from JohnnieWalker - Thursday, June 19, 2003
accessed 2593 times
The inside scoop of Family poop.
Dear Ones (and, lest I forget: Dear Twos, Eights and Twenty-nines),
I felt a real burden on my heart as well as several checks and check-mates in the spirit, that I should write to you concerning a very serious situation that has come up which our loving FŁhrer spoke to me about. (Tongues:) Mooooooooooo Ding-a-Ling. Wow! What an incredible experience! Praise you our sweet Husband for giving me the gift of cow tongues.
I was on my bed (as usual) enjoying my spiritual meal of Daily Bread, New Wine and a Mop (suprisingly, the latter tastes pretty good when enjoyed together with a glass of WNDEX).
Suddenly, as I was finishing up my meal, Hitlerís spirit flew into the room and floated gracefully to the floor. He must have been at least 10 feet tall. His feet were on the ground, and his head reached up out of sight through the ceiling. Some of you might wonder how I recognized him if I couldnít see his face. Well, I couldnít. But when I prayed, the Lord told me to look towards a corner of my room and there, hovering over the trash can, was Hitlerís head. He was beaming and smiling and crossing his eyes, so I knew he wanted to speak to me. Here is what he said:
(Hitler speaking:) Heil, all mein tshildrens! You are my Vandari of ze Endtime, und I am veri pleesed wiss your progress.
Az most of you know, ze Family in Brazil has been placed on P.E. (also known as Post-mortem Erections, Psychic Elephants, und, in some cases, Partial Extracommunifikashun). Vat you do not know is that a speshell branch of ze Vandari called ĎThe V.U.L.V.A.í (Very Undercover League of Vandari in Action) has managed to get ahold of ze actual tape kassette vich was used to record the prossefy session in vich Zerby und Peter prayed about vat to do mit ze Family in Brazil.
Mein tshildrens, I vill nau read you a direct transkript of zis tape:
(Scheisse!! Verdammt nochmal!!! ... Um.....Iím sorry. Zat tape vas blank. Hmmm...Nau ver did I put it? Dit I file it under ĎBí for Brazil?.....No......ĎFí for Fandari, perhaps?.... ĎMí?.... Nein. Only mein favorit tape of "Music for Quiet Moments" unter zat letter...... AHA! Zer it is! Under ĎVí for "Vat-ze-f**k?!")
So, mein speshell tshildrens! Hier is ze transkript:
(Zerby:) Hallelujah, Thank You Jesus, Thank You Lord, Hallelujah, Thank You Jesus, Thank You Lord, Hallelujah, Thank You Jesus, Thank You Lord, Hallelujah, Thank You Jesus, Thank You Lord, Hallelujah, Thank You Jesus, Thank You Lord, Hallelujah, Thank You Jesus, Thank You Lord, Hallelujah, Thank You Jesus, Thank You Lord, Hallelujah, Thank You Jesus, Thank You Lord...
(Peter:) Shoda bodi bodi. Hooda badi badi. Sheeza honee honee. Needza wompa wompa. Gonna hankee pankee. Mista Lova Lova. Goda teenee weenee.
(Zerby prays:) Lord, Your children in Brazil have sinned a mighty sin. They need PUNISHMENT, Lord. We need You to speak to us now. We sit at your feet as we stand humbly before You and kneel in adoration while jumping for joy at Your presence. We hold our broken hearts in our bare hands and raise our hands into the air splattering pieces of heart all over the place.
Tell us now, our darling Husband, what PUNISHMENT we must give these people. Weíre calling You for help on the Heavenly Hotline now. Please answer us.
(Jesus speaking:) (Click) Hi, youíve reach Jesus at 1-800-2-BLOWME. Iím not in at the moment, but if you leave your name and number at the beep, Iíll get back to you as soon as the freezer in Hell gets fixed. (Beeeep)
(Zerby nudges Peter who, it seems, has just discovered that there was more in his nose than just nasal hair:) Psssst! Peter. What are we going to do? Jesus isnít in.
(Peter chews slowly, pondering the taste of his latest nasal discovery:) Well, we could just make something up and pretend that we heard from the Lord about it.
(Horrified Zerby:) Peter! How could you dare suggest such a thing. I would NEVER do something like that. Iím going to give you a PUNISHMENT for even thinking about it.
(Peter:) Alright, alright! Letís try again. Maybe Heís back at his desk by now.
(Zerby:) Hallelujah, Thank you Jesus, Thank You Lord .....
