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Getting Through : Lighten Up

Hitler On Heaven's Girl

from JohnnieWalker - Thursday, February 03, 2005
accessed 12275 times

Disclaimer: The following article is to be handled with care and shaken vigorously before reading. Keep this article out of direct sunlight while charging it with solar energy. Must be maintained in wet environment but may become hazardous when coming in contact with liquids. This article may be damaging to your eyesight so keep eyes closed while reading. For all other concerns and questions, please read the FAQs below.

FAQs:
Q: I want to practice Loving Jesus but am on my spiritual period. Can I use my pride as a menstrous rag?
A: Jesus would prefer you use the Magic Sponge.

Q: I got a prophecy from the prophet Elijah while he was hearing from the Lord. Does that make my prophecy special?
A: No. It makes it a prophecy of a prophecy of a prophecy.

Q: Why is the boob-throwing Aborigine called the "Hong Kong" Goolagong?
A: Because he is the Jesus baby of the Singapore Sailor and the Maharishi of Hydrabad.

Q: I got a lot of problems, I must confess. Somebody help me out of this mess.
A: I know the answer to all your problems, boy. You gotta love the Lord Jesus more.

Q: Am I cheating on Jesus if I have spiritual sex with Buddha?
A: Yes. The only exception to this, however, would be if you are FFing Buddha.


My dear flock,

Greetings in Jesus' precious Penis.

As usual, I must apologize for the delay in my communications with you. A couple months ago, the enemy threw a monkey wrench into the machine of the Lord's work. Unfortunately, we couldn't fix the machine because the Devil had thrown in the only monkey wrench we owned.

This vicious attack of the enemy took place while I was working at my computer. I had nearly finished my work when a suspicious alert popped up on my Flatlander screen, notifying me that my PC had been infected by the Half.a@Worm virus, which had eaten up half of the data on my hard drive. I began to cry. The mean virus had eaten the half that I wanted.

The malicious code then began dancing around my desktop, flinging evil weed seeds into the air as it went. Suddenly, the weed seeds began to grow up, up, up into the sky. I tried to stop them but they wriggled right up through my fingers. -- It tickled a little.

I tried calling on the Father for help but his number had been disconnected. I tried calling on the Keys of Remembrance only to discover that I had forgotten where I placed them.

Helpless, I stood transfixed as the weeds grew through the ceiling and into the sky. Then, to my shock and horror, the Green Paper Pig began climbing down the vines, cackling with glee that it had finally found a way to get in and ruin the fatherís estate.

I had lost all hope when, suddenly, I heard the angelic voices of my mother and father singing:

"Ha ha ha! Don't be deceived; the Green Paper Pig is all a dream.
Ha ha ha! Children dance on the roof! The Green Paper Pig is gonna go poop!"

Then, without warning, the windows flew open and the Wild Wind began blowing through my round, round room, knocking furniture and water-filled, glass statues of headless horses to the ground.

I quickly jumped over and grabbed on to the base of an antenna, which was about to be blown over. As I lay there clutching the pole, I caught a glimpse of Leland Valentine in his red flannel underwear muttering to himself as he meandered over to his little grass shack down in beautiful Hawaii.

As the hurricane died down and the weeds slowly curled into the sky, I heard the Lord's voice as he spoke to me and said:

(Jesus speaking:) Sorry. I farted. (End of message from Jesus)

Hallalujah, Praise You Lord! (Tongues -- probably Chief Ngocha Fli-Bag speaking:) Fogasho labza woda hee gevis onleebee gaden shanza hooso eba belee beshin himshana pebish bata fefa lashtin lai.

(Interpretation:) My robe of light is a size too small and itís giving me a wedgie.

Wow! Wasnít that amazing? Thank you, our wonderful Sex-crazed Savior for bestowing upon us your golden seeds while other Christians must settle for your bronze, copper and tin seeds.

Now, dear ones, here is another precious jewel from our Handsome He-man, Hitler. The other night he inspired me with a dream of the Endtime and the powerful powers He would bestow upon us, His children, to protect us from exploding bombs and gunfire even if we only wore cheap braided hair-extensions and a torn negligee that we got from the Forsake-All.

In this dream I saw a young woman called Heaven's Girl. She and her two sisters, Sky Woman and Firmament Female, formed the terrifying trio known to the AC forces as "Heaven's Magic". Together they fended off their enemies with nothing but a hook-handled umbrella, a bent curtain rod and a pogo stick. Countless times they had sent multitudes of heavily armed AC forces fleeing for their lives at the sound of the Ďthudí of these improvised shepherd's staffs.

Then, one tragic winterís day, Firmament and Sky found themselves surrounded by enemy soldiers. Bravely they pointed their fingers at the soldiers and waited for fire to come down from the sky and devour them. Unfortunately, they had forgotten to take off their mittens.

