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Getting Support : Been There, Done That

Looking for advice

from redrobin - Sunday, March 27, 2005
accessed 1134 times

I am looking for advice on how to support an ex-Family member as he tries to overcome some of the psychological effects of being raised in the Family.

This is the first time I have posted on this website, but I have read many articles and posts on the site before. Well, I am engaged to an amazing and wonderful man who was raised in the Family. I love him with all my heart. He is now at a point in his life where he has decided he wants to being "dealing" with the effects of the way he was raised. He has always tried to see the Family as a good thing in his life so as not to be angry, but he has now come to realize that even though there were parts of the Family that were great, there were also parts of the Family that were not so great. Anyway, he struggles with many of the same psychological obstacles that I read about on this site. I am basically writing to get some advice on how to support him through this tough time. I have some opinions and beliefs about the Family and how it might be affecting him, but i was not raised in the Family. I want to be able to share with him some of my opinions regarding the Family, if it is helpful for him, but I also do not want to offend him because the Family is a big part of who he is and how he was raised. Anyway, I feel as if I am rambling. I basically am just looking for some advice on how to support him through this time. Thank you.

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from Vessel
Thursday, April 14, 2005 - 18:49

You're in a tough situation but I agree with the following comment. Support him but don't pity him. I am in a similar situation. I was born & raised in TF & am not angry but I have also realized that some issues weren't necessarily right. At the same time we have to realize that being raised this way has made us extrodinary individuals. Granted, there are parts of adjusting to life in the "real world" that are hard & downright embarrassing, for example not knowing anything about TV, music, etc, cornerstone songs, icons & such from our past which people our own age are very familiar with...but you know what...there is so much more that we can give & if we take some time to educate ourselves then it's not so bad & you learn to adjust. I've learned to have no shame in asking what a specific thing is if I don't recognize it....if, or I should say when people are surprised I simply tell them that I was raised outside of the country most of my life & am learning. Anyways, hope this helps. Good luck. Email if you'd like.
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from Sonderval
Monday, March 28, 2005 - 11:08


Tricky situation, the important thing is not to let your opinions and perceptions colour things, for a start you weren't there, secondly the experience of every ex-member is different and often affects them in different ways, third it never pays to think that you know what someone else is thinking, most of the time people barely know what they're thinking themselves.

Just keep it real, you're both grown ups and I'm sure you have issues of your own as well, never met anyone who didn't, just treat each other like adults and keep communicating and I hope everything works out for you both. Remember nobody has the answers to anything and try not to get frustrated and feel helpless if he goes through something you don't understand, just try and be there, sometimes that's all the help anyone can give.

Good luck, and of course remember that anyone giving advice is probably full of shit as they don't really know your situation or the people involved, including me.
(reply to this comment)

from Fish
Monday, March 28, 2005 - 08:35

Support him, but don’t let him wallow in self pity. Our past in the family is something we must come to terms with on our own. There’s only so much you can do for him. Good luck, I think you’ll need it…

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