from JohnnieWalker - Monday, May 17, 2004
accessed 3043 times
(Disclaimer: The following is meant to be taken only in jest. If you take offence to this material, press 1 now. If you would like to file a verbal complaint, press 2 now. If you have a gun to your head and are threatening to shoot unless I pull this article, pull the trigger now.)
Dear CMers and FMers, TSers and BSers;
The Lord’s Spirit moved me (about 4 inches to the left), to share with you a wonderful new revelation from our loving Leader, doting Dictator and friendly Führer Hitler.
As usual, I was lying in my bed, singing sweet songs in tongues to our Führer (my all-time favorites are still “Haba-haba-sheeba Laba-laba-neeba” sung to the tune of “I Love the Lord” and “Sheema ba laba shonka, shonka” to the tune of “We’re Going Forth to Conquer, Conquer”). After about 6 hours of having this sweet time of fellowship with our Husband, I began nodding off to sleep and had the most amazing dream.
In the dream I was building a church in Arizona and had put all these bags of grain inside. Suddenly, I realized, that I was sitting on some sort of meat hook on a conveyer belt and was about to be dipped in smoldering hot chocolate sauce.
In panic, I turned to the person sitting next to me and yelled, “Which way to Ellensburg?” The man smiled and replied, “Well, it’s happened now!” and proceeded to push me into the huge hole that had been dug for the foundation of Michelangelo’s statue ‘David’. Thankfully, I was saved by the Nuns of Love, who gave me a sandwich and a little dog, which was supposed to remind me of what track I needed to follow.
As I followed the little dog line I turned to look behind me and saw Mr. Coosa pluck three tiny hairs from the back of his neck and blow them in my face. Quickly, I ran into an elevator and began descending, when suddenly, the elevator chain broke. But the little fairies told me to hold tight to the wand in my hand and jump. And then I woke up. POOF. Just like that.
I wiped the drool off my cheeks and lay there for a few minutes, praying and asking our beloved Führer what the dream meant. Slowly, and clearly he began to give the interpretation to me:
(Hitler speaking:) Ze church in Arizona represents ze Lord’s young und sexy bride. Ze chocolate sauce means that ze Lord is kind of kinky und likes to dip His bride in chocolate so He can lick it off. Of kors, ze statue of David represents ze goddamn ACs. Mr Coosa does not mean anysing -- just Mr. Asooc spelled backvards. Ze Nuns of Laf represented ze Roman Catholic Church und ze breaking of ze iron tshain is symbolik of ze Roman Empire being broken mit ze power of Laf.
Nau, mein stupit tshildrens, you ask me, “Vat is ze interpretificashun und ze meening zerof?” Und I vill tell you.
Zis dreem meens zat ze Lord is not pleased anymore if you speek to Him in Inglish during your masturbashun ceremonies. From nau on you must speak to Him only in Latin, ze language of ze Romans (und you must smear chocolate syrup on yourself vile you do zis).
If you cannot do vat I ask of you, mein tshildrens, your manshun in Heaven will be made from kardboard instead of kristal glass und you vill not “make it” in ze Endtime.
(end of message from Hitler)
Isn’t that absolutely exciting? I was so excited that I immediately wanted to try it for myself. Well, believe it or not, the Lord gave me a special spirit helper--a strong and muscular, armor-wearing, sword-carrying Roman soldier named Fred--to teach me to speak in Latin.
You’re so sexy, Jesus. = Erectus Dominae maximum es.
You make me so hot! = Carpe diem Celsius!
Wash me with the water of your Words. = Equilibrium ad nauseum en aquarium.
Dance with me and spin me around, Jesus. = Cranium delirium minus Domino effectum.
I want you inside of me. = Insertae genitalium sanctus.
Now the other side of me, Jesus! = Coitus interruptus cum cactus en anus.
But, please, wear this condom first. = Hippopotamus pubicum condominium.
I’ve died and gone to heaven. = Orgasmus fantasticus post mortem.
Fill me with your seeds, Jesus! = Gloria en excelsis spermium sanctus.
Let’s have a threesome. = Spiritus sanctus lesbianus es.
Do me one more time. = Bonus pro bono.
Pass the tissue, Jesus. = Magna carta cum laude.
Could you turn off the lights as you leave? = Amen et cetera.
