Prophesing Made Easy

from MrProphet - Wednesday, August 18, 2004
accessed 1693 times

for those who need the help to get "the gift" going.

Hi everyone and welcome to “ Prophesying Made Easy .”
Have you got a big prophesy session comin’ up and ya wanna impress the big cheese?
Do you feel during prayer times closed eyes are gazing down on you waiting for a little something?
Or do ya wanna have a little fun next time you’re down on the knees?
If you answer yes to any one of these then fear not, cause Mr Prophecy will have ranting with the prophets in no time. My personal guarantee is, “If you can’t cut with a travelling CRO, (don’t worry, those fuckers ‘ll swallow any shit and thank you for it), I will personally send you five ready made prophecies for all situations. So let’s get readyyyy to PROPHECY!!!!

We have a few common problems that kiddos are always asking me about. They say, “Mr Prophecy, I don’t hear voices. How can I prophecy?” Let me be very clear on this point- people who hear voices are not prophets. They’re just fucking crazy. Potentially dangerous. Don’t go walking alone with them and never go camping with them. That voice could instruct them to do anything from crap in their pants to take your heart out, or worse still, it might want to stay up all night “prophesying”. If you ever start hearing voices please read my book, “Medication made Easy”.

So let’s get started with your basic garden-variety prophecy. The scenario is, you’ve just spent 1 to 2 hours of devotions, you tuned out after “Dear Ones…” and wouldn't have a clue what was said. They could of revealed the new latest and most possible candidate for the job of anti-Christ or Maria could be fucking someone new. And now they want to try the spirits and see what Ramies the 3rd (or who ever) has for your home. (Is this sounding familiar)?

Rule 1: Never go first. Some fucker will always summarise most of or the entire devotion just to prove he wasn’t asleep. Unfortunately you’ll have to listen. Sometimes the prayer before tells the tale. Don’t be afraid to use what others say, but more on plagiarism another time.

Rule 2: Don’t fart during whilst you are prophesying. Always when someone else is. Keep both channels clears. Better out than in. And don’t forget that quiet farts can be just as funny as the scent wafts around. For the brave and fearless, stand up and say, “Pull my finger, God.” Then let it all out in a mighty burst. As serious as you can be, sit down and proclaim, “His ways are not our ways”.

Rule 3: Get weird. “Bippity bop, the clock goes tock…”, “the watcher is watching…”, “the third eye is opening…”, “Satan’s imps are preparing for the Olympics…”. All these get you going. But no laughing.

Rule 4: Confusion is the Key. If you have made a clear-cut statement then you have failed my friend. Fret not. You may have said something like
· The Eiffel tower will split asunder
· A meteor will destroy Tokyo
· Poland will invade Hawaii
Your thinking Poland are flat out invading Luxemburg, but I prophesied it! NO video tonight for being a false prophet. Shit! Let’s calm down. First thing to do is make it wilder, grander and more cataclysmic. Fuck Hawaii, have the Los Angeles fall into ocean, and not the Pacific but the Atlantic (most homes think it is on the Atlantic). Then prophesy that a new strain of herpes that makes your dick fall off is about to sweep across Texas, and how the Mississippi will turn pink and then dry up. Whatever it is make it BIG! By this time all the gullible ones in your prayer circle will be shitting themselves.
Now here is the line to justify pretty much anything. “Whether this happens or not is all dependant on the choices of man.” There should be an audible sigh of relief.
Well we can’t cover everything in one go so start by using these as a guide. Send in any problem and Mr Prophet will deliver, I’ve foreseen it. Your homework is to make up a false prophecy and send it in to WS. If it’s weird, full of confusion, and makes no sense at all, it might even get put in a GN. Don’t get discouraged if it doesn’t as there are a lot of crazy fuckers in WS hearing voices that you’re competing against.
Till next time
Mr Prophet