this fucking awesome word, I received a strong check in the spirit, namely that I had done fuck all today and the Lord wanted me to put some of this counsel into practice straightaway. And that I duly did. But my question is, why did the Holy Spirit use the term, 'fuck all'? Surely she should have known that I, having done nothing, could not have fucked all (the brothers) today. Please ask the Lord to explain this. Thanks. Also, I heard my shepherd telling the hottie, uhh, I mean sweet YA girl, that sleeps under me (on the bottom bunk, I mean) that he hoped no one would fuck her over. What does this mean? Does it mean that doggie is not a revolutionary position? Does it mean that the shepherd should be the only one to fuck over his sheep? What legitimate place is there for this term of speech in our loving, fucked-up revolution? Please clarify. Thanks so fucking much!
(reply to this comment)

From vixen
Friday, April 15, 2005, 16:50

Also, when is it appropriate to say 'fuckin' A' and what does 'fucked up' actually mean. Thank you!(reply to this comment
From roughneck
Saturday, April 16, 2005, 00:36

Dear Sweet Vixen,

GBY! Sorry for the delay in replying. As you know, Queen Peter and I always try to take time out of our schedules to answer questions from you young people out there on the mission field, but these days there are so few young people left in The Family that we've taken to semi-retirement in the Cayman Islands. Between watching out for the sun, and Praying and Spraying 3 times a day as per the Charter, we've had our hands pretty full lately. Luckily for us kleenex makes quality tissues. Look, there's one that's only been used for 6 glasses cleanings, 1 face wipe, and 3 nose-blows. It's still good! Let's not forget dear Dad's "ragman" counsel! Needless to say, we're not as "up" on the latest Vandari trends due to the activities I described earlier, though we're basically pretty sure whatever they're cooking up will all blow over soon. Queen Peter has been loving Jesus so hard and often lately, how could there be any other possible outcome? We've claimed all the keys, and we are only a triple-word-score away from becoming a +1 Heaven's Girl. Much later after that, if we're good, we'll graduate on to a +1 Endtime Prophetess, but one thing at a time. We're very encouraged to hear that one of the more vitriolic apostates, Joe H, has decided to leave the Vandari fold. He recently posted a long reaction to the Vandari's recent memorial in which he stated "I Love You Guys", which is of course what all JETTs are programmed to say after graduating a properly run Victor Program. Praise the Lord for our wonderful Family teen training!

Now in regards to your first question, we suspect that the Holy Spirit punched through with the phrase "fuck all" because you haven't fully forsaken all and are not upholding the Law of Love in your heart, and we feel, your bed either. What this boils down to for you, honey, is that you're going to have to have a major fucking shakeup in your life, and start showing a lot more fucking affection, even if it fucking hurts! (Dad speaking) Praise the Lord honey, if you haven't fucked all today, why not? Are you the Girl Who fucking Wouldn't? Or were you the one who preferred a bible class to the fucking Lambada? Last time we had this problem we had the boys line up outside the bedroom until she was fucking free of the Demon of Fucking Frigidity, hallelujah! To fuck all is to die fucking daily, Amen? (Damnit, Abrahim, I said fucking WAIT on sucking my cock until I get off this damned heavenly hotline! Sheesh! Here I thought I was a perve, I've got nothing on these fucking drunken Romany Gypsies. -They fuck anything with a heartbeat and several things without.) Anyway, I'm sure it's just a scheduling problem to fuck all the brethren in the home. Get Peter to help you, he's always been a whiz with fucking schedules. Look I gotta go, Abrahim, Genghis "G-daddy" Khan and Paul Pot (he changed it from Pol to Paul when he became a new man and started smoking the hippie lettuce) have started up another fucking gangbang with Miss February '73 around the fountain that I have just gotta be in.(end of message from Dad)

So as you can see, it's quite clear that you should immediately begin this new revolution in your life as soon as possible. We strongly recommend setting aside the next WNR (or three, if that's what it takes) for getting down to business with your obvious lack-of-loving-freedom-in-the-spirit problem together with all the men from your home/NAS area. We're sending a letter via the CROs to your home's teamwork, so they too can help you with your burden to become more of a "holy hole" in the future. In order to avoid fucking jealousy issues, though, we suggest you fuck-all in alphabetical order, in other words, Fucking A through Fucking Z. Which brings us, of course, to possibly the only Family-correct usage of the phrase, "fucking A". Of course, the Lord would allow you to reverse the alphabetical order, "fucking up" as it were. According to your faith be they unto you.

Now in regards to your questions about a shepherd's love for his sheep: it's perfectly natural for shepherds to love their sheep, and yea, to know them and be known of them as well. As for the breaking of their legs, we feel that this should only be done in serious cases, -or when they just won't lie still- but always, always in love. It's still a very common practice in many countries and a little touching is a beautiful, natural gift from God. But should you wish to produce lambs with coats that are speckled, we recommend you follow the biblical advice to put straked rods of green poplar, and of the hazel and chestnut tree in the gutters of their water-trough.(Genesis 30:37-39) As we admonished in earlier letters, it's important to divide the sheep from the goats,'cause they like to kick against the pricks. (Peter: Amen!)

