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Getting Real : Speak your peace

Life Goes On

from pharmaboy - Monday, March 10, 2003
accessed 1627 times

  Written out of pure boredom. Just remember, godís greatest victories come out of seeming defeats, & if you want something done, ask a tweaker to do it.
 

It all started from a desire to help my neighbor, not from the hedonistic desire to avoid sleep/ stick things up my nose for free, as you all might suspect, honest.
 
It was Thursday night and I was feeling low as usual after work when I got a call from a friend (strange that a friend is calling, probably needs help). It was Carl, my friend/grocer, heís decided to leave the underworld and wants to start a new life in the country with his pregnant girlfriend and her two kids. He was moving in to her parentsí house, I didnít think this would be such a good idea, but Iím not his therapist, so I kept my thoughts to myself. Anyways he needed help moving & I agreed to help him. Got to his place and started packing loads of junk in his workshop into the few boxes he had lying around. Ex-fams are experts at house-moves, but Carl didnít really have all that much practical know-how (ďohh, so I can see now weíll need lots of boxes to put things inĒ, duh). He also decides if me and the other enlisted privates are going to help him move weíll need to be well supplied in motivation and energy enhancers, so enter now dear Crystal, loads of it.
 
All was running smoothly, all wired and getting things done, till Carl remembers (what a memory, gotta hand it to him) that he has about a Grand stashed away in his thatched roof. He just doesnít recall where. Stop the moving, everyone, about six of us go to work on the roof looking for his buried treasure. We searched all that night and all next morning for it, then we started pulling apart the roof. It was a mission and none of us could pull ourselves away from the search, we searched everywhere then started again. I started to suspect foul play, or perhaps a sadistic game Carl had thought up called ďfuck with tweakersĒ? Or was it just me being over-suspicious, as usual? It greatly delayed the move. I got feed up with the lack of boxes and on Saturday took Gertís bakkie to get some boxes at the nearest mall. Attracting attention was not my intention, but I couldnít have been less of a show when I parked the bakkie right in front of one of the mallís entrances, blocking the entrance to shoppers, then stormed in and demanded empty boxes from the friendly manager. The whole time plagued by paranoid thoughts that someone might think I was taking full boxes and cops might come any moment, silly me!
 
The whole move took about 8 trips with the pick-up. On Sunday evening we all felt satisfied at having completed the task, pity that his girlfriend, due to chemical and hormonal imbalances, freaked out on Monday and kicked him out, so his whole workshop had to go back, all that work for nothing..
 
On Monday morning, I was on my way to work on my Honda, tweaked of my face and awake since Thursday, when at an intersection this colorblind *insert derogative racist noun here* decides heíll go with red and knocks me off my bike. I still hadnít realized the damage to my knee, so Iím up and at this guy, I think I insulted every member of his family from his unknown father to his illegitimate offspring. The cops were *insert derogative racist noun here* as well, and although it was his fault, since I had no witnesses to prove it, he got off the hook. I was lucky that the dumb fucks didnít realize I had a foreign car license so at least I avoided a fine. The doctors were very helpful at the modern hospital I was taken to (thank god for medical aid). Since Iíve had plenty of leg injuries before from kick-boxing, I told the doctor not to even think of giving me voltaren or Tramadol for pain, I know they donít work. I start suggesting dosages and names of opiate pain-killers that will do the job. The nice, understanding doc gives me a shot of voltaren then proceeds to vigorously clean my swollen knee & staple shut some large cuts. Bastard!! Oh, she also wrote Ďattention opiatesí on my file. For once I wasnít even scripting, I truly was in pain! Iíve been able to get Oxycodone easily scripting docs in other countries. I openly told them how I despised private hospitals and that everyone should be entitled to good health, and I lectured the docs and nurses on the use of opiates for pain as well as a lot of other things. I mustíve sounded sounded  like a lunatic in shock, but more likely it was sleep depravation. My boss came over from work and brought me some menís and people magazines with titles like: I killed my baby and felt nothing, A man who makes his living by reading buttocks, how to become a rockstar, How I became addicted to kidsí drug(My Ritalin nightmare), etc. Now I am more convinced than ever of the extreme decadence of our great enlightened western society. The next day out of spite, I had my last line on my hospital bed(no one saw me, but it was a personal kind of spite), signed out of the hospital and was prescribed Tylenol for the pain, I took that as an insult. Maybe if I wouldnít have told the docs how to do their job I might have been more lucky in the pain-killer department, but, no dumb patients must blindly put themselves into their doctors hands because, fuck, weíve had study 7 years to get that title so we must be gods. To hell with the lot or them!
 
