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Getting Support : Speaking Out

Still Mad As Hell!

from madly - Monday, February 26, 2007
accessed 6129 times

The following are excerpts from a letter written to my sister who is currently still a member of TF:

Dear D,
I am confused, because you seem to want to pretend that we are sisters now and that I should forget everything from our past. I could do this and part of me may even want to, however; your lack of understanding and your blatant unwillingness to admit what happened to me, makes this very difficult for me to seriously consider. Because of you, I have been dwelling recently on the events that haunt my past. Events which you still seem to overlook, deem a lie; issues that hold little importance to you or the group that you give your life to. I am writing to tell you that I feel sorry for you, to tell you that you have earned my pity, but have lost my respect and the right to be looked at as my family. I have a sincere sense of sympathy for you, for your ignorance and apparent utter weakness that would leave you where you are at presently.

I would like to speak to you as my sister, my blood, and not as a member of the group. Yet, I know this is impossible, for you lack the capability to seek the truth and see things for what they are. You do as you are told and view things as you are instructed to do so. Unlike me, you were always such a good obedient girl. I will forever be looking for the part of you that seeks wisdom and understanding. The place within you that must, at least in some minute way, suspect the evil that has come from the group you choose to honor with your very life. I want to tell you how horrified I am at the thought of you giving your life to something that destroyed such a big part of mine; a slap in the face or a knife to the heart would have hurt less.

Is it wise to give a child only one option of living? Would it be considered love to set your child up for a life that they did not choose and may not want nor believe in? Will your children grow up with all the options available to them and the support they need or will they grow up hating you for the life that you chose for them, without their consent? Do you really believe that there is only one way to make a difference in this world and that is your way, or do you at least admit that there is more than one way to live a good life with significance and meaning?

Remember how I used to fight with mom about this? I would say: “Does a Doctor have 8 children, mom, and expect every single one of them to grow up and become a doctor?” Think about it. I mean, he may hope for some to follow in his footsteps, but a wise man would know and desire his children to choose their own path, their own life, and destiny.

My life was not given for our parents to live, it was intended for me, and me alone! A loving parent understands this concept and is thus faced with the obligation of showing their child the world, giving them as much information, knowledge, and options as possible. They do this hoping their child will grow up informed and ready to make their own choice as to what they will become. Do you feel that your daughters have this option and if they choose to go their own way, will you support them or will you abandon them in the same way you did your very own sister?

You have told me time and time again that I was lying, that I did not go through the abuse and torture that I have told you of and the abuse that you did witness was for my own good. I deserved it because of my worldly ways and lack of willingness to heed to the life set before me. Why should I heed and accept a life that I did not choose, nor care to live or be a part of? Why was I wrong to question and to look at other options of living? Is your God so hateful that he would expect someone to live a miserable life and put it in their heart to want to get out and try another way? If so, you can keep you God and I will take my chances in hell.

“For what doth it profit a man if he should gain the whole world and lose his own soul?” Well… I would have to argue: what doth it profit a man if he should gain his soul and have no life left to enjoy it? Have you thought for a minute that you may be wrong about the life you are giving up to earn yourself a lovely mansion in heaven? What if you gave up this life for a heaven that does not exist and it turns out this life was all you had? Would you still live the way you are? Here and now is what matters; so you can have your heaven and I will have my now.

If you truly want to be a missionary, I see nothing wrong with this and I completely respect your choice to do so. However; giving your life to a group that does not care for its own members, yet preaches love, is a hypocritical outright lie and you cannot offer people the truth when you do not have the truth to give them. How can you believe and support a group that takes a little girl, abuses her in every which way, causes her to grow up hating life, feeling unloved, lost, alone, abandoned by her own family, because of the wishes of the group? How can you preach love and not love your own? How can you seek the truth and not listen to everyone that has tried to tell you their stories of abuse from within your group? Go, be a missionary. If that is what you truly want to be, I will even support you, but do it for someone that has not condoned and overlooked child abuse, for this is not the Christian way.

You know that that song your group sings, “In the room”? “In the room your never alone, lots of people are with you and they tell you that it’s your home. In the room there is a window and your name above the door, but you can’t go out now, your friends have locked the door. ‘Who wants to go out?’ they say, ‘it’s nice and warm in here. Come take a walk with us. We love to have your near.’ But I want to see… I want to feel… I hear the wind blowing, so don’t tell me it isn’t real. I’ll climb out the window if you won’t open the door. I’ll do anything. I know there’s got to be more!”

