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Getting Real : Speak your peace

Vandari now? or just a "black sheep?"

from Andres - Thursday, December 06, 2007
accessed 786 times

Never been good at writing, and this is just my story.. Don't even read it if not interested in stuff like that... Timothy Andres

Today and yesterday while I was on guard for two hours I relived some of my experiences in TF and revisited some old wounds with the people I was on guard with. Talk about TF has been unavoidable sometimes because certain things just come out (odd hadits, mentality etc.) I guess old habits die hard. Normally I just try to stay quiet and not talk much to avoid it, but it gets hard when you got nothing to do. Plus, TF's all I knew till about 4 years ago when i left.

I left over a girl, Not the grown up kinds. T'Was a little girl about 6 months old, cute, blond hair etc.

And so here's my story..

I was always naive growing up. First off I never got out much and the times i did go out I was usually canning on the street corner, or dressed up as a clown selling balloons (at least i was dressed up.) not really stuff that people say "oh that's so cool, and enables you to make friends.

Anyways, when I finally branch out on my own and go to another home I get stuck in a bad situation where I taught kids, cleaned, cooked, shepherded (which I was horrid at btw) and distributed tracts. Anyways, it was during this time that I met another family girl from another home, and got her PG.

It turned out to be quite an ordeal and quite complicated with the VS's getting involved etc.. So, I left to go to the US to get my life together and try to figure things out. Mostly because I didn't see myself being able to help out much if I stuck around. I had to lie to the VSs saying I wasn't the father to cover for the mother, so the only way I saw myself able to help was by going to the US and sorting stuff out there getting ready etc.

Well, I went to my parent's home.. And by the time I got there I had just about lost it. I was listening to Rock, and didn't pull punches. I couldn't sleep either, and wasn't a very good family member.

I went out canning a lot. Mostly to pay back my sister who'd loaned me money to get back, but everywhere I looked, every car I looked at had a pregnant woman in there, or a little kid.. Probably I was just imagining things but it really got to me, and I started seriously thinking how much I wanted to be there for the babies birth. (it became life or death).

So I bring it up to the home to start keeping a portion of my money to go back to europe to be there. And, they said I needed to get a plan first and bring it up at the next home council (next week). Well, I sketched a plan together then and there and said.. Here, a weeks too long for me, this is what I'll need. The home (all my family) told me what I had to have was clearance, a home ready to take me, and I needed to find out how much the ticket would cost.. (call them)..

Ok well, I worked hard to get all that, I think it took me about 2 weeks but I got it all and bring it up at the next meeting.

Well, when I bring it up again. They come up with another excuse to push back a decision some more. I got so frustrated I ask why we can't vote now.. And finally I get an honest answer. My Dad said that he and the home TW felt I wasn't ready to go back, that I had to much in the way of anger issues and they felt Europe hadn't been good for me. So until I turned in My 30day notice I wouldn't keep anything.. I should have known they'd think of something like that and all I could think of was how foolish I was to go back to family.

Anyways, I did just that. Turned in my 30day notice that night and left a week later. For lack of a better place to go I went to the Activated meetings where my wonderful sister was and she helped me take care of my issues. And was a good listener. Also she helped me have a good time.

After that we go visit my Grandparents place, the thought crossed my mind about leaving then, and getting a job up there so at least once the baby was born I'd have a place for her to come and it'd be just me, her, and the babe. But I got scared of the change and ended up not doing it. I really wanted to, but couldn't bring myself to at the time.

So I go to Missouri. Finally a place I felt I could relax, do some good hard work I'd never done b4 (working with a chainsaw) and do some fund-raising that was sucessful. The home up there wasn't geared for people to raise money for their own projects so after the baby's birth I go back to my parents place again so I can get money for the baby (Arwen) and her mother (Angie) can come to the US. Big mistake, cause they ended up being horrible to the Mother, horid with the baby and so they end up just going back before 2 months were even up with a bumps and bruises and i'm sure never coming back.

That was a pretty good wake up call cause that's when I woke up and reallized how stupid I'd been all the while just trying to make TF work for me. And to keep going back to my parents.. I'd been so retarted..

Well, once they (Arwen and Angie) left. I went to the Army recruiter and got a job with the Army and been working there since. Been to Iraq twice, but I get paid for what I do and although my daughter lives with her Mom in Romania, I get paid enough to send some money for her each month.

OK now it's only fair that if I talk about my life in TF I talk about the Army some. And the Army is far from perfect. Well, basic training, I did well, always loved PT, and was highly motivated. AIT for Medic, it was great to actually learn some usefull stuff. And when i scored well, which was almost every time I felt on top of the world. And I did do well in AIT.

When I went to my unit though that's when life started sucking bad. I got Pneumonia right b4 getting there so I was 145lb's at 6ft. My Team leader was also the stupidest, prick I've ever met. DUMB DUMB DUMB. Plus, I had problems with seeing my daughter before I deployed and also she was moving and having a hard time. So all that combined to make a very unhappy camper I couldn't even think straight at times..