 So now Iíve been in bed over a week, tore something in my knee, fortunately didnít break any bones. Iíll have to do some serious budgeting to get my bike repaired. Funny the first thought that came to my mind after the crash was that at least I wonít have to go to work. Iíve been at this office job only a year, but I already canít stand sitting at a desk 8+ hours a day. I really donít know why I wrote this, itís not intended to be a sob story, just another glimpse into my life, with itís ups and downs, sporadic bliss and despair. At least it doesnít start with: I woke up to Uncle Johnís guitar reveille at 7am, and jumped off my triple bunkbedÖ..                     


                              Part II
  
  ::dISCLAiMER::
This piece of writing is entirely the imagination of a nerdy 14 yr-old in Malaysia, none of it is based on real events or persons. In other words, donít e-mail me crap cut & pasted from the DARE website or ĎIím praying for youí sob routines as this has nothing to do with a real person.
After that nasty incident on my bike, I donít hate coons, except when theyíre driving. Now I take more time to yell obscenities at a confused kaffir on road than before. It doesnít get then angry, it just confuses them more, which is entertaining to watch. Unfortunately I donít find myself driving more carefully, actually since the accident was entirely out of my control Iím more convinced now that driving carefully will only make for a slow painful death in the case of an accident.
I was lucky enough that the MD of the company I worked for saw the accident, and because of my excellent work and initiative he got the company to pay for my bike repairs (thank you Crystal). Heís a staunch, straight man and was impressed when I didnít drink at a corporate gathering. The biggest entertainment is watching the drunken antics of the top management or listening to a trashed foreman giving a piece of his mind to an MD, only to wake up the next morning wondering if he still has a job. Itís good to feel like your part of something, the whole company united in one common goal: increase the annual GP margin so the MDs get a fatter year-end paycheck. This common goal we all had gave me enough motivation to make a difference, to give 110%, but most of all, it made me want to party harder on the weekend, just get rid of that corporate smell that remained after work. It was on one of these weekends that at a club I  met Gerard, we started chatting after I introduced myself to him twice in the space of an hour. Turns out he lives in an upmarket house with three other guys, one is leaving & they needed a new tenant to split the rent. Just what I was looking for, what an answer to prayer. See, if wouldnít have been so wasted on e that I got the attention of this guy, I would have missed a golden opportunity, so you see that all things work together for those who etcÖ..
They turned out to all be decent, fun-loving people and I moved in. I found out we also had common friends. Oh, cool, not all systemites are evil, deceitful people that will stab you in the back at every given chance, thereís also well-behaved creatures in this species. We all work hard and play hard, and neither gets in the ways of the other. The only negative point of moving in was having to cope with a psychotic chick that one of the guys had kindly let stay ďtil the end of the monthĒ, but she still flatly refused to move two weeks into the next month. There was nothing left to do but move all her belongings outside, herself included & hope she would get tired of camping outside the door with the excuse she had lost her car keys. If she had had medical aid I would have taken her personally to a psychiatric hospital. She had an extreme case of ďTheyíre-all-after-meĒ, believed that we weíre poisoning her food, and thought that she was irresistibly attractive (sic!). It was like having a TV on all the time listening to her talking to herself non-stop, I started questioning my own sanity after a week. We threw a party the day she left.
One night after double dropping at a club, I was chilling on a beanie bag rushing off my face when a chick sits on my lap, looks deeply into my eyes and says: ďHave you got any drugs for me?Ē, it was the start of a good friendship. Fran was 20, also been partying for years, sheís studying lexicography at Wits University, but will have to quit for financial reasons. She also has the same problems I have with Chems etc. Iíve been partying most of my teen years, a lot. I was trying acid when my peers were having their first joint. Now after the nth nasty, introspective, emotional comedown I start to think Iíve got a twisted idea of fun. I feel now itís time to discover me, not tweaked me, not tripping-balls me, not sweet-kind-understanding e-tard me, just me. I want to take the good Iíve gotten from chems and move on in life, keep partying in itís place and everything else in perspective. Because nothing was in perspective anymore, chems Werenít for partying anymore, they became a way of life.  I would like to study social anthropology or organic chemistry, but my parents arenít rich & you canít work a full time job and study full time as well. Fran feels the same way, but we all feel that way on the comedown after a 4-day Easter weekend  binge, and that guilt usually lasts till about Thursday. A friend of mine met a stripper and they started going out, one night she introduced him to crack. Now he thinks itís the best thing since sliced bread, and heíll describe over and over again the act of taking that pipe and inhaling slowly, very slowly and then, bliss..But no heís aware of the dangers and isnít stupid what happened to scores acquaintances wonít happen to him, itís worrying but we all make our own choices and hopefully heíll maintain his common sense. The same way I daydream about smoking Crystal and actually find myself breathing in slowly, crystal has been scarce recently so all I can do is daydream.
So life goes on for Pharma, and things have been going good since he flew in to this city a year ago, not knowing anyone & armed with a bit of cash to start off. Life is exhilarating now that heís living it to the full, and heís never experienced the bliss of real life while living in Ďthe incubatorí, a safe, peaceful place, but without the lows or highs of real life.
    

