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Getting Real : Speak your peace

Dear Abby...

from Jerseygirl - Tuesday, January 07, 2003
accessed 1730 times

Life has been pretty bleak lately. After leaving the cult about 5 years ago, I seem to be worse now than ever. 
The funny thing is that by all appearances I am succeeding at making a life for myself and advancing in this "new world" to which I am now a part. Yet, the myriad of thoughts that swim in my head everyday would tire even the most patient of therapists I'm sure. I have 3 adorable kids。 Abby, you should see them, so eager and bright. I go to their rooms in the middle of the night, before work, and find myself crying.
Well, more like silently screaming since the sounds and tears that accompany crying are conspicuously missing. I don't know sometimes how I am going to raise them. There are so many questions surrounding me that I feel will never be answered, so little closure on wounds that are left to fester until they are the feasting ground of maggots.
I want to know how I will remain patient and able to cope with their demands when anger eats at me everyday and I am so tired because I work all night and still have to raise a family and study all day.
I realize that in the history of the world my lot may not seem extraordinary but to me it is a living hell. My parents, or should I say the people I thought cared for me more than anyone else, refuse to acknowledge my hurt choosing to cling to their faith in the cult over their own children who are suffering on a daily basis.
It seems to them that since we have money, food, and clothing there should be no problem. Why is it that they feel no need to work these things out and show the validation and sorrow and regret that seem so imperative to their future relationship with us? The mental anguish of my past and consequentially my present envelops me at times and I fear that I will give in to it and lose the fight of survival.
My mom wrote me and told me how sorry she was that a friend of mine had given in to taking his own life. "How sad" she said. I wonder what she would say if she knew how inviting that prospect is to me sometimes?
I look at my kids and that is the only thing that keeps me here. Somehow amidst all the turmoil and heartache I am determined to break the cycle, of the cults legacy, for them.
Abby what is it that makes me hurt the only man who has ever truly loved me? I cannot help myself, I am driven to deny the hurt I see by justifying the means.
Is it because I have been so hurt by everyone I thought was trustworthy that even now I am not capable of accepting a true love when it's right in front of me?
I medicate myself with the things I feel offer me an escape from the prison that is my mind and all the accompanying confusion of thought that I cannot seem to endure after awhile. I overdo it because I feel so good and am terrified of coming down only to realize that it is all the same.
I read things that people like me have been through or are still going through and I feel envious that the words to explain their situations come so freely to them.
It seems all I am able to do is scribble a line or two before sinking into that fine place that separates illusion from reality. There are so many things to sort out and yet I cannot seem to get a firm hold on.
In any case Abby, I'll be eagerly awaiting your advice.
Sad in New Jersey

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from vixen
Monday, June 05, 2006 - 17:32


Jersey, I know that you don't often come on here any more - I don't even know if you will see this - but it's your birthday today and it made me think of this article. It's one of my favourites of all the articles on this site, and after reading it tonight I wanted to say that I hope that you have made your peace with life out here and that you're well and happy. Best wishes, babe.

(reply to this comment)

from Bootylicious
Sunday, January 12, 2003 - 08:10

I am so sorry to hear how tired and sad you feel. I swear to God if I lived in the area i would take your kids so you could nap! Just think that when your kids are older, they will know how hard you worked for them, and you will know that they had the chance to grow up in a normal world. Because of you and your care, because of everything you went through and are going through, your kids will have a lovely life. I was lucky to get a good job and am learning as I go, a sort of apprenticeship, but that is pure luck. A few months back I would stand on our balcony at night and just cry, because I felt I had nothing to give to my kids. I had no education, and if I wanted to study that meant less time with my babies. Had there not been two little kids sleeping in their beds, I would have jumped.
All I wanted to say was that I admire you for giving yourself up for your kids. One day, when they are old enough, they will appreciate what you did, and you will know it was worth it. No one goes through life without being hurt, no one goes through life without a struggle.
That's just the way it is. Just tell yourself: life is tough, but I am tougher!!! That's my two cents. Take care!
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from Big Sister
Friday, January 10, 2003 - 02:39

Now what would dear abby about More Sleep? I know it's not really that simple, but I remember how hard it is working and raising little kids and studying, all on 4 hours of sleep. I got colds all the time. My outlook was not always, well, what it could be.