(end of message from Fred)
Wow! Thank you Jesus for bestowing so much kindness and mercy upon such lowly beggars as ourselves. You pick us up so lovingly and look deep into our eyes as we behold your beautiful face -- your regal balding head, that potent wrinkled forehead, the loving gaze of your lazy eye, your majestic hooked nose, your soothing crooked smile and that piece of spinach wedged so adorably between your false teeth. We couldn’t have imagined a more handsome Husband in our wildest dreams. Thank you Lord!
Well, now, dear ones. I have a little surprise for you. The other day, a package showed up anonymously on my doorstep. I was baffled by its mysterious appearance. It was addressed only “To the Vandari”. The return address read: “Kitchen Deacon c/o Maria and Peter’s House, Queens, NY”
I tore open the padded envelope and pulled out a micro-cassette tape labeled: “Use other side.” I immediately knew there was another important message on this tape, so I pulled out a pen and began transcribing. Here is what the recording said:
(Kitchen Deacon standing in front of bedroom door and speaking into the flower vase on his tray:) Testing, testing, 1...2...3...
(Maria’s muffled voice:) Who’s there?
(Kitchen Deacon:) Obeeah
(Maria:) Obeeah who?
(Kitchen Deacon:) Obeeah Happy Helper, the Kitchen Deacon.
(Maria:) Come in. We’ve been waiting for you to bring us our late-night health drink.
(Kitchen Deacon:) I made it just the way you like it. Raw-eggs, olive oil and cayenne pepper milkshake....and I brought you some flowers too.
(Peter:) How sweet of you, Obeeah. Let me take those....
(Kitchen Deacon:) Oh, no, no.... I’ll just set them (rustle, rustle) over here where it can (clonk) pick up your—I mean—you can pick up their scent.
(Peter:) OK, goodbye then. GBY! (Slam)
(Peter while drinking from the pitcher of health drink:) I still can’t believe Obeeah got the recipe for this wonderful drink in prophecy. I just love it!
(Maria groping blindly:) Ugh! I can’t stand it. Now where did that bag of M&Ms end up?
(Peter:) You’re sitting on it.
(Maria:) Oh... that’s right. Here, help me eat these quick. You never know when Dad’s ghost might show up around here.
(Peter stuffs a handful of M&Ms into his mouth:) Fo, wha di you wan to talg to me abou?
(Maria:) Well, I’ve been thinking. The punishment we gave Brazil has been such a success that I think we need to do something similar for the whole Family.
(Peter while picking his teeth:) So, we’re gonna, like, put everyone on Partial Excomm or something?
(Maria:) No, you idiot. You wanna be out of a job? We’ll have a major walk-out and then what? I’ll end up in an old-folks home for the retarded and you’ll have to get a job as a bagger at Walmart. Think about it. What are you going to put on your resume -- “Administrative Assistant to the Spiritual Head of a Perverted Sex Cult”?
What we need to do is figure out a way to partially excommunicate the entire Family without them clueing in to the fact that we have. I think we need to ask our Heavenly She-male Lover how to go about this.
(Maria and Peter praise the Lord with strong tongues, weeping and hand-stands:)
(Jesus speaking while dressed in Gangsta drab:) Yo, sup Dawg?
(Maria:) Uh....yeah, sup dude, Jesus,...er... man.
Yo stop calling me ‘dude’,
ya evil witch,
ya little snitch yo,
I got enough mo fo’s round here to kick your sorry little ass, yo.
Got a stick up yo ass, ho?
Cuz I am Dgee Zus Kriste,
sliced ‘n’ diced,
not Mr. Nice.
Gonna give it to ya hard,
you spiritual retard.
So taste some street tar,
and bow down to da Man.
(Peter clapping hysterically:) That was awesome, man!
(Jesus speaking:) Tooooootally!
(Maria:) Um, Jesus ..... What’s with the rapping?
(Jesus speaking:) You like it? I was just sort of trying to “play the part”? Remember that GN you did a while back called “Rap It While You Slap It”? Well, Tamar’s finally gotten around to doing the tracing for the cover and since Boris Vallejo didn’t have any pictures of rappers I’m having to dress up so she can use me as a model.
(Maria:) OK, cool!.... So anyway, Jesus. I’m losing my grip on the Family and need to take some drastic action to whip them back into shape. This issue has been on my heart for some time now and I really need some answers from you.
(Jesus speaking:) No problem. I’ve told you to “ask me everything”, right? So, go ahead -- ask me anything.
(Peter:) Sure, OK....Jesus? I’ve got hemorrhoids and was wondering what side of the toilet paper I should use when wiping.
(Jesus speaking:) The coarse side—gets it cleaner. It’ll hurt a bit, but, hey, that’s all part of “dying daily”.