Reader's comments on this article

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from Jules
Saturday, March 15, 2003 - 20:43

(Agree/Disagree?)

This is a topic I have wanted to ask peopleís opinions on for some time.


Before I got involved in IT, I engaged in some pretty major substance experimentation. A lot of it was the availability of different things due to my lifestyle, curiosity and being a rather hard-core party girl. It was all fun at first, but things got messed up very quickly. I found out my boyfriend was a dealer and I started to get very worried about all those trips to Florida with him, and my lifestyle and social circle became not so fun pretty fast.


Something I saw in myself as well as my friends was that people change once they become involved with drugs. My best friend at the time was a straight A economics student from the Ukraine, who had a full scholarship at 16 to a university here. After I ditched my boyfriend, she ended up with him, and he introduced her to the wonderful world of cocaine. Six months later she had dropped out of school, lost 50 pounds and stole nearly $3000 from me. I personally can be a total bitch on my good days, on a coke come-down the words justifiable homicide come to mind.


At this point in my life I choose not to engage in substance use on a regular basis, and I donít hang out with people that do. To say ďdonít do drugsĒ is lame and hypocritical, but itís something that honestly worries me a lot. How many deaths (either suicides when someone is depressed and whacked out on something, accidental overdoses, or car accidents when driving under the influence) are due to drug use?


I donít think itís inaccurate to say that most of us have issues already due to the things we have been through. My personal belief is that a lot of us have post-traumatic stress disorder and substance use is sometimes an attempt to self-medicate. I have worked in a health care facility for the last 3 Ĺ years, and my family is in medicine so perhaps I am a bit biased, but is it really a good idea to upset our chemical balances even further with unsupervised medication?


For me, after spending many sleepless nights in the ER after taking in friends who overdosed, after sitting through psychotic episodes with people I love who were tweaking, terrified that they would not come back or hurt themselves or others, after screwing up relationships, friendships, finances and work because of my own substance abuse, after putting people I care about in harms way because of my own stupidity while high, nothing about substances are worth it for me. In a word, it wasnít fun anymore. I have fought too hard and been through too much for my freedom and security to jeopardise it over something that is so insubstantial. I should clarify that itís not that I never do anything at all, but itís pretty rare these days, and not something that I look for or make part of my lifestyle.

Anyways, I wanted to ask what people think about this topic. Where do you draw the line? Is it a matter of balance? Almost everyone I know (non-exfamily) does something now and then, but personally I generally choose not to participate.
(reply to this comment)
From pharmaboy..
Tuesday, March 18, 2003, 13:11

(
Agree/Disagree?)

