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Getting Real : Speak your peace

All In The Day Of A Vandari!

from EyesWideShut - Sunday, November 03, 2002
accessed 2006 times

I spoke to a young SGA that wants to leave the group but has no way out. She’s got a kid and is married to a young guy that tells her how inadequate she is all the time. She wants out of the marriage and out of the group but has no relatives to help her back home...

She lives in a home where they only actually buy food once in a while; otherwise it’s provisioned cabbage and heart for dinner. Yum! PTL? (I posted a comment on here once about an FGA woman who nearly cooked and served green slimy beef for her home members! That’s the same home.)

She told me about the videos of Zerby and Kelly that they've shown at recent meetings. She says they spoke most of the time about “Petey”—Ricky—and managed to twist everything that has happened with him since he left. A mother’s love! Ain’t it amazing? Zerby is using him to lead her cult around by the nose.

The other main theme was “persecution is coming”. That makes me laugh! And all we’ve done so far is talk about it! They get the members so on guard and so afraid that they refuse to see the other side of the story lest it “weaken them”. Whats sad is that the SGA I spoke with yesterday fears for her little baby’s safety. She’s afraid her child is going to be taken away any day and you bet that fear keeps her in denial about how she really feels! "Fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom" -my ass! FEAR OF THE LORD IS THE BEGINNING OF CHRONIC ULCERS.

She also said that she and her friends—even the ones that left the group recently—are scared to say anything bad about the group because God might strike them down right then and there. So the first thing I did was convince her that just wasn’t true. “I’m living proof” I smirked! After some coaxing she started to tell me her thoughts; the ones she’s never told anybody. “I can’t trust anyone not to report me these days”, she whispered, “tensions are so high and every letter that comes out talks about reporting on your friends, etc. I can’t even trust my best friend because I don’t know where she stands”. As we sat there in the café she was finally able to disclose things that she’s been dealing with all alone until now.

She commented on “Daniel’s” letter in The Professionals: “My friends and I all thought that he made valid points, and we were all rooting for him. We wanted to hear answers to these questions also. But sadly, he’s ruined it for all of us because he seemed so flippant and sarcastic much of the time and now we’ll be labeled a ‘Daniel’ if we ask about things like that. We wanted answers and changes but all his letter did was frustrate us and make things tighter on the youth”. Whatever happened to “Dare to be a Daniel, dare to stand alone”? I guess the lions tore Daniel up and that’s that.

From our brief conversation I could see how much healing her frail spirit was going to require. It’s still happening, people! Our younger brother’s and sisters, and our friends are still being beaten down and subtly—or not so subtly—manipulated. The longer this goes on the less they’ll have of their lives to really LIVE! She told me that she can’t remember the last time she wasn’t struggling to be good enough, to attain to the new wine, to rid her heart of sin, to prepare for the ET, etc, etc. You know the drill.

She was chock full of questions: What about the ET? Is it really coming? Will God hurt me if I chose a path that’s different from what the Family tells me to do? Do you believe in God? What does the “other side” say? Why do ex-members want to persecute the Family and take my kid away from me? What’s so bad about Why don’t they want us to see it? What is Movingon? Is it an anti-cult organization? Why did you leave? What has happened since?

First of all I made it clear that she is the victim. Nobody’s out to hurt her or her little child. I responded to whatever I could while conveying to her that most of these issues are meant for her to decide for herself on, but that she should listen to her gut on this one and then time would tell. I told her the first step in getting out of the group is realizing that you matter! Your feelings count and your happiness is important. You deserve a life that’s going to make you feel alive, or at the very least you won’t feel like just one cow in a herd that’s being led helplessly to the slaughter. You deserve to understand. You deserve to be respected! And if there is a God in Heaven, so help me, all this bullshit was NOT His idea!

The next step is in filling your head as full of doubts as you can! Haha! Reading everything the other side has to offer and finally letting your inner decision-making process flow! If you know beyond all doubt that you have to get out then you’ll feel motivated to take the risk of leaving. How can you know that you've made the right decision when you have never made a decision at all.

