from JohnnieWalker - Saturday, August 07, 2004
accessed 3741 times
(Disclaimer: The following black pixels on your screen have been known to cause such dangerous side effects as spastic movements of the diaphragm followed by sudden vocal outburst ranging from the garden variety ‘Ha Ha’ to the more throaty ‘Hhghk Hhghk’. Sounds like these have been the cause of unemployment for many Exers around the globe who were fired when their bosses caught them grunting obscenely at their PC monitors.
Understandably, many of these Exers have written letters of complaint to the editor of this article. Please rest assured that letters of this nature are treated with our utmost concern. Each one was individually labeled, categorized and filed, before being systematically shredded. The resulting paper strips were then carefully tossed into the air while the editor, dressed in a coat and scarf, pretended it was snowing.)
I wanted to begin by sharing with you a valuable lesson I learned early this morning. I was sitting down with my face buried in my hands. Suddenly, I felt Hitler speaking to me saying that he had a special message to deliver but I was holding something back and I needed to let it go.
I argued with Hitler and told him that he was asking too much of me. It would be too painful for me and too humiliating to let go. I said that I was afraid that when people heard it they would think I was weird or that something was wrong with me. But, in spite of all my protests, the urge grew stronger and stronger until I couldn’t hold it back anymore.
When I decided yield to our Führer and let it flow it all came out in one strong outburst--almost effortlessly. It flowed just like a waterfall of the Lord’s spirit--every drop bringing sweet relief and comfort.
I sat there humbled, ashamed--and yet I knew that my humble offering bore the sweet smell of roses before my Leader.
I pondered the lesson I had learned as I reached for the flush handle. Never again would I eat 200 prunes in one evening.
Praise you Lord! Isn’t that amazing? After I washed my hands with soap and bleach and carefully dipped them into the first and second rinse bowls, I sat down with pen and paper and wrote down Hitler’s message.
(Hitler speaking:) Gut morning, mein tshildrens. I have ein very special sorprice for you. Albert Einstein und I have created ein wonderful machine for ze Family zat vill soon be replacing the krystal ball TVs in zer heafenly manshuns. Und vat is zis mashine, you ask? We haf called it ze “Spirit Helper Intelligence Transmitter” or S.H.I.T. for short. Zis machine will konjure up random spirit helperz for ze Family venever zey need zem.
So if, for example, ein Family member vants to hear from ze spirit vurld about how to be ein gut mishunary in ze dshungels of Africa, ze S.H.I.T. vill automatikally take kontrol of ze tshannel und it will generate results like zis:
(Tarzan speaking:) Ahhhh aaaauughh, ahhh aaaauughh
(Mogli speaking:) Look for those bear necessities, those simple bear necessities...
(Chief Wana Mblojab speaking:) Waheet man hafa tai nee weena.
(David Livingstone speaking while delirious with malaria:) No, no...don’t make me go to bed. I want to watch the little men going up and down in the elevators.
(Hitler speaking:) Vorks pretty gut, doesn’t it? Nau, let’s try somesing else und ask ze S.H.I.T. what some famous poets can tell us about ze Keys of ze Kingdom in poem prophecy.
(Joyce Kilmer speaking:) I think that I shall never see, a poem as lovely as a key, whose Master’s hungry mouth is pressed, against Queen Peter’s hairy chest.
(Dr. Seuss speaking:)
Could you, would you in a tree?
Would you, could you with a key?
I would not could not, with a key!
I don’t like kinky sex, you see.
(Robert Burns speaking:) Some hae keys and canna squeeze, and some wad squeeze that lack it. But we hae keys, and we can squeeze, and to the Lord we wank it
(Hitler speaking:) You see, mein tshildrens, ze Family vill now haf plenty of foolishness to fill zer GNs wiss. So, every time you see ein GN, you kan be certain zat it ist only full of S.H.I.T.
(End of message from Hitler)
Wow, what a fantastic message. Thank you so much, Hitler for your pearls of wisdom that you have cast before us lowly swine.
Well, my loves, I’ve really appreciated the numerous letters I’ve been receiving with questions about the Family’s doctrines. One question that has been asked quite frequently concerns their doctrine of calling on the Keys of King Dumb (although questions about the whether singing the ‘Food Song’ actually kills the evil bacteria in daily meals came a close second. The short answer to this question is: Yes, it does. Especially when sung with accompanying high and low harmonies.)