I would like to clarify Jules, that the accident was entirely not my fault. I donít condone however driving after being awake so long/wasted as you are a hazard to yourself and others.


I have also witnessed the dark side of chems, a friend of mine sold his brand new car for 60$ during a crack binge once, another sold his house and went on a 2week crack spree, he had a family as well. I donít blame the drugs though, as Iíve seen worse with alcohol and compulsive gamblers. Ultimately YOU choose to act irresponsibly, itís not evil cocaine or evil alcohol, they are inert substances and you make the choices.


I self-medicate, Iíve found after a long search, an anti-depressant that works. The worst crime in the medical profession is getting off on pharmaceuticals, hell, euphoria is considered a side-effectÖanti-depressants work excellently as placebo therapy for frustrated housewives IMO.

(reply to this comment
From Jules
Tuesday, March 18, 2003, 20:58

(Agree/Disagree?)
Pharmaboy: "I donít blame the drugs though, as Iíve seen worse with alcohol and compulsive gamblers. Ultimately YOU choose to act irresponsibly, itís not evil cocaine or evil alcohol, they are inert substances and you make the choices."

I am not sure I agree with you on this point. What is it that makes you "you"? What actually creates our personality, our instinctive reactions and our interpretation of our sensory input? It's chemicals. Chemicals released by our hormones and our brain can radically alter someones behaviour. Some women get it worse than others, but if you have ever been involved with a woman, you must have noticed that every month around that time, her personality changes. It's the same reason that men will do incredibly stupid things for someone they are sexually aroused by. When someone fills their body with chemical supplements, they are affecting the balance of their body and consciousness in ways that are unknown at this point. In effect they are changing the way they think and perceive the world. It is usually temporary, but the long term effects could potentially be devastating. We've all heard the "testimonies" ad nausem. How many of our parents wigged out on acid before meeting the family? 


I usually trust my instincts about people. It has saved my life many times, and when I feel something is wrong and I sense danger, I trust that. My point is that I believe you can not trust your sense of a person with someone who is engaged in drug use. They themselves may be a terrific person, but when they are under the influence, they really are not themselves. Their personality and sense of themselves and the world around them does change.

(reply to this comment
From
Wednesday, March 19, 2003, 01:48

(
Agree/Disagree?)
That's true, Jules. In my saying I don't blame the drugs doesn't mean I think they're harmless, but unless someone forced you to smoke crack/shoot heroin, who made the decision to take that substance in the first place? You. Crack didn't walk up to you one morning and say "smoke me", you had to go looking for it. Same with cocaine, I can't curse/blame the guy who introduced me to it for the money I've wasted on it. Yes, once you finish one gram and get the urge to go get another, that's the chemicals speaking, but you choose to get the first gram sober, knowing thats how things would end up. So it is your decision. What about a drunk that writes his girlfriends car off while under the influence or beats his kid, shouldn't that be a wake up call to stop drinking? Sure he did those things under the influence, so he should be well aware that if he gets trashed he'll end up doing something stupid.

Shouldn't waking up a realizind you've sold your car for crack be a wakeup call? Or will you continue smoking till you've pawned off everything you Own?
(reply to this comment
From Joe H
Tuesday, March 18, 2003, 21:07

(Agree/Disagree?)
Please don't take any of this the wrong way, I'm asking sincere questions here:  Is PMS really a mind/personality altering experience?  Or is it just an excuse to act like a bitch?  As far as I know, no one has effectively used a "PMS defense" in a murder trial (or any other crime for that matter)  By the same token, men aren't allowed to use "arousal" as a defense, even though it really hampers your good judgment (believe me, I've been there)(reply to this comment
From Jules
Tuesday, March 18, 2003, 22:24

(Agree/Disagree?)

Ok, just my opinion here, but why do any of us act the way we do? We act like a bitch/idiot/asshole because that is who we are (or at least who we are at that time). To put it more definitively, we react to the stimulus we receive in the way our cognitive and instinctual (amygdala) processing motivates us.