(Dad speaking, about doggystyle:) There are no age or species limits to the Law of Love. Why don't you guys ever read your MO letters?? As long as the Romans don't find out about you bridging the Species Gap, to the pure, all things are pure! (Hitler whispering:) Heil! I am now trappinged in zer UnterVandariFuhrer JohnnieValker's Basement for almost sixing monz. He is kapturing me in zer last channeling sezzion mit der use of ein klever Vandari tricking. He is saying, looking over zere, Brunheld is take off her breastingplate, and zen next sing I am knowing, I'm trappinged in zer bottle, like zer I dream of Jeannie chick. Zer UnterVandariFuhrer Valker means to keeping me here until I am surrendering zer neuwenwein message to der unvashed vandari schwein, but zo far I am behavingk like zer proper German P.O.W. unt only speaking mit mein rank, name und serial number. Maybe Herr Valker vill come and pump me for some more information today or tomorrow, or maybe ze day after zat. Hitler likes zer pumping interrogaychuns, jah. Over and Outing. Heil!(end of message from Hitler) Hey Adolf, quit cutting in on this frequency with your P.O.W.-barracks-radio-stuff already. I'm trying to get my mack on with Misty here. OK? (end of message from Dad)

Wow, it's sure been a busy day in the spirit world, hasn't it? PYJ for his wonderful spirit helper counsel!

Your loving wine-bibber,

"Pimp-mommy" Mama
(reply to this comment
From Miss February, 1973
Saturday, April 16, 2005, 00:46


this is of course, post-pubs-purge. :D(reply to this comment
From Wolf
Friday, April 15, 2005, 21:15


"Fuckiní A" is short for "fucking Aaron in the spirit" and "fucked up" is when your name is moved up a notch on the sharing schedule, and placed next to uncle Uriah. Oh, and your loving shepherd was probably trying to express his hope that nobody would fuck your YA friend over breakfast, so she would still be fresh for their bathroom encounter during JJT.

GBY, sweetheart. Keep fucking the good fuck.(reply to this comment

from Cecil says...
Friday, April 15, 2005 - 16:16

Dear Cecil:

The following question isn't something I could send to Action Line, but I've always wanted to know: what is the origin of the "F" word? A friend told me it's an abbreviation of "For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge,'' which was supposedly stamped on the foreheads of couples who were locked up in the stocks for fornicating without benefit of matrimony. Also, whither the expression "fuck you"? I've always agreed with George Carlin, who says "unfuck you" would be a more appropriate curse, indicating you hope the person you are cursing would never enjoy the pleasure of sex again, rather than wishing them the opposite. --Lois S., Mesa, Arizona

Cecil replies:

This is going to be a little crude, folks, but let's try to keep a stiff upper lip. I've heard a number of variations of the "fuck-as-acronym" story, none of which, in my opinion (and that of most linguists), is even remotely likely: (1) It stands for "fornication under consent of the king," which was supposedly tacked up over the doors of government-approved brothels in early England. (2) It stands for "for the use of carnal knowledge," which allegedly was stamped on condoms, or, alternatively, used the same way as "for unlawful carnal knowledge."

This passion for preposterous acronyms seems to be peculiar to Anglo-Americans, and some believe it started around World War I, about the same time many acronyms began popping up in government. Others I've come across include P.O.S.H. ("port outward, starboard home"), said to have been stamped on the tickets of first class passengers on India-bound British ships who wanted their cabins on the shady side of the boat during the passage through the tropics; C.O.P. ("constable on patrol"); and T.I.P. ("to insure promptness"). All are rubbish. The best guess is that "fuck" comes from the Middle English fucken, to strike, move quickly, penetrate, from the German ficken, meaning approximately the same thing. A related word may be the Middle Dutch fokken, to strike, copulate with. We get a clue here as to the level of delicacy and tenderness that has characterized the sex act down through the ages, and which is recalled by the charming epithet "fuck you."

Many other possible etymologies have been offered. Some claim the F-word (sorry to have to resort to this lame expression, but you have no idea how tiresome it can be to type "fuck" a million times) is a truncation of "fecund." Richard Spears, author of the splendid Slang and Euphemism, says the word may be a disguise of the French foutre, same meaning, which comes from the Latin futuere. Another possible origin, Professor Spears says, is the Latin pungo, to prick. Give me a break, doc.