(Maria while tapping her feet and rolling her eyes:) Hello! You’re kind of ignoring your favorite queen here?
(Jesus speaking:) Oops! Sorry. Well, how does this sound: We invent a bunch of demons, get Tamar to trace some evil looking art and publish a 12 GN series on the evils of the System?
(Maria:) Yeah...like that worked the last time we tried it.
(Jesus speaking:) Oh....right. What if you send out a video of yourself dressed in sackcloth and ashes?
(Maria while giving Peter the evil eye:) Don’t even go there.
(Jesus speaking:) Drat! Fresh out of ideas then.
(Peter spits an M&M into his hand:) Cool! Check it out! If you suck off the colored layer you’re left with a little tiny core of pure chocolate.
(Maria scrambles to grab her Dictaphone and begins prophesying with strong weeping and squealing:) Hark, now my children to the voice of the one who is wiser and richer than King Solomon of old. For ye shall structure the Family thus accordingly and like unto resembling this M&M. You, My elite and chosen band of spiritual concubines, shall be likened unto the chocolate core and the outer layer shall be the weaker members who are washed away easily by the saliva of this World. And the people of this outer layer shall ye call “the MMers”.
And furthermore thereafter following in succession, shall ye declare a feast ...
(Peter:) Don’t you mean a ‘fast’?
(Maria:) That too .... And all members shall not drink of the fruit of the vine and of the fruit of the CD player shall they not taste. Neither shall they eat of the leaves of a paperback novel, nor partake of the watching of sinful plays that men do put on little black strips of magnetic ribbon or engrave in platters of silicon.
And they that do these things shall be worthy of the title of “CM” -- which doth stand for “Cerebral Mutants” -- and they shall be strong and do great eggplants, for they alone are worthy.
(Jesus speaking:) Um....Maria? You do realize Nancy will sue your ass for misrepresentation, right?
(Maria:) Ooops. Sorry. Won’t happen again. But I’m getting pretty good at sounding like you, don’t you think? I’ll have my secretary go over that prophecy a few times and insert a paragraph or two here or there and turn it into a 52 page GN.
(Jesus speaking:) OK, sounds like a good idea. Say, do M&Ms have a Web site? I’ll need to know what URL to inspire Tamar to go visit for the artwork.
(Maria:) Oh, thank you Jesus. I’m so excited. I’ll get to work on this right a.... What on earth is that awful smell? Peter??!! Did you fart again?
(Peter wincing:) But.....it was only a little one .... Please don’t hit me....
(Maria grabs the health drink away from Peter:) Gimme that! No wonder you smell like a sewer all the time. I’m going to get rid of this gooey drink this instant.
(Peter while smirking:) Well, how are you going to get rid of it? If you dump it down the kitchen sink Obeeah will see you and if you flush it down the toilet Bathsheba Bathroom, the Toilet Deacon, is going to find out about it.
(Maria:) Hmmmm....... Here, hand me that flower vase, will you? And if I catch you drinking out of this vase, I swear, I’m gonna ....
(end of transcript)
Wow, wasn’t that simply mind blowing? As you can imagine, my first reaction was to rewind the tape and listen to the entire thing again in double speed. Of course, after that I prayed and asked Hitler what he had to say about it. Following is the message he gave:
You see, mein tshildrens? Ze days of ze Family are numbered. Zees poo-poo heads cannot even see zat zey are being infiltrated by ze Vandari. You, mein tshildrens, vill konker ze emenies und be ze victors vons und for all.
(end of message from Hitler)
Thank you, our wonderful Führer for taking the time to answer each of our questions so patiently. Isn’t it wonderful how our loving Leader can answer in a single paragraph what it takes Jesus a whole GN to say?
In closing, I’d like to read to you a question that came in from one of our faithful Vandari on the far-flung mission field of North Dakota.
I was listening to the Loving Jesus Tapes the other day and came across this phrase:
‘Softly I hear His Waters as if it were a thousand lovers kissing’
So my questions are:
What does ‘I hear His Waters’ mean and what exactly does a thousand lovers kissing sound like?
Tidings (of Comfort and Joy)
When taking this very serious and heartfelt question before our Führer, he replied:
Vell, Tidings, I am glad zat you asked zis kwestshun from me und I vill give you klear und simple answers.
“I hear His Waters“ means “He is pissing in mein ear” und a sausand lovers kissing sounds like Queen Peter sucking on an M&M.
(end of message from Hitler)