Then we deploy to Iraq. Well, the first six months were cake. The worst I had to do was guard for the workers coming onto the FOB (Base) to work. I went on leave at the six month mark and saw my girl in Romania (TY Army for paying for that flight) and it was then that me and Angie (babies mom) made reparations and we at least became friends again.

The second 6 months though. Man was it hell, I was a medic at the TMC but every day we had severe trauma Patients Iraqi and American, some days nothing, then it seemed right when you'd lay down you'd get the call that 5-20 wounded were coming in. Most of the injuries were quite severe and seeing stuff like that wasn't easy. But I learned to block it out and concentrate on saving a life instead of thinking how horrible it all was. I bacame a walking robot without emotion, feeling with just my Function (work) and I was a shell the rest of the deployment.

We also got mortared just about every day quite a few landing withn 100 yards. But that became so routine all we'd do is grab our gear and go out hunting for the wounded..

I get back to the states though, and for just about the whole year I'm back I play this great game named WOW.. :) it helped me avoid focusing on life too much. People back home kept telling me "you're sucking cause you're not in the word etc." they just didn't know that GN's and God aren't the cure all for certain things.

Well, here I am again on my 2nd tour.. And thank God this time has been near heaven for me.. I thank Him for it every day and I pray he keeps it that way. Cause i've been through hell and never wanna do it again. I just want us all to go home this time.

My plans for the future are pretty bright. I wanna study more in the Medical field and if necisary go work in Romania so I can see my girl whenever I want (assuming I'm not married by that time or settled down too much in the US)

My daughter's still in TF right now. Granted that I don't like half the people in the Home. I get those ugly stares all the time. But I trust the mother and her love for our girl enough to ensure that she grows up good and that she isn't subjigated to abuse. Also i don't think I currently have many options but to trust her. Even then I make sure I check up on her every so often, the people around her etc. But so far so good..

The other thing is that while in TF once I hit 18 I had these really intense dreams that I could never understand. Demons'd come visit me in my dreams where I was frozen, couldn't wake up, couldn't talk etc. I'd see things, feel things just wierd stuff.. Sometimes (rarely) while I was awake.. "The word" in TF was the Answer, and read I did, pray, prophecy, i was desperate. Why could I "a child of God get getting hit so hard. I nearly got kicked out of a home once because i was being "plagued by demons." I stopped telling the shepherds my experiences and tried to get rid of them on my own after that.

Well, the odd thing was that once I left the Family they stopped for a while. And I came up with my own spiritual reasons for that. How my opening a channel to God, also opened a channel to the devil and hereby making me perceptable to his attacks..

Well, when I got back from Iraq they started up again along with the memories I'd gained over there. My Girlfriend demanded I see someone so I did. I didn't bring up the dreams though, cause I still thought they were part of my insanity.

Later on that year Last Christmas, I was browsing wikka books, looking at Newage shit.. Still no answers.. Finally I found a dream book and looked around and "BAM" There was my answer. I found out there's a common sleep disorder that mostly hits at times of great stress or tiredness called "REM sleep intrusion" and certain people (like me) just get it worse then others... I had all the symptoms and well I had the worst case of it possible.

Well, I really wish I'd known that part 8 years ago. So I didn't think I was a channel for the Devil all those years, or that I was going crazy and think of killing myself all the time. Funny how I never found any answers in the word but found them in a stupid $5 dream book..

I still have those dreams. But now that I know what they are, I catalog them in the Abnormal part of my brain. And can deal with them in a rational manner. And can start the path to a life as a normal person.

In my opinion the thing that gets me is why does this time require all these new "revelations," need for "Higher dedication" (slavery in my opinion). I see my family, still in the Family. And I really truely wonder what they see.. There are mayor everyday problems in home, that you never hear about. People aren't all the loving, kind personalities they so claim to be especially once money gets involved.

I read all those GN's when I was still in TF. "stay on the wall," the "Vandari GN," and how they say don't even listen to their lies. This is probably going to be labled as another lie when all I'm doing is telling a fairly watered down version of my story.

But honesly I don't care.. I know what's true and what's not, and although I don't have any vendetta against TF if someone asks me my opinion I'm going to tell the truth (as I see it) nothing added (especially not hearsay)

But one thing I've always thought is stupid was the Vandari trip... However I don't think this story's "wild" enough to quite get me into that crowd.. I'm going to go ahead and add myself to it..

All my beef with TF personally is religiously based I think they've drifted way too far away from what christ wants from christians.. LJR... dumn and retarted... Endtime Family (recruiting slogun) and the keys of the kingdom you just can't get more retarted then that...

God that last paragraph felt good.. :D ok in a good mood now...

I have no problem letting people who felt they were abused go for their justice.. This day was going to come, the day when that generation that grew up during the time of abuse was going to come back for justice. and if they think it's just religious persecution they're going off of old info in my opinion..

The family says they got rid of it in 86.. Well, don't people deserve to pay for stuff they did before it was banned.. Or was it "ok back then" or "the family hadn't learned from mistakes made yet" No excuse in my opinion.

