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Getting Real : Ask Alf

Hitler On The GAMR

from JohnnieWalker - Sunday, May 26, 2002
accessed 643 times

Just when the enemy wielded his doubts at us, the Lord and Hitler punched through with this inspiring message.

Dear ones,

While lying in my bed this morning, having sweet prayer and prophecy time and diligently studying the Words of our Daddy of all Prophets, Alf, I had this beautiful vision of Hitler. He had on a long flowing robe and held his arm straight out in salute. I knew that he wanted to speak to me so I grabbed my Dictaphone and here’s what he had to say:

(Hitler speaking:)Heil! Lissen to vat my profet Alf has to say. He iz my tshannel. If you sink my Inglish iz not gut, you kan go skroo yorself. Shakespere ist scheisse. He tried to teech me Inglish but I found out he vas halb Tshipsy, so I put him in Hefenly konzentrashun kamp.

Vy am I in Hefen, you ask? Venn I vas a little boy, I vent in Sonntag schule, und ze teetsher asked who vanted to go to Hefen. I vas at zat veri moment praktzing my “Heil Hitler” for future use. I vas lucky.

Venn I came to Hefen, I fount out zat some Jude I oferlooked (hiz name vas Berg), said zat anyone who raized hiz hant vould be saved automatisch. He now regrets saying zis. I haf put him in ze kontzenrashun kamp. He iz skeduled for ze Gaskammer next Freitag.

Sinze I arrived in Hefen, I haf taken ze necessary meshures to make zis place ein Paradis like das Vaterland. Und now, ich, Pol Pot, Stalin, und Lenin haf taken ofer oll pozishuns of leadership. Wagner, ist mein privat musician, of corse.

Und now, I must leaf you. Mein Chef, Pol Pot, ist making my favorit food tonight – Bratwurst und Zerbykraut mit ice-Berg salat. Heil! (end of message from Hitler)

Thank you, Jesus, for sending Hitler with that wonderful message.

(Jesus speaking:) You’re welcome. (End of message from Jesus)

I know you guys will be as thrilled as I was. Doesn’t this message from our loving sexy Führer inspire you to get on the ball with the GAMR Revolution? Remember, those who don’t will miss out on God’s highest blessing, and we wouldn’t that to happen, now would we? GBY all.

PS to Alf: I sold some music CDs to a real sheepy old deaf lady for $10. Where do I send the tithe to?

(Disclaimer: The above is just a joke. However, any hate mail received in reply to this will be greatly appreciated as I’m running short of toilet paper.)

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from Rain Child
Tuesday, March 28, 2006 - 05:05

Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5(Agree/Disagree?)
A fair bit of effort to read, but worth it. That bit where he says, "You can go skroo yourself", I could see those 'totally gay Nordic dudes' from *Dude, Where's My Car* saying, "But de universe?" and Ashton Kutcher replies, "screw de universe". Thanks for a laugh.
(reply to this comment)
from vixen
Monday, March 27, 2006 - 11:48

Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5(Agree/Disagree?)

BUMPED - because I needed to laugh today, and I thought maybe some of you are feeling that way too...

And for the newbs, some more links to free laughter therapy:

(reply to this comment)

From Rain Child
Monday, April 03, 2006, 06:23

Thankyou, sweet Vixen, for so faithfully compiling all those precious gems for us. You're so faithful not to let one crumb fall from the Walker's table. You peck those seeds right off his golden tongue and put them in envelopes with the worms and bugs...

Seriously, Ta for the links. I've just laughed so hard I'm afraid I've burst a vessel in my temple. Oh, the Memories!

Johnnie, You're the man! I can not believe your memory! Even down to tiny details like Heaven's Girl being afraid the sound of her beating heart would give away her position! I thought I was the only one who remembered shit like that. (reply to this comment
From vixen
Monday, April 03, 2006, 07:31

Well what can I say, dear? I aim to please...(reply to this comment
From thanks...don't forget these... :
Monday, March 27, 2006, 13:51

Agree/Disagree?) to this comment

from Alf
Saturday, June 01, 2002 - 13:25

Europa is one of the godesses that came to me in my sleep begging me to fuck her in order to save her people. Its in the Battle of the Bosoms Alf letter. The 2nd of the GAMR series. Im publishing it soon if i get enough pledges from you guys.
(reply to this comment)
from seeker
Thursday, May 30, 2002 - 01:36

Alf, we the people need you. Your spittle and drivel and dung irrigate and fertilize our parched and barren souls. Piss on us, shit on us.

Alf, who is Europa?
(reply to this comment)
from EyesWideShut
Wednesday, May 29, 2002 - 19:10

Ohhhh...TOO GOOD! What a scream! We want more. MORE dribble from the mouth of the Alf and all his little alflets.
(reply to this comment)

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