Life with Alf

from Alf - Wednesday, August 28, 2002
accessed 471 times

Life with Alf Pt 1 (Office safety)

Hi kids! I just thought I’d write a little letter to you giving you some tips on how live excellently while ‘working’ in an office environment.

We are all masters of dodging work in a domestic/kitchen environment. I’m sure I am not the only one who shirked when the Super-duper-mega-tastic-5-day-orgy-of cleanliness–and-moving-dirt-from-one-place-to-another-day on the ‘look-busy and be an unimportant drone’ principal. It is a truth that the basics of work dodging apply universally but I’m aiming this letter at the (probably small) section of us who work in an office environment as opposed to the street, brothel, strip club, rubbish tip etc. As always reactions are welcome, although negative ones will naturally be slammed and the reactionee summarily denounced. I love you my children.

Toilet-breaks
For me at least, and also for most of my similarly lazy business associates these form the bed-rock of my shirking duty. Given sufficent food intake the human body can be relied upon to perform at least 3 good sized BMs per day. I have trained my bowels to perform all 3 within the 9am to 5pm time window. This is not a difficult procedure. A good rule of thumb is to keep the lunch-box/canteen servings large and full of food-groups that your body processes quickly. Lots of roughage mixed with plently of liquids is the key to success. Also be sure to make your hand washing, hair fixing etc thorough and unhurried, remember that unlike the family where slacking was slackings own reward, here in the system you’re getting paid.
Time scale is also important. Breaks for the toilet should be timed carefully and logically so as to divert suspicion, even the dullest of bosses may notice when an employee takes his 3rd 10 minute toilet break in an hour. After lunch for example I always take a longer than usual toilet break, even if I don’t need to shit I can read, sleep or pray. Resist the temptation to have a quick wank.

Coffee machine and water coolers

Coffee ranks only slightly lower than the toilet in its potential for time-wasting and frivolity. When coffee vending machines are free and toilet facilities plush and comfortable the circle is complete. If you as an employee are blessed with both be sure not to waste this golden opportunity. Personally I drink roughly 2 cups per hour less lunch break which gives about a 16 cup a day average. I’m usually pretty wired by my 3nd hour in so I try to switch to the highly artificial vended orange drink, these are usually rich in essential E chemicals, flavour enhanceners etc. and will give at least a semi decent sugar rush.

Ciggie breaks

If you smoke take lots if you don’t smoke take lots anyway. Loudly criticise your co-workers for the filthy habit and point out your own far superior health if possible. Mention how bad smokers breath smells. Be a general anti-smoking arsehole. Blow smoke up their ass ha ha.

Email and internet

I don’t think I have to explain this one. Hours of timewasting, prattle, pointless speculation and useless information. Perfect.

I love you kids. Keep going for Alf.
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