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Getting Real : Speak your peace

gotta let it out!

from Mira - Wednesday, August 16, 2006
accessed 1159 times

anyone else feel the same??

has anyone ever thought about this?
even though i personally never was abused, and nothng seriosly bad happened to me, time and time again i cant help but think about the fact that because of all the choices that my parents made,my life is just fucked!

and it just wont stop bugging me!
ofcourse i do know that i cant really give them the blame for everything, but sometimes.... god!!! espeacially when things are difficult and nothing , absolutly nothing seems to be working out the way it should, and i just cant seem to find my place, get ahold of things, and just dont know what the fuck im supposed to do and where the hell im supposed to be!

actually wishing i could have had a normal pair of parents, who still care about me and still are intrested in who i am and what i do, even though i discided not to live the life that they felt was my calling.

but, no,they left me alone when i was 15, went to go and reach out to all of those poor black kids in afrika who are so in need of jesus! God, i could vomit!!!

some one please explain to me the logic of all of this,cuz i just dont get it!
How the hell, can you bring eight kids into this world and then, leave more then half of them alone even before they turn 15, Watch One Of Them Shoot Themselves (the oldest) in the head, and then say,'' the day he left TF was the day i stoped caring''! And then, this i just dont get!!
go and preach jesus to all of thoses kids in afrika

oh man!! i dont know but some how i feel better now!!

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from Mira
Friday, August 18, 2006 - 06:32

hi everyone, thanks for writing,

I think in my letter, it came across as if i was 15, actually that was afew years ago, and ive definatly got too say
Yes, ofcourse we all get over it , and yes, the whole phase of our lifes definitaly leaves us a hell of alot stronger in the end. And even though its tough,and i wouldent want to go through it again,and i definatly dont regret the decisions i made!

But, what ive been starting to relise, in the last year, is just how deeply ingrained in us, our former life style actually is! We do get over it sooner or later,im sure!

But im talking about issues, for instance the Nomad or gypsy
like way of living and adapting, and with that i mean, always on the move.never being in one place for longer then afew years!
Not caring about material belonging, and always feeling the urge to move on!

I for my part would love to settle down, but the livestyle i ,or we, grew up in, is so deeply ingrained in my subconsiousness, that i cant help the feeling off boredom that overcomes me,and the longing for some new excitment i get, after afew years of being in one place!

And well, im a scorpio, and when i want something , i get it , no matter what the cost, and with that im trying to say, if i wanna go, i go!!!

And again and again, i just fuck up my entire existense, because as we all know, in the real world it just dosent work like that, ive given up countless jobs, given away heeps of expensive furnitue, and belongings, my car, my friends, my apartment,everything!
And why??
Because i just cant seem to settle down and find a place that id like to call my home, atleast not for longet then afew years.

Ok, maybe, im wrong maybe its just me! my personality! could be, But its not like i actually really want to move, i wanna settle down!!!!!!!!!!!

But, i cant, i end up feeling empty and bored and fustrated and depressed, and reasonless, and all i want is too be happy and content!! So i go again and again and again, in the hope that somewhere out ther it will be different.

hmmmmm... you know, this is actually feels really goooooood, just speaking your mind!!
(reply to this comment)
From Big Sister
Friday, August 18, 2006, 17:21

Here's the's not out there that you find happiness and contentment. It's IN there. I don't mean to be sappy. It's true, you must admit, that a new place is not going to make you happy all by itself. It might provide a pretty good distraction though.

Could avoiding boredom and craving some new excitement be your drug of choice....maybe? OK, you said longing, not craving. But still, if you would love to settle down but you can't get yourself to do what you would love to do and you "again and again f* up your entire existence" then maybe it's like an addiction to excitement.
(reply to this comment
From vixen
Friday, August 18, 2006, 08:21


'And again and again, i just fuck up my entire existense, because as we all know, in the real world it just dosent work like that, ive given up countless jobs, given away heeps of expensive furnitue, and belongings, my car, my friends, my apartment,everything!
And why??
Because i just cant seem to settle down and find a place that id like to call my home, atleast not for longet then afew years.

Ok, maybe, im wrong maybe its just me! my personality! could be, But its not like i actually really want to move, i wanna settle down!!!!!!!!!!!'

Hmmm. I often feel the same way as you seem to express here, where what I want to need and what I actually need seem to be two different things entirely. Maybe you just *think* you want to settle down because it's what most people do or the generally accepted way of working toward long-term security or success. Generally the things we do *are* the things we really want to do, otherwise we wouldn't keep doing them. I don't think you should look at it as a failing. I would say that it seems like you'd be better off just accepting that this wanderlust (I adore that word!) is an integral part of you, and instead of looking at your regular self-reinventions as a fuck-up of your existence, why not just continue to go with the flow and allow yourself the freedom to revel in your ability to leave things behind when they become redundant? Many people wish they could up and leave from time to time, yet they continue to live their boring, settled, safe lives simply because it's what is expected of them, or maybe because they don't have the courage to take risks. I think that what you possess is a precious thing, and I'd get as much mileage out of it as I can if I were you, before 'real life' and the 'real world' *do* catch up with you and you find yourself languishing in the shadows of a life that is no longer your own to do with as you please.

(reply to this comment

From Christy
Friday, August 18, 2006, 09:26


I agree with Vixen's comment on your lifestyle needs. I think that if change is important for you, you should find a way to make it work for you. While your upbringing has something to do with your need for change, it could also just be part of your personality. There are jobs out there such as travel nurses, Teach for America, the Peace Corp, Armericorp, the military, etc., that offer lot's of oportunity for travel and change. Of course many of those jobs require training or certification.