(Peter:) Wata lota doo doo. Goda meka pee pee. Needa flogie flogie. Goda smellee feetee....
(Jesus speaking:) Space City. Jesus speaking. How may I help you?
(Zerby:) Oh, our sweet and wonderful Lover! How we love to hear your sweet voice. We love You. We need You. We want You. We adore You. We need You to f**k our brains out. Do us, Jesus! Do us now!
(Jesus speaking:) Um...... Right!.......Now look, Iíve got a lot of other business to attend to. I have a photo shoot for the cover of a GN coming up in 10 minutes, so please make this brief.
(Peter:) The Family in Brazil is being naughty and we need You to give them a correction, Jesus...
(Zerby interupts:) A PUNISHMENT, Lord. Nothing less. They need a PUNISHMENT!
(Jesus speaking while yawning loudly:) Oh, alright. Well, give them the usual, then -- Partial Excomm, no System books, no movies, no System music, no internet browsing and no sex.
(Zerby:) Yes, Jesus. But, if they donít have any sex, then You donít get any.
(Jesus speaking:) Right. I forgot. Take out the "no sex" bit then. But do me a favor and clarify that they shouldnít have sex with outsiders. I donít want to contract HIV, AIDS or some other STD. It would completely ruin the L.J., P.&P., C.R.O., J.J.T., G.B.Y., G.O.O.P., B.U.R.P., C.R.A.P. and Z.I.T. -- P.T.L.?
(Peter:) Yes! Amen! I agree. The Family definitely shouldnít stop taking time for a "Piece of Prince", if youíll pardon the pun...
(Zerby:) Not, pun, you moron!....pun-ISHMENT! PUNISHMENT! Really, Jesus, Youíre not listening to me.
(Jesus speaking:) Yeah, yeah....Whatever. I think that all the other restrictions Iíve listed should be enough to make them pay for their sins.
(Zerby:) Wow! Thank You Jesus. Youíre so brilliant! "Make them pay for their sins". Why, itís sheer genius, Jesus. They can keep sending in their tithe and turn in their HER funds and we wonít give them anything in return for it.
(Peter:) But I thought we werenít really giving them anything in return for their tithe anyw....
(Zerby while clenching teeth:) Utshay upay, Eterpay!
(Jesus speaking:) Well, yes that is an idea. But itís not quite what I meant. You see...
(Zerby interupts:) Oh, thank you, Wonderful Lover! We worship and adore You. We are not worthy to eat the crumbs from off Thy table and drink the spittle of Thy nightly drooling. We are worthy of nothing but to humbly suck Thy seed. Thank You very much for Your words of wisdom. Weíll call You again soon. Gotta run now. Bye. (Click)
Hallelujah, Peter. Our Husband, Lover, and Spiritual Male Concubine has punched though again! Isnít this thrilling? Iíll need to present this to the Family in person on video. Oh God, what am I going to wear?
Peter, do I still have that fabulous gown I wore at our impromptu wedding? With some make-up on I think Iíll look impressive enough to earn the Familyís respect.
This is so exciting! I can hardly wait to tell Misty about this! Iíll ask her to fast and pray about the details of the punishment. ... And speaking of punishment, Iíll remind her to pray for your herpes outbreak, too.
(Zerby closes bedroom door behind her)
(Peter:) Punishment, punishment! Thatís all she can think about. She should send the Brazilian Family a video of herself doing a striptease. That should be punishment enough for them.
Well, at least her eyesight is too bad to notice that I replaced her "fabulous gown" with a sackcloth robe and put ashes in her make-up kit!
S**t, is this thing still recording? Whereís the f**king ĎSTOPí button....
(end of transcript)
(Hitler speaking:) So, you see mein tshildrens, ze power of ze Vandari is veri strong und ze minds of Peter und Zerby are turning into vegetable soup. Soon zer will be enough vegetables in zer heds to feed all ze Family for many years. Zis will turn the Familyís brains to vegetable soup, too.
In fakt, would you like to know a seekret? It started a long time ago. Und ze proof of zis is the words of zer songs. Hau else do you explain lyriks like:
Ba bap pada, bap pada, bap pada
Bada bapa, bada bapa, bap pada
Da da dum
(Battle Hymn of the Revolution, First Verse)
Und nau, mein dear vons, I must leef you. But if you stay in ze spirit, maybe you will see mein head floating over your trash kan too someday. Ja?
(end of message from Hitler)