Reader's comments on this article

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from Phoenixkidd
Thursday, January 31, 2008 - 07:29


Andres, well written and I feel your pain. You have to realize you were the victim, so what if you got a girl pregnant, you were simply following Zerby and Berg in all their letters they wrote about "Go for the Gold" "One Wife" etc...I was so deluded, I actually thought wearing a condom was a matter of no faith! You sound like someone who is inherintly good, and someone who has high morals and wants to do right.

Had it not been for my Aunt and Uncle and Grandmother, to house and support me for the first 5 months of leaving and help me get a vehichle I don't know where I would be right now. I remember being so lonely for the first 2 years after I left, and feeling such undying pain and regret over my sorry life--I was so naive I knew nothing.

I had all my stuff stolen in 2001, because I was so naive having grown up in the relatively safe society of Japan, I lived in a bad neighborhood for cheap and everything was stolen. that was the 3rd time I've had to start all over, I had many things burnt in a fire at a family home in 1994, and in 1999 when I left, I had literally nothing, having just left Indonesia, with no winter clothes or clothes even suitable for work. It was very hard but my physical family was tremendous help.

I think what you have to do is close this chapter of your life and move to the next level, you've left, you know what it's like to have a job and be in the military and act "professional". Set your sights on another accomplishment, school or something--and work out! if you don't it's a great mood stabilizer--I know my mind is too busy if I stop working out and I feel depressed.

If you ever need to shout out and vent send me an email.

(reply to this comment)

from Ratatouille
Monday, December 10, 2007 - 22:15

Your title was funnier when it talked about the little rats :-)
(reply to this comment)
from clark
Saturday, December 08, 2007 - 09:44


I think your dedication to your daughter is to be commended. Lord knows TF didn't teach it to you so it must of been in-born.

I can sympathize with your dreams issues. I regularly have nightmares about TF. Lately they have been more like dreams though, and I wake up exhausted and usually with a stiff neck. I am usually very frusterated and trying to feed massive amounts of children with like a pound of ground meat. I am crying cause I want to give all these kids something good and have nothing to give. Then I wake up and feed my 3 kids and hubby and smile and thank God for them and all my blessings.
(reply to this comment)

Friday, December 07, 2007 - 15:03

"REM sleep intrusion"

That would be sleep paralysis. When I first found out about it, it helped me understand many things - such as Berg's "nighttime demons". That stupid old fuck.

Incidentally, it happens more often when you're under stress or not getting proper sleep; and seeing that we wake up about 6-9 times in a normal night's sleep. Usually we just go back to sleep and are none the wiser, but if the brain fits the conditions I mentioned, i.e. under stress etc, your "mind" can stay awake while your body goes back to sleep, which means your motor neurons will be inhibited (REM phase), resulting in typical paralysis - except that you're awake to experience the effects.

If you can conquer your fear of it though, you can experience some very interesting things.
(reply to this comment)
From Andres
Monday, December 10, 2007, 12:26


hahaha tru... I finally realized what it just a dream last christmas, but before that I really wasn't sure and it freaked me out. And yeah I think that had a lot to do with Berg's dreams and visions.. And sometimes I think the more recent visions they've had..

Nowadays, if I have them I can normally just fall back asleep and yeah over the course of the night they can get very, very interesting.. "don't wanna go in depth about it here.."

(reply to this comment

From cheeks
Saturday, December 22, 2007, 14:39

You mean you don't think you may have been abducted by aliens? Most other people think that is what happened to them.(reply to this comment
From Andres
Sunday, December 23, 2007, 02:56

Not at all cheeks, no aliens..
so sorry to disappoint you but "no aliens" that i can remember
(reply to this comment
from Nick
Friday, December 07, 2007 - 14:34

Did you live in Houston Texas for a while?
(reply to this comment)
From Andres
Monday, December 10, 2007, 12:51


Nick, I lived in Houston for about Ten years. And, yeah you knew my parents 2..

I don't know if you remember but I ran into you at the Dunvale Wal-mart about 3 years ago when I was covering for my brother for an hour while he went to take care of business. What a co-incidence..

I had no idea you were even on this website.. :) Small world, made even smaller by the WWW.. (reply to this comment

From Nick
Wednesday, December 12, 2007, 08:15

Yes, I know who you are and I remember running into you on Dunvale. You came to my open house party that day. Man, I miss that appt, it was awesome!
Well glad to hear your safe over there. I wondered what happened to you after that. How is Tim and Maya these days?(reply to this comment
From Andres
Saturday, December 15, 2007, 11:26


Tim and Maya are doing well up in Missouri... That was a nice apt you had I'm sorry you had to move..

How's Feli doing. We lived with her Family back in Sicily.. (reply to this comment

From Nick
Friday, December 21, 2007, 10:01

I did not know that they were in Missouri. I hear it's nice up there.

Well I bought a house so thats why I got rid of the appt. :)

Feli is good. She moved to NJ to be closer too her family. (reply to this comment

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