Heavenís Girl was now alone and the AC forces (who wore inconspicuous metallic space suits, air-force pilot helmets and imitation Raybans) had piled into a dilapidated Jeep and were chasing her through the jungle. Heaven's Girl was running for her life stopping only briefly to warn people not to go to the supermarket today.

As she ran out of breath, Heaven's Girl realized that the only way to escape would be to lie down on the ground in the dark. Quick as a flash, she jumped down, turned around, touched the ground and praised the Lord.

As she lay there hiding, she feared that the sound of her beating heart was so loud the enemy would hear it and it would give away her position. But she was wrong. What gave her position away was the bump the soldiers felt as they drove over her.

Once the AC soldiers had caught her, Sergeant Cody (a.k.a. ďThe Very Strange Man at the Checkout StandĒ) radioed his superior:

Sergeant Cody: Howdy, General.

General Hank: Er... Cody. Ain't cha forgettin' somthin'?

Sergeant Cody: Oh yeah. (Shouting:)ALL HAIL TO OUR GREAT LEADER! ...Shucks, I forgot we're always suposed to say that now.

General Hank: Thatta boy, Cody. So, did you catch that Heaven's Bitch I sent you after.

Sergeant Cody: You betcha! We caught her entering King Freddy's Kingdom illegally while driving her toothbrush without a license. But before we could arrest her she jumped up started breathin' at us like she was some kind of fire dragon and now Iíve got two men down.

General Hank: WHAT?!? She spewed fire out of her mouth?

Sergeant Cody: No Sir. She just had really bad breath.

General Hank: Oh, I seeÖ..well, you just run along now and bring her down to the deserted zoo on the edge of town. Oh....and Cody, be so kind and stop by a computer store on yer way in. This damn chip in my forehead keeps crashing and I think it's about time I got me an upgrade.


At the zoo, Heaven's Girl sat weeping on the floor of the empty monkey cage. The floor was littered with banana peels that had been left there by the cageís former occupantóa barefoot, briefcase-toting businessman.

Why had the Lord allowed the enemy to capture her, she asked herself. Was it because she complained about her 'Tapioca and Sardine Delight' breakfast porridge? Had she crossed the red tape on the kitchen floor without yelling ďHot pot!Ē? Or maybe it was because she had forgotten to disinfect the papayas after bringing home the provisioning.

As she prayed, her gaze wandered to the penguin exhibit, where a handful of naked people were being herded onto the ice. In spite of the cold, they were dancing and singing, "We are not afraid to die, for the Lord will make us high...", while enjoying a merry game of musical crowns.

Presently, her attention was drawn to the TV down the hall, which was playing an educational Treasure Attic in which Peepers, Bunny Bigword and Uncle Jim performed a rap number on the benefits of the Mark of the Beast.

Abruptly, her thoughts were interrupted by the clang of the cage door. A group of soldiers came in and began dragging her by one foot towards the lions' den.

Terrified of what would become of her, Heaven's Girl made vain attempts to plead for her life.
"Please no! Not the lionís den! I'm allergic to cats."
"No wait! I don't have dying grace yet."
"I'd rather be fried on a 10-foot pole."
"Oh look, a manger scene with baby Jesus. PLEASE let me stop and look at Jesus. PLEASE let me stop and look at Jesus."

It was no use. The men didnít listen. Instead, they threw her on some gunnysacks and forced her to go for the gold while showing them a sample of the Lordís love. But when Heavenís Girl began doing a dance number to the tune of ďFire and IceĒ, they realized that this had been a really bad idea.

After each of the soldiers bid her a short and heartfelt farewell, they threw her gruffly into the lionís den.

Heavenís Girl waved goodbye to the men above as they laboriously slid the enormous stone slab back over the entrance. (Editorís note: While the ACs had the brilliance and technology to create a talking temple robot and mind-controlling chip implants, they remained hopelessly stuck in the stone age when it came to keeping lions and tigers captive.)

Alone in the darkness of the den with no noise to be heard but the growling of hungry lions, Heavenís Girl comforted herself with encouraging and faith-building stories that she had read as a child. Stories of the fates of the Young Prophet and early Christians in the arena came readily to mind.

I wish I could tell you that Heavenís Girl made a heroic escape by single-handedly lifting the stone slab, climbing a tree, jumping a wall, humping the zoo guards and hiding out in a penthouse...

Ö. but I woke up from my dream when the stupid bitch pricked my forehead with a hairpin.