I have a friend who quit her comfortable nine-to-five to become a bartender. She realized, after it had been brought to her attention that she had called in sick 35 time in one year (to go snowboarding), that she really needed to reasses her priorities. Instead of giving up her passion for snowboarding, she found a job that offered a flexible schedule.

I thought that I had a need for constant travel and change, but I found out that I really enjoy the stability of a steady job and income. If after you've been out for a few years, you still have a need for regular change in scenery, you should probably find a way to make it work to your advantage.(reply to this comment

From Lois
Friday, August 18, 2006, 08:16

Mira, I don't think it is just you, your personality Always being on the move and finding it difficult to stay in one place for more than a few years is talked about quite a bit in the 'Third Culture Kid' literature.(reply to this comment
from Wolf
Thursday, August 17, 2006 - 20:45

Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5(Agree/Disagree?)
At times Iíve been depressed about all the years I lost myself Ö but I know other people have overcome difficult backgrounds and the lack of decent parental care, so Iím sure we can too.
(reply to this comment)
from Randi
Thursday, August 17, 2006 - 02:04


It's not easy that's for sure. Children generally learn about themselves, socialization, and life by watching, hearing and then immitating what their parents do while they're growing up. In our case, we have to learn a completely new way of life as young adults...just this in itself is rather daunting. You can't help but feel a bit lost and lonely dealing with everything in the big world and without much support from family.

A lot of parents don't seem to realize that their job is never done. Course the relationship between a child and parent should change from childhood to adulthood, but they are still supposed to be around for support, or at least be that soft cushion you can fall on when things are rough. Unfortunately most of us don't have that. Cultish mind sets have destroyed a lot of our parents parental and family natural or God given instincts. You can't reason with them. The worst thing is that it seems that they have no emotion for their children. Its as though through time, they've almost conditioned themselves not to care, otherwise they would have to turn their lives around, change their priorities etc...most of them don't have what it takes to bravely do that in their old age.

About the children in Africa...It's great that they are helping the needy African children. I tip my hat to anyone who lends a hand in that direction. However, a parents first responsibility lies with their own children. It's crazy to be meddling with other families when your own is on fire and crumbling...almost hypocritical I think. But that's just my opinion.

It seems to me that it's a lot easier to feed starving children than it is to go through the laborious and challenging job of responsibly fixing and healing one's own family. Perhaps what appears to be a sacrificial way of life is merely an escape route from having to "clean-up" the mess they've left as parents.

Keep your chin up. Your stronger than you know. I say this because I too was without my parents, but at a much younger age than 15. In my case however, I did go through a lot of nasty stuff ( Well you shouldn't minimise your strugles, losing your parents and your older brother is a lot to deal with along side everything else you face on a daily basis.) For the most part ( ages 11 to 24) I had no direct contact with my parents..address, number etc. I felt very much alone growing up. I missed my mom and dad esp when things were rough, victor camps, beatings, silence restrictions, dealing with demeaning exposes' in front of a hundred peers for the purpose of breaking what was left of my orphaned spirit, when pedophiles molested me I was the accused and punished ... etc etc ... I've been there, I have the t-shirt... The good side is is that I have plenty of compassion and care for others, and I believe, even though I don't always feel like it, that I'm a stronger individual for it. Not everyone could go through those things and still land on their feet.

About feeling different...I know what you mean. But a lot of our differences can be used as assets. We have experienced and seen so much...there is plenty of things in our lives that places us in "the teachers" possition. We have a lot to learn, and yes we are behind on some basic things, but on the other hand, we are ahead in many other ways. Due to our travels, we have expanded perspectives, and know how to adapt, a survival skill that the "easy life" doesn't often give you. TCKs, (third culture kid's) have a lot to share. Don't allow yourself to feel "below" others. You will make it with or without your parents. We have to chose to!!
(reply to this comment)

from mia1
Wednesday, August 16, 2006 - 20:14

wellcome to the club, and don't worry you aren't the only one...
(reply to this comment)
from GetReal
Wednesday, August 16, 2006 - 19:41

One thing thats hard 4 me to understand is how our parents could spend endless hours making sure that that we read the word , didn't eat "poison" white sugar and generaly controled every part of our life but the moment you leave TF its "we don't have time to help you were serving God". My conclusion is that they never cared at all.
(reply to this comment)
From afflick
Sunday, August 20, 2006, 17:00

Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5(Agree/Disagree?)

While some parents keep their children away from sugary food out of love and concern, for the most part parents in TFI did it because it was a Family doctrine. They were just obeying. Caring can be confused with obeying the cult leader when the obedience is actually of physical benefit to the child. There are enough examples of obedience in areas that were detrimental to the child to conclude that parents who "dumped" their ex-member children did not sufficiently care for them in the first place.

This includes the accumulation of offspring. In developed secular nations, one would assume that large families were the result of the parents' deep affiliation for children. In my personal situation, my mother and father did not particularly care for children, yet ended up with six kids. Single births. Six of them, one after the other. The reason they rejected birth control and continued to procreate is because they were following the teachings of David Berg to "be fruitful and multiply" and not because of their personal preference for large families.(reply to this comment

Wednesday, August 16, 2006 - 14:06


I am glad you feel better after writing this Mira.

You write that 'nothing seriously bad happend to me' and I hear what you are saying, I am glad that you then point out that losing your parents at the age of 15 affects your life. I think it is important that we and others don't minimise the sense of being effectively an orphan at such a young age and all the pain, disadvantage, difficulty and loss that that encorporates.

(reply to this comment)

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