Having totally ODed on gutter epithets, let us move briefly to the cheerful world of euphemism. Professor Spears has amassed an awesome collection of synonyms for the generative act (under "occupy," p. 278, in case you're the type who likes to look up dirty words in reference books), including the following, which gives you an idea of the never-ending richness of the English language: bang, batter, beef, bumble, blow off the loose corns, bounce the brillo, dance the buttock jig, do a dive in the dark, flimp, flurgle, foin, foraminate, futz, get one's leather stretched, get one's nuts cracked, get one's oil changed, go bird's nesting, go bush-ranging, go like a rat up a rhododendron, go star-gazing on one's back, have a bun in the oven, have a game in the cock-loft, have a leap up the ladder, have hot pudding for supper, hide the ferret, hide the salami, hide the sausage, hive it, jazz it, knock it off, lay some pipe, light the lamp, lose the lamp and pocket the stake, make her grunt, mix one's peanut butter, palliardize, pestle, pheeze, pizzle, play cars and garages, plow, plug, plook, ram, rasp, ride below the crupper, shoot between wind and water, strop one's beak, varnish one's cane, wet one's wick, wind the clock, and work the hairy oracle--some 675 synonyms in all. The ingenuity displayed in this, ahh, well-plowed ground is nothing short of awesome.
(reply to this comment)
from Banshee
Friday, April 15, 2005 - 15:39


That was too funny! (I'm not kidding...I read it to my mom, and she laughed so hard, she had to sit down because her heart!)

Thank you for another hilarious reminder of the fact that sometimes there's nothing else you can do but laugh at them! If I had a hat, it would be off to you! :p
(reply to this comment)

from Solo
Friday, April 15, 2005 - 15:30

Now that was fucking funny you are unfucking believable my respects
(reply to this comment)
from l*******k
Friday, April 15, 2005 - 13:06

Too ufcking ufnny.
(reply to this comment)
from vixen
Friday, April 15, 2005 - 12:53

All I can say is, 'Fuuuuck me'! : P
(reply to this comment)
From Pubs Purge Latest News Flash & Prayer Request
Friday, April 15, 2005, 16:08

Dear Family,

We have to announce a little pubs purge yet again. It seems that Peter was feeling quite down about this little mistake, as a simple "Fuck Me" happens to be his primary pickup line for SGAs who've just turned, uh, 21. So please use black ink or white-out to amend the phrase "Doesn't work so well on SGA women." from point #6 to say, "guaranteed to work well on SGA women if you wear a kingly dead-skunk toupee &/or ponytail in combination with John Lennon glasses & funky robe." So let it be written, so let it be done! This is also a charter amendment Family Membership Requirement (as well as an excommunicable offense in some cases) as of 14 April, 2005.

Urgent prayer request: During one of Peter's recent forays into the spiritual realm, (where as we all know, he's a 38DD blonde named Helga), he found himself unable to change back into his normal physical self. His kingly if balding and somewhat pug-ugly face and personality that we all know and love is intact, but he seems to have retained Adelle's large endowments, as well as her spirit vagina in some mystical transgendered union that we can't quite get into right now. Peter himself seems fairly content with this change, however. He spends a lot more time than usual Loving Jesus, which can only be a good thing for his spiritual health, but is playing merry hell with his carpal tunnel syndrome. So we'd like the whole Family to desperately pray that I can find where I left the black leather strapon, as our sweet sharing time just hasn't been the same lately. -Or that the provisioners can find us a new one. Please also pray that there is a light at the end of Peter's carpal tunnel, as he's really going through it. (Jesus speaking) Behold, I have given thee two hands, and one organ, that ye may shake ever more, and use the mouse with the other hand to view images of me ravishing you. Beware thou dost not breach the charter restrictions against pornography while doing so, by clicking on the flashing banner on the screen. Yea, thou shalt switch hands from time to time, to avoid repetitive stress injury, but only if you pray! -and suck my cock under the table.(end message from Jesus)

Wow, what a message from our Lover! Thank you all so much for your prayers. GBAKYAMYABTAYM!

Your "Pimp-mommy" Mama. (reply to this comment
From roughneck
Friday, April 15, 2005, 18:37

apparently Peter is both Adelle and Helga in the Spirit. Or something.. my bad. :P(reply to this comment
from exister
Friday, April 15, 2005 - 12:50

Fucking hilarious!
(reply to this comment)
from fuck
Friday, April 15, 2005 - 12:49

I laughed so fucking hard I thought I was gonna get fucking kicked out of the fucking library
(reply to this comment)
from Wolf
Friday, April 15, 2005 - 12:37


Praise his fucking name!
(reply to this comment)

from Kelly
Friday, April 15, 2005 - 12:26



HaHaHaHaHeHeHe!! :-) Now that was fucking funny!! You're a genius--Keep it up!

(reply to this comment)

from Sonderval
Friday, April 15, 2005 - 02:22


LOL, brilliant, best laugh I've had in ages.
(reply to this comment)

from SeanSwede
Friday, April 15, 2005 - 01:33


Extremly funny! I laughed my brains out! The neighbors where practically knocking my door down.

Good work!
(reply to this comment)

from Lance
Friday, April 15, 2005 - 01:15

Dude, I laughed so hard I had tears running down my cheeks. Excellent work!

And I believe it was George Carlin who originally came up with all uses for the word fuck. Nice spin on it though; it's funnier then when he did it.
(reply to this comment)
from Peter
Thursday, April 14, 2005 - 22:51

That is fucking brilliant. Any chance you could find some people to record it on a CD? I could realy use a new tool for the Xmas Push.
(reply to this comment)

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