IMO beg, borrow, do what ever you can to get some extra sleep time in. I'm sorry I'm too far away or I'd be right over to babysit!!

Meanwhile remember that it is the good, capable, caring mother who worries about her children, about whether she can do everything she wants to for her them.
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from existential angst
Thursday, January 09, 2003 - 16:40

Life's a bitch and then you die. Question is, how do you live a satisfying life if you decide to stick with it instead of checking out? My mother isn't there for me either. I find a lot of experience, strength and hope through a women's support group.
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from Gurgle
Thursday, January 09, 2003 - 13:23

Theres nothing you can do about it. You have to make constant adjustments to stay happy and you would never be able to do it accurately enough to stay happy forever.

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from Tranny Abby’s Fanny
Wednesday, January 08, 2003 - 21:01



Sad, sad, sad! I’m not sure what more can be said than sad. Well said sad. Sad comments sadly written, I feel sad, sad.

I’m just a temporary stand-in for Abby, actually I’m really just a surrogate fanny for Abby but I wanted to give my special wisdom pearl to you because your sad writing actually managed to bring a hint of moisture to my otherwise parched tear holes. I’m sorry if this sounds a bit rushed, I’m trying to type this as fast as I can before Abby wakes up & catches me out. It’s easier to tell her she’s done something she hasn’t (she’s suffering from the dementia you see) if she just wakes up & finds it done, I’ll just tell her she was sleep-walking.

From what I can gather (I sense this, I have a gift) there has been some weird cult activity somewhere in your past, perhaps a loved one or previous acquaintance. Something from “the other side” is telling me “brain”, no maybe “brainless”, wait, “brain” & “washing-machine” put together, mmmmmm, grrrrrrr, grunnnnnnt, ok, I give up. Moving on from there, you sound like a marvellous person & the love you have for your children, the little dears, is simply mind-boggling, you my dear are a heroine.

The way I see it your bravery amazes me. You may think that your situation is insignificant compared with the rest of the world but not considering you are at least giving your kids a decent and good upbringing as best you can, something your parents can’t even pretend to lay claim to. At least your kids will be able to grow up without having to deal with what all of what you have had to, and you never know what you are changing for the future.

Basically my dear, your parents are, always have been & probably always be a bunch of slack-ass-bitch spoilt kids who won’t grow up & who never did give a damn about anyone but themselves and doing what ever made their drug-damaged, emotionally fucked psyches feel better for the day. They pretend to be sacrificial when they say the reason for not speaking to their own kids is “he that hath forsaken….father or mother or children” but the real reason is because they are horrible angry people who never got over their rebellious teens. It is sad but why should you be sad for the rest of your life because they are such mean hearted people, it seems they’ve practically destroyed all normal human feelings they may have ever had to where the only thing they’ll ever feel is a sexual orgasm, no understanding of friendship, loyalty or responsibility exists for them.

I’m not really sure what therapy (constructive mental conditioning) would be in order but should think a prescription of one week wiping your ass with as many photos of “family” members as you can find would probably lift the spirits.

- Shit….Abby just woke up…..gotta run….been fun…..see ya…… Abby, no, stop hitting me with that cane…..ahhhhhhhh……stop…….no…….abbey……abbe….ab….aaa…….