I explained that our movement toward justice is not the general persecution of the past and it’s not about religious beliefs, UNLESS those beliefs caused or allowed abuse in the past—or NOW--in which case the belief still can’t be criticized, but the effects of that belief will be avenged (too bad we can't head the nonsence of at the pass). Her reply was not surprising, “Abuse? Well, the group’s skewed ways may have manifested themselves in physical deviances in the past, but we’re just as abused NOW as ever! I may not be physically beaten or bloodied but I’m beaten down day in and day out. I’m emotionally and spiritually tortured as part of a lifestyle that I did not chose. And I want out but have no connections and can’t get the information I require. My peers and I are trapped and morale is more hopeless than ever.” One voice, yes. An isolated sentiment?--Not in a million years.

We spoke for about 3 hours and I believe she went away with a little more confidence in herself, a little bit more direction and information, and a little bit of hope.

Chalk one up for this hard-working Vandari!

Reader's comments on this article

Add a new comment on this article

from deja
Monday, April 18, 2005 - 01:42


The more things change, the more they ______ the ____.
(reply to this comment)

from lochnymph
Friday, February 13, 2004 - 13:44


I understand how this girl feels! She is voicing all the same things I did right before leaving! to a T! If you talk to her again, let her know that when she does make the choice to leave, there is a huge feeling of relief! You no longer have to try so hard every single day. The thing that basicly finalized my decision was when they so blatently told us "young people" to stop analysing things. Stop trying to figure it out for our self, just take everything by blind faith and go with it. Do you know how scarry that is?! You can have a whole lot of control over someone if they are doing that! To much control! it's not right that they don't want people looking into a topic and deciding for themself if they want to believe it.

ALSO, tell her to really think, is she willing to risk the welfare of her child for this group? You should fanaticly believe in something, to put the life of your child in it's hands.
(reply to this comment)

from Timotheous1
Friday, February 13, 2004 - 01:39

I was wondering if you have any respect for the Bible or are still a Christian?
To many people let situations and conditions compromise there faith, and end up removing all religon from there lives over a few misgivings.
Perhaps if your faith was in the right place you wouldn't be quoting a Bible verse in the same paragraph as you "ass".
Think about it.

(reply to this comment)
From ASScatology
Friday, February 13, 2004, 12:42


Genesis 22:3-10
3 And Abraham rose up early in the morning, and saddled his ASS, and took two of his young men with him, 5 And Abraham said unto his young men, Abide [...] with the ASS; and I and the lad will [...] come again to you.

Genesis 42:27
27 And as one of them opened his sack to give his ASS provender [...] he espied his money; for, behold, it was in his sack's mouth.

Genesis 44:13
Then they rent their clothes, and laded every man his ASS, and returned to the city

Genesis 49:14 Issachar is a strong ASS couching down between two burdens

Exodus 13 :13 And every firstling of an ASS thou shalt redeem with a lamb

Exodus 20:17 Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's house,[...] nor his manservant, [...] nor his ASS.

Exodus 22:4 If the theft be certainly found in his hand alive, whether it be [an] ASS, [...]he shall restore double.

Exodus 22:10 10 If a man deliver unto his neighbour an ASS,[...] to keep; and it [...] be hurt, [...] no man seeing it: 11 Then shall an oath of the LORD be between them both, that he hath not put his hand unto his neighbour's goods; and the owner of it shall accept thereof.

Exodus 23:4,5 4 If thou meet thine enemy's [...] ASS going astray, thou shalt surely bring it back to him again. 5 If thou see the ASS of him that hateth thee lying under his burden, and wouldest forbear to help him, thou shalt surely help with him.

Exodus 34:12 Six days thou shalt do thy work, and on the seventh day [...]thine ASS may rest.

Numbers 16:15 And Moses was very wroth, and said unto the LORD, [...] I have not taken one ASS from them, neither have I hurt one of them

Numbers 22:22 And God's anger was kindled because he went: [...]he was riding upon his ASS, and his two servants were with him.
Numbers 22:28 And the LORD opened the mouth of the ASS, and [...] said unto Balaam, What have I done unto thee, that thou hast smitten me these three times?

Numbers 22:22-35 32 And the angel of the LORD said unto him, Wherefore hast thou smitten thine ASS these three times? [...]thy way is perverse before me:

Deuteronomy 22: In like manner shalt thou do with his ASS; and so shalt thou do with his raiment; [...]thou mayest not hide thyself. 4 Thou shalt not see thy brother's ASS[...]and hide thyself [...]: thou shalt surely help him.

Deuteronomy 22:10 Thou shalt not plow [...]an ASS.

Deuteronomy 28:31 [...] thine ASS shall be violently taken away from before thy face, and shall not be restored to thee[...]shall be given unto thine enemies.

