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Getting Real : Speak your peace

What are you using this site for?

from sarafina - Thursday, July 24, 2003
accessed 1502 times

In reference to "My daughter needs her father" and all the slandering and bad mouthing of peers on here.

I'm sorry but this whole thing is really sad. I know John, and I have had contact with Lauren also at one point.

You are both good people from what I know about you. You are both non judgmental and open to what people have to say and you both want to help others. I understand that you have now been put in a defensive position. I find it very wrong that people are using this site as a personal thing. To bash or slander or talk down to people they dislike or are having current personal problems with.

This site is not an open OHR for current spousal problems or current issues you are having w/ friends or family. It was (at least I thought it was) made to help people discuss things that have happened you or them while in TF and to get over it and deal and most importantly to help others who are going through the same things. Not to "gang up" on our peers or those who have left and not to take side just cause we know a person. Most of us went through the same shit and are no better then the other.

It's sad cause I hear more about the differences between ourselves and our own peers, and what we hate about each other and disagree on NOW, then what we went through TOGETHER before and how we can help each other NOW. If only we could unite and discuss things as adults and not spend so much time on what went wrong, but more on what we can do to fix things and not let it happen to others. If only we could spend all our energy on more positive things. I come on this site cause I really do care about what has happened, I have had a lot of anger toward the Family and the things that have happened to me and my siblings, but we can't change the past! We can only change the future.

I know John wants to help and that's why he has offered jobs to those in Brazil who have left or are trying to. Lauren, you I know are the same as you have written me before. As far as your personal differences, you should take care of that on a different level privately. This is not a personal site to use to solve parental disputes. Everyone needs to remember this is a site to contribute to ENDING abuse. ASK YOURSELF if what you are posting is posted out of defiance, or anger and hatred because of what's happening in your personal life NOW. We should be posting for answers and finality of our past or to help those who may have gone through the same things.

I have opened my home to both X-members and even current members who need help and are thinking of leaving, but don't have a place to land. I don't have a lot of money or a big place, but if there is anything I can do to help I have offered, even if it isn't much. I have tried to put aside my own personal dislike for the Family and have just tried to help anyone I can who needs help in whatever small capacity I am able to. The best way we can show them who we are is by our own examples. Not by who can talk the most crap about another person, or who has the most education, or who knows best.

I too have been abused, I have been mistreated and wronged but I don't take it out on everyone cause its a waste of energy. Instead I try to change that for another person so they don't have to go through what I did. I haven't always been the best person, but part of my dealing and moving on has been to fix that to make up for that. One of the best ways to right wrongs you have done is to change your own life and do right to others. It's never to late. You don't need to be in the Family or a Christian either. You just have to make things right with yourself and those in your life now or around you.

If you can't help physically then maybe you can mentally, but what we don't need more of is all this hatred and bad mouthing.

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from frmrjoyish
Friday, July 25, 2003 - 12:10

Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5(Agree/Disagree?)

While I think it's great that people use this site to vent frustrations if they need to, all she's trying to say is that maybe things could get a little more positive around here. I happen to agree with her! A few more positive vibes wouldn't hurt anyone, would they?
(reply to this comment)

From Nick
Friday, July 25, 2003, 12:15

Exactly! You are so right there. However off course some idiots have to come out and mess that all up.(reply to this comment
from Nick
Friday, July 25, 2003 - 11:01

I agree Sara,

It does seem to me that some people have used this site as a personal sounding board to post personal attacks on others. It's sad that these immature people would resort to this as all it does it create confusion, hostility and hurt. I am not saying I have not done my share of fighting, however when someone starts something like this I am not one to sit back and not defend when I know to be true.

(reply to this comment)
from Auty
Thursday, July 24, 2003 - 20:18

Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5(Agree/Disagree?)

Not trying to start a flame war here, sarah, but I think this article might hold a little more water if you were a single mom that was abandoned by the father of your child. I agree with you to some extent, but on the other hand, a mom is fighting for her daughter & sometimes a little peer pressure & extremes help to wake folks up. Perhaps in her desperation she used the only thing she knew might get the father's attention & cause a little pressure & humiliation to get a flame under his ass to change his ways. I do not know the circumstances around this situation and I do not care to know. I'm simply stating, as a mother, if my daughter's father wasn't involved, I'd do everything in my power to get his attention.

I think that in TF there was a lot of promiscuous sex without the responsibility of taking care of a child if one resulted. Somehow (and I'm NOT speaking of this situation in particular) this irresponsibility has carried over into the "real world" where a single mother doesn't have a network of childcare workers, cooks, house keepers & bread winners. She is simply all of the above and with a child to care for & quite frankly, this situation can be overwhelming.

Again, you do have a point to some extent, but on the other hand I believe this site is to vent & speak out towards those who failed to care for us in our past & towards those who are failing to care for our children in our present.


(reply to this comment)

From sarafina
Thursday, July 24, 2003, 22:22

Average visitor agreement is 2.5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 2.5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 2.5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 2.5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 2.5 out of 5(Agree/Disagree?)