Reader's comments on this article

Add a new comment on this article

from celestej
Sunday, July 20, 2008 - 20:01

(Agree/Disagree?)
  Oh my god this brought back sooo many memories..... especially the song " kathy don't go to the supermarket today"  I thought I had completely forgotten that, I was younger than most of you when I left.  I was laughing so hard as one hazy memory after another popped up.....so insanely wierd....can you imagine someone who had never been in COG reading this?  It would be utterly nonsensical to anyone but us- do you guys realize we share the mother of all inside jokes? Which when you think about it is pretty damn cool.
(reply to this comment)
From A
Monday, July 21, 2008, 09:52

(
Agree/Disagree?)
Watch Kathy don't go on youtube:
http://youtube.com/watch?v=vrNjlQ6QWl4(reply to this comment
From exfamily
Monday, July 21, 2008, 12:34

(Agree/Disagree?)
LOL... they've also got Did Charlie Make a Monkey Out of You? http://youtube.com/watch?v=9ogKGfjjWDw(reply to this comment
From zzzzzzzzzzzz
Monday, July 21, 2008, 20:11

(
Agree/Disagree?)
Ha. Iíve seen'em one too many times!  Us JETTís used to be forced to watch those videos religiously --every week, as a substitute for movie nightís flick, during the movie fast. (reply to this comment
from Kelly
Saturday, December 01, 2007 - 21:15

(Agree/Disagree?)
LOL! Freaking hilarious! The best part was the green paper pig...i almost forgot about that. Thanks for the laugh JW :-)
(reply to this comment)
from figaro
Saturday, December 01, 2007 - 15:12

(Agree/Disagree?)
That was pure genius bro, pure genius. I have found that while the main reason for writings such as this is for comedy, it is also therapeutic in its own way. Not only for the writer, but for the reader as well. At least it is for me.
(reply to this comment)
from steam
Saturday, December 01, 2007 - 09:06

(Agree/Disagree?)
I need to put Chief Ngocha Fleebag's prophecy on a t-shirt.
(reply to this comment)
From figaro
Saturday, December 01, 2007, 22:40

(Agree/Disagree?)
I haven't heard of that one (or I completely forgot about it) You have a link to it? Or is it short enough to write it here? (reply to this comment
From exfamily
Saturday, December 01, 2007, 23:48

(Agree/Disagree?)
Re-read the article, it's in there.(reply to this comment
from JudasChrist
Friday, November 30, 2007 - 23:39

(Agree/Disagree?)
LOL!!!


(reply to this comment)
from weegirlie
Monday, February 07, 2005 - 09:51

(Agree/Disagree?)
Pure genius!! I laughed the whole way through. I'm going to have to send this on. It's too good to keep to oneself. Keep them coming JW.
(reply to this comment)
from Vicky
Saturday, February 05, 2005 - 07:11

(Agree/Disagree?)
LOL, JW - I just reread that and finally got what the Chief is saying... heehee. Kinda slow these days!
(reply to this comment)
from MM
Friday, February 04, 2005 - 22:08

Average visitor agreement is 1 out of 5(Agree/Disagree?)

MM goes insane..

Ok ok, I actioly remember all this and I tell you I dont think it is that bad if you see it.

Lets go to the "gang bang" Heavens girl, It might come to happen. who knows? I actioly belive it. There are many things that could come to pass, maybe not in this eXacT wAy but hey, LeTs check this out better, Davidito dies, He murderd. What did influence he had in you? ask your self and studie this, if it gives you the anger and rage you have not forgave and went past it... I know tihs CuZ I was there.. An dif you did forgive you see its not there any more, let it go dudes seriously I mean whats it worth, lets look at this this way, theres some good coming out of this, I have many brothers in TF today and I say they ared dedicated missioonarys, I know this, fo rI see what they do. I was born in 79 I am a SGA X Fam not a tottal Fan but I admire many ppl the ppl who do it for and as to the Lord, I hope you still respect ppl desisions with religion even though you dont belive in it, CuZ if u dont hmm whatever it is not worth telling you this, oh and I am not aproving of a gang bang, but some things ppl do to stay alive and thats what it might take, being raped. R u Prepared...or gona get the mark of the beast in your little insignificant brains, or r u gona fight it and not accept it for the Grater good that will come after.

By the way, do your self a favor, do not use the Lords name in vain. TkS X -bro
(reply to this comment)

From MM
Saturday, February 05, 2005, 06:46

(Agree/Disagree?)
MM waS in a BiG Dose of Kif From the RiF...hehe!!! Dont U all Wish....(reply to this comment
From LOL!!!
Friday, February 04, 2005, 23:28

(
Agree/Disagree?)

That was a perfect spoof on a sold out Family apologist! Pathetic grammar, illogical conclusions and all! Keep it up, MM! You've got talent. You should write a whole article like this....it would have me in stitches! My favourite part was the condescending "do yourself a favor"!!! Too funny, man (or woman)!!! Great spoof!