As a woman personally, and since you asked, around that time, I always over react to things. I almost always do or say something that I am ashamed of and then get all caught up in thinking that I have finally actually fallen apart and that my issues have finally caught up with me. Then the enevitable next phase of the cycle occurs and I realise it's just my freaking hormones, and I should keep a calendar for goodness sake. The same thing happens also though when I am sleep deprivated, in the middle of the godforsaken Canadian winter, hung over, crashing, under emotional strain, reacting to childhood triggers, etc.


Perhaps where I do agree with Pharmaboy is that knowing why, and recognising the cause of, feeling an impulse to react a certain way is taking responsibility to a degree, no matter what the reason. If I know it's not a good idea, and therefore prevent myself from making decisions under the influence of drugs, alcohol, rage regarding my childhood, emotional triggers, etc. then that in itself is being responsible I think.


Perhaps the parties I go to are not typical, but in my experience, when you are having a good time and there is any sort substance involved (and therefore a loosening of inhibitions) it's fun and people are having a great time, but then there comes a point where things take a turn. Everyone pretends not to remember the next day what actually happened, but there is a definite point where people should have gotten some rest. I think that's the key to anything that overstimulates us, knowing when to say "thanks but I need some sleep".

(reply to this comment
From Thanks for the Laff
Tuesday, March 18, 2003, 16:31

(
Agree/Disagree?)
Cute.  But "I don’t blame the drugs though, as I’ve seen worse with alcohol and compulsive gamblers" is a little bit like saying "I don't blame the smallpox though, as I've seen worse with cancer and Anthrax."(reply to this comment
From Wildirishrose
Saturday, March 15, 2003, 21:28

Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5(
Agree/Disagree?)

Perhaps I am not the most unbiased person to be answering this, but since you
asked for opinions....


I do not use drugs, and I feel very strongly against the use of drugs.


For use as a recreational avenue, I feel that it is sort of a cop-out. It is like you're saying that you cannot actually have a real good time as long as you are in your "right" mind, and that kind of reflects on you,
doesn't it?


For use as an "escape", I personally feel that it is also a cop-out. While I do not want to minimize for an instant what we have gone through in growing up
in, and then leaving TF, I feel that drug use is more of an "easy" way out, where you don't have to face the reality of things...which for some of us,
without a doubt, can be unbearable.


The bottom line is that I feel that the physical and psychological scars that you retain from drug use could not possibly be worth the fun and/or escape they momentarily offer.

(reply to this comment
From mex
Tuesday, March 18, 2003, 15:09

Average visitor agreement is 3.5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 3.5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 3.5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 3.5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 3.5 out of 5(Agree/Disagree?)

Using drugs to have fun says nothing about you. Except maybe that I am having a lot more fun than you.


I will take escapism any day if it helps make the pointless reality of life even momentarily bearable. The bottom line is that I feel that the physical and psychological scars that you retain from drug use are completely worth the fun and/or escape they momentarily offer. Live the dream; just donít forget to show up for work on Monday.


My favorite quote.


"If you don't believe drugs have done good things for us, do me a favor, go home tonight and take all your albums, all your tapes all your CDs and burn 'em, 'cause you know what?  The musicians who made all that great music that's enhanced your lives throughout the years were real fuckin' high on drugs."-Bill Hicks

(reply to this comment
From Pharmaboy..
Wednesday, March 19, 2003, 05:13

(
Agree/Disagree?)
Quote: "Live the dream, just don't forget to show up for work on Monday"

Exactly, I've made it a point that I will not neglect any of my day-to-day duties due to my lifestyle. So far I have been able to keep that promise to myself almost to the letter. If I'm low on cash the first thing to go is any recreational activities.

I'm careful about responsible drug use, the worst thing I've done because of being whacked has been locking a car with the keys still inside!