(reply to this comment)
from Laiah
Wednesday, January 08, 2003 - 14:58

I completely agree with you. I was wondering how to put into words how I feel about the past in a way that the older generation can understand.
When the subject is brought up, Zerby or Kelly always say that they have appologized and are praying that we heal. What more could we want. The thing that came to me is how those of us with kids react when they get hurt. We say we are sorry it happened, some of us might even pray for the hurt but then we go on and do more. We examine the sore spot, cleanse it, put some sort of cream on and protect it. A day or so later we do the whole thing again until we are sure it is completely healed. All of you with young children know that not only could the wound fester and become much worse with infection but the psychological effects of cream and a band aid go a long way.
Don't we deserve much more seeing as our wounds have been here longer and run much deeper?
(reply to this comment)
from Nick
Wednesday, January 08, 2003 - 13:37

There is so much that I could say about what you wrote. It's like you took the words right out of my mouth on just about every subject you wrote about.

However the main thing is what you said about our parents. You are right. The look at us and see that we have money and a house, so they think that they can stop caring. I feel like they are doing more harm now than they did when we were in the cult. Not only for me, but for my son. One of the most important pieces of advice that I was given is that you never stop learning in life. Every 3 or 4 years you can look back and see how much you have grown and what you have learned. Well our parents should be passing that life knowledge on to us and helping us as we grow. Instead they are living like paupers in some far flung shit hole thinking that they are “serving the lord”. (Man are they gonna have a wake up call one day.)

I am thinking of the father of someone very close to me. His own daughter was in some financial trouble towards the end of last year and even though he has money and live in a nice “home” he would not help her. The “home” didn’t want to help an outsider. What a load of Crap!

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from ex-member
Wednesday, January 08, 2003 - 13:35

I sometimes wish I wasn't so attached to this site, so addicted. You guys are my lifeline. I have friends at work etc and my family but they are still "in" and my friends don't know what it is like. I can talk to them about everyday issues etc. But when it comes down to it, there is such a gulf, so many things I can never explain, they would never understand. Here you speak my language and understand my past. I feel a need to come and connect to someone in a different way, someone who knows me without ever meeting me, seeing my face, knowing my life. I agree with what Mercy said; my past is what made me who I am today. -But no regrets...? I dunno about that one, sometimes I wish I was a different less pathetic person. I have a friend at work whom I love to death. We hang out a lot and everyone thinks we are either dating or we should be. We laugh it off, I say he is a slut and he says I am damaged goods by way of excuse.
What scares me well he sees me! That cliche is so me! Damaged goods, I look ok on the outside but inside.....I don't even know who I am much less what I want or think, certainly have no clue what I am doing with my so called life or why!
I stare at myself in the mirror, wondering who I am looking at myself trying to see what others see, what is wrong with me? When I feel someone trying to get close to me, I get all defensive and deliberately pick a fight to end it.
I think a lot of people can realte to what you are saying here Jerz. Trouble is there are so few of us in the world we ARE freaks. An you are a great writer! Wish I could help in some way but I am just as messed up, I wouldn't even know where to start.
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from thepersoniamnow
Wednesday, January 08, 2003 - 12:51

Hugs are the cure to all life`s problems...
<-----------Hug for Jerseygirl
(reply to this comment)
From Fox
Wednesday, January 22, 2003, 06:30

Jersygirl you are Smoking Hot! I mean SOS!! you are beautiful :) Hay I know just what you mean! I have been out for ten years and it is still hard.It can be a fight for life and death every day, for endless night and days. I have tryed to off my self many times. Every time- I fail some how and this is goood. I am always happy when I wake up in the Emergency room and I think I must still be alive, thank God!I have had a lot of realy good things happen to me in fact, I had never realy lived untill I left the FFFFFFuckers in the fam !!!!!!! I think life is just starting for you ? right ? You will see just stay a-wake. Dont let the COG stand inbetween you and God.You will see Good times again.I never dreamed I would have the cool job I have working for the image of the beast- In studio City, CA SWEEEEEEEET.$$$$$$$$$$$$$ well after seeing your picture I whish I lived in Jersey Ha! so hang in there you are doing the right thing you little hot'ness. Buy the way I am 30 and singel with no kids of my own. I dont have a web page right now but I do have a phone number
Love,Fox-M (reply to this comment

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