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Getting Through : Lighten Up

Candlelight Service

from Banshee - Tuesday, December 30, 2003
accessed 1739 times

Anyone remember those endless hours of Candlelight Service, sitting with hot wax dripping off your tiny paper plate on to your hands, listening to each person add the last person's goal and prayer to their already extensive list, with your only reason for staying alive through the ordeal was the slim possibility of getting a watered-down glass of bargain wine-punch at the end of it?

Or should I say can anyone forget them?

Here is my irreverent take on the New Year service, just for fun, and I didn't want to hog them all, so please add your own "Then and Now". Happy Free New Year!!!

Then : I知 thankful for all of the breakings I went through this past year.

Now : I知 thankful that the only breaking was that of my arm on my last snowboarding trip to Crested Butte.

Then : I知 thankful for all the lessons that the Lord is teaching me.

Now : I知 thankful for all the lessons and classes and courses at my collage
that I can now freely attend, without being looked at as undedicated. I知 thankful I finally live in an environment where it痴 cool to be smart and it痴 admired to want a higher education. I知 thankful for every degree I earned with my own sweat and tears, and that I no longer have to convince myself or anyone else that a CVC diploma actually accounts for something.

Then : I知 thankful for my shepherds and leaders.

Now : I知 thankful that my boss doesn稚 live with me, make me write detailed reports of my daily BM consistency, tell me who I can be friends with, who I can fuck, or what music I can listen too. I am thankful that he doesn稚 come to my room at night with a flashlight to make sure I知 not wearing underwear. I知 thankful that my boss doesn稚 spank my kids.

Then : I知 so thankful for the latest bundle of joy from heaven this year, my 17th sibling!

Now : I知 thankful for birth control! Yeah, baby!

Then : I知 thankful for the Law of Love and all it is teaching me.

Now : I知 thankful that I no longer have to bang old men out of 電uty to God. I am thankful that I no longer have to share my man with some bitch that then thinks she痴 going to make a threesome with us, and I知 thankful that if my man sleeps around on me, I can now throw his ass out without guilty feelings for being 屠ealous, or getting a lecture about being 砥nrevolutionary and 都elfish.

Then : I知 thankful for the Loving Jesus Revelation, and how it is bringing me closer to the Lord.

Now : I知 thankful that my self-servicing activities are no longer anybody痴 business but my own, that I no longer have to write 鍍estimonies about it, nor use them as a gauge of my level of spiritual righteousness. I知 thankful that the only mental image I have to conjure up while wanking is that of my own fantasies, and that I am now free to use porn as much as I damn well want to!

Then : I知 thankful for the Keys of the Kingdom that the Lord has given to us.

Now : I知 thankful for the keys to my new home, and the keys to my car!

Then : I知 thankful for all the many blessing that the Lord gave me this year.

Now : I知 thankful for all the many blessings I have now that I never knew existed. I知 thankful for the knowledge of true freedom, freedom of mind, of heart, and of soul. I知 thankful for the strength of spirit that makes me a survivor.

Then : My prayer for this year is to grow closer to the Lord.

Now : My goal for this year is to grow closer to my family, and to care for my children the way I should have been cared for; to protect them from harm; to give them all the choices and diversity that I was not given, and to raise them free from spiritual oppression.

Then : My prayer for this New Year is to be a better disciple.

Now : My goal for the New Year is to become a better person, to leave behind my past, to heal, and to continue moving on.

Then : My prayer for the New Year is that The Family will continue to grow and prosper.

Now : My hope for the New Year is that The Family will...well, you know.

Reader's comments on this article

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from Sonderval
Friday, January 16, 2004 - 03:20


Then : I知 thankful for the Keys of the Kingdom that the Lord has given to us.

Now : Babe, have you seen the carkeys, no they're not in my pocket, what do you mean I had em last, you locked the car, you what? Oh great, so they could be anywhere, oh, never mind, found em, thanks babe.

(reply to this comment)

from itsxena2u
Saturday, January 03, 2004 - 11:20


yeah, now you can spend the New Years getting hot wax poured all over you instead of just on your fingers from holding a candle all night. And you can have a blast getting wasted with Captain Morgan instead of drinking cheap ass, watered down puch and expect to get "high" on the Holy Ghost.
(reply to this comment)

from banal_commentator
Saturday, January 03, 2004 - 10:11

My verse for the new year was the same for about ten years: "Let your light so shine....." It never failed me.
(reply to this comment)
from EP
Thursday, January 01, 2004 - 17:34


candlelight a combo.....lord hve mercy... what pain in the ass. Remember when we wouldn't have enough money for the candles and so would "recycle" them as we went along. And even when everyone started to get tired and wanted to get over w/ it (even the FGA's) there was always some extra "spiritual" person who figured they'd get extra prop's from the home shepherd if they read psalm... whatever the longest psalm was and follow it with a prayer that would make Jesus Christ himself want to tell the bloody morons to shut the fuck up. And if the main candle (I think it was supposed to be the "Jesus" candle) would go out it would take forever to find another match to light the darn think. My prayer for the New Year, "Oh God PLEEEEASE, don't let that candle go out!" The watered down wine was good though.. (ugh) and it was always entertaining to see which of the Jett boys was gonna feign drunkenness this time...
(reply to this comment)

from dave
Thursday, January 01, 2004 - 12:01

I remember as a kid the candle light services were fun 'cause we got to hang out with our friends from other homes, the downside of course was whole candle light ceremony was always much longer than all the devotions from that week combined. But my favorite thing was counting how many ill-prepared and half asleep adults quickly quoted the "he must increase, I must decrease" verse, as their verse for the new year. Some French "bretheren" always seemed to be the ones caught off-guard, the same ones, every year. Come on, you had 3+ hours watching that candle go slowly around the room, how hard is to find a more original verse. LOL. Brings back funny memories.
(reply to this comment)

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