Getting Support : Speaking Out
Judgments, isssues, wallowing and blame
from cyborcosmic - Monday, March 01, 2004
accessed 1437 times
There are many setbacks to complete self-acceptance, I believe one of them is changing the way I feel about my past, and in this way changing the way I feel about myself in the present.
I realized lately how I judge my past as being bad. I labeled the Children of God as a bunch of religious freaks; I knew that how I was treated was bad, and that my experience in The Family was harmful and abusive. I blamed the Family for the pain and my parents for being part of the Family. As a result, I developed blame towards others and myself.
I feel bad about being in the Family, and what I experienced.
When something was wrong (which was hard to associate between what was wrong and what was right in the eyes of my shepherds and parents) I learned to take blame and punishment as if it was a normal thing, I later justified it as a part of growing up in a controlled environment, but on the other hand while experiencing it I always thought that I was bad, some kind of rotten apple and that unless I improved I wouldn’t be accepted at all.
I do object strongly to the fierceness they used in their speech, the cruelty behind their manipulations and “its for your own good” treatments. I think that when you punish a child this severely, while telling the child that they deserve it, the child grows up into a victim. I know this because a victim feels very undeserving of love; yet feel like they deserve it - when something goes wrong.
Feeling like you deserve the bad is just another way of saying I’m not good enough!
What I know now is that: when experiences grow into “issues” (like being a victim), it’s a result of holding on to an emotion. For example, my step-dad used to beat us, I saw him beat my younger brothers until they had bruises all over and they screamed in agony.
Now he no longer does this, he stopped with all his violent behavior 5 years ago. But I still would rather stay in objection that something happened it the past that I don’t like.
I would rather stay attached to feeling bad about this until I get retribution or justice.
The reason I use this as an example is that many people on this site (including myself) choose to wallow. Wallowing is another way of saying that you would rather stay in an argumentative state of mind. You would rather hold on to the “ issue” until it gets resolved the way you want it to be resolved. Instead, always have the frame of mind to let go – meaning that you take responsibility for what is going on inside of you and not being attached to wanting other people to change.
The issues have one purpose for me only; they help me unlock the emotions trapped inside. But even while I’m doing this I feel a resistance, it’s the urge to hold on and want to wallow. I know there is no point in doing that; I could brood over what happened in The Family for the rest of my life if I wanted too.
Instead I’d like to take every day to change something inside.
I’d like to expand my trust by realizing the “trust issues” are a result of being deceived as a child. I held on to my first impressions of people, but not everyone is as deceiving as The Family.
Most important, I would like to stop the blame and judgments. I know that there are reasons to stay angry, but I asked myself what it costs me. It costs too much. Forgiveness is something that I would like to include in my life. I am sincere about finding it. I would like to change my perspective completely. Instead of saying “I blame you for _______!” I would like to change the word to “ I forgive you for________!” for the things that I have done. Maybe forgiving yourself is the first step to forgiveness.
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Wednesday, March 03, 2004 - 14:17
I will think about forgiving when I've gotten a sincere apology from the individuals at fault as well as the leadership responsible for fostering and encouraging the abusive environment of TF. Forgiveness is for those who deserve it and to deserve it one must realize the wrong they've done and be sincerely apologetic as well as to make amends to those they've wronged. Since TF has shown no sign of being willing to do any of this, they can all go to hell as far as I'm concerned!!!
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Wednesday, March 03, 2004 - 01:18
I found this part of what you wrote extremely interesting. I'm not expressive in writing but if I were to express the emotional turmoil I went through during my first years after leaving, it be like you wrote.
"When something was wrong (which was hard to associate between what was wrong and what was right in the eyes of my shepherds and parents) I learned to take blame and punishment as if it was a normal thing, I later justified it as a part of growing up in a controlled environment, but on the other hand while experiencing it I always thought that I was bad, some kind of rotten apple and that unless I improved I wouldn’t be accepted at all."
"I do object strongly to the fierceness they used in their speech, the cruelty behind their manipulations and “its for your own good” treatments. I think that when you punish a child this severely, while telling the child that they deserve it, the child grows up into a victim. I know this because a victim feels very undeserving of love; yet feel like they deserve it - when something goes wrong. "
"Feeling like you deserve the bad is just another way of saying I’m not good enough!"
It's takin me awhile to get past the habit of trying to prove myself for acceptance, at times it does resurface. This is a fake type of confidence. It's not genuine cause it depends on others opinions to succeed. I was always a "good kid" until 14, after that I just got tired of it and went the opposite way, while having a guilty conscience. When I first left I believed my life sucked because God was punishing me. Only in the last year or so have I developed true confidence and pride in myself. I've recognized most of TF's indoctrination and straightened them out. The key was being open to helpful critisizm of my thought patterns by friends. Why should I defend my thought pattern that originated from TF? When I realised it wasn't me and it was just the brainwashing, I was able to correct that and function like a regular guy.
However, I have to agree with Spat on forgiving. And forgiving and forgetting sounds like TF's doctrine to me. I'm all for forgiving but never will I agree with letting the crime go unpunished. If this were the way it should be why don't we all commit crimes and hide behind religion(if you can't find a suitable one then make your own. Ex: Berg).
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| From cyborcosmic|
Wednesday, March 03, 2004, 04:51
Hi destiny . Thanks for your insight= "The key was being open to helpful critisizm of my thought patterns by friends. Why should I defend my thought pattern that originated from TF?"
why should you?
Its crazy how simple it really is. I'm tierd of being this or that all the time too. I just want to stop judging myself.
I remember hearing that "sorry means change" in the family from parents and leaders. I think that also is an excuse they used so they could "suddenly change their ways and be forgiven" whenever convinient. Because of this, I felt that saying sorry was not enough. What ever you say doesn't really matter. I think the sincerity of your desire matters. This is something that The Family never taught me.(reply to this comment)
Tuesday, March 02, 2004 - 19:43
Key for me is forgive but not forget, Issues should be addressed yeah it made me a stronger person but criminals should do their time, if you find forgiveness to be good enough for you great, I want retribution as well. A wrong is a wrong and forgiveness does not make it right. I hear what you are saying about getting on with your life, I agree with you there, I still think that the people responsible for the abuse of a whole generation should be brought to Justice
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