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Getting Real : Faith No More

Uplifting Bible Verses

from Marc - Sunday, June 04, 2006
accessed 2785 times

Hear ye the Word of the Lord!

Every time these nice little guys like "alacey1981" visit this site and attempt to witness to us, I am reminded of the uplifting nature of the Bible. The Word of God can be so refreshing. Who wouldn't want to read these verses (see link) to their children before bed?

Not even Hollywood can come up with more violence than is found in the Bible. Maybe that is where they go to for ideas ("Nothing new under the sun," I suppose). Picture this for a story line: A father finds his young daughter at his front door bruised, bleeding, and recently raped. Instead of taking her in or to a doctor, he decides to cut her into 12 pieces and ship each part to the leaders in the area as a "warning". Where does this lovely story come from? Why, the Bible, of course!

PS: My favorite item-for-sale on the above site is the thong with "What would Jesus do?" painted on the front. Or, "Who would Jesus bomb?" as a slogan.

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from AndyH
Friday, June 09, 2006 - 11:59


Here's my favorite.

Thus saith the LORD God of Israel, Put every man his sword by his side, and go in and out from gate to gate throughout the camp, and slay every man his brother, and every man his companion, and every man his neighbour. And the children of Levi did according to the word of Moses: and there fell of the people that day about three thousand men. For Moses had said, Consecrate yourselves today to the LORD, even every man upon his son, and upon his brother; that he may bestow upon you a blessing this day.
(reply to this comment)

From The Vandari version rules!
Friday, June 09, 2006, 12:06

Average visitor agreement is 3 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 3 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 3 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 3 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 3 out of 5(

Sir Rantalot, March 16, 2005, 04:39
KJMV (king james modified version)
4But before they lay down, the men of the city, even the men of Sodom, compassed the house round, both old and young, all the people from every quarter:

5And they called unto Joe H, and said unto him, Where are the men which came in to thee this night? bring them out unto us, that we may know them.

6And Joe H went out at the door unto them, and shut the door after him,

7And said, I pray you, brethren, do not lust so after them. For those men are mine, and mine alone.

8And Joe H tossed them a jar of Astroglide, and departed into his own house
(reply to this post)

vixen, March 16, 2005, 13:12
KJMV (King James Modern Version - Today's NEW WINE, straight from heaven PTL
9 And it came to pass that whilst the men of Sodom fell upon the astroglide and didst make use of it to their own end, they didst not see that the women of their households did burn with lust.

10 One woman did say to another, let us be gone to the house of Jerusha the harlot, for she is one who knows well the secrets of the womanly anatomy, and we shouldst lie with her that we might again partake of the pleasures that have so long been denied us.

11 Then the women prevailed upon their neighbours to join them in their journey, and it came to pass at nightfall that Jerusha's house was filled with a great throng of women.

12 They didst come together in unspeakable ways for three nights and three days. They didst lie together and taste one another, consuming the sweetest honey from within the honeycomb and revelling in the pleasures of wickedness. And it was good.

13. Selah.

(reply to this post)

roughneck, March 19, 2005, 21:01
all I can say is..
(reply to this post)

Sir Rantalot, March 18, 2005, 04:16
1And it came to pass at that time, that Judah went down from his brethren, and turned in to a certain Adullamite, whose name was Hirah.

2And Judah saw there a daughter of a certain Canaanite, whose name was Shuah; and he took her, and had his way with her.

3And she conceived, and bare a son; and he called his name Jo’e’H.

4And she conceived again, and bare a son; and she called his name Baxter.

5And she yet again conceived, and bare a son; and called his name Sheman: and he was in San Franscico, when she bare him.

6And Judah took a wife for Jo’e’H his firstborn, whose name was Nancy, the harlot.

7And Jo’e’H, Judah's firstborn, loved not women, but black cock instead, and was wicked in the sight of the LORD; and the LORD slew him.

