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from rze Monday, July 21, 2008 - 23:38 (Agree/Disagree?) "I just thought it would be nice to remember that none of us really know what we are doing. We are just trying to find our own way in this world. I hope that, along the way, I don't lose my humanity." Really eloquently put. I hear what you're saying about being "reckless with friendships". If it's not being closed-off it's brushing others off far too quickly. Residual coping mechanism for all that constant uprooting? Regardless, it's comforting knowing that whatever context helped us form old habits is no longer an immediate factor in maintaining them (for me, anyway, which really just means I have no excuse). It's the shittiest way to learn anything (yes, just stating the obvious, here), especially when we realize the ones who are gone were the one making all the effort & doing all they felt they could to connect ... and we offered nothing or even impeded it somehow. Our unspoken good intentions are certainly never what ultimately "counts"; I don't care who's going around saying otherwise. It's pretty basic stuff: don't let ourselves get too wrapped up in our own shit, try to develop a little awareness of what's going on outside us, etc. Still, It was a fist in my face to discover that, despite any good intentions, I was enforcing a colder and more detached environment for someone, making things all the harder while they simply fought for something to hold on to. Of course, by the time a friend is gone and we're forced to realize a few things, there's no salvaging to be done. Any newfound outlooks, values, and lessons learned are still no compensation. That isn't to say they aren't worthwhile, though. I think they're worth a lot. It's even kind of relieving to read these sorts of organized thoughts, even if the situations weren't so similar (though were they, who knows). I hope you haven't fixated on beating yourself up too much. I suppose it's only natural when we lose someone close to us, but I hear not doing so is, uh, healthier. Besides, I imagine it'd be a bit counter-productive to where you took that rant (which was somewhere very reassuring). (reply to this comment)

from madly Sunday, July 20, 2008 - 18:24 (Agree/Disagree?) Maybe we are like this because everyone is still trying to figure things out and in their own way, fit in. Could it be that we are learning how to be real to ourselves, test others, our feelings, while coming to terms with what may be our true identity? It is not really that easy to grow up in a world that tells you how to be, and leave still knowing who you are.   I believe everyone is born a stranger to themselves and life is learning who that person is. Your childhood is supposed to be used to start learning about this person. For us, we were in so many ways prohibited from such self discovery. We found ourselves looking at a strange scary world, but maybe more scared of the stranger behind the eyes looking.   We always had to be so “nice” and well behaved even when people harmed and disrespected us. We had to love everyone and even pretend that we knew what that word meant. Now we only have to be true to ourselves. I think many of us are testing things out and trying to determine what is real for them. At least I know I am.   It would be nice if everyone was always nice, sweet and loving, but for me, this seems so unrealistic. I grew up in a world full of fake words and smiles that made me want to run and hang myself. I want to see and be a part of the real world, even if that means allowing cruel and hateful people.   Where is the truth in kindness when there is no meaning behind it? Tell me you hate me if that is how you feel. Don’t pretend to care when you don’t. There is nothing to gain in false pretenses. Brutal reality is beautiful to me compared to the dishonest pretense of a love.   I will take life as it is, painful and blunt. I want honesty and truth in whatever form it may come. If I feel like being nice then that is what I will be; but more importantly, I will be myself more and more as I find out who I really am.   (reply to this comment)

From madly Sunday, July 20, 2008, 18:38 (Agree/Disagree?) Just wanted to add: I got caught up in my thoughts, as I so often do. I didn't want to disrespect you and your feelings expressed for the loss of your friend. I am sorry for your loss, Marc. (reply to this comment)

from Ian Sunday, July 13, 2008 - 23:33 (Agree/Disagree?) Marc, Deep stuff. I've experienced numerous "happenings" over the last few years, many were events completely out of my control, some...the opposite. All of them changed me, some changed only the way I think of myself, most just changed the way I think of others. There is a book by Carl Jung called "Modern Man In Search Of A Soul", it deals with deep and profound experiences and how we as individuals might be effected by them, or how we might even become them, or maybe; how the experiences might become us. Read it, if you haven't already. I recommend it. Thanks for sharing your thoughts, glad i could read them. ......another fine post by ian (reply to this comment)

From yung/old Saturday, July 19, 2008, 02:14 (Agree/Disagree?) Great book -- if only it were a bit *more* modern, and spoke not only to men.(reply to this comment)

from rainy Saturday, July 12, 2008 - 16:03 (Agree/Disagree?) Thanks for this. It would be nice to see a little more love around here... :) (reply to this comment)

from Falcon Saturday, July 12, 2008 - 12:29 (Agree/Disagree?) A good rant. (reply to this comment)

from Mir Friday, July 11, 2008 - 11:27 (Agree/Disagree?) Sorry Marc, I didn't double check how you spelled your name! Slap wrist!! LOL (reply to this comment)

from Mir Friday, July 11, 2008 - 11:25 (Agree/Disagree?) Mark, I think age makes us a bit more tolerant and not so "prickly". I turned 35 this year. My thoughts and feelings (which are hard to describe or put into words but I'll give it a bash...) were: "This is me. This is who I am.  I feel content and happy".  I know that I am very, very lucky to be able to say that. I think perhaps a contributing factor to this is that I've always tried to keep an open mind and I have always questioned everthing, even my own sense of what may be "right". I think a life changing events such as birth or death or reaching a big milestone can change the way we think and behave. I believe that's a good thing. It makes us more interesting people to be around and makes us in some way happier... I have most definetly softened up with age. I've realised that I'm not that fragile underneath so that I to need to protect myself with a hard outer shell. I love being softer. It's so much more interesting and fun! Just my 2 pennies worth! :-) (reply to this comment)