I stopped doing cocaine because I saw I couldn't control my usage. Thankfully I stopped before I ran into any serious financial difficulties. I don't need to sell my boss's car to realize things are out off hand.(reply to this comment
From Joe H
Tuesday, March 18, 2003, 21:11

(Agree/Disagree?)
I'm not trying to take a position of moral superiority here, cause I've abused alcohol (nothing harder though) quite a bit myself, but it seems to me that if your life is boring, there are more productive ways to enhance it than getting doped out of your gourd.  Spending a lot of money, risking jail time, and damaging your health are all negative side effects that could make your life a whole lot worse.  Is it really worth it for that little bit of entertainment?(reply to this comment
From mex
Wednesday, March 19, 2003, 10:43

(Agree/Disagree?)

Again, yes.


What I was saying is that if for two days a week I can pop a pill fire up my bong and forget that life is meaningless (not necessarily boring) than I will take it, besides wasting money, risking jail time and damaging your health can be done in plenty of other ways that do not involve drugs.


When you use them and not the other way around, they can be incredibly recreational; a lot I believe also has to do with your social circle and where you are in your life. ďResponsible drug useĒ That is what it comes down too.

(reply to this comment
From Pharmaboy..
Wednesday, March 19, 2003, 05:34

(
Agree/Disagree?)
No it isn't worth it JoeH, but it's than better to lead a boring, pointless life, never break any rules, go for checkups every month so you can preserve your lame exsistence as long as possible.

Otherwise you can find true meaning in life and joy in the lord Jesus christ alone. Go to your nearest whacko Cult or METHodist church for more info and prices.(reply to this comment
From pharmaboy..
Tuesday, March 18, 2003, 13:01

Average visitor agreement is 1 out of 5(
Agree/Disagree?)

Would you use a VW Beetle if you could fly? Of course not, but youíd still be using the beetle if you didnít know any better. Hanging out at a mall, watching a movie, going to a cocktail party, eating out are boring, insipid activities when compared to certain alternative forms of entertainment. How about going off your face to a club, then hike to a mountain-top to watch the sun go up, then off to a pawn shop to buy worthless junk and make some odd sculpture out off it? The whole while tripping or tweaked. A cop out? Hell no, why settle for less!


Escapism? If youíre stressed about your meaningless existence, acid or speed will increase that 10X. Maybe heroin or crack might help thenÖ.(sic)


Self-medication perhaps, especially when your doing a pointless office job you hate, crystal will make that boring office job interesting. I would have been fired long ago if it werenít for a little self-medication.

You obviously know little about drugs or the reasons people turn to them, that ď just say noĒ tactic has proved unsuccessful over the past 15 years. Try perhaps the latest Bush-shit: ďUsing drugs funds terroristsĒ, yes lets blame Afghanistan for our heroin problem, Holland for our ecstasy problem, Canada for Crystal precursors, and Colombia for our Cocaine problemÖ.There wouldnít be supply if there wasnít demand(reply to this comment
from Eddie Rx
Wednesday, March 12, 2003 - 19:58

(Agree/Disagree?)

I am with you pharmaboy, I think we should avoid all those snotty MDs who trained for 7 years.  We should support more humility.  I propose that we entrust our health to people who have one semester or less (preferably less) of medical school.  Sure, they might not know much about medicine, but at least they wouldn't have that unbearable attitude.


 



 


(reply to this comment)
From Pharmaboy..
Thursday, March 13, 2003, 01:27

(
Agree/Disagree?)

I think the length of study is not the problem, but doctors are human too & can make mistakes. Docs should listen to their patients as well, not automatically assume the patient is an idiot who knows nothing about his/her own body. Fine they've studied, but that doesn't prevent you, the patient, from doing your own limited research and being well-informed on medications and treatments which are being used on YOU. Doctors are doctors, not policemen. You have a problem, they must prescibe you with the FDA-approved treatment/medication for that problem, not judge by your age/appearance that you might abuse this or that pill and therefore do not deserve treatment.


 I've never blindly taken anything my doc has prescribed me, without first reading up on it. I don't trust anyone else with my own health, even if they've studied 10 yrs  

(reply to this comment
from Laiah
Tuesday, March 11, 2003 - 16:01

(Agree/Disagree?)
Pharmaboy, is your mom helping you recover? Hope you feel better soon.
(reply to this comment)

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