8And Judah said unto Baxter, Go shag thy brother's wife, and marry her, teach her discipline, and raise up seed to thy nigga’ loving brother.

9And Baxter knew that the seed should not be his, and all he cared about Nancy was for her large, succulent breasts and lewd behaviour; and it came to pass, when he went in unto his brother's wife, that he tied her to the bedpost, and spilled his seed all over her, and on her face, and did beat her and left her there.

10And the thing which he did excited the LORD, who got a bit carried away with bondage, and wherefore he slew Baxter also, and the LORD laughed, was proud of his handiwork.

11Then said Judah to Nancy his daughter in law, Remain a freelance hooker at thy father's house, till Shelah my son be grown: for he said, Lest peradventure he die also, as his brethren did. And Nancy went and dwelt in her father's house, and conceived many sons, and daughters, but who their fathers were, remained a mystery to all,and was a great testimony of the LORD, and many believed.

(reply to this post)

Wolf, March 22, 2005, 13:10
3rd Peter
And it came to pass that Steven Kelly lifted his skirt; and lo, he that did play the woman in the Lord’s sight for a time, and times, and half a toilet sitting, had become a woman in the flesh as well.

And the Lord said unto him “You are no longer like unto Peter, the cock upon which I built my church; from henceforth you shall be called Maria’s bitch”.

And the Lord saw that he was a good little bitch. And the Lord desired to have him unto himself. And the Lord said unto Maria, get thee into the wilderness, that I man know your manservant. And Maria said unto the Lord “let me eat your dung and drink your spittle, but do not, I pray thee, take my manservant away from me.”

And the Lord was wroth, and sought to strike Maria down. But when he saw the number of Steven’s STDs, and understood that they were many, he did cast him out of his chamber, even unto the uttermost part of the earth; and when the cock did crow, Maria struck her bitch thrice. And he wept bitterly.
(reply to this post)

moon beam, March 23, 2005, 14:42
Hillarious, wolf, sir Rant and vixen
sweaty palms 19
1Moreover, mine eyes fail me I am in deep mire of shit made worse by weary and multidudes of tears; my throat is dried.

2Hear me oh lord, how long wilt thy hold me in distane. Pour forth thy mercies speedily upon me that I may be clean in thy sight.

3I have been young and have not been this forsaken, nor have dropped nor, nay, made waste of mine seed; Alas, thy hand no longeth presseth me sore.

4Oh Lord my friends stand aloof from my sore; For my loins are filled with a loathsome disease; Yea, all my desire is before thee; and my groaning is not hid from thee.

5Low, that I wilt at least serve thee with dance and raise you with my mouth.

6Deliver me Oh Lord from the foul and wicked Maria. Who doth rejoice in my torment.

(reply to this comment

From venus_fly_trap
Tuesday, March 06, 2007, 17:58

Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5(Agree/Disagree?)
ye, thou hast brought great joy to thine brethern. together with one voice they sing unto you, and praise your name above all the other words spoken to us in prophecy throughout all the years of our long childhoods. we sat in mourning as our parents cried out in vain to their god, praying for the healing of their false prophet and his mistress. with eyes half open we sat wearily listening to them. and now we have forsaken the binds of our fathers and cast off the shame of our mothers and are not afraid to mock the foolishness of their prideful proclamations of hearing the voice of the most high god. moreover, this is a more excellent way to speak the kings english. (reply to this comment
From figaro
Tuesday, March 06, 2007, 18:07

OMFG that was GREAT!! :)(reply to this comment
From figaro
Tuesday, March 06, 2007, 16:17

AHAHAHAHAHAHA(reply to this comment
From valhalla
Tuesday, March 06, 2007, 15:00

fucking hell !!! this shit is co-workers are wondering why im roling in laughter for no apparent reason(reply to this comment
From Rachel
Saturday, June 17, 2006, 11:43

OMFG that's freakin hillarious(reply to this comment

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