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Getting Real : Tea for Two

Midnight rants of an insomniac

from Lithium - Thursday, November 22, 2007
accessed 709 times

Tonight I'll drink to oblivion
Tonight I'll smoke some weed
And pop an extra sleeping pill
Don't forget to breathe


Everyone around me struggles to make sense of their lives, some longing for death, some working hard to succeed, others content to settle into a comfortable semi-existence. I don稚 feel a need to find purpose, I don't feel a sense of moral compunction, in fact, I feel very little of anything at all. So I surround myself with pleasure, with beauty, with knowledge, like a junky shooting myself up with little injections of gratification. I feast on it greedily like a fat gourmandizing hog, so that for brief spells I feel full of life痴 unsatisfactory fast-food. And I very nearly fool myself into thinking that is enough. Until the food spoils in my stomach, the music plays off key and the garish colours fade to gray. Then I realise as I puke up the rot, that there is no black and white, there is no colour. There is only gray in its various shades.


I constantly change and strive to improve myself, my appearance, my mind, to become perfect, to be super human. No one can touch superman. Until I realise I am also the villain and my kryptonite is me. The smooth stone goddess looks good from a distance, but come too close, and you値l see the cracks and chips of time worn into her cold statuesque comportment.

I become the strong, confident, successful person that people admire. Admire! What an uproarious piece of comical irony. I throw back my head and laugh and laughdesperately. How come you feel like an idiot when you laugh alone, but everyone cries alone?

You can fool nearly everyone, but never yourself, not really. I知 the sweating child curled into a tight ball careful not to stretch their limbs beyond the safety of her sheet or the monster under the bed will bite off her fingers and toes. I知 the living-dead, unfeeling zombie that feeds on others emotions because I知 devoid of my own. I知 the grinning face of a demon that taunts me in the mirror every time I wash off my mask. I知 Gollum, corrupted and mutated. I知 beautiful, and strong and clever. I知 a multi-coloured chameleon.

How is it you can keep mutating and still be the same deadly virus? When there are no more outside enemies to fight, we turn to self-destruction. The hero becomes the villain and destroys himself.

There is no God and Satan
There is no afterlife waiting
Just decomposing mortals
And it's all so fucking hysterical.

Reader's comments on this article

Add a new comment on this article

from thatata
Saturday, January 05, 2008 - 12:08

(Agree/Disagree?)

Life is ennui.






(reply to this comment)

From thatata
Saturday, January 05, 2008, 12:12

(Agree/Disagree?)
On the other hand: wine, poetry, virtue, crime.(reply to this comment
from Poker Star
Wednesday, November 28, 2007 - 01:44

(Agree/Disagree?)
Scary, I thought I felt something.
(reply to this comment)
From neez
Wednesday, November 28, 2007, 02:21

(
Agree/Disagree?)
Repressed memory?(reply to this comment
from JudasChrist
Sunday, November 25, 2007 - 13:17

(Agree/Disagree?)
Blah....

I can relate.


(reply to this comment)
from Kelly
Sunday, November 25, 2007 - 13:07

(Agree/Disagree?)
Great imagery Lithium.... somehow, I feel I can relate.
(reply to this comment)
from vacuous
Saturday, November 24, 2007 - 14:16

(Agree/Disagree?)
A midnight rant is hardly indicative of an insomniac.
(reply to this comment)
From Lithium
Saturday, November 24, 2007, 15:53

(Agree/Disagree?)
You're quite correct. That they are indicative of each other is a personal assumption. The rant was at midnight. I am, by nature, an insomniac. Would you have preferred it read 'An insomniacs midnight rant'? (reply to this comment
From vacuous
Sunday, November 25, 2007, 09:07

(Agree/Disagree?)

Rants often are derivative of, or imply mental fatigue; a condition insomniacs rarely demonstrate at midnight.(reply to this comment

From Lithium
Sunday, November 25, 2007, 10:04

(Agree/Disagree?)
Not even from a mentally fatigued insomniac? And might not mental fatigue be a result of insomnia?(reply to this comment
From agreed
Sunday, November 25, 2007, 12:59

(
Agree/Disagree?)

Totally. Vacuous, maybe it is midnight *again* without sleep.(reply to this comment

From vacuous
Sunday, November 25, 2007, 13:59

(Agree/Disagree?)
Point well taken, I suggest coffee.(reply to this comment
from madly
Friday, November 23, 2007 - 09:38

Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5(Agree/Disagree?)

(reply to this comment)
From madly
Monday, November 26, 2007, 06:40

Average visitor agreement is 2.5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 2.5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 2.5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 2.5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 2.5 out of 5(Agree/Disagree?)
Hey... where are my thumbs? Slackers... ;)(reply to this comment
From Samuel
Monday, November 26, 2007, 06:42

Average visitor agreement is 1 out of 5(Agree/Disagree?)
Just for you, Madly ;)(reply to this comment
From Lithium
Tuesday, November 27, 2007, 02:41

Average visitor agreement is 3.5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 3.5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 3.5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 3.5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 3.5 out of 5(Agree/Disagree?)
Dork. Stalk Madly elsewhere.(reply to this comment
From neez
Wednesday, November 28, 2007, 04:14

Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5(
Agree/Disagree?)
Anyone that still uses the word dork is most likely one themself.(reply to this comment
From Lithium
Wednesday, November 28, 2007, 04:46

(Agree/Disagree?)
Shit, you've uncovered my dark secret! Now I'll have to kill you.(reply to this comment
From neez
Wednesday, November 28, 2007, 23:56

(
Agree/Disagree?)
Don't worry, I'm sure people already knew that.(reply to this comment
From madly
Friday, November 23, 2007, 09:40

Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5(Agree/Disagree?)

Dark and beautiful... feels a bit like home to me. I can relate. :((reply to this comment

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