I still love that song and you know why? Because this song is very true, but you and your group have it backwards, for this song is about you. You, in there, living a closed off prison cell existence of a life, allowing them to tell you there is nothing out here, but evil, pain, and hardships. They are the liars and you are the victim. That song is the perfect depiction of my life in The Family. That is why I loved that song, because I wanted to SEE! I wanted to FEEL! I wanted to climb out the window and you know I did a few times. It was always funny to me when they would sing that song, because I knew who it was really about.

Do you see that light shining through the crack in your window? Do you ever wonder what is out there and what you may be missing? There is a whole beautiful world out here that our parents didn’t tell us about and you are missing it. Just know that it is here and that you would fit nicely in it and I would love to show it to you.

Until that day, you tell me: “Just get over it.” You say: “Forget about it.” Well… that is easier said than done and I will live my life and be happy, but I won’t forget more than half my life and what I had to endure. When you say such things, it makes me look at you with disbelief and disgust for what you have overlooked and denied. I am your sister and you should have had my back and my best interest at heart. I will forgive you, but I will not forget. So, my answer to you is: “I know you said I should just get over it… well it turned my whole life around… Forgive sounds good, forget... I’m not sure I could. They say, time heals everything, but I’m still waiting. I’m not ready to make nice. I’m not ready to back down. I’m still mad as hell and I don’t have time to go round and round and round. It’s too late to make it right. Probably wouldn’t if I could, because I am mad as hell and can’t bring myself to do what it is you think I should!”


Reader's comments on this article

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from anon666
Tuesday, December 25, 2007 - 19:40

(Agree/Disagree?)
Fucking love that song. But it was always about you imho. Just like it was about them when they sang it
(reply to this comment)
from Kelly
Wednesday, December 19, 2007 - 19:13

This thread has been made private Private Thread for: madly Kelly
from oh
Wednesday, December 19, 2007 - 13:11

(Agree/Disagree?)
Madly, this must have been REAL Hard for you to write. TRULY stay strong and NICE!
(reply to this comment)
From madly
Wednesday, December 19, 2007, 13:25

(Agree/Disagree?)
Nice? Real and nice... hmmmm... is that even possible? I think I will just be and see what happens.(reply to this comment
From "to be or not to be" is that the question?
Wednesday, December 19, 2007, 14:14

(
Agree/Disagree?)

yet truly hopeful that time will tell!(reply to this comment

from prince c
Monday, May 28, 2007 - 22:15

This thread is in The Trailer Park 
from prince c
Monday, May 28, 2007 - 19:36

(Agree/Disagree?)
im kinda sorry madly......i dont think your a spy......its just where im from, if someone calls you crazy, you call them a spy......thats the only way i know........peace madly
(reply to this comment)
from prince c
Sunday, May 27, 2007 - 19:57

This thread is in The Trailer Park 
from valhalla
Tuesday, April 24, 2007 - 15:42

(Agree/Disagree?)
Im having an insane deja vu about that part where you stated what the lyrics of "the room" meant to you. it was the same for me too and i belive that those lyrics were written in a pure craving for freedom symbolizing true emotions. pity it was used by the cults media and turned into a propaganda song.
(reply to this comment)
from Nancy
Wednesday, February 28, 2007 - 17:56

(Agree/Disagree?)

Hi Madly,

I have a friend that was very touched and could relate to your article. You know her, too. She'd really like to chat with you. Would you email me, so I can give you her name and phone number? cmadi2@yahoo.com Thanks!
(reply to this comment)

from jolifam77
Wednesday, February 28, 2007 - 17:46

Average visitor agreement is 3.5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 3.5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 3.5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 3.5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 3.5 out of 5(Agree/Disagree?)

"...giving your life to a group that does not care for its own members, yet preaches love, is a hypocritical outright lie and you cannot offer people the truth when you do not have the truth to give them"

This is the main reason I left. Toward the end, as I turned 20, I realized that all we were doing out there on the mission field was sell tapes to the rich, and pretend to help the poor, while lying to ourselves that we were making a difference. This lie grew harder and harder to believe, until I just gave up, couldn't take it any more. Now I really don't get missionaries at all no matter what religion, group, or cult, other than that it must be some weird, sick, perverted mentality, probably best explained by a psychologist. I think every missionary should have his/her head examined.
(reply to this comment)

from Oddie
Tuesday, February 27, 2007 - 22:12

Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5(Agree/Disagree?)
What did I tell you, madly?

Emotional vibration, emotional resonance it is.
(reply to this comment)
from shikaka
Tuesday, February 27, 2007 - 18:34

Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5(Agree/Disagree?)

Standing ovation. Spot on.