Joshua 15:18 And it came to pass, as she came unto him,[...]she lighted off her ASS; and Caleb said unto her, What [...]???

Judges 15:16 And Samson said, With [...]an ASS, heaps upon heaps, with [...] an ASS have I slain a thousand men.

1 Samuel 12:1 Behold, here I am: [...]whose ASS have I taken?

(reply to this comment

From roughneck
Friday, February 13, 2004, 19:06

ROFL! A fucking hilarious read in a modern context. Good job!
this one 1 Samuel 12:1 Behold, here I am: [...]whose ASS have I taken? reminds me of some hangovers I've had. :)(reply to this comment
From exister
Friday, February 13, 2004, 11:55


It seems like every week or so I have to break open a can of verbal whoopass on some religious stooge. It's getting tiresome so I will keep this brief.

Religion is the primary tool used by the Family to abuse and control thousands of members of my generation. As such it is a valid target for any verbal barrage we may chose to throw its way, including blasphemy.

So, you fucking tool of brutality, go back to your life of complicity in the abuses of the family. Your day of reckoning will come!(reply to this comment

From EyesWideShut
Friday, February 13, 2004, 12:00

Yeah, "tool" basically sums it up.(reply to this comment
From EyesWideShut
Friday, February 13, 2004, 11:46


No, I'm not a Christian anymore. I am using a Bible verse to illustrate a point about a group that claims to believe in the Bible. I have no problem using "ass" in the same sentence as I quote a verse because they are just words to me. I might quote Cosmopolitan magazine with the same respect: just someone's oppinion. Just because it's in writing doesn't make it any more important.

Might try getting your head out of your "ass", or at least pulling the silver spoon out.(reply to this comment

From Master Baiter
Friday, February 13, 2004, 10:46

So the question is: Do you or do you not Masturbate to Jesus? (reply to this comment
From roughneck
Friday, February 13, 2004, 02:07

Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5(Agree/Disagree?)
can't speak for anyone else, but

No - they aren't misgivings, and conditions/situations are irrelevant. I choose not to believe based on logic.
my faith.. let's not go there.

Nice to see someone who supposedly eschews discussion not based on logic start to spout about faith right off the bat. You're one of those people who talks about "bible science" as if it wasn't an oxymoron, aren't you? :)

(reply to this comment
from Pete
Monday, February 10, 2003 - 03:28

Average visitor agreement is 3 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 3 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 3 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 3 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 3 out of 5(Agree/Disagree?)
The scripture should read, "The awe of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom". What Family members suffer from is not the awe of the Lord, but fear of Family leadership.
(reply to this comment)
from sadstory
Wednesday, November 06, 2002 - 07:57

Just reading the article releases a cocktail of emotions, sadness, anger, frustration, all of them pretty negative. The one thing I can say though is that at least the girl in the above is asking questions, at least she's not just blindly accepting everything that's given to her. That's a step in the right direction. I have a brother who is still IN, and I was talking to him the other day. I found that he's not altogether happy where he is, he's not fulfilled, and generally feels he's not really LIVING. But the thing that made me really sad was that he wasn't looking for answers. I asked him what he thought about where the group is at now and about recent publications they've put out, and all he had to say was that he didn't want to think about it. He said he's trying to make the decision whether to stay or not, but that since he's already got doubts he doesn't want to feed them by hearing the 'other side'. Is that any way to make a decision?
(reply to this comment)
from Auty
Wednesday, November 06, 2002 - 00:37

It's funny, how we spent half our life witnessing to the lost sheep, perhaps we were the ones lost while in TF & now we are in turn able to "witness" to the ones still "in the fold" so to speak.