(reply to this comment

From MM
Saturday, February 05, 2005, 06:45

(Agree/Disagree?)
MM was insane there Dude or dudases....(reply to this comment
From shhhhh don't worry
Saturday, December 01, 2007, 21:22

(
Agree/Disagree?)

MM i got safty pins ;-P(reply to this comment

From Duh
Sunday, December 02, 2007, 04:55

(
Agree/Disagree?)
Too bad you're two years late.(reply to this comment
From huh?
Sunday, December 02, 2007, 15:18

(
Agree/Disagree?)
too late for what? btw that was a joke, Duh!(reply to this comment
from spat2
Friday, February 04, 2005 - 18:50

(Agree/Disagree?)
Man hat off to you this rocks, was soo funny my workmates had to come and read it lol
(reply to this comment)
from Bella
Friday, February 04, 2005 - 15:53

(Agree/Disagree?)

That was great! I laughed the whole way through it.
(reply to this comment)

from clark
Friday, February 04, 2005 - 13:26

(Agree/Disagree?)

I see someone payed attention during devotions. halarious!!!
(reply to this comment)

from AMC28
Friday, February 04, 2005 - 08:54

(Agree/Disagree?)

That is soooo funny. How do you remember all that stuff. You must have been a good listener during devotions.............

;-)
(reply to this comment)

from Haunted
Friday, February 04, 2005 - 07:38

(Agree/Disagree?)
Don't forget the fact that the AC soldier in the "fly" helmet radioed back with his "shampoo bottle with a pencil stuck in that was spray-painted black".
(reply to this comment)
from banal_commentator
Friday, February 04, 2005 - 06:16

(Agree/Disagree?)
Hillarious! My favourite is the FAQs.
(reply to this comment)
from Guccigirl
Friday, February 04, 2005 - 05:42

(Agree/Disagree?)
JW you rock!!! I LMFAO, thank god I was the only one in office this a.m.
(reply to this comment)
from vixen
Friday, February 04, 2005 - 04:48

(Agree/Disagree?)
OMFG, JW! I am sooo laughing my ass off right now!
(reply to this comment)
from Dr.4_Shure
Friday, February 04, 2005 - 03:35

(Agree/Disagree?)

HA! HA! HA!

That rocks, I'm in stitches, if Zerby had only hired you to work for WS publishing I may have tuned in more to devotions.

The part about Heavens girl getting ganged reped and yet being so "happy" about, I had totally forgotten you bringing that back to light, as a kid I hated that part it was almost if they were trying to advocate that being raped and raping is condoned according to Berg and Zerby.

It was so disturbing for me to think I would find the love of my life and I would have to bear and PTL for other men going gaga slobering over her. Lets not forget I'm suppose to share her and be another sample of the lords love to other men. That's starting to sound so gay!

I hate the letter, "Blues" or something like that, where Berg tries to reach out to the men to share there wives.

Sick so sick.
(reply to this comment)

from Baxter
Friday, February 04, 2005 - 02:19

(Agree/Disagree?)

Cheers, Johhny, for again turning me into hysterical maniac in the computor room who annoys everyone when he falls off his chair in fits of uncontrollable laughter.


(reply to this comment)

from ErikMagnusLehnsher
Friday, February 04, 2005 - 00:11

(Agree/Disagree?)

LMAO!!!
(reply to this comment)

from
Thursday, February 03, 2005 - 23:46

(Agree/Disagree?)
Beyond funny!
(reply to this comment)
from a follower
Thursday, February 03, 2005 - 22:38

(Agree/Disagree?)

Brilliant! How do you do it!


You should be Johnny Talker.
(reply to this comment)

from thinker711
Thursday, February 03, 2005 - 22:21

Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5(Agree/Disagree?)
That was truly brilliant and hilarious. It took me 20 minutes to read because I was laughing so hard (and I'm drunk). Thanks JW and keep up the good work.
(reply to this comment)
from BenKill
Thursday, February 03, 2005 - 22:12

(Agree/Disagree?)
you are too fuckin funny man, keep it up an get it published!!!
(reply to this comment)
from Uncle Lou
Thursday, February 03, 2005 - 21:35

(Agree/Disagree?)

All hail to our great....huh?


Brilliant Juan Caminant, brilliant!!!
(reply to this comment)

From night_raver
Thursday, February 03, 2005, 22:22

(Agree/Disagree?)

good thing I read this when noone was in the office. So, Shikaka's exploits have been imortalized in a Hitler prophecy.(reply to this comment

From shikaka
Friday, February 04, 2005, 14:03

(Agree/Disagree?)
I'm honoured(reply to this comment

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