Turning Circles

from madly - Sunday, February 10, 2008
accessed 627 times

A long night with too many thoughts…

What do you do when words have lost their meaning, when color turns to grey and sound no longer reaches you? What does it mean when love hides, all music stops and the wind no longer touches you? When seasons change do they take us with them or do they leave us to be picked up by the passing leaves that fall to the earth, vanishing before too long? Can we stay as we are when life changes into something we can never become? If we feel nothing, can we ever touch anything?

What does it mean to speak with words that carry no meaning? What does it mean to give something a name? Is it so, because we are told to believe? Is blue really blue or is it green, lost in a word someone chose for it? When words have lost their purpose of meaning how does one speak with conviction? When you cannot say what it is you feel how do you ever let go of the passions given? Words mean nothing without us believing in their meaning. When the meaning is lost, words can give nothing but the confusion and the false comfort of being understood.

Life is speeding by now, faster everyday. I have lost what it was I was looking for. I am left with questions that can never be answered, and as they overtake me, I find myself lost in answers that never belonged to my questions. I thought I knew who I was… I thought I was safe, but I have become the one I fear. My mind is a place I cannot leave and the darkness has come for me, leaving even my shadows to run away.

A game of life that can be lost is a game that shouldn’t be risked, yet that is what I have done, time and time again. I have played my hand, gambled as if I had the rights to do so, and now I am left with nothing but losses. I am to blame for my given fate and nothing can be changed until this path has run its course. I am running to an end desperately hoping it will lead to my beginning.

Stay with me, please! Don’t leave me alone, I beg you! I cannot do this on my own, but I can never ask for help. I am falling without wings and the bottom is now fast approaching. When I hit, it will break me or maybe awaken me. I will die or will I begin to learn what it is to live. I am scared to death, yet I can’t help but wait in anticipation for the outcome.

I need your love and I need my own to save me, but the only truth I desire is for me to find. I search for wisdom, yet I yearn for peace alone. If my life had been lived by another would they breathe the same? Would they see what I see now and would they dream of a life lived through someone else? Am I alone in a world full of people, people who understand so easily what I can never seem to grasp?

Nothing has ever changed. I am what I have become, and I have become what I have always been. This is me… this is my face, my mind, my life… all I have been given. It could and should be enough, but it will never be what I crave. I lost myself while searching to find what I might become. I let the wind take me, grab hold of me, and it owns me now. I live in a constant storm and it seems even the sun has deserted me. The dark clouds that roll through my mind rain down forever on the deep endless sea below, then they gather, build up, only to fill my mind again.

All I want is to be free… free from myself. I say I am forever reaching for a hand to grab, but I keep my hands tied behind my back. I pretend to look for you, but my eyes are always closed. I say I feel nothing, but I know I feel too much. I pretend to be strong, but I break everyday and spend the night trying to rebuild. It is all a lie and I am the liar.

I secretly wish I could pray… believe again. I desperately need someone to save me, but all faith has died and I know I can never blindly trust again. This life is too big, yet too small to hold me. I live in a world with nothing but empty spaces; all seems to be lacking meaning and depth. I find myself drowning in the nothingness.

Let there be a way or let there be an end. Take my mind and let me be at peace. Someone stop me from turning circles! Hold me still long enough for me to see the world straight on. Open my eyes and untie my hands. Hold me close and tell me that you understand. I can do this if you can stand behind me and stop the world when it starts spinning. I need you… when will you rescue me? It’s all coming back to me… I have always wanted, needed, to be loved.