I felt the urge to cut/paste this article, verbatim, into a letter to my sister in the cult. The tragic thing is, I dont think I even care enough anymore to do it. Ive become this apathetic? Am I one of the ExSGAs that stand around and nod, deploring the abuse and "calling" for justice, and yet not taking any physical steps to do something about it?
(reply to this comment)

From jolifam77
Wednesday, February 28, 2007, 19:27

(Agree/Disagree?)
It's beating a dead horse at this point. The Family is dead. you could go the, er, Ricky route, but wtf? how can squeeze anything out of an old lady? a confession, apology? money? there aren't any brain cells left in the old farts. And we're getting older too. Don't life suck? when I think about how little difference it makes in the grand scheme of things, makes me want to put a gun to my head each time. All i can say God damn those who exploit others. may death greet them in a grisly fashion. all the fucks the world over. fuck it.(reply to this comment
from vix
Tuesday, February 27, 2007 - 15:54

Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5(Agree/Disagree?)

Admin, I'd like to nominate this article for a place on the homepage.

Exquisitely written, intensely moving.


(reply to this comment)

from Amaneusis
Tuesday, February 27, 2007 - 14:24

Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5(Agree/Disagree?)
The act of forgiveness does not require forgetting; if anything, forgiveness requires explicity remembering so that you can choose to say, "So-and-so did thing that hurt me badly, but I'm not holding it against him or her." How can you forgive what you don't remember? Only fools forget the past. The wise remember and learn from it.
(reply to this comment)
from loch
Tuesday, February 27, 2007 - 09:56

Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5(Agree/Disagree?)
That was so well put! It covered all the base reasons we have to be frustrated with current members. I could swear that I know you, most of what you said sounds like converstations I've had with my closest friends.
(reply to this comment)
From madly
Tuesday, February 27, 2007, 14:21

Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5(Agree/Disagree?)
Well… in a way we all know each other and will be forever linked because of our shared past. We have a connection that cannot be given, an understanding that cannot be shared with anyone, but us. Isn’t this why we come to this site? For a sense of belonging, a place where we can just feel accepted without having to explain our life, what has made us who we are, and put us where we are at today? No one can understand a life such as ours with out living it for themselves. I have come to the realization that a life such as ours is inconceivable and incomprehensible for an outsider to relate to… not their fault, but it wasn’t given for them to live, therefore; they will never completely comprehend, which is a need that we all share; to be fully understood, and that is why we need each other. (reply to this comment
From vix
Tuesday, February 27, 2007, 15:30

Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5(Agree/Disagree?)

I have such an ambivalent relationship with this site. So many times I've felt an intense urge to cut my ties with this place, and tried. And failed miserably. For sure I do need to learn to regulate my dependency. But truly, this place is where my closest friends are (outside of a small circle of wonderful people who I am lucky enough to be with in person) and I will always appreciate each of the awesome people I've met or re-met on this site and grown to care about. You all, I hope, know who you are. You mean the absolute world to me.

Perhaps my constant compulsion to cut myself off from movingon is actually an inability to accept how much I need it. I do so despise the part of me that feels too much, needs too much, wants too much.

I know I'm not good at moderation, and I've lived *too* much of my life here in recent years, but on the other hand, I have done so much learning here. I love you all, each and every one, in some way, even the ones I've sparred with more vehemently than others, and those whose views I can never hope to understand, much less respect.

If ever there is a time where circumstance dictates my absence without a chance to say goodbye, I hope that you all will know just how much affection I feel for you simply for knowing me through knowing yourselves. It is an incredible gift to be connected to so many exceptional people, and I am grateful.

(reply to this comment

From jolifam77
Wednesday, February 28, 2007, 17:52

Average visitor agreement is 3 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 3 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 3 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 3 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 3 out of 5(Agree/Disagree?)
christ, the gushing. see how the family has forced us into this quasi-Family-anonymous therapy session site? WTF. yeah, let it all out, how much is 20 years of my life worth? answer that. it doesn't matter to those blind bloodsucking idiots.(reply to this comment
from Nancy
Tuesday, February 27, 2007 - 07:26

Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5(Agree/Disagree?)
Hats off. On my feet. Applause.
(reply to this comment)
from Albatross
Tuesday, February 27, 2007 - 06:53

Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5(Agree/Disagree?)
beautiful!!!!!!
(reply to this comment)
from Shaka
Tuesday, February 27, 2007 - 05:34

Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5(Agree/Disagree?)

You rock.
(reply to this comment)

from Falcon
Tuesday, February 27, 2007 - 03:58

Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5(Agree/Disagree?)
Big thumbs up to you, Madly!
(reply to this comment)

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