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Getting Through : Lighten Up

Seven Ways to Know Gods Will

from xhrisl - Saturday, February 28, 2004
accessed 1480 times


God speaks to you in King James English during the morning devotions.

The Burden God gives you correlates nicely with that desire for a certain cute brother/sister.

Despite the fact that the individual you are interested in has no desire to be on the “sharing schedule” with you---you know it’s Gods will and that their lesson is yieldedness.

Resultant of “sharing time” and your decision to “go for the gold” God has blessed your union with a love child.

Because your “loving Jesus time’ resulted in a “Jesus baby” you are not obligated to pay child support---after all it’s His baby.

Because: “Everyone that hath not forsaken…” you decide to be a true revolutionary and abandon ship.

God speaks to you in King James English during the morning devotions.

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from Shaka
Wednesday, March 16, 2005 - 09:49


LMAO! I got this off craigslist. This guy has got to be writing to a Family chick.

Let's Fuck for Jesus!

You're a really, really sweet girl. I knew when I met you at that party last year that you were different, but I wan't sure how. You were really hot, one of the only other sober people there, and you speak spanish, which I enjoy thoroughly. We had a nice chat, I got your number and my friend Anne has emailed me no less than three times telling me you ask about me a lot. I was psyched to meet up with you the other night, and you looked so hot, again.

But your a Jesus freak. I mean, I know about the guy, and I think it's cool to have a spritual side and all, but you're really all about him, aren't you? It took about 5 minutes for me to realize that we were going to talk about god all night. And I really tried to sympathize with your faith that Jesus gave you a second chance at life after a rough childhood. I was struggling to find encouraging things to say, and I held my toungue pretty well. But here's the deal:

I don't believe in god, babe. Nope, not even an inkling. I'm what you call an Atheist, because your organization needs a word to describe people who don't believe what you believe. Atheist is a newer, kinder word. I would have been a heretic, sinner, witch, blasphemer or satanist had we met in another century, but now, I'm an atheist. Or secular humanist, or, as I like to say, normal. And, sadly, you're in a cult. A Messianic cult, which may be better than some other cults, but it's still a cult, and you're completely brainwashed. I mean, there's very little room in your thinking for any kind of science, let alone philosophy or literature that isn't written in praise of your Leader, and that just sucks, conversationally speaking. I mean we can't really talk about anything without your ultimate arbiter coming into play, at which point the conversation is over. Here's an example from the other night:

Me: Yeah, there was another protest about same sex marriage downtown today, I checked it out.

You: Well homosexuality is a sin against god's plan, you know.

Me: Right. More wine?

What do I say then? You trump everything with the J man, and I have to change the subject, because to debate the issue is to bring up your faith, which is pretty much not debatable. I mean, sure, I could just say I believe this because a magic pie I worship tells me so, but where would that leave us? Pretty much right here.

The toughest part is, all of your holiness is really getting in the way of my porno titfuck fantasy of you. I mean, I really want to do this, it's completely absorbing my thoughts lately, but I feel like Jesus is standing between me and my desire to make love to your breasts. I can almost see his face right in your cleavage saying, No! You will not fuck these titties, non-believer!

So, since nobody really knows what Jesus would do anyway, I'm enlisting the Son of God to get me on your tits. And here's my plan: I'm going to play along with your Jesus land fanstasy for a bit, and slowly convince you that, yes, Jesus wants us to get freaky. Any act that inspires you to yell his name in ecstasy HAS to be god's will. So, baby, let's fuck for Jesus.


(reply to this comment)

From Nick
Wednesday, March 16, 2005, 11:32


LOL, thats a good one.

I bet that is what was going through 90% of all those "Kings" heads when they were being FFed. (reply to this comment

From xolox
Wednesday, March 16, 2005, 10:21


Did you find this in the rants and raves section?

(reply to this comment

From Shaka
Wednesday, March 16, 2005, 10:25

No, it's from Under Best of Craigslist. Some funny shit on there.(reply to this comment
from Thinking for Myself
Friday, March 05, 2004 - 11:50


May take on a translation into plain English of the original "7 Ways to know God's Will":

1) The Word = being good at extracting random phrases and giving them the spin I need.

2) The Voice of the Word = #1 unplugged (i.e., in an interpretation by the little voices that would send most people to a shrink)

3) Direct Revelation = what I feel like doing, accessorized with unverifiable messages from on high.

4) Godly Counsel = controlling busybodies (aka "shepherds").

5) Open & Closed Doors = opportunism (learned very well in The Family's economy of shiftlessness).

6) Burdens = what do I feel like doing? Aka #3 undisguised.

7) Fleeces = superstition, obsessive-compulsive disorder or gambling
(reply to this comment)

from thixotropic
Wednesday, March 03, 2004 - 16:44

Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5(Agree/Disagree?)
Good one. It's curious how TF always insisted "they're all our children" when they had us in their possession and control, but now they strive to wash their hands of the abuses that we suffered under their possession and control. A system like that can never work humanely, if power and control are sought but the attending responsibility and accountability shunned! It's the economists' Tragedy of the Commons redux.
(reply to this comment)
from Mydestinyismine
Tuesday, March 02, 2004 - 03:13


Could also be, "Seven reasons why the Law of Love doesnt work".
(reply to this comment)

From Banshee
Tuesday, March 02, 2004, 07:47

Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5(Agree/Disagree?)
Yes, except that there's a hell of a lot more than seven! :)(reply to this comment

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