While praying about it, I felt strongly that I should give you the true and unadulterated scriptural background of the doctrine of the Keys and Hilter confirmed this through one-word, popcorn prophecy.
(Hitler speaking:) Arschlochreinigungspapierspülsystembedienungsanleitung (End of message from Hitler)
Upon hearing this powerful message I knew beyond the shadow of a doubt that it probably sounded like our loving Leader might possibly have made a vague reference to toilet paper. This could only mean that our doting Dictator wanted me to read you from the Bible so you will know what actually happened and can see how, once again, the Family has wrongly divided the word of truth. (As we all know, the only correct way to divide the word of ‘truth’ is by placing the hyphen after the second syllable).
(Reads from the NKJV [Naked King Jesus Version] Bible)
THE GOSPEL FORMERLY KNOWN AS JOHN
Chapter 8,432, Section 15A, Article VII, Paragraph 3c.01 with mustard and a side salad.
And it came to pass in those days that upon a cool summer night, Jesus did sit quietly by the campfire, roasting marshmallows with his disciples.
And, behold, the night air was calm and the moon (which doth contain the holy city, New Jerusalem) shone brightly in the firmament. And all was peaceful and quiet, save for the occasional burp that proceedeth out of the mouth of Bartholomew and the gnashing of teeth from Thaddeus, who did eat as doth a canker (for, lo, he had on his plate a mount of olives and did eat much also of the peaceable fruit of righteousness).
And when the disciples had broken bread (and Bartholomew had broken wind) they gathered themselves together in a circle around the campfire and did dance to the tune of “Mountain Children”. And it came to pass that as the disciples paired up to do the Gypsy Caravan Tunnel, the hem of Peter’s garment did catch afire.
And behold, Peter cried out saying, “Lord save me!”
Jesus saith unto him, “What think ye that I am? The New York Fire Dept.?”
And as the flames did lap his ankles Peter cried, “Nay, Lord. I thought thou wast the Messiah--the Son of God.”
And Jesus’ heart was touched and filled with compassion for Peter so that he wept and took pity on him. And lo, Jesus pissed upon the fire to put it out.
And Jesus took up Peter into his bosom and saith unto him lovingly, “Knowest thou, Peter that thou art stupid? Yea, of a truth, thou canst be a little dense, too. For verily I say unto you, that at times thou art as dense as....(and Jesus paused for effect)....a rock.
And Peter did not get the joke.
And Jesus said, “Thou art Peter, as dense as a rock. So dense art thou, that upon this rock, I could build a whole church.”
(Editor’s Note: As we know from history, Peter did not make a very good foundation for the Lord’s Church. To this day, his crushed body can be found beneath the Vatican's Cathedral.)
And Jesus saith unto Peter, “Seest thou how much I have loved thee. For I was willing to piss upon thee to save thy life. Wherefore I give unto thee the Pee of the Kingdom of Heaven. And whatsoever thou shalt wind on earth, shall be wound in heaven; and whatsoever thou shalt goose on earth, shall be goosed in heaven.”
And Mel the Gibsonite, cried out, “CUUUUTTT!!!”
And Mel was wroth with Jesus saying, “Hast thou not read the script? I pray thee, learn thy lines ere I chastise thee with the rod of correction and slay thy man servants and make thine house a dunghill.”
And Jesus saith unto Peter, “And whatsoever thou shalt grind on earth, shall be ground...”
And Mel rent his clothes and cried with a loud voice. And he departed thence unto his own trailer.
And Jesus saith unto Peter, “And from henceforth, when thou walkest through the fire, thou shalt not be burned, for the Lord thy God shall piss upon thee. Piss I leave with you. My piss I give unto you. Not as the Indian giveth give I unto you.”
And Jesus taketh Peter unto his bosom and kissed him. And when Judas saw this, his heart was vexed sore with envy. And he went out and hanged himself.
And Jesus gently caresseth Peter’s thigh and saith unto him. “Peter, darling, lovest thou me?”
And Peter answered, “Yea, Lord, every night--and twice on the Sabbath.”
And Jesus saith unto him, “Be my sheep.”