(reply to this comment)
from Hanna_Black
Tuesday, November 05, 2002 - 08:43

I can't believe that people still feel like that in the family. Last thing I heard was this old geezer FGA telling me how "the family doesn't even use the term backslider anymore...we support people who want to leave...we don't even link the vandari to the SGAs that have left the family" What a bunch of BS he told! I read in a GN laying around at a friend's home, that the family is trying to get people NOT to put their kids in schools, as to minimize ungodly influences. Are they just pushing for the younger generation to also be stuck in their system?
I think that under Zerby's leadership, everything has gotten even more dogmatized than under Berg, to be honest. (is dogmatized a word? I dunno)
If I become a member of a secular club, and after twenty years I want to leave, they make a big fuss over it. I would get letters thanking me for being such a faithful member, asking if I am sure I want to leave, and if my choice is made they would wish me luck and conitinue to try to stay in some sort of contact. When I left the Family I never got any letter from the CROs or whomever, saying "thank you for giving 20 years of yourself and your tithe for our cause, we wish you luck in your new life." No thanks, no "we care anyhow", no "we will stay in touch". If they did that, so many people would react differently after leaving. Instead, home members and sheperds mentally blackmail you into thinking you are out of it if you should just ponder the thought of leaving. Then if you leave anyways, they treat you like dirt.
So much for "love your neighbour"!
(reply to this comment)
from thepersoniamnow
Monday, November 04, 2002 - 15:08

Man, I feel like starting a fund to help this poor girl.
I would stick something in the hat to help her get out and started!
Poor thing...
(reply to this comment)
from dave
Monday, November 04, 2002 - 14:53

Nice work, Eyes. It's sad that people in the Family think us second gen ex-members want to destroy them and snatch their babies from their arms. That's total garbage. A lot of us have either relatives or friends still in the cult, or both. The last thing we do not want is to see or hear of any harm or malice done to them, or anyone for that matter. If TF would just break away from superstition for a moment and read some of the posts and comments on this site (like I know they do), with an open mind, they will discover us to be intelligent and fair-minded.

I just can't understand why TF leadership continues to beat down SGA's and young people in the cult, using fear and scare tactics. Don't they realize that young men and women in their early and mid twenties are given huge responsibilities in society at large? Out here in the real world, as a twenty-eight year old I have a lot on my shoulders, sometimes too much. I guess to FT leadership, we will always be considered just children who should't be allowed to think for themselves.

Vandari rules!

Dave VandaRat

(reply to this comment)
from Anthony
Monday, November 04, 2002 - 12:55

EyesWideShut, you should be proud of yourself, this is the sort of thing I love reading, good job. Is this friend willing to give you the latest pubs?

(reply to this comment)
From EyesWideShut
Monday, June 16, 2003, 20:14

Thanks, Anthony. Btw, good to see you the other day.(reply to this comment
From EyesWideShut
Monday, November 04, 2002, 20:30

Why's that Anthony? Are you "hungering and thirsting after righteousness"? Haha! Thanks for the compliment.(reply to this comment
From chica
Monday, November 04, 2002, 20:56

It's interesting to note that the bible verse that quote comes from is translated, in the version TF let us read in Spanish, as hungering and thirsting after justice. Hmm, what an idea!(reply to this comment
From EyesWideShut
Monday, November 04, 2002, 23:16

In deed!(reply to this comment
From thepersoniamnow
Monday, November 04, 2002, 14:58

You want pubs dude? I can get anything I want!(reply to this comment
From Tea
Wednesday, November 06, 2002, 03:14

Oh, cool. Have you got access to a "Heaven's Girl" book? I'd like to send it to a friend for xmas. :p(reply to this comment
From trixy
Monday, May 26, 2003, 14:33

Yeah does anyone have a Heaven's Girl book? My sister was named after her & I was giving her the basic sketch of what I could remember from it, she was shocked & wants to read it. So let me know I'll pay for a photocopy & postage!!(reply to this comment
from thepersoniamnow
Monday, November 04, 2002 - 12:37

I just wanna repeat for the nth time about the "Daniel letter" (aka: The Professionals).
Its not my letter!
A girl wrote it out on paper and asked me to type it out and send it around for members to sign and then after we have signatures, send it to Mama.
I typed it out and sent it out and therefore got the shit for it and it was named after me.
I have no problem being associated with it, as I certainly was, however since I don`t agree with the slant and approach of the letter I don`t want it being called mine.

(reply to this comment)
From lochnymph
Monday, February 16, 2004, 11:52

Good to know. That letter was a little embaresing, I was still in the Family, and felt horribly misrepresented! It's funny though that they chose that letter to pick apart and answer. I'm sure they get lots of others that are better written, and give a better argument. It's like Peter picked an easy target.(reply to this comment
From kreed
Thursday, November 07, 2002, 19:08

what "Daniel Letter"? ex-boyfriend......Mike......from thrown out of TF for writing a similar letter. If anybody still has it......i'd like to read a copy of it.:)(reply to this comment
From thepersoniamnow
Monday, November 11, 2002, 18:33

I read that letter from ur ex in Mexico.
It was really funny!(reply to this comment

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