from noregrets - Thursday, April 12, 2007
accessed 1020 times
This should be interesting....
You see...I stumbled on this by accident.
I was actually net chasing Noah's video. I had been on this site ages ago, 2004 to be exact, my user name was: not_an_angel1978, it's been so long I forgot my password.
Neeway, I haven't done this before and I guess it's about time to.
I was never one of the "Famous" kids, unless being a "rotten apple" made you famous. I'm probably one of those kids that, even if you lived with me you probably wouldn't remember me unless you so happen to remember "the really, really bad girl who got too many demerits and was in love with Checho..." Sorry, personal joke.
I'm Brazilian, was born here and lived half of my life here, my parents are both Brazilian, and were never the famous types. I lived in the family till I was fourteen, when my parents finally got kicked out.
Now the story behind that is pretty interesting. I was being sexually abused by my step father. It started when I was barely eleven, and went on until I was 15. I won't get into that because it's not worth re-living all the gruesome details. I had a lot of problems because of this, which I only now see were caused by the abuse. I was always in trouble, ALWAYS. And for the longest time, I always believed it was because I was really really bad and out of the spirit. I would lie a lot, which got me more than a fair share of "Silence restrictions", kiss boys (I know BIG sin, I actually got put on what I call "Affection Probation" were no one was allowed to touch me physically for a certain amount of time), and just basically couldn't get things right.
I was an outcast, basically, due to the fact that I couldn't keep my mouth shut, and always spoke my mind. I didn't have all the nice things the "Famous" or shepherd kids had, or their privileges for that matter. Who said that there wasn't prejudice in the Family? Later on talking to my mom I realized that she felt it more than I did, I guess I was young and stupid. Quick example: I fell for a boy who was the son of my JETT shepherd at the time who also happened to be also the son of a famous family musician, I got in trouble for making out with him. But it was perfectly okay for a big shepherd's daughter to do so.
Anyway, during this time no one knew the hell I was going trough. And I never opened my mouth, especially during the persecution times when we were taught that that type of thing didn't happen. I truly believed in the "cause". When I was 14 I couldn't take it anymore, I finally told my only friend at the time, who so happened to be a young adult and mom of two, she obviously told the shepherds at the "last chance" home we lived in. What came after that was a blur of things I'd rather forget.
Quick run-down: He denied the whole thing, I was the lying rebellious teen daughter who dared to make such a dangerous accusation, the shepherdess of the home had a "thing" for him, and hated me and my mom, even though she was a married mother of 7, "silence restriction" here we go again, forbidden to talk to my only friend, and forced to read hundreds of letters on the dangers of gossip. I felt like I was doomed to hell for the rest of my life. I made a few promises to myself that day, one of them was that I would become the type of person that people wouldn't be able to doubt. Guess the "wolf, wolf" story finally served its purpose. Nowadays I'm known for being brutally honest.
A couple weeks later, an aunty caught him jacking off to me while I was in the shower, he got off with a prayer of deliverance, and a "promise you won't do that again" tap on the back. No one ever came to talk to me. I did finally get off silence restriction though, which in my head was a plus. My mom was pissed, she started to make noise, I guess that was too much to handle, and they kicked them out. My life was hell from that moment on. I guess somehow I had the slight protection of the homes, and nowadays I wonder if I wasn't always acting up in school so I wouldn't be allowed to go home and see my parents which was the punishment for too many demerits and things of the sort. My mom, now I see was brainwashed, that's the only explanation I can find. You see, I have two daughters of my own now, and if I even dream they're in any danger of any sort I would literally kill, with no conscience pang of any sort. SO only someone who is not themselves could have been blind to that sort of thing, specially a mom.
After going through hell out here, not only from the abuse which only stopped a year later, but also from being so fucking naive to the big bad world, I started finding my own two feet. It took me years to understand a lot of things, and I still needed to find so many answers, so I rejoined when I was 20, got my answers, left almost 4 years ago.
It's a long story, and what I have written here is just a miniature run-down.
Funny, I don't hate the family. I resented the many many things that happened to me for so long, but finally I decided I was better than that. I found myself, I'm my own person. I have my own opinions, I agree to sometimes disagree with so many others, but I don't hate them. I have so much to worry about in my life, my good life, with all its ups and downs, my gorgeous daughters, my amazing boyfriend, my jobs...and all that goes along with this crazy and scary thing I'm in love with called life. I don't have time to loose by even thinking about how badly I was fucked up by the whole ordeal, I am who I made myself today, and I'm fucking proud of it. I, just like I did with my abuser forgave them, and don't hate them. I am what I made myself into, and the ones that were wrong and wronged me along with so many others, along with the guy who took away my innocence, along with my self-esteem and so many other things from me for so many years of my life, will get what is coming to them...what goes around comes around.
So I don't worry about it, I just live my life, knowing that God loves me no matter what, knowing that I'm a happy fulfilled woman with no regrets.