Yes, Auty I agree. I am not a single mother which is why I have stayed out of the augment as far as that goes.

I have no personal experience in that area and therefore anything I post on that matter would just be my own opinion. I agree with what you say about fathers needing to own up to responsibility also. What I don't see is how what is being said right now is helping anyone. People who don't even know these people and people who don't know the situation in full are just jumping in and taking sides based on what they are hearing and what others are saying. This has happened on many occasions not just in this example. There's just a lot of name calling and arguing, all its doing is arousing private wars on who knows what best, none of it is really helping the situation at hand. I don't see how any of this has helped the mother, child or father in anyway except make things worse on both ends as they are both trying to defend themselves, and having to bring up all kinds of stuff that I'm sure neither of them wanted to do publicly but were somewhat forced into by trying to explain the situation. Maybe I'm wrong and I hope in someway some good comes out of it, but I don't see how.

I was only stating that there has been far more negativeness, arguing and bashing on here then positive and helpful things being said. I just think there should be a balance in everything. Cause sometimes things like this can do more damage to a situation then good. I just think people should think about what they are saying and the effect it will have on the other person before saying it just based on impulse. Again you do make a good point also, I don't want to preach on something I know nothing about either. I am sorry if that's the way it came across as I was commenting on general behavior on here and not on the subject mater in specific. (reply to this comment

From Auty
Friday, July 25, 2003, 01:11

Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5(Agree/Disagree?)

I wasn't necessarily making a specific reference to the argument between PJ & Lauren. More so to the women that initially wrote the article. I just find it disheartening that women my age who have had children by multiple men in TF &, consequently, have been put in a situation where the father's of these children are no where to be found, while the mom's are struggling to make ends meet. In TF, we were propagated to breed as soon as we could (or as soon as was legal) to keep the "army of the lord" growing. So everyone slept with everyone without protection (as it was rarely used, much less "legal") & being happy with the consequences of their actions. This is what has kept many of my girlfriends from packing up and leaving TF, it's hard to leave as a single adult, much less with a couple kids. Being a single mom in TF was a much simpler concept, then being one out of TF. In some ways I feel that the former SGA men have not owned up to their responsibility of being fathers & pass it off as "something she wanted" or whatever their excuse is. Kind of like the whole Jamie & Debbie tread a year or so ago.

It's hard being a mom, I'm glad I'm not a single one, I would probably go banana's. Again, I'm not attempting to start anything, just stating my feelings on some of the irresponsible actions that were conditioned in some of the men that were born and raised in such a male chauvinistic environment.

(reply to this comment

From Mir
Friday, July 25, 2003, 06:41

Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5(Agree/Disagree?)
Gosh, that is one of the main reasons why I left. I remember I was 18, stuck in a home in Hampstead England, looking out the window at the passing cars and I thought to myself: "If I don't get out of here now, I'm just going to become another baby factory".(reply to this comment
From Jules
Thursday, July 24, 2003, 21:58

Average visitor agreement is 4.5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 4.5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 4.5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 4.5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 4.5 out of 5(Agree/Disagree?)

It is not my call anymore at all, but I do agree with Auty. I know it's very messy right now, and I can't believe some of the things that have been said, but I got a similar reaction from some people when we started naming abusers in the Family. To use Miriam's word, it's all horrid, and the legacy of the Family is what it is.

Ado (Daniel's dad), was one of the only adult men I ever met in the Family who, from what I saw, was not a creep sexually. There was never a hint of impropiety with him that I saw and he was very kind to me in a difficult time and I appreciated it immensely and honestly loved him for that. It does not mean that I discount another person's experience with him though, just because mine was different, and that to me was one of the reasons for this site. To talk about our lives as children of the Family from our own experience. To come to a place where we are believed and accepted, and people understand.

Perhaps some of us have different views of morality or how to live our lives than others. Perhaps some people are angry and do feel the need to constantly attack everyone. Perhaps some people react violently to anything that challenges their viewpoint now. It's okay. Real life is often ugly and messy. We don't sit around singing "We all feel the same inside" anymore. But we do say "you can disagree with me and I will still respect you in the morning". We are individuals, and it's okay to disagree.

I used to get very stressed out whenever things like this happened on this site. I thought that it was a sign we were turning into the NDN. I don't think that's true and I think time has shown what we are and what this web site is. We were born into this strange citizenship and simple differences of opinions cannot change that. Personally I respect Nancy and Lauren and Joe and Nick and PJ. Parenthood and responsiblity now is an issue we face. It's not pretty and it's not fun, but it's real. Where do we draw the line? What makes someone accountable and lets others off the hook? We were never taught this stuff. It's not easy to hash it out and the fact that this is a public place really does get messy. But should we just put on our smiles and say "god bless you", or should we work it though?

The people at odds right now are people I know to be mature and caring individuals. Anger subsides and I know things will work out. (reply to this comment

from Josh
Thursday, July 24, 2003 - 20:07


Great attitude!

I wish I could say the same of myself